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The Xena Bunch

by Lizzy/Tendre

Here's the story
of a warrior princess
who was looking for redemption of her soul
Her best friend has hair of gold
as her horse does
They liked to roam the world

It's the story
of the Brady family
who were busy with plotlines of their own
They're a mixed group living all together
yet they were all alone

'Til the one day when this princess met these people
and they knew that it was much more than a hunch
that this spoof must somehow form a family
That's the way they all became the Xena Bunch
The Xena Bunch
The Xena Bunch
That's the way they became the Xena Bunch...

Carol Brady, Jan and Greg are in the kitchen
Alice the maid is making dinner

Carol: (Looking at her watch) Well, Mike and Marcia should be back with our guests any minute

Greg: I can't believe Marcia's pen pals from Greece are coming all the way over here for a visit

Carol: It was very neighborly of Marcia to invite them for the week

Jan: Hey Mom, how come my pen pal from Cuba can't come?

Carol: I'm sorry Jan, but you'll have to tell Fidel another time

Alice: Dinner should be ready in a jiffy, Mrs. B

Carol: Thank you Alice, it's smells wonderful!

Alice: It's "Meatloaf Ambrosia," food of the least the gods of THIS house

Everyone laughs but Jan

Carol: Oh Alice, you're so clever

Alice: (Holding up a butcher's knife) I think you mean "cleaver!"

Jan: I need to lie down now

Greg: (Winking) I'll lie down with you Jan

Carol: Both of you can lie down later, I just heard your father's car

Mike, Marcia, Xena and Gabrielle walk in the door

Mike: Honey, kids, we're here!

Carol, Alice, Greg and Jan come in from the kitchen
Peter, Bobby and Cindy run down the stairs

Marcia: Everyone, I want you to meet my friend Xena the warrior princess...isn't she dreamy?

Greg: Far out!

Everyone goes over to Xena

Gab: (Clearing her throat) Hi, I'm Gabrielle

Marcia: Oh yeah, and this is Xena's friend

No one pays attention

Cindy: Thena, you're tho tall!

Peter: Are you really a warrior, Xena?

Bobby: Yeah, tell us some stories!

Xena: Actually, my friend Gabrielle is the bard here, she can tell you how we saved Prometheus

Gab: Well, it all started when...

Alice: Chow time everyone!

Carol: C'mon kids

Mike: Make sure you've all washed your hands

Xena: (Perplexed) Wash your hands?

Everyone gathers at the table
Gabrielle starts to sit next to Xena when Peter pushes her out of the way

Peter: I'm sitting next to Xena!

Bobby: No, I'M sitting next to Xena!

Cindy: I wanna thit next to Thena!

Gab: (To Cindy) Hey, I'M Xena's cute little blonde, got it Thindy?

Carol: Now children, that's no way to behave in front of guests - do you want them to think we're barbarians?

Peter: Sorry Xena

Bobby: Sorry Xena

Cindy: Thorry Thena

Marcia: Xena is MY guest, I should sit next to her

Greg: But I'M the oldest, I should sit next to her

Mike: (Firmly) Hold on, since I'm the head of this household, I will be the one who sits next to Xena

Everyone sits down except Jan and Gabrielle

Gab: No one wants to sit next to me

Jan: Join the club

After dinner, everyone is seated in the living room
All eyes are one Xena and Marcia as they demonstrate a new cheerleading/defense skill


Jan: (Disgusted) I have to go call my boyfriend

Marcia: You don't have a boyfriend

Jan: Do so!

Carol: What's his name honey?

Jan: (Looking at Xena's chackrum) His name is...Chuck...Chuck Rum

Mike: And where did you meet this Mr. Rum?

Jan: (Searching) Uh, we were just kind of thrown together...

Carol: Well bring him over sometime, we'd love to meet him

Jan: (Under her breath) Yeah, me too

Gab: Hey Jan, I'll come with you - I need to make a call too!

Xena: Who are YOU going to call?

Gab: I do have other people in my life besides you Xena

Xena: Tell Lilla "Hi" for me

Gabrielle and Jan storm into the back room



Jan: Gabrielle, we need to come up with a plan

Gab: Should I get a ruler?

Jan: No, just listen...we'll KILL Marcia and Xena!

Gab: Be careful Jan, Xena can do tricks with her fingers

Jan: (Smirking) I could say the same about Greg

Gab: How are we going to kill them?

Jan: I have many skills!

Gab: PLEASE, not you too

Jan: I overheard the boys planning some stupid UFO trick tonight - we'll kill them while everyone is distracted and blame it on the aliens

Gab: YES, blame it on the aliens - You're a genius Jan!

Jan: And a future Republican governor

Gab: With Xena gone I can get my OWN show!

Jan: Groovy idea, what will you call it?

Gab: "Gabrielle: Bard Contessa"

Jan: Ooooh, I LIKE it!

