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Xena and the Holy Grail

by Mythweaver (Mark Tiemann)

Warning: The following tale contains adult themes, language and gratuitous acts of violence. Therefore, if you are under the age 18 please find a more appropriate tale to read until you are a wee bit older! If ye find anything objectionable about the content of this parody, please take it as it was intended - in good fun. And now... unto our production!

All characters, living icons, and corporations mentioned or depicted remain the copyrighted material of their respective owners and no copyright infringement upon them is intended or implied. Only original material is copyright 1997 - Mythweaver MacGab

Xena and the Holy Grail

Also released as:

Xena and the Quest for the Holy Grail

Xena and the Quest for Monty Python

Monty Python's Quest for Xena

The Holy Grail's Quest for Notoriety

Xena, Gabrielle and the Magnificent Moose

Are Xena and Gabrielle Closet Heterosexuals?

Reggy the Dancing Llama Sings Broadway Show Tunes

Notes for Scene #94


Xena and the Holy Grail

[This scene which was added to the scenes seen in the completed script was still under production at the time of printing. It is, in fact, still under revision at the present time (please compensate for any deviation from Greenwich Mean Time in order to avoid confusion). Therefore, we bring it to you almost as an addendum to the completed script, which by rights should be called the almost completed script because it really cannot be called a completed script because this scene is not seen in it, as of yet (even though it is seen here). We apologize for any confusion and/or matter disruption this may bring about. Thank you for your cooperation. This has been a public service announcement]


[The Setting: Arthur, Lancelot, Bedevere, Robin, Xena, Gabrielle, and their respective mounts break the crest of the hill over looking the magnificent splendor of that castle of castles, Arthur's proud home - CAMELOT!]

GABRIELLE: I cannot believe it... My wish, my dream, my ultimate fantasy come true... At long last, the castle of Cumalot!!

LANCELOT: That's Lancelot, my lady and it is not my castle.

ROBIN: It's not?? Fine time for someone to tell me, that! I am just sick and tired of these last minute script changes.

ARTHUR: Quiet!!!!

GABRIELLE: No, you twit! Cumalot!! Cumalot!!!

[The strains of many well tuned, bowed strings, and the brilliant shrill of shining brass instruments begins to fill the air as Gabrielle breaks into song. NOTE: If you listening to the script instead of viewing the motion picture, you may wish to follow along by singing the following to that famous signature tune from the famous Broadway production - "Camelot". Of course, your "at home" rendition will not include the musical talents of the Round Table Knight's Symphonic Choir and Dance Troop, but we trust your imagination will provide adequate compensation for this loss.]


Cum-a-lot!! Cum-a-lot! Oh, how the place does give me pause.
For in Cum-a-lot, Cum-a-lot!!
The rooms are filled with whores.
A place where clothes slowly come off by sundown.
By 8 its only panties and brassiere.
In short there's simply not,
a more con-ju-gal spot.
For happily forn-ica-a-ting than here - in - Cum -a - lot!

[The music takes on a rich, heraldry as tympani, horns and strings marry the sweet four-part harmony of the castle knights, as the second verse of the song is ready to unmold itself. Suddenly...]

MAN HIDING BEHIND LARGE ROCK: Shut up!!!! Kill that music, PLEASE!! I will have no more of that, you hear? Now shut up!!! Its unthoughtful sounds as these that prompted my castle to sink into that swamp of despair, I tell you.

LANCELOT: Excuse me, sir, but your scene hasn't come up yet.


LANCELOT: Positive sir.

MAN FORMALLY HIDING BEHIND LARGE ROCK BUT WHO IS NOW SINKING DOWN IN EMBARRASSMENT TO HIDE AS HE ORIGINALLY DID AT THE START OF THIS STUPID SCENE: Ohhh dear. I do apologize. I... hope this won't effect the happy occasion of my getting rid of that sissy son of mine, I'm marrying him off to some silly sot, when my scene does come up.

ALL THE KNIGHTS: Here, here not to worry. It's all right!!

LANCELOT: It's all right, everyone is entitled to one mistake, isn't that right, sir. [Turning his attention to the proud King of the Britons.]

ARTHUR: Yes, brave sir knight! Even the King of this mighty and prosperous land is not above the laws of nature. He is not immune to the periodical mistake which is the birthright and privilege of all free Englishmen - Norman or Saxon.

XENA: It seems you have all abused that privilege, especially the writer! I've got to get out of here!!!!!

[Gabrielle looks down at her chest, and for the first time notices her breasts are not as pronounced as Xena's. She seems dejected by the cruel, cutting looks she is getting from the so-called English King and many of his knights in loo of her innocent, childlike mistake, not to mention her newly discovered sense of inadequacy as a woman. She realizes that Arthur's lofty words do not seem to include her. Noticing this injustice as a breach of chivalry, Bedevere turns to offer the poor girl his wisdom.]

