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Xena's Angels

by Lizzy/Tendre

The Angels [Sabrina (Kate Jackson), Kelly (Jaclyn Smith) and Jill (Farrah Fawcett)] gather in Bosley's office for their new assignment
There has been a threat against the Greek ambassador's life and Charlie wants to insure his safety

Charlie: (From the speaker box) I want you to meet the Greek Ambassador's security team...

Bosley leads Xena, Gabrielle and Salmoneus in the room

Charlie: This is Xena, the warrior princess and her special agents Gabrielle and Salmoneus

Jill: Wait a minute, I'M the one that's supposed to dress up in the bosom-busting costumes!

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) Don't worry, you'll get your turn

Charlie: Xena is the weapons expert, and Gabrielle has the verbal skills...

Gab: (Proudly) I scored a 750!

Kelly: And what is your expertise Salmoneus?

Sal: Oh, I'm behind the ambassador's new advertising campaign..."Got Moussaka?"

Sabrina: So, what's the plan Charlie?

Charlie: They'll take turns staking out the ambassador with you...

Gab: (Aside to Xena) Xena, they're talking to a box

Xena: I know

Gab: And the box is talking back

Xena: I know

Gab: I'm perplexed

Xena: About the box?

Gab: No, why they wear their hair like that

Xena: Be nice, they could say the same about us

Charlie: Now that you know the plan, good luck angels

Gab: How cute!

Xena: (Growling) I'm NOBODY'S angel!

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) What a shock

Xena and the others leave
Bosley and Salmoneus stay behind

Sal: Hey Bosley

Bos: Yeah Salmoneus?

Sal: With all of these beautiful, powerful women you ever feel, you know, whipped?

Bos: All the time

Sal: Fun isn't it?

Bos: You bet your stuffed grape leaves!

Bosley shows Salmoneus a peephole to the Angels' shower

Bos: (Evil grin) It's 90' outside, let's hope they do plenty of running

Sal: I just hope Xena and Gabrielle don't come across any lakes first

Later in the day
Sabrina, Gabrielle and Argo stake out the hotel dining room from a park bench across the street
An ice-cream truck drives by

Gab: (Smacking her lips) It sure is hot out today

Sab: (Not picking up on the hint) Sure is

Gab: I'd really love a "Juicy-Stick"

Sab: Stand in line

Gab: But I don't have any money

Sab: You're a pretty girl, you shouldn't have to pay

Gab: (Bewildered) Whatever - Hey Sab, do you ever feel...

Sab: Not so fresh?

Gab: Actually, I was going to say "like a third wheel"

Sab: Literally - the other two may be more beautiful but I have the brains!

Gab: But you're never appreciated for them

Sab: Are you trying to depress me Gab?

Gab: Oh no, I'm just trying to relate...see, I bring alot to the relationship with Xena but my efforts often go unnoticed

Sab: Like what?

Gab: Like I've saved her leather-clad rear on more than one occasion, I provide levity when things get too serious, I'm Xena's moral compass AND I throw down the rockin' jams on my panflute

Sab: Wow, I just drive around in my Pinto looking concerned

Gab: Yet everyone still thinks I'm Xena's toadie

A man in the park whistles for his dog

Gab: (Gets up and looks around) That's funny, I thought I heard Xena calling me - Anyway, another thing Xena lacks that I have...PEOPLE SKILLS

Sab: People skills?

Gab: Yeah, you can only scream and throw a sword around so many times before people start to think you're mean...I know how to smooth things over with them

A mother and her two young children stop to pat Argo


Xena and Kelly are guarding the ambassador at the press luncheon
Jill is disguised as a cocktail waitress

Jill: (Coming over to Xena and Kelly) So far, everything looks secure

Xena: (Looking at Jill) I'd like a large screw

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) Who wouldn't?

Jill: Don't you mean "screwdriver?"

Xena: Whatever...and bring me a glass of wine

The ambassador gets up to speak

Kelly: (Eying the ambassador) He sure is cute

Xena: I suppose

Kelly: Don't you fall in love with the men you encounter on your adventures?

Xena: Occasionally but usually we just beat them up or kill them

Kelly: Brutal

Xena: Thanks

Xena senses something wrong
She eyes the audience

Xena: (Jumping on the ambassador) Get down!

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) Talk about making the first move

Xena catches a flaming shish-kabob aimed at the ambassador's heart

Kelly: So much for dessert

Kris (Cheryl Ladd) comes over as a cocktail waitress

Kris: I saw him run into the park across the street

Xena: Wait a minute, what happened to Jill?

Kris: I'm her sister, everything's fine

Xena: (Confused) Right...

Sabrina and Gabrielle watch a guy in a black ski mask run by them

Gab: It's way too hot to be wearing that

Sab: (Seeing the commotion across the street at the hotel) That guy made an attempt on the ambassador!

