Coming Out - The Wedding

The Wedding

by Joanna
JSandsmark@aol.com

Editor's Note: Please don't have any liquid near your keyboard for this. Tom's Fan Fiction Page will not accept responsibility for any damage to keyboards.

Disclaimer: There is mention of a relationship between two women. If you are offended by this please read another story.

FADE IN:

INT. SMALL CHANGING ROOM - DAY

Gabrielle is in her wedding gown. Her mom is there, as well
as Lila who is dressed in a hideous bridesmaid outfit of
bilious green carpet. Half of the Greek chorus is stuffed
into the corner, trying to look inconspicuous. Mom is putting
the finishing touches on Gabrielle's hair and veil.

MOM
Now don't be nervous, Chimpycheeks.
Everything is going to be all right. The
High Priestess of Demeter has a copy of
the vows you both wrote, and I've given
her all the instructions she needs.

GABRIELLE
Thanks, Mom. Didn't Xena look beautiful
last night at the rehearsal dinner?

MOM
She's a looker, but you're even cuter,
cuz you're my little Pussycakes --
aren't ya?
(she tickles Gabrielle)
Aren't ya? Aren't ya?

GABRIELLE
(giggling)
Cut it out, Mom! I'm nervous enough.

CHORUS
Don't fear! My dear! Xena loves you,
that is clear!

GABRIELLE
(to chorus, smiling)
That was sweet! See, I knew there
was a reason I told Xena not to kill
you.

CHORUS
We're here! To cheer! The wedding
of a queer!

GABRIELLE
Okay, not so sweet anymore. Get out.

The chorus looks chagrined but stays.

LILA
My dress itches.

GABRIELLE
Deal with it.

LILA
It makes me look fat.

GABRIELLE
Suck in your cheeks.

LILA
Does Xena have a sister?

GABRIELLE
No, but she has a brother who sorta
doesn't exist any more.

LILA
Cool. That's how we think of you.

Mom puts the finishing touches on Gabrielle's veil then stands
back. She begins to weep.

MOM
Oh! My babykins is getting married!

GABRIELLE
Don't cry, Mommy.

MOM
I can't help it. You're radiant, Puppychow.
Just radiant!

CHORUS
I sing a song of Perdicus! The boy I
knew, the man I loved!

MOM
(to chorus)
Shut up, ya freaks! It's Xena now.
She's the apple of my kittykins' eye.

CHORUS
I sing a song of Xena! The bloodthirsty
warlord I knew, the leather-clad
butt-kicker I love!

MOM
Much better.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Cyrene is adjusting the leather strips which hang off Xena's
leather tuxedo jacket. It's all she's wearing. Enormous
amounts of enhanced cleavage show as well as an endless
expanse of tanned, muscled legs. The other half of the chorus
cowers in the corner.

XENA
I appreciate your coming, Mom.

CYRENE
Yeah, well, I needed to get away
from the tavern.

Xena leans over and sniffs her mother.

XENA
Gods above! Did you bathe?

CYRENE
Too many candles around here.
With the amount of liquor my skin
absorbs I could spontaneously combust
like that!

Cyrene snaps her fingers and a tiny flame erupts. She blows it
out casually.

XENA
Good thinking, Sparky.

CHORUS
Burn baby burn! Cyrene inferno!
Burn baby burn! She smells just
like sterno!

XENA
(to chorus, dangerous)
What did I tell you?

CHORUS
We'll die! This time! If we dare to
speak in rhyme!

XENA
And, what did you just do?

CHORUS
(small)
Oops...

Cyrene surveys her daughter, taking the attention away from
the doomed chorus.

CYRENE
Need any more padding?

XENA
No, I think I'm pretty much at
peak capacity.

CYRENE
Okay, see ya out there then.

XENA
Yeah. Seeya.

Cyrene exits. Xena glares at the chorus who silently slink
away. Alone now, Xena looks at herself in the mirror one last
time. Quickly, she grabs her breast dagger and stuffs it in
her cleavage. Then she attaches her chakram and fits her
sword on her back.

XENA (cont'd)
Now I'm ready for a wedding.

CUT
TO:

INT. TEMPLE OF DEMETER - DAY

The Greek Chorus, reunited, is milling around. The assembled
guests are all familiar faces. Many of them look like
identical twins, which no one finds odd. David and an
anonymous centaur hang out together, Cupid and Caesar chat,
Princess Diana, Meg, Lyla and an Amazon enforcer whisper in
the corner, Ephiny and some French lady giggle, etc. Cyrene
takes her place near the front. On the other side is Mom, who
weeps loudly.