BEDEVERE: My dear, you have been the victim of foul, but not uncommon, mispronunciation. The castle is called Cam-e-lot. Not Cumelot. This is the home of King Arthur of the Britons and the Knights of the Round Table.

XENA: It's more like ham-a-lot with this lousy script! [Xena seeks the peace and tranquillity of shining her straight, powerful sword as she imagines it buried to the hilt in the chest of either her agent or the writer of this script. Being completely unprejudiced in the matter, she would not care who would be the first to die. A noble sediment earning her the respect of the chivalrous knights. Yea!]

GABRIELLE: But... but... I... I... Ohhhhhhhhhh shit, I'll never stop being a virgin.

[HAZE OFFICE BULLETIN: We are sorry, but the scene which was to follow this scene showing the fair and enticing maiden, Gabrielle, having her bones repeatedly jumped on by many husky, virile knights and finally relinquishing, in complete joy and rapture, her virginity, had to be removed from the script. This scene can only be seen in the uncut video tape copy of the original uncut movie. Of course, this version also contains the forbidden scenes of Xena hacking to death every knight as she suddenly realizes she is jealous of them and is madly in love with the fair maiden. After this surprising discovery, she carries Gabrielle off into the sunset for a most unusual honeymoon in Rio. The reason all this was cut, outside of the moral and religious implications involved, was because this caused a premature end to the picture and was not very popular with the major explorer clubs around the globe. For this reason, this tape is only available from the back rooms of two pubs located in northeastern Mongolia. If you are able to make the trip to either of these locations, have your Visa or Mastercard ready and ask for Joe. And remember, although these pubs offer forbidden films and illegal beverages, they do not take American Express. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused and return you to the script, already in progress. Thank you, very very very very very very very much for your cooperation. This has been a Haze Office Bulletin.]

ROBIN'S BARD: [Singing to the popular tune, brought to you at ludicrous expense, "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off".]

You say Cum-e-lot,
I say Cam-e-lot,
You say Pranc-e-lot,
I say Lanc-e-lot
Cum-e-lot, Cam-e-lot
Pranc-e-lot, Lanc-e-lot,
Let's burn the castle down!

ARTHUR AND XENA: Shut up!!!!

LANCELOT: Excuse me sir, maybe we should pass over Camelot.

ROBIN: Passover? I never figured Lancelot for a Jewish name.

ARTHUR: Lancelot is Jewish??

GABRIELLE: Why should that surprise you? Ever met Salmoneus??

XENA: Somehow I don't think that's possible, Gabrielle... Then again... look at the nightmare we're in!

LANCELOT: I am *not* Jewish, sir. I am proud to say, I gave that up for lent!

BEDEVERE: Speaking of lent, where is the 5 pounds I lent you last month?

GABRIELLE: Five pounds of what?

ROBIN: Pounds you silly girl, its money.

GABRIELLE: Ohhhh, you mean dinars?

LANCELOT: No, my lady, those come after lunch.

ARTHUR: Shut up!!!!!!!

LANCELOT: Shutting up sir, if you want us to shut up you simply have to ask and we would be more than happy to shut up, sir. You see...

ARTHUR: [With a unknown form of foam beginning to emanate and bubble from the King's mouth he grabs Lancelot by the shoulders and proceeds to shake him in a most hostile fashion.] Shut up!!! Shut up!!!

XENA: Let's get out of here. The closer we get to that castle the worse the script gets.

ARTHUR: [Recovering from the spastic fit he just had to endure...] Yes, on second thought, let's *not* go to Camelot. It is a silly place.


FADE INTO SCENE 555 (uh... sorry 333)

[The Setting: To the north there lies a cave - the cave of Caerbannog - wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail. The entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived!]

[Arthur, his knights, Xena, Gabrielle and all their coconuts (sorry... horses) ride up to an outcrop of high stone. Before them lay the darkness beyond the opening in the Earth knownas the cave of Caerbannog.]

[clop, clop, clop...whinny, whinny]

GALAHAD: They're nervous, sire. (Pointing to the now stationary men nervously knocking coconuts together).

XENA: Whoa there!

ARTHUR: That's my line, saucy wench!! We'd best leave the horses here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!

GABRIELLE: Argo is hard to hold, Xena you best get off! (Gabrielle, looking like she is having some sort of seizure, has a hard time releasing the dancing coconuts with the name Argo inscribed on them)

TIM: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!

ARTHUR: Keep me covered.

GALAHAD: What with?

ARTHUR: With... Just keep me covered.

GABRIELLE: (Now free of the rabid coconuts) I have Argo's blanket you can use.

ROBIN: Is it chintz? I just adore chintz.

XENA: Then you should love this bit - chintzy as Hades.

