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Here's the story
of a warrior princess
who was looking for redemption of her soul
Her best friend has hair of gold
as her horse does
They liked to roam the world
It's the story
of the Brady family
who were busy with plotlines of their own
They're a mixed group living all together
yet they were all alone
'Til the one day when this princess met these people
and they knew that it was much more than a hunch
that this spoof must somehow form a family
That's the way they all became the Xena Bunch
The Xena Bunch
The Xena Bunch
That's the way they became the Xena Bunch...
Carol Brady, Jan and Greg are in the kitchen
Alice the maid is making dinner
Carol: (Looking at her watch) Well, Mike and Marcia should be back with our guests any minute
Greg: I can't believe Marcia's pen pals from Greece are coming all the way over here for a visit
Carol: It was very neighborly of Marcia to invite them for the week
Jan: Hey Mom, how come my pen pal from Cuba can't come?
Carol: I'm sorry Jan, but you'll have to tell Fidel another time
Alice: Dinner should be ready in a jiffy, Mrs. B
Carol: Thank you Alice, it's smells wonderful!
Alice: It's "Meatloaf Ambrosia," food of the gods...at least the gods of THIS house
Everyone laughs but Jan
Carol: Oh Alice, you're so clever
Alice: (Holding up a butcher's knife) I think you mean "cleaver!"
Jan: I need to lie down now
Greg: (Winking) I'll lie down with you Jan
Carol: Both of you can lie down later, I just heard your father's car
Mike, Marcia, Xena and Gabrielle walk in the door
Mike: Honey, kids, we're here!
Carol, Alice, Greg and Jan come in from the kitchen
Peter, Bobby and Cindy run down the stairs
Marcia: Everyone, I want you to meet my friend Xena the warrior princess...isn't she dreamy?
Greg: Far out!
Everyone goes over to Xena
Gab: (Clearing her throat) Hi, I'm Gabrielle
Marcia: Oh yeah, and this is Xena's friend
No one pays attention
Cindy: Thena, you're tho tall!
Peter: Are you really a warrior, Xena?
Bobby: Yeah, tell us some stories!
Xena: Actually, my friend Gabrielle is the bard here, she can tell you how we saved Prometheus
Gab: Well, it all started when...
Alice: Chow time everyone!
Carol: C'mon kids
Mike: Make sure you've all washed your hands
Xena: (Perplexed) Wash your hands?
Everyone gathers at the table
Gabrielle starts to sit next to Xena when Peter pushes her out of the way
Peter: I'm sitting next to Xena!
Bobby: No, I'M sitting next to Xena!
Cindy: I wanna thit next to Thena!
Gab: (To Cindy) Hey, I'M Xena's cute little blonde, got it Thindy?
Carol: Now children, that's no way to behave in front of guests - do you want them to think we're barbarians?
Peter: Sorry Xena
Bobby: Sorry Xena
Cindy: Thorry Thena
Marcia: Xena is MY guest, I should sit next to her
Greg: But I'M the oldest, I should sit next to her
Mike: (Firmly) Hold on, since I'm the head of this household, I will be the one who sits next to Xena
Everyone sits down except Jan and Gabrielle
Gab: No one wants to sit next to me
Jan: Join the club
After dinner, everyone is seated in the living room
All eyes are one Xena and Marcia as they demonstrate a new cheerleading/defense skill
Jan: (Disgusted) I have to go call my boyfriend
Marcia: You don't have a boyfriend
Jan: Do so!
Carol: What's his name honey?
Jan: (Looking at Xena's chackrum) His name is...Chuck...Chuck Rum
Mike: And where did you meet this Mr. Rum?
Jan: (Searching) Uh, we were just kind of thrown together...
Carol: Well bring him over sometime, we'd love to meet him
Jan: (Under her breath) Yeah, me too
Gab: Hey Jan, I'll come with you - I need to make a call too!
Xena: Who are YOU going to call?
Gab: I do have other people in my life besides you Xena
Xena: Tell Lilla "Hi" for me
Gabrielle and Jan storm into the back room
Jan: MARCIA, MARCIA, MARCIA - IT'S ALWAYS MARCIA
Gab: XENA, XENA, XENA - IT'S ALWAYS XENA
Jan: Gabrielle, we need to come up with a plan
Gab: Should I get a ruler?
Jan: No, just listen...we'll KILL Marcia and Xena!
Gab: Be careful Jan, Xena can do tricks with her fingers
Jan: (Smirking) I could say the same about Greg
Gab: How are we going to kill them?
Jan: I have many skills!
Gab: PLEASE, not you too
Jan: I overheard the boys planning some stupid UFO trick tonight - we'll kill them while everyone is distracted and blame it on the aliens
Gab: YES, blame it on the aliens - You're a genius Jan!
Jan: And a future Republican governor
Gab: With Xena gone I can get my OWN show!
Jan: Groovy idea, what will you call it?
Gab: "Gabrielle: Bard Contessa"
Jan: Ooooh, I LIKE it!