Suddenly the chorus files up to the front as Xena enters from
the side. She nervously adjusts her chakram. Hercules,
dressed in a bilious green tuxedo, stands next to her. The
chorus begins to play the Wedding March on pan flutes as
Lila walks slowly up the aisle. Then Gabrielle appears at
the back of the temple. They put away their flutes and sing.

CHORUS
One! Singular sensation, every
little move she makes.

Gabrielle, on her Dad's arm, walks down the aisle.

CHORUS (cont'd)
One! Bardly irritation, with every
French accent she fakes!

The Chorus pull out their pan flutes again to play an interlude.

ANGLE ON

Miss Artyphus whispering to Salmoneus.

MISS ARTYPHUS
I just adored "Aristophanes' Chorus
Line", didn't you? Saw it in Athens when
it opened. Spectacular costumes --
and the dancing! To die for!

SALMONEUS
I made a mint off the tunic sales.
Ah, those were good times.

Salmoneus sniffles, remembering.

MISS ARTYPHUS
Oh, I always cry at weddings! You're
my kind of man!

Miss Artyphus comforts Salmoneus as they both shed a tear.

BACK TO SCENE

Gabrielle and Dad arrive at the altar.

HIGH PRIESTESS
We are gathered here in the temple of
Demeter to sing praises--

CHORUS
Praises!

HIGH PRIESTESS
--to our goddess, as she blesses the
joining of the two women who stand
before me. Marriage is a covenant not
to be entered into lightly...

CHORUS
Think twice! Think thrice! If your
marriage sucks life won't be nice!

Xena glares at the chorus, then, with a jerk of her chest,
launches her breast dagger. It pins one of the chorus
members to the wall. Message received, they stop chanting.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Who here shall giveth away--
(looks blank for a minute)
--the... uh... short chick?

DAD
I do. Love ya, Puddin' Pop.

Dad kisses Gabrielle then puts her hand in Xena's.

CHORUS
One! Singular sensation every
little move she makes! One! Clean
decapitation with every head that
she breaks!

Xena again glares at the chorus, dangerously. They continue,
despite this. They're not a very bright chorus.

CHORUS
She says it's all in the past but we
are.. not... sure... She says she's
heroically cast -- are her mo-tives
pure?

They whip out their pan flutes again and begin to do a high
kicking dance as they play. Xena grabs her chakram and
throws it.

It bounces off the altar, around the temple, gives a couple
haircuts, including a shampoo and rinse, then neatly slices
through all the pan flutes before returning to her.

XENA
If I weren't in such a good mood...

GABRIELLE
It's okay, Xena. You can beat them
senseless at the reception.

XENA
(melting)
Thanks, Chimpycheeks.

HIGH PRIESTESS
(muttering)
All these interruptions. We'll never
get outta here.
(to all)
Okay, moving along. Yadda yadda yadda...
if anyone here objects to this joining,
let them speak now or forever hold
their peace.

The chorus takes a big breath as if to speak, but Xena draws
her sword. They all smile angelically; silent.

ANGLE ON

A man standing in the back of the temple.

R. J. STEWART
I object!

STEVE SEARS
Sit down, R. J., it's only a parody.

R. J. STEWART
Ah. Okay, then. As long as everyone
remembers that they obviously like men.

BACK TO SCENE

Xena glares at all the guests, her sword twirling menacingly.
Callisto stands up, dripping lava.

CALLISTO
I don't really object, but I love to
cause trouble, so okay, I'll bite.

CHORUS
She bites! She fights! She's a favorite
of Xenites!

GABRIELLE
Callisto!
(to Xena, intensely)
Teach me how to kill her, Xena.

XENA
Now? In the middle of our wedding?

GABRIELLE
Well... okay, we'll save it for the
honeymoon.

CALLISTO
Tell you what. I withdraw my objection.
I'll just wait until the little girl says
something sappy about knowing what
love really is or something. Much more
dramatic.

GABRIELLE
Ha! Jokes on you -- that scene was
cut for time!

CALLISTO
Damn.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Can we please get on with this? I
have to preside over a pot luck dinner
in an hour and I still haven't baked
my casserole.

CHORUS
She's pressed for time! Get on the dime!
Say your vows! So we can carouse!

HIGH PRIESTESS
Ho-kay. No objections, so yadda yadda,
let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Do you, Xena, take this woman to be
your--

GABRIELLE
Wait! I wrote incredibly touching
vows about the meaning of love and
life with Xena and the future and
every detail of how she makes my
heart go pittypat!

Callisto stands and readies her sword.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Uh huh. Wasn't that the scene that
was cut for time?