LANCELOT: Hades, my lady?

ARTHUR: Shut up!!! Are you going to cover me!!!

ALL: Yes my liege! (Gabrielle covers Arthur with Argo's saddle blanket as she smiles with the carefree innocence of youth and girlish charm.)

ARTHUR: Right!!

[All except Xena move to Arthur's right side. Arthur shakes his head in an almost annoyed, irritated manner. All those assembled, with the exception of a certain warrior princess, seemed to be puzzled by this uncalled for action of their king's head.]

ARTHUR: You idiots!!! Half to the right, half to the left!!!

BORS: What's left?

ROBIN: Well, we have some mutton stew - there's not much, but its really mutton, some nice croissants from those silly French soldiers, a couple of spare...

ARTHUR: Shut up!!!!!!

GABRIELLE: I love croissants with jam.

BORS: Did you say spam?

ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!

BEDEVERE: Where, my liege?

LANCELOT: Excuse me sir, but I could make a feint to the left and while I do, you could...

ARTHUR: Not that again!! Half of you cover my left!!

ROBIN: Now hold on here, no where in the preliminary script did it mention any of us being required to split in half, sir.

TIM: Too late! [a dramatic chord sounds out from the stillness of the morning air filled with the fresh fragrance of blooming violets and the rotting flesh of many corpses.]


TIM: There he is!

[All look toward the cave opening, but the only movement they can behold is the tiny hops of an adorable white rabbit]

ALL: Where?

TIM: There!

ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?

TIM: It is the rabbit!

GABRIELLE: Oh... How cute!!

XENA: It would look better roasted.

ARTHUR: You silly sod!

TIM: What?

ARTHUR: You got us all worked up over that?!?

TIM: That's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

BEDEVERE: But how do you *know* she is a witch?

ARTHUR: Well, because... You tit!

LANCELOT: Excuse me sir, but *she* has the tits. [Pointing over to Xena]

ARTHUR: I... Oh, right! You stupid bastard! That was the line you were supposed to say in scene 37!!


ARTHUR: Shut up!!!! [Arthur screams as he wrings his hands for some unfathomable reason]

TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!

GALAHAD: Get stuffed!

GABRIELLE: I wish... but, I suppose my time will come. Until then, all I can do is dream - my heart filled with desire. It makes me want to... want to... sing!!

[A full orchestra begins to fill the countryside with the rich sounds of strings, brass, woodwinds and...]

MAN LEAPING UP FROM BEHIND ROCKS: Stop that!! Stop that music!!! I'll have none of that, now!!

XENA: I am surrounded by idiots. Who wrote this anyway??

TIM: That bunny will do you up a treat!

GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?

TIM: I'm warning you!

ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?

GABRIELLE: I think he's adorable. Don't you DARE hurt him.

XENA: This better improve or I am going to hurt somebody!!!!

TIM: But... but... He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

BORS: Right! One rabbit stew comin' right up!

[Bors boldly climbs over the surrounding rocks making his way to this rabbit of repute when suddenly... INTERMISSION]

[We are sorry, but the previous message which was supposed to appear where it said INTERMISSION, was not able to be shown at its appointed time. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, but unfortunately it could not be helped. Since it was an advertisement for sanitary napkins, we are sure that all loyal Xena and Monty Python fans can use their own imagination and fill in the voided area.... so to speak. We hope to correct the situation in the next INTERMISSION and bring you a full blown, technicolored, cinemascopic, THX surround-sounded advertisement from the makers of SPAM. We hope this will make up for... Pardon me, but I have just been informed that this commercial announcement announcing our not running the previous announcement has went overtime. We apologize for this oversight and now return you to our previously scheduled program, already in progress. This has been a public service announcement.]

TIM: Look!

[loud, very expensive "squeak" sound]

BORS: Aaaugh!

[dramatic chord, played by full orchestra under the baton of conductor and soviet leader, Boris Yeltsin is followed by a clunk as Bors drops to the ground. Actually those of you who are listening very carefully, will have heard two clunking sounds. The first is the sound of Bors' head (Did you say Boar's Head?) hitting the ground as the ferocious teeth of the small, defenseless(?) bunny nibbles its way through the many fibers of muscle, tendons, veins, arteries, and various prostethic devices to dismember his member (my apologies to the Haze Office). The second clunk is the melodious sound of Bors' body reaching terminal velocity as it travels unimpeded, with the exception of air drag, by the pull of one G (Earth gravity normal).]

ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!

BEDEVERE: Is he here, my liege?

TIM: I warned you!

ROBIN: I soiled myself again!

TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--

ARTHUR AND XENA: Oh, shut up!

TIM: Do they listen to me?

XENA: [Untying the chakrum at her side] If you speak one more time, I will rip your throat out!

ARTHUR: Right!