Gab: Yeah, I've opted for "contessa" over "countess" because it adds an exotic touch AND it will help with the overseas marketing
Jan: You're so bright Gabrielle
Gab: Don't forget pretty and witty
Later that night, the boys prepare for the "UFO" show by using a flashlight
and a whistle
Jan and Gabrielle are hiding in the bushes
Jan: Now remember Gabrielle, when the "UFO" appears, everyone will be looking at the sky
Gab: Then what do we do?
Jan: (Taking out some shredded polyester bell bottoms) We'll sneak up behind Xena and Marcia and strangle them!
The boys begin their antics
Everyone gathers in the backyard amazed
Mike: (Looking at the "UFO") Well, whaddya know?
Carol: We just finished dinner, I hope the aliens aren't hungry
Alice: I hope we're not the dinner
Cindy: (Cradling her doll) Don't worry baby, I'll shave you
Marcia: Xena, I'm scared
Xena: (Looking at the attic window) And I'm unimpressed
Jan and Gabrielle start to sneak up on Marcia and Xena
Jan trips over a Slinky and falls to the ground
Jan: (Fumbling in the darkness) MY GLASSES, I'VE LOST MY GLASSES
Gab: (Paying more attention to the "UFO") HURRY, LET'S DO IT
Jan and Gabrielle strangle two figures in front of them
Xena: (Jumping into the air and ripping the boys' screen) YiYiYiYiYiYiYEEEEEE
Greg: (Looking out the attic window) Aw nuts!
Peter: Let's get outta here before Dad sees us
Bobby: This was all you guys idea!
Xena: (To Marcia) It seems your brothers were pulling a prank
Marcia: It's nice to know they're pulling something else for a change
Cindy: They're gonna be in tho much sit!
Carol: (Turning on the patio light) OK, fun's over...EEEEEEEEKK
The boys come down and everyone looks at the strangled bodies of Mike and Alice
Greg: (Looking at Peter) YOU DID IT
Peter: (Looking at Bobby) YOU DID IT
Bobby: (Looking at Cindy) YOU DID IT
Cindy: THUCK YOU
Jan: The aliens did it!
Gab: Yeah, the aliens did it!
Xena: (Suspicious) Right
Carol: Now kids, I know that Alice's and Dad's death is sad but we have a singing competition at the end of the week - time for bed!
A few days later
Xena, Gabrielle and the Bradys practice in the garage
Jan: (Jealous of Xena taking over her duet with Marcia) I can't believe Xena has a beautiful voice too
Gab: (Scoffing) Believe it - it never ends with her
Jan: Don't worry Gabrielle, it'll all end soon enough for Xena AND Marcia
Gab: (Taking the hint) I think I'll go for a walk outside now
Jan: (Stepping into the yard) The summer sun's calling your name
Gab: I hear you now!
Jan and Gabrielle discuss "Plan B" on their walk
It's the day of the singing competition
Gabrielle and Jan mysteriously develop laryngitis but attend the show anyway for "moral support"
The "Brady Six Plus Two Minus One Plus One" follow The Partridge Family
Xena, Marcia, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Cindy and Carol take the stage dressed in rainbow-colored outfits
Jan and Gabrielle watch in the wings
Gab: (Snickering) It's Xena...FRINGE PRINCESS - If only Ares could see her now!
Jan: Would you please keep your mind on the plan?
The lights go down and the music starts up
Xena and the Bradys sing and dance
"Flyin' down the highway in a make-shift model TA
WHOOOO YEAH WHOOOO
It's a beautiful morning and it's gonna be a beautiful dayAAAAAYYYYYYY
The wheels are hummin' - the guitar's strummin'
and our radio is blastin' and good times are comin'
as we're flyin' down the highway in our make-shift model TA
We're gonna keep on keep on keep on keep on dancin' all through the night
we're gonna keep on keep on keep on doin' it riiiiiiiiight"
Jan: (To Gabrielle) GET READY...
"We're gonna keep on keep on keep on movin'
gonna keep on keep on keep on groovin'
keep on singin' and dancin' all through the night
Gabrielle throws a switch, electrocuting all on stage
Everyone is dead except Xena and Marcia who now have Afros
Marcia: OH MY HAIR
Xena: Calm down Marcia, it's a very happenin' look
Jan and Gabrielle run over
Jan: The aliens did it!
Gab: Yeah, the aliens did it!
Xena: How come you two always seem to escape?
Marcia: C'mon Xena, it's Jan and Gabrielle...why would aliens or ANYONE for that matter bother with them?
Xena: Yeah, you're right
Marcia: Let's go, maybe we can get a ride on the Partridge family's bus
Back at the house, Gabrielle and Jan are left alone
Gab: (Sulking on the sofa) What, no plan "C" Ms. Smarty Pants?
Gab: Well, at least things couldn't get any worse...
The doorbell rings
Jan: (Answering the door) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Gab: WHO IS IT JAN?
Jan: COUSIN OLIVER