COMING OUT - PART DEUX

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There is mention of a relationship between two women. If you are offended by this please go read another story.

FADE IN:

EXT. CYRENE'S TAVERN - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle stand outside Xena's mom's tavern
in Amphipolis.

XENA
This is such a stupid idea.

GABRIELLE
It's not stupid. It's the right thing to do. Besides, you saw how easy it went with my family. Your mom'll be a snap.

XENA
My mom has been through enough. I was a bloodthirsty warlord. I got half our village killed fighting Cortese. And when Callisto was in my body, she tried to burn everyone in Amphipolis -- especially mom.... This is not someone who needs any more shocks.

GABRIELLE
This will be *good* news, Xena. Her daughter is getting married! Your mom will want to celebrate!

XENA
Uh huh.

CHORUS
Just knock! Just knock! Let your mom
undo the lock! She'll cheer! You're here!
Then she'll offer us a beer!

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

behind the two women stands a huge group of villagers from Poteidaia, who have been trailing them for days as a Greek Chorus.

XENA
(to chorus)
How many times do I have to tell you idiots -- GO HOME!!!!

CHORUS
No way! No way! We're here and going
to stay! Now tell Cyrene you're gay!

Gabrielle grabs Xena's hand as she reaches for her chakram.

GABRIELLE
Just ignore them. C'mon, let's go in.

Gabrielle drags a reluctant Xena to the tavern door.

CUT TO:

INT. CYRENE'S TAVERN - DAY

There are a few drunken patrons lolling around. Xena's mother, Cyrene, is wiping down the bar, humming a popular drinking song that sounds suspiciously like the Star Spangled Banner. Xena, Gabrielle and the Poteidaian chorus crowd through the entrance. The drunks immediately stagger over to join the chorus, making it even larger, more obnoxious and (almost an impossibility) less talented.

CYRENE
Xena?
(to one of the drunks)
Quick! Everyone run for the hills! We're under attack again!

XENA
No, mom, this is just a social visit.

CYRENE
(suspicious)
Oh?
(looks around)
Then why are you here with an army?

CHORUS
We're not an army, Lovely Lass. We're a
chorus, hoping to get drunk off our ass.

CYRENE
Now, that's my kinda chorus. Belly up to the bar, boys! What'll ya have?

Still in their chorusly row, they line up for drinks.

GABRIELLE
Um... hi, Xena's mom. May I call you that?

CYRENE
No.

GABRIELLE
Ah. Well, I guess you didn't see me here when I came in. I'm Gabrielle. Remember me?

CYRENE
(searching her memory)
The sidekick, right?

GABRIELLE
Well, not just a sidekick--

CYRENE

(dismissively)
Whatever.
(to the chorus)
What'll it be?

CHORUS
Wine! And ale! By the bucket and the
pail! Port! And beer! Bring the keg right
over here! Malt! And Gin! Let the guzzling
now begin!

CYRENE
Enthusiastic, aren't you? I like that in a chorus.

XENA
So, how've ya been, Mom?

CYRENE
Oh, pretty good. Finally got the new plaque from the Chamber of Commerce. We now seat 37 within fire codes!

XENA
That's great.

CYRENE
How about you?

XENA
Oh, the usual. Died, ate ambrosia, came back to life, you know how it is.

CYRENE
That's nice, dear.

CHORUS
She has news! Something to say! She's
so happy -- we'd call her gay!

XENA
(sotto voce to chorus) Shut up! I'll tell her in my own time.

CHORUS
(whispering)
Our mistake, Warrior. We couldn't be
sorrier.

XENA
(to herself) You can say that again.

CHORUS
We suck! We suck--

XENA
I know, I know, if I want poetry I'm outta luck. Enough already. Get a new tagline.

CHORUS
We stink! We stink! How's about another drink?

GABRIELLE
You know, Cyrene -- may I call you that?

CYRENE
No.

GABRIELLE
Ah. Well, I just wanted to say that I've become much more than a sidekick. For instance, I'm an Amazon Queen now.

CYRENE
No discounts for royalty. There are too many ways to get a title nowadays. Isn't that so, Warrior *Princess?*

XENA
Lay off, Mom. I told you -- it's a forged in battle thing. No one thinks I'm actually a princess.

CYRENE
I'm just not keen on being called the queen mother or something. I have to keep my air of youth and vitality in case some good- looking stranger wants to take me away from all this.
(to a member of the chorus)
That's three dinars. No credit.

CHORUS
We'll pay! Run a tab! And this Merlot is simply fab! It's fruity yet suissant -- a taste that's au courant!

XENA
Perfect. They're not just horrendous poets, they're also a bunch of snobby winos.

GABRIELLE
(mumbling to herself)
I wasn't trying to get free drinks, just wanted you to know I was more than a sidekick, that's all.

CYRENE
So what are you really here for, Xena? You have some news? What is it?

XENA
Oh, it'll keep. So... how's Torus?

CYRENE
It's almost like he doesn't exist. I never see him.

GABRIELLE
May I have a glass of water?

CYRENE
Three dinars.