LANCELOT: I thought it was left, sir?

XENA: Oh, no... Not again!


[Arthur and his party, with the exception of Xena, Gabrielle and the coconuts named Argo, charge forward. Once again we hear the very expensive "squeak squeak squeak" as the pretty little bunny leaps from knight to knight and proceeds to feast on the upper layers of epidermis bare and open to the air from between the protective layers of chintzy armor. We know this announcement is overkill, but the squeak sound did cost quite a bit, so we ask all of you to sit back and enjoy it for a moment. The next sound effect of great expense that we will bring to you, is the ecstatic sound of Xena's chakrum flying through the air. This sound is brought to you by the good folks at MCA/Universal with no expense spared. We will point out the effect when it is the proper time. Thank you for your attention. This has been another public service announcement.]

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.

GABRIELLE: Run away! Run away!

ARTHUR: Bitchy tart, that's my line! Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...

TIM: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha, ha ha hee haw!

[Xena, who is standing beside Tim, only slightly in front of him and to the right, quickly lifts her right hand and smacks the hysterical user of magic dead in the face. He suddenly displays a very peculiar grimace as we are treated, once again, to the sound of a clunking body. He, unlike our handsome brave hero, Bors, recovers.]

ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?



ARTHUR: And Bors. That's five.

GALAHAD: Three, sir.

XENA: Jesus Christ!!! [shakes head as if tying to wake herself from this strange nightmare] What the Hades am I saying???? Mighty Athena!

BEDEVERE: Now *she* sees him too!

ARTHUR: Three. We'd better not risk another frontal assault.

GABRIELLE: We could run away again?

ROBIN: Brave girl!! I think you and I could go off into the woods together and...

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.

XENA: He *is* getting rank.

LANCELOT: I didn't know knights held ranks, did you sir? [questioning Arthur] If that's true I have always been sort of partial to Admiral...

[The crisp air of the valley is filled with the sharp slap sound made as Arthur smacks his own forehead in celebration of Lancelot's proposal for knightly ranks. Film at eleven.]

GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

ARTHUR: Like what?

GALAHAD: Well... Ahhhh...

LAUNCELOT: Have we got bow and arrows?


[All of Arthur's knights scratch their heads as they become lost deep in the bowels of thought. Meanwhile, Xena shakes her head at what she feels to be an absurd situation as Gabrielle looks down and wonders if breast enlargement surgery is a viable solution.]

LAUNCELOT: We... Uh.. We have the Holy Hand Grenade, sir.

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him!

XENA: Will you shut up, all of you!!!

MONKS: [chanting carrying the Holy Hand Grenade] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [This roughly translats as: "Who the hell does this bitch in leather think she is?"]

XENA: Everyone just stand back and count to three!!!

[She raises her glistening silver chakrum high above her silky, raven-black hair. Each muscle in her neck and shoulders tenses to display their sensuous curviness. They reflect the ripe, fullness of her soft, round...]

[HAZE OFFICE BULLETIN: We regret to interrupt the presentation of Xena and the Holy Grail, but the present scene of the presentation was not caught in our office before show time. We therefore bring for your reading and dining pleasure a description of Reggy the Dancing Llama while the highly erotic and sexually intense description of Xena's incredible body (full-heaving tits, cavernous cleavage, shapely thighs, sexy calves, mouthwatering ass, silky pubics, sorry... etc, etc) run through this script. So, for your entertainment here is Reggy the Dancing... Oh, the bit in the script is over?... Our apologies to Reggy, but we now return you to the PG version of Xena and the Holy Grail. Thank you very much for your cooperation. This has been a Haze Office Bulletin.]

ARTHUR: What is that, that thing?? How does it, um-- how does it work?

LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.

GABRIELLE: It's her round killing thing!

XENA: Chakrum!

ALL: Bless you.

ARTHUR: [Turning to Gabrielle] Shut up and play with your coconuts! [Realizing the religious implications of this last statement, Arthur chooses to ignore it in the hope the Haze Office did not catch it] Huh.... Right! Do you think it is listed in the Book of Armaments!

BROTHER MAYNARD: [Who has finally arrived after following the chanting monks, is carrying an extremely thick and heavy tome of some sort] I shall check my lord. Armaments, Chapter Six, verses Twelve to Twenty-four.

SECOND BROTHER: [Reading from the book held by the FIRST BROTHER, who until now was know as BROTHER MAYNARD. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused. The programs to the script of the film have been changed, at great expense, to reflect this new information. This has been yet, still another, public service announcement.] And the beautiful Goddess Athena raised the most holy chakrum up on high, saying, O Zeus, bless this thy holy chakrum that with it thou mayest cleave thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And Zeus did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and rangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

XENA: Oh, brother!

GABRIELLE: You said it, sister!

ARTHUR: Quiet!!!!

