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Xena: Chef Princess

by Lizzy/Tendre

A voice over begins...

In a time of microwaves
and frozen TV dinners
a land in hunger cried out for a meal
She was Xena
a mighty chef princess forged in the heat of the kitchen
The appetizers
The salads
The desserts
Her recipes will feed the world

Voice over continues...
And now ladies and gentlemen, our favorite chef princess, XEEEEENAAAAA

Xena flips out onto the stage, swings a spatula over her head and gives the requisite YiYiYiYiYiYEEEE
She is wearing a leather apron with the words "Kiss/Kill The Chef" studded on it

Xena: (Looking out at the audience) Hello everyone, how are you?

The camera pans a predominantly white, elderly audience clapping politely

Xena: Well, I hope we've all had our prunes let's welcome my co-host, Gabrielle!

Gabrielle refuses to come out
Xena grabs her by the hair and drags her out
Gabrielle is wearing an apron with a dancing taro root on it

Xena: Do you all like her new apron? - I embroidered it myself

The audience "oohs" and "aahs"

Gab: (Into Xena's ear) I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU for making me wear this!

Xena: (Back in Gab's ear) Then you won't like what I have planned for this evening

A Bulgarian War Chant is heard
The audience goes wild

Xena: Oh, you know what that means - it's postcard time!

Xena drags Gabrielle to a huge pile of postcards

Xena: Because of the overwhelming response to "Have Gabrielle Make Nutbread In Your Home," we've extended the deadline


Xena: I'm telling you now...As you all know, we cover Gabrielle in molasses and have her roll around in the cards, the first one to stick to her forehead is today's winner - BUT FIRST...

Xena pulls out a number from a fishbowl

Xena: The lucky audience member who gets to pour the molasses on Gabrielle is seat #XXIV

A portly man in a golfer's ensemble rushes onto the stage

Xena: What's you name sir and where are you from?

Man: (All excited) Jim from Boca Raton!

Gab: So sorry Jim, it's in my contract that no man from the Eastern coast of Florida can pour molasses on me, now let's just skip this and go to the recipe segment!

Xena: HEY, who's show is this? - There is nothing about Florida in your contract now get on the floor!

Gab: How many times a day do I hear that

Xena: (Picking up the molasses) Well Jim, are you ready?

Jim: Can I lick the molasses off of her later?

Xena: No, that's my job

Jim pours the molasses on Gabrielle and she proceeds to roll around in a pile of postcards
One finally sticks to her head

Xena: Who's the winner?

Gab: I don't know, the molasses smeared the ink

Xena: Try again!

Gab: (Reading another postcard) Sue from Middletown, Ohio!

Xena: OK Sue, Gabrielle will be at your house next week to make the nutbread

Gab: Can't wait

Xena: Now, for today's recipe, we'll be making "Chackrum Chocolate Rum Cake" - First, get all of your ingredients together...wait...where's the rum?

Gabrielle and Jim are sitting in a corner, draining a bottle of BACARDI


Gabrielle holds up the bottle and winks at Xena

Xena: Well, let's move on to our "Home Beauty" segment - Please help me welcome my very special guest, Martha Stewart!

The audience goes insane as Martha comes out and waves to them

Xena: Today, Martha is going to show us how to make decorative wreaths using the skeletal remains of defeated enemies

Martha and Xena begin the demonstration

MS: Now Xena, be sure to cut the flesh off in a slow, upward motion giving the bones an extra luster...

Xena: (Watching and cutting) That's amazing

MS: Here Gabrielle, you can clean up the skull


MS: Let's add a little gold leaf, a half dozen hollowed out pomegranate shells and some twine...

Xena: How beautiful...isn't that beautiful Gabrielle?

Gabrielle is throwing both middle fingers at Xena, slapping her elbows and flicking her hand from her chin

Xena: I see Gabrielle is practicing for next week's special guest chef, Tommy Lasorda!

The audience "oohs" and "aahs" again

MS: (Working on the wreath) Occasionally, there are people who think adding the skull is a little too ornate, so you can always substitute the clavicle

Xena: Great idea

MS: (Finishing) There, isn't that festive?

Gabrielle is blowing spit bubbles at them

Xena: (Holding up the wreath) How DO you do it?

MS: Well Xena, I have many skills!

Xena: Well Martha, it's a good thing!

Both women break out into phony laughter

Gabrielle shoves two fingers down her throat and gags

MS: Now, once your done with the wreath, you can use the leftover carcass as a good mulch for your garden - hyacinths absolutely thrive in it!

Xena: Excellent tip, by the way, I'M the one who actually killed Hyacinthus

The audience applauds

MS: How wonderful for you...Say Xena, I noticed the apron you embroidered for Gabrielle

Xena: (Proudly) Isn't it fetching?

MS: Actually, I would've used a different stitch pattern...

Xena: (Growing angry) What's wrong with my stitch pattern?

MS: Oh, nothing's wrong with it...per se

Gab: (Sitting on Jim's lap) "Per se" - Didn't you kill him in Leuctra Xena?

Xena: No, I saved him in Coronea - Now Martha, what exactly did you mean when...

MS: (Interrupting) I think we should move onto our "Simply Souvlaki" recipe, my old old Nana from the old old country would make this for the King of Prussia...

Xena: (Hoisting Martha over her head and throwing her off the studio balcony) Maybe Martha would like to consult with her old old Nana in person!

The audience cheers

Gab: YES, Xena killed another guest during sweeps

The Bulgarian War Chant is heard again

Xena: Well, that's our show for today, be sure to tune in tomorrow when Callisto shows us how to properly barbecue meat - YiYiYiYiYiYiYiYEEEEEEEE

Xena vaults off the set
Gabrielle looks at Jim

Gab: Do you have your own golf cart?

Jim: Sure do!

Gab: Can I drive?

Jim: Sure can!

Gab: Let's go


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