GABRIELLE
No, I have several scenes like that.

HIGH PRIESTESS
So, Xena, did you write vows, too?

XENA
Yeah.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Are they as... *detailed* as hers?

The High Priestess points to a huge pile of scrolls, several
feet high.

XENA
Nah.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Good. Okay, people, assume the short
chick just said all that sappy stuff
about love, 'kay? Your turn, Xena.

Callisto sits down, disconsolately.

ANGLE ON

Steve Sears weeping in the corner. R.J. Stewart comforts
him.

STEVE SEARS
But those vows were some of my best
stuff!

R. J. STEWART
I know, I know. Don't worry, we'll
recycle them into another script,
I promise.

BACK TO SCENE

The High Priestess hands Xena her vow scroll. Xena unrolls
it with great ceremony. She clears her throat.

XENA
(reading)
Ditto.

She hands the scroll back to the High Priestess.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Okay, do you--

GABRIELLE
(to High Priestess)
Hold on a second here, High.
(to Xena)
Ditto? That's it? Those are the
vows you spent endless evenings
pouring over at the campfire?
(imitating Xena)
"No, Gaaaabrielllle. I'm too tired.
Been working on my vows. I have a
headache, Gaaabriellle. From squinting
at my vows by firelight."

CHORUS
She's miffed! She's miffed! I sense
there'll be a rift!

ANGLE ON

R. J. Stewart and Steve Sears.

R. J. STEWART
Hey -- why didn't we think of that?

STEVE SEARS
Don't worry, I'm writing it down. You
call Rob.

BACK TO SCENE

XENA
Well, I wrote several drafts. But I
realized that whatever you said would
probably be better -- and more like
what I meant.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Work it out after you're married, Ladies.
That's what most people do.

XENA
Fine with me.

GABRIELLE
Okay, I guess.

Suddenly, from the back of the temple, there's a huge ruckus.
Every warlord Xena has ever fought stands there. Callisto
jumps up happily to join them. Velaska twirls in like a
tornado.

XENA
Must be time for a commercial break
or something.

FADE OUT.

INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE

FADE IN:

INT. TEMPLE OF DEMETER - CONTINUOUS

For a moment everyone stands at the ready. Then Draco
pushes forward.

DRACO
Hi Xena! Hi Gabrielle! Are we late?
Got caught in the crosstown foot races.

Callisto slinks back to her seat, disappointed.

XENA
Find a place to sit and be quiet.
We're almost through here.

The warlords ease past several guests, looking for seats.

WARLORDS
Pardon me. Excuse me. Ooops! Sorry
about the foot. Hey, neat hat. Pardon
me...

When they're all seated, Xena glances up at the chandelier.
Suddenly, she does a somersaulting flip into the air, singing
out her warcry.

CHORUS
It's sabotage! It's fear we're feeling!
Happens every time Xena heads toward
the ceiling!

Crouching precariously on the chandelier, Xena takes out
her fire tools and relights one of the candles. She leaps down.

XENA
Sorry. But good lighting is extremely
important.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, your eyes did seem slightly less
blue for a minute there.

Xena turns to the High Priestess.

XENA
We're ready now.

The High Priestess is busy throwing small chunks of chicken
into a casserole dish. She looks up, sees that the women are
ready.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Yeah? You all set?

XENA
Do it, High.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Gotcha. Do you, Xena, take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife? To
yadda and yadda and all that?

XENA
I do.

HIGH PRIESTESS
Do you, Short Chick, take this woman
to whatever?

GABRIELLE
I do.

HIGH PRIESTESS
I now pronounce you married. Kiss each
other.

Gabrielle moves to kiss Xena who is suddenly shoved aside
by Autolycus. A chakram mysteriously slices across
Autolycus' face, shaving off his moustache.

AUTOLYCUS
Point taken, Xena.
(to R.J.)
I tried.

R. J. STEWART
Oh well...

Autolycus slinks away. Xena takes her place in front of
Gabrielle and gives her a long, slow kiss.

CHORUS
They kissed! They kissed! If you went
to the john, look what you missed!

XENA
(to chorus)
They all have VCRs.

CHORUS
Replay! Slo mo! Discuss each nuance
as you go!

The chorus sings the wedding march.

CHORUS (cont'd)
Na na na-na! Na na na-na! Na na na-na
na na-na na na-na!

Xena and Gabrielle turn and walk down the aisle together as
the guests stand and cheer.

XENA
That went pretty good, I think.

GABRIELLE
Yeah -- who'd have guessed it would go
without a hitch?

FADE OUT.

THE END

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