SECOND BROTHER: And Zeus did spake, saying, 'First shalt thou untie the relic from the belt chinched at thy slim and desirable waist. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then release thou thy Holy Chakrum of Athena towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall be sliced.'



GABRIELLE: Who wrote this long-winded crap?

ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!

GALAHAD: Three, sir!

ARTHUR: Three!

XENA: I have to get me a new agent!

[Xena releases the chakrum and that very expensive singing sound, we previously informed you about, of metal slicing effortlessly though the clear air of ancient Greece... urr Briton... urr, New Zealand rings out clearly. Please sit back, relax and enjoy it for a few moments, perhaps with your favorite cocktail!! The chakrum files though the air to bounce off of several rocks (PLEASE note the extremely pricy visual effect here, of thousands of brightly colored sparks flying across your eyelids from the impact of the chakrum. We hope you enjoy this, as well!) The chakrum proceeds to bounce off of more rocks and several knight's helmets before finally slicing completely through the pretty bunny's neck and severing...]

[SPCA BULLETIN IN COOPERATION WITH PUBLIC SERVICE: We are sorry, but we must interrupt the present presentation due to extreme and gratuitous violence being committed against a poor, defenseless(?) inhabitant of the animal kingdom. Those responsible for the said scene have been sacked and the presentation now continues after the scene where that scrawny, furry little shit's neck is sliced clean through by that wondrous, shining wheel of death sending splatterings of bunny blood over a wide territory along with several bits of rabbit flesh.... Oops sorry. We now return you to your program. Yes, as you may have deduced, this has been yet, another in a series of public service announcements.]

[After slicing the vicious, yet pretty, rabbit in two, the chakrum, mysteriously cleaned of all bunny innards and blood, returns to Xena's hand.]

ARTHUR: Look!!! She's done it. God be praised!! [Arthur and his knights all kneel down in supplication to the deity they think has provided them with salvation from bunny oppression.]

GABRIELLE: Typical... Men get the credit for the results of the sweat and labor of women. How long, sister's, must we endure the sufferings of being second class citizens? How long would society last if men had to endure the pain of childbirth, the torments of monthly bleeding, hmmmm??? We would be as extinct as the dinosaurs, we would!!!

BEDEVERE: Obviously, the girl has not seen Jurassic Park, my liege.

LANCELOT: My king, did he just say your ass is parked???

GABRIELLE: I might as well forget it... The self-proclaimed elite will never understand the toils, trails and tribulations of the working classes let alone the humiliations of womenhood! Until power is derived from a mandate of the people instead of from some right of birth, this narcissistic society will be heading straight for the dung heap. Ohhh yes. Straight to shit, we're heading!

XENA: Hallelujah Sister!!

ARTHUR: Shut up!! Will you all PLEASE shut up!!! Knights... Forward!!

[As the knights remount and ride (ride?) into the mouth of the cave, Xena climbs back onto Argo (well, all right... Gabrielle picks up the "Argo inscribed" coconuts and bangs them together) and she and Gabrielle make there way toward the cave. As they do, they break into joyous song.]

XENA AND GABRIELLE: "We're off on the road to Caerbannog!!" [Sung to that famous tune made famous by Bing and Bob in those famous "Road" pictures. The rights to this famous tune was obtained, at enormous expense to the production company, for your listening pleasure. Please notice the costly reverb and digital echo effects which were added to the voices of Xena and Gabrielle as they regale us with their talents (I wish it were THOSE talents... sigh... however, it is just their famous singing voices).


[We Interrupt this Script to bring you another Public Service Announcement]

We wish to apologize, to all our readers, for the error found to be in existence at the end of scene 555... damn - 333. It referred to the scene, following that particular scene, as scene number 556 when in fact it should have read scene 336 - oh hell, 334. We realize this caused some of you to become hopelessly lost. To the family of these individuals we express our most heartfelt condolences.

For the majority of those who only became seriously disoriented and were afflicted with dangerous bouts of belching and flatulence, caused by this horrific oversight, we are offering full refunds of your purchase price along with a free corrected script sent to you postage due. Just send our own address to our staff (so they will then know where they are located) and we will do our very best to make amends and restitution. Thank you for your attention... This has been one more in a VERY long series of *!!()#$% Public Service Announcements, brought to you by the BBC, MCA/Universal Studios, Yassah Arafat, Princess Diana, vice-president Al Gore, and the Serendipity Singers.


(Damn, we got it right!!! Yeah!!!!!)

[The Setting: After Xena successfully sliced to bits the furry, but offensive bunny, She, Gabrielle, Arthur, his knights and all the mounts rode into the black cave of Caaerbannog! Upon the far wall from the entrance they see the ancient words which will tell them the location of the final resting place of the Holy Grail]

ARTHUR: There! Look!