Gab: Yeah, I've opted for "contessa" over "countess" because it adds an exotic touch AND it will help with the overseas marketing

Jan: You're so bright Gabrielle

Gab: Don't forget pretty and witty

Later that night, the boys prepare for the "UFO" show by using a flashlight and a whistle
Jan and Gabrielle are hiding in the bushes

Jan: Now remember Gabrielle, when the "UFO" appears, everyone will be looking at the sky

Gab: Then what do we do?

Jan: (Taking out some shredded polyester bell bottoms) We'll sneak up behind Xena and Marcia and strangle them!


Jan: What?

Gab: Nevermind

The boys begin their antics
Everyone gathers in the backyard amazed

Mike: (Looking at the "UFO") Well, whaddya know?

Carol: We just finished dinner, I hope the aliens aren't hungry

Alice: I hope we're not the dinner

Cindy: (Cradling her doll) Don't worry baby, I'll shave you

Marcia: Xena, I'm scared

Xena: (Looking at the attic window) And I'm unimpressed

Jan and Gabrielle start to sneak up on Marcia and Xena
Jan trips over a Slinky and falls to the ground

Jan: (Fumbling in the darkness) MY GLASSES, I'VE LOST MY GLASSES

Gab: (Paying more attention to the "UFO") HURRY, LET'S DO IT

Jan and Gabrielle strangle two figures in front of them

Xena: (Jumping into the air and ripping the boys' screen) YiYiYiYiYiYiYEEEEEE

Greg: (Looking out the attic window) Aw nuts!

Peter: Let's get outta here before Dad sees us

Bobby: This was all you guys idea!

Xena: (To Marcia) It seems your brothers were pulling a prank

Marcia: It's nice to know they're pulling something else for a change

Cindy: They're gonna be in tho much sit!

Carol: Cindy!

Cindy: Thorry

Carol: (Turning on the patio light) OK, fun's over...EEEEEEEEKK

The boys come down and everyone looks at the strangled bodies of Mike and Alice

Greg: (Looking at Peter) YOU DID IT

Peter: (Looking at Bobby) YOU DID IT

Bobby: (Looking at Cindy) YOU DID IT


Carol: Cindy!

Cindy: Thorry

Jan: The aliens did it!

Gab: Yeah, the aliens did it!

Xena: (Suspicious) Right

Carol: Now kids, I know that Alice's and Dad's death is sad but we have a singing competition at the end of the week - time for bed!

A few days later
Xena, Gabrielle and the Bradys practice in the garage

Jan: (Jealous of Xena taking over her duet with Marcia) I can't believe Xena has a beautiful voice too

Gab: (Scoffing) Believe it - it never ends with her

Jan: Don't worry Gabrielle, it'll all end soon enough for Xena AND Marcia

Gab: (Taking the hint) I think I'll go for a walk outside now

Jan: (Stepping into the yard) The summer sun's calling your name

Gab: I hear you now!

Jan and Gabrielle discuss "Plan B" on their walk

It's the day of the singing competition
Gabrielle and Jan mysteriously develop laryngitis but attend the show anyway for "moral support"
The "Brady Six Plus Two Minus One Plus One" follow The Partridge Family
Xena, Marcia, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Cindy and Carol take the stage dressed in rainbow-colored outfits
Jan and Gabrielle watch in the wings

Gab: (Snickering) It's Xena...FRINGE PRINCESS - If only Ares could see her now!

Jan: Would you please keep your mind on the plan?

The lights go down and the music starts up

Xena and the Bradys sing and dance
"Flyin' down the highway in a make-shift model TA
It's a beautiful morning and it's gonna be a beautiful dayAAAAAYYYYYYY
The wheels are hummin' - the guitar's strummin'
and our radio is blastin' and good times are comin'
as we're flyin' down the highway in our make-shift model TA
We're gonna keep on keep on keep on keep on dancin' all through the night
we're gonna keep on keep on keep on doin' it riiiiiiiiight"

Jan: (To Gabrielle) GET READY...

"We're gonna keep on keep on keep on movin'
gonna keep on keep on keep on groovin'
keep on singin' and dancin' all through the night

Jan: NOW

Gabrielle throws a switch, electrocuting all on stage
Everyone is dead except Xena and Marcia who now have Afros

Marcia: OH MY HAIR

Xena: Calm down Marcia, it's a very happenin' look

Marcia: Super!

Jan and Gabrielle run over

Jan: The aliens did it!

Gab: Yeah, the aliens did it!

Xena: How come you two always seem to escape?

Marcia: C'mon Xena, it's Jan and Gabrielle...why would aliens or ANYONE for that matter bother with them?

Xena: Yeah, you're right

Marcia: Let's go, maybe we can get a ride on the Partridge family's bus

Back at the house, Gabrielle and Jan are left alone

Gab: (Sulking on the sofa) What, no plan "C" Ms. Smarty Pants?


Gab: Well, at least things couldn't get any worse...

The doorbell rings

Jan: (Answering the door) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH




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