Gab: Now don't go jumping to any conclusions, maybe he just has bad acne

Sab: (Getting on Argo) YAH

Gab: Argo won't let anyone but Xena ride her

Sabrina and Argo take off into the woods

Gab: I don't believe this!

Xena, Kelly and Kris come over

Xena: We'll break off and check all ends of the park - Gabrielle and Kris, you head south and east, Kelly and I'll go north and west

Gab: I'm really tired of you ordering me to head south Xena

Xena: Not now Gabrielle

Gab: Hey, what happened to Jill?

Kris: I'm her sister, it's OK

Gab: (Confused) Right...

Kelly: Who's watching the ambassador?

Xena: I have Bosley and Salmoneus all over him

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) What a thrill for them

Kris and Gabrielle run off

Gab: (Hearing funky music) What's that noise?

Kris: Oh that's just Disco, it plays whenever we run

Gab: And I thought the Bulgarian War Chants were bad...

After searching for hours to no avail, everyone meets back at the park bench Tiffany (Shelley Hack) rides up on Argo

Tiffany: I chased the guy but I lost him in the hills

Gab: What happened to Sabrina?

Tiffany: I'm her friend, it's OK

Gab: (More confused) Right...

Julie (Tanya Roberts) comes running over

Julie: Any luck?

Gab: (Most confused) What happened to Kris?

Julie: Who's Kris?

Gab: (Running off) That's it!

Xena: We need to get back and cover all the angles with the ambassador

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) I'm sure he'll provide the protractor

Back at Bosley's office, the angels discuss the situation with Charlie

Charlie: (From the box) I have the ambassador in a safe house, do any of you have a lead?

Julie: Just the flaming shish-kabob

Xena: I might know an expert who could help us out

Charlie: Get on it Xena!

Kelly: (Rolling her eyes) That's pretty hard to do with a box

Xena: Where's Gabrielle?

Tiffany: I think she's still at the park

Xena heads back to the park and finds Gabrielle crying under a tree

Xena: Hey, what's wrong?

Gab: (Semi-hysterical) Xena, I'm scared - there are too many weird things going on here...talking boxes are one thing but these girls keep disappearing only to be replaced by others and NO ONE seems to care!

Xena: (Hugging Gab) I know...

Gab: And this Kelly - she keeps rolling her eyes - I know it's not polite to make fun of people with problems but WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

Xena: (Stroking Gab's hair) It'll be OK...

Gab: (Looking at Xena) Promise you won't replace me

Xena: I promise

Callisto walks over

Cal: You wanted to see me Xena?

Gab: (Slapping Xena) LIAR

Gabrielle runs off

Xena: I need your advice Callisto

Cal: Why should I help you?

Xena: I'll let you play with my chackrum

Cal: Tempting...but not enough

Xena: You can play with my chackrum AND my breast dagger

Cal: Still in it's holder?

Xena: Yeah, fine

Cal: Deal!

Xena: (Handing her the shish-kabob) Does this look familiar to you?

Cal: Hey, I may be a psycho but I'd never use food as a weapon

Xena: Do you know who would?

Cal: I might, let me do some checking

Awhile later
Callisto returns with the culprit

Xena: How do you know this is the guy?

Callisto: He's part of my legion, I noticed a few shish-kabobs missing from the food supply

Xena: Why does he want to kill the ambassador?

Callisto: He's upset that the ambassador went with "Got Moussaka?" instead of "Got Shish-Kabobs?"

Xena: Thanks Callisto

Callisto: (Smirking) You're gonna be thanking me later tonight

Xena returns to Bosley's office and hands over the "shish-assassin" to the police

Charlie: (Box voice) Good job everyone, the ambassador is most grateful!

Kelly: (Walking in and slipping her panties into her purse) You could say that again

Everyone rolls their eyes simultaneously

Bosley: (Nudging Salmoneus) I know you girls did alot of running today...

Salmoneus: Yeah,, maybe you all should take a shower!

Gab: Oh no, that's it - we're leaving! - right Xena?

Xena: (Getting up and walking out the door) Yep

Gab: (Following her) Well, I'm glad that's over - talk about scary!

Callisto with whip in hand beckons Xena

Xena: Now THIS is scary

Callisto: Forget the chackrum and breast dagger, I found a new toy for us to play with

Xena: (To Gabrielle) You run along with Argo, I'll catch up later

Gab: What are you doing Xena?

Callisto: You're looking at her!

Xena: I need to put my touch on Callisto

Gab: Why, what information does she hold?

Xena: Not that touch

Xena and Callisto walk off
Sabrina pulls up in her Pinto

Sab: (Out the window to Gab) C'mon honey, let's go get some ice-cream!

Gab: (Jumping in the car) YES


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