ARTHUR: On the wall!

ROBIN: Which wall? There is more than one wall here, you know.

ARTHUR: The far wall!!!

LAUNCELOT: What does it say?

GALAHAD: What language is that?

ARTHUR: Brother Maynard! You are a scholar.

[BROTHER MAYNARD presses his nose tight against the mold encrusted rocks to discover the writing is...]


BEDEVERE: Aromatic?

ROBIN: I wondered what that smell was?

XENA: That smell, is you still haven't changed your armor!!

GALAHAD: Of course!

XENA: Thank you.

GALAHAD: Joseph of Arimathea!


ARTHUR: What does it say?

BROTHER MAYNARD: It reads... It reads... [He turns to peer back at the cave entrance] I thought the SECOND BROTHER was going to follow us in.

ARTHUR: Please Brother Maynard, just read the words.

BROTHER MAYNARD: It reads... It reads... I am sorry my King, but I have nooooo idea what it says.

LAUNCELOT: That... uh, doesn't sound quite like a clue, sir.

ARTHUR: Are you sure, that's what it says.

XENA: {Turning to Gabrielle] Is everyone in this time and place really this stupid?

BROTHER MAYNARD: No, my sovereign! I cannot read the words on the wall because... I cannot read.

ARTHUR: You... You... You can't read!!!???

BROTHER MAYNARD: No, sir. Not a word.

ROBIN: Here, get off! How did you read from the Book of Armaments then???

BEDEVERE: Ahhhhh... But, he didn't Sir Robin. That is why he was so anxious to have the SECOND BROTHER here. *He* is the one who read from the book.

GALAHAD: Ohhhh, he's right!!!!

XENA: The only thing I am anxious to do is to cut some throats!

ROBIN: But, how does he know its aromatic then???

BROTHER MAYNARD: Well, I am good with shapes!!

ARTHUR: This is great!!! Now what do we do!

GABRIELLE: Excuse me, but for some reason I don't quite understand, I think I can read it.

BEDEVERE: How do you *know* you can read the words?

GABRIELLE: Because... Because it says so in the script.

ALL: Ohhhhh!

ARTHUR: Right! [Arthur scans the party for movement.] Off you go, girl and be quick. We are in haste!!

LANCELOT: I thought we were in Briton, and by the way, sir. Isn't it spelled Britain?

BEDEVERE: Not in the old English, Lancelot.

ROBIN: What, this script can't even afford *new* English?


ARTHUR: [Turning back to Gabrielle] If you please, good maiden.

[Arthur points to the writing on the wall as Gabrielle makes her way forward]

GABRIELLE: [Clearing her throat and touching the fading characters on the ancient rock wall] It... uh, says 'Here may be found the last words of Hercules of Samos. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail behind the furthest wall of the deepest dungeon deep within the dungeons of the Castle of aauuggggggh'.


ROBIN: Who's Hercules??

LANCELOT: Where's Samos??


ARTHUR: [Turning to BROTHER MAYNARD] I thought you said it was Aramaic??

TIM: I told you. I told you it was Aromatic, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's written in Aramaic, isn't it. Well, it's always the same. I always tell them...


GALAHAD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.

LANCELOT: What is that?

BEDEVERE: It's a sound you make by exhaling through the vocal cords while positioning the tongue in juxtaposition with a slowly closing mouth.

ARTHUR: Please!!!

ROBIN: He must have died while carving it.

XENA: Like the script writer dying before he wrote this crap!

LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on! Aaauuuuggggg????

GABRIELLE: Well, that's what it says.

ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!

GABRIELLE: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!

GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?

GABRIELLE: No. Just, 'aauuggggggh'.

LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.

ARTHUR: Aaauggh.

XENA: Ohhhhhhh!!!!

ALL: No, Aaauuugggg!

BEDEVERE: Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?

GALAHAD: Where's that?

BEDEVERE: France, I think.

LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?

ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.

KNIGHTS: Iiiiives.


[PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: (What? Did you think we were gone for good?) The production company has received an overwhelming number of letters, phone calls, e-mail messages, voice mail messages, telegrams, mammograms, and yak calls all complaining about this scene. The majority of you feel the scene has become boring and would like some typical swords and sorcery action. In order to accommodate your taste we have sacked the individuals who wrote the previous and are now proud to bring you this revised conclusion to the scene. We hope you enjoy it. This has been yet, one more in another series of many public service announcements.]

BEDEVERE: Oooohoohohooo!

LAUNCELOT: No, no. 'Aauuuuugh', at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.

BEDEVERE: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.

LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!

BEDEVERE: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!



ROBIN: My bowels!!!

XENA: Great Goddess!!!!

GABRIELLE: Ohhhh shit!!!!!