GABRIELLE
For water?

CYRENE
It's got bubbles in it.

Gabrielle shrugs and counts out the money.

XENA
Gimme something strong.

CYRENE
Three dinars.

XENA
That's my mom.

CHORUS
More ale! More ale! We're feeling rather
pale! More booze! More booze! We've
nothing left to lose!

CYRENE
I'm going to have to go into the back. My keg is dry.

CHORUS
Her keg is dry! We're gonna cry!

CYRENE
(to chorus)
Finish your port and don't whine!
(realizing)
Hey, I made a funny.

CHORUS
Your wit is bright, our eyes are blurry.
Ale heals sight -- so dammit -- hurry!

CYRENE
Touchy, aren't they? Keep an eye on things, Xena.

XENA
Yeah, okay, Mom.

Cyrene exits. Xena and Gabrielle sit down at a table and
speak softly, out of earshot of the chorus.

GABRIELLE
Why didn't you tell her?

XENA
I've changed my mind.

GABRIELLE
You can't change your mind! You want her at the wedding, right?

XENA
I dunno...

GABRIELLE
She's your mom! She has to be there! I know you love her.

XENA
Yeah, of course I do.

GABRIELLE
So just tell her. She'll understand.

XENA
I don't know how to go about it.

Gabrielle thinks a moment, then brightens.

GABRIELLE
I know! Tell her you're thinking of becoming a warlord again. Then when she gets all upset say you changed your mind and pop the news. She'll be so happy you aren't a warlord, marrying me will seem great!

XENA
What -- do you write for sitcoms or something? That's a terrible idea.

GABRIELLE
(miffed)
Well, at least I'm trying.

XENA
Yeah, trying my patience.

CHORUS
We'll help! We'll hint! Be the pyrite to our flint!

PULL BACK TO REVEAL

the chorus has snuck up and circled the two women,
listening intently to their conversation.

XENA
(dangerously close to losing it)
You may not be lying about me becoming a warlord again -- and these clowns will be my first victims!

Cyrene returns, carrying a huge keg.

CYRENE
Ale for everyone! Three dinars a mug!

The chorus races back to the bar

CHORUS
How dry I am! How wet I'll be! If
Cyrene will pour -- an ale for me!

GABRIELLE
I notice she lets *them* call her Cyrene...

Xena walks over to her mother.

XENA
Mom, I'm marrying Gabrielle. Want to come to the wedding?

All voices still. There is a long moment of silence. The chorus continues
to drink nonstop.

CYRENE
(shocked)
What????

XENA
You heard me.

CYRENE

Oh, this can't be! Please tell me you're lying.

XENA
(unsure)
Did I mention I was thinking of becoming a warlord again?

CYRENE
(pointing at Gabrielle)
Her? You're marrying her? A bloody sidekick?

XENA
(dangerous)
Yeah. Gonna make something of it?

CYRENE
I certainly will! Why... there are so many lovely local girls you could marry! What about that nice Merolkia? She was pretty -- and smart, too! So good with cyphers. Or Pettruka! I heard she's an oracle now. Nice temple, good hours, great benefits package. Or what about Cyvalia? She inherited her father's pigs. Why she's knee deep in them -- rich as Croesus!

XENA
I prefer Gabrielle to swine.

GABRIELLE
Um... thanks.
(beat)
I think.

CHORUS
(drunk)
She'sh nah sho bad... she'sh a bard. Her absh are ripped and her ash ish hard...

CYRENE
(getting teary)
I had such dreams for you, Xena...
(to a chorus member)
Hey! You on the end -- show me the dinars! Show me the dinars!

A chorus member who resembles Tom Cruise smiles
sheepishly and digs in his money pouch.

XENA
So you gonna come to the wedding or not?

CYRENE
I suppose so...

GABRIELLE
Oh that's wonderful! Thank you, Mom! May I call you Mom?

CYRENE
No.

GABRIELLE
Ah. I'm sorta running out of choices here. What would *you* like me to call you?

CYRENE
Mrs. Berkowitz.

GABRIELLE
Huh?

CYRENE
It sounds glamorous.

CHORUS
(on a crying jag)
Nobothy unnershtanns ush... We try sho hard, bud ish all uselush.

The chorus passes out en masse.

XENA
C'mon, Gabrielle. While the chorus is sleeping it off. Let's make a break for it.

GABRIELLE
Good plan.

XENA
Bye, Mom. I'll send you an invitation.

CYRENE
Bye Xena.

GABRIELLE
Bye, Mrs. Berkowitz.

CYRENE
Don't call me that.

GABRIELLE
But you said--

One of the chorus members stirs.

XENA
C'mon, Gabrielle! Now!

They run out the door. Cyrene looks around, making sure no
one is listening.

CYRENE
(praying)
Thank you gods! For letting my Xena find such a sweet, loving girl to spend her life with. My daughter is truly blessed. But mostly, thank you dear gods for letting me finally achieve my goal -- (pure evil)
I'm a mother-in-law!!!

Which does explain where Xena gets her darkness...

FADE OUT.

THE END

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