[A dramatic chord fills the cave chamber very loudly as we are then terrified by the tremendous, thunderous, and extremely expensive, roar of a horrible beast!!]

BROTHER MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!!!

[Before the illiterate BROTHER MAYNARD can finish his scream, the Black Beast of Aaauugh eats him.]

BEDEVERE: That's it! That's it!

GABRIELLE: Run away!! Run away!!

ARTHUR: You stealing my lines again, you tart? Run away! Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away!

[A loud roar is heard as we suddenly see a very hideous, multieyed, bulbous creature of tremendous bulk billowing his way through the cave darkness, although not so dark that you cannot make out the creature expertly and artistically rendered on life like cardboard!]

ALL: Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!

[Another roar is heard as our party of brave souls runs from rock to rock in order to find some form of shelter]

ARTHUR: Keep running!

XENA: How long can they keep running with this script!

[A thunderous boom is heard as the creature leaps into another chamber and once again roars!]

ALL: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...

BEDEVERE: I think we've lost him.

[Suddenly another very expensive roar as the creature leaps right at our brave band!]


ARTHUR: Run away again!!!

[To save time, expense, paper and computer resources, we have abbreviated the next few minutes of the script for you. They continue this game of hide and seek until finally the party finds a large niche to hide in. The beast enters an adjoining chamber giving the group the chance to breath.]

ALL: [Heavy breathing sounds}

BEDEVERE: I think we are safe for a moment.

XENA: [Using her very sharp, almost superhuman hearing] Shhhh! What's that?

UNKNOWN SOUND: Le pant, Le pant, Le wooooosh, Le pant...

GABRIELLE: It sounds like heavy breathing... but with an accent.

LANCELOT: What accent is that?

BREATHING WITH UNKNOWN ACCENT: Le woooosh, Le whooosh, Le pant...

BEDEVERE: It sounds like French breathing, my liege.

ARTHUR: French breathing?

GABRIELLE: I would rather it be french kissing.

XENA: Later, Gabrielle!

ARTHUR: But, who amongst us breathes in French?

OUT OF BREATH FRENCH SOLDIER: Nooone of yooou, yooou lickers of-a snaaail bottoooms-a.

ARTHUR: Not *you* again!

XENA: So far, this is the only person here I like!

ROBIN: You would!

XENA: Watch it, Sir self-soiler!

FRENCH SOLDIER: Yeeees, it is-a I you so call-ed English Kniiiing and all 'is knnnniggetts. Yooou who-a suck oil frrroom dead pigs noses-a! I faarrt at-a yooou again yooou ugly bags-a of yak bean fodder!! [The FRENCH SOLDIER then proceeds to use some sort of sign language involving a razzing sound of the tongue while placing his hands on either side of his head. This action reminds one of the infamous moose's antlers]

GALAHAD: What is that Frenchy doing here??

LANCELOT: They rewrote the script Galahad, don't you remember?

ROBIN: But... But, this was supposed to be where the animator has a heart attack so we could get out of here!!!!

ALL: He's right!!!

BEDEVERE: *Now* what do we do??

ARTHUR: [To the ANIMATOR} Now see here, my good man, you are supposed to keel over and die in order for us to escape and complete our quest.

ANIMATOR: [Speaking with a very loud voice similar to the beasts. Hmmmmmm.] I am sorry, but when they rewrote the script they replaced the sickly animator, as well. I am afraid you are out of luck.

[Dramatic chord sounds out from the darkness to provide intense emphasis to the horror unfolding.]

BEDEVERE: Oh no, what *are* we going to do.

GALAHAD: We're done for!

LANCELOT: I could make my feint to the left again sir, and while I do that, you could all...

GALAHAD: Like I said... We're done for!!!

ROBIN: I soiled my armor again!!!

GABRIELLE: That doesn't surprise me since you're full of shit!

ARTHUR: Is all lost??? Is this the end of my reign and my quest??

XENA: Just shut up and wait here.

FRENCH SOLDIER: Juuust as-a I thought-a. The only man amongst-a yooou Eng-a-lish types-a is a woman!!!

GABRIELLE: You said it!!!

XENA: I said, wait here!!!! And keep silent!!!!!! Got it???

ALL EXCEPT THE FRENCH SOLDIER: [Hushingly quiet] got it...

FRENCH SOLIDER: Yoooou got it-a yoooou hot-sy tot-sy lea-thier lady yoooou! [The solider begins to repeatedly use the helmet on his head as some sort of bongo.]

[As our heroes(?) cower behind the safety of the tall rocks covering the niche, Xena bravely steps out into the darkness of the empty cave.]

XENA: You there, ANIMATOR. Let's talk!

ANIMATOR: Who are you??? I don't remember seeing anything about a gorgeous warrior in the script they gave me!!

XENA: That's what you get for missing cast meetings!! So uh, How ya doing handsome?

ANIMATOR: I am feeling great [He says in reply as his fingers deftly draws a new image of the hideous beast coming closer to finding and devou the entire quest party! WARNING: An act of gratuitous violence may occur shortly. If you are under the age of 18, we strongly recommend you leave the room.]

XENA: I see you enjoy drawing.

ANIMATOR: [Brushes, pens, pencils, charcoals... all wildly dancing in the artist's hands as he rushes to complete his work.] It is my passion!

[The animator continues to draw sequence after sequence depicting the beast approaching the party and ready to chow down.]

BEDEVERE: It's getting closer, my liege.

ARTHUR: I can hear that myself, you twit!

FRENCH SOLIDER: Ha ha ha ha!!! Youuuur end-a is showing-a yooooou ugly donkey fart sniffing eng-a-lish knnnniiing. Yooou and-a yoooour belch-a baby knnnigggets are soon to die-a!

LANCELOT: God, that is an atrocious accent!

ARTHUR: Listen you stupid French Bastard, you are going to die with us!!!

[The sounds of booming's and roars indicates the beast is getting very near! FINAL WARNING - Gratuitous act of violence may possibly occur. If you are under the age of 18 or over the age of 65 you may wish to leave the room.]

FRENCH SOLDIER: Perhaps-a, butt after yooooou are-a gone, I can-a be re-a-written into the script-a as the new knnnniing-g!!!!

ARTHUR: But how? How?? How could that be possible???

FRENCH SOLDIER: Because-a yoooou pond scum-a drinking frog's leg biter, My brother is-a one of the script-a wri-ters-a!!

[Overly dramatic chord, louder than any of the previous chords performed by the infamous Yeltsin orchestra joined by the Kingston Trio.]

ALL: NO!!!!!!!

[The ugly beast had made his ugly way to stand right before our brave knights, Arthur, Gabrielle and all the poor coconuts, uh... horses]

[By the magic of film, we now switch you back to the Xena scene.]

XENA: Well if enjoy drawing so much, draw this!!!

[As the last syllable of the word "this" rings clearly over the tones of the beast's roar, Xena whips her tight, leather armor over her head and displays for the eyes of the ANIMATOR, and those lucky son's of bitches viewing this script, her glorious naked form. His eyes, scan downward from her bluer than blue eyes to her regal nose, her pliant lips, her soft, yet firm neck, her strong yet sexy shoulders, down, down to her...]

[HAZE OFFICE BULLETIN: We regret once again to interrupt this broadcast of Xena and the Holy Grail, but due to the last minute rewrites we were not able to review this scene as rewritten until we just read it. Instead of another very graphic and sexually charged description of Xena's soft, supple breasts heaving in time with her breathing, her hard nipples pointing out into the darkness to leads us along the path of ecstasy down her sensual body to her perfectly rippled abs, her gorgeous cupped navel, her perfectly combed and trimmed... excuse me, sorry about that. Instead we will once again bring you Reggy the Dancing.... It's over already???? We do apologize, back to the program already in progress. Thank you, this has been another Haze Office Bulletin.]

[At the sight of Xena's incredible body the ANIMATOR's face takes on a strange look of desire curiously mixed with pain. Suddenly his hands snatch up to his chest and he moans a loud "AAAUUUUUGGGG" before dropping back and dying of a massive coronary, a smile still playing upon his now lifeless lips.]

ARTHUR: God be praised!!! She's done it again!!!!!

LANCELOT: Well, at least we now know what the "aauuurrrgg" stands for, don't we sir?

ARTHUR: Right!! Quite right Lancelot!!!

FRENCH SOLDIER: I will-a see yooooou again yooooou pig dogs-a!! [he speaks as he mysteriously disappears into the cave darkness.]

GABRIELLE: Don't you think we should check on Xena?

ARTHUR: The girl shames us all. Let us go and thank our wondrous warrior from God.

GABRIELLE: That's Greece.

ARTHUR: Right!! Knights... Un-Hide!!

[The knights emerge from the niche to find the once-again fully clothed(?) warrior princess. They all kneel down in supplication to their savior and cheer their praise for her.]

ALL: Yea!

XENA: Get up!!! We have no time for this! I want to reach the end of the script so I can get out of here and back to killing people in my own century!

BEDEVERE: She is right. Now that our cartoon peril is no more I think we should continue our quest for the Holy Grail, should we not, my liege?

ARTHUR: Yes, brave sir knight. It is time to find the grail! Forward!!!

ROBIN: For what??

GABRIELLE: For pity's sake!!!

XENA: I really have to find a new agent.

[And so they leave the darkness of the cave for the equally dark and smog filled air of the French... ur, English (Will somebody please tell me where the hell this is anyway???) countryside where they now know they need to find the dungeons of the castle of Arugh!]


To be continued...?

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