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LL: (On stage) AND HOP...AND HOP...AND HOP TO THE LEFT
The crowd obliges
LL: AND HOP...AND HOP...AND HOP TO THE RIGHT
The crowd obliges
LL: WHAT'S ME NAME?
Crowd: (Unison) LUCY
LL: AND HOW DO YOU SPELL IT?
Crowd: (Unison) L-U-C-Y
LL: WHAT'S ME LAST NAME?
Crowd: (Unison) LAWLESS
LL: AND HOW DO YOU SPELL IT?
LL: Very good...NOW, I want you to stand on your heads and serenade me with "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"
The crowd obliges
A convention worker comes over to her
Worker: (Whispering) Lucy, they're human beings...not toys
LL: HELL THEY AREN'T - Listen, they may have a pulse BUT they're me playthings, got it? - For once, I DON'T have to share them with six siblings AND that multi-colored hair cow isn't here to divide the spotlight!
The worker points to Lucy's open mike
The crowd is on the verge of tears
LL: I MEAN me wonderful co-star, best friend, and girl I'd marry if I were a man, Renee O'Connor!
The crowd cheers
Renee's Momma comes over to Lucy and grabs her by the nose
Momma: If I catches ya callin' m'babygirl a multi-colored hair cow again, I'll be servin' New Zealand chili back at Threadgill's...and I THINK y'all can figure out WHO the main ingredient will be
LL: Sorry, Mrs. Wilson
Worker: (Reading a note) Lucy, we just got word that half a dozen people in the back rows dropped dead from all of your exercises
LL: Serves 'em right for buying the cheap seats
Worker: I think it would be best if you just answered some of their questions
LL: I'LL DO ANY BLOODY DAMN THING I WANT WITH 'EM - When you get your own show, THEN come preach to me!
LL: Remember, I'M the ultimate dictator
Worker: (Under his breath) You got the first three letters of that noun correct
LL: Besides, Renee said to treat 'em like dirt, it keeps 'em coming back for more
Worker: Where did she learn that?
LL: At an S&M club
Worker: What was she doing there?
LL: Character research for her Disney series, 'Teen Angel'
The crowd becomes very jealous of the worker since he's stealing Lucy's
attention away from them
They grow colicky
LL: HEY NOW...HUSH UP
The crowd does
LL: Alright, alright...back to the fun - Let's play "Lucy Says"
Suddenly, the room starts to spin
Lucy blacks out and wakes up in on a bed of gravel in Australia
Miner: (Standing over her) Sleeping on the job again, eh Lu?
LL: (Looking around) What...what am I doing back HERE? - Where's Rob? Where's Ted? Where's Hudson? WHERE'S NEE?
LL: WHERE ARE ME SCREAMING FANS?
Miner: What in the Hell are you yabbering about?
LL: I'm a tall poppy in America - A HUGE SUCCESS, I TELL YOU - Nearly 2000 people paid money to see me!
Miner: I'll buy that...here's a few quid, take off your jumper
LL: NOT LIKE THAT, YOU OCKER - They paid to hear me talk about meself and me show
LL: Yes, I'm Xena...Warrior Princess!
The miner collapses in hysterics
Miner: (Shouting to the others) Hey Fellas, come get a load of Lucy's earbash - She must be rotten on plonk again
LL: I'M NOT DRUNK
Miner: OK, say you are this...this..."Xena" - It's one thing to pretend you're a movie star but it's another to pretend you're adored by Yanks - LUCY, THAT'S DISGUSTING, EVEN FOR YOU
LL: IT'S NOT DISGUSTING - And they like it when I sing to them
Miner: Well, I can understand that...all the blokes here love it when you belch the national anthem
LL: I don't do that anymore, me fans appreciate me operatic talents!
LL: I do me "war cry" using an Arabic ululation I learned...
Miner: Huh, an Arabic ukulele, don't believe I've ever seen one of those
LL: They all THINK it's spelled "YiYiYiYiYiYi" BUT it's not and they can't figure it out...I'm keeping the mystery by not telling
Miner: Aren't you the evil girl
LL: Yes...I know - OH, and I sing this beautiful Hasidic burial tune and they absolutely love it - LOVE IT, I TELL YOU - Like children licking cake batter!
Miner: Lucy, you're Catholic...why are you singing Jewish songs?
LL: They add flavor along with the Bulgarian war chants - BUT they absolutely go INSANE when I sing "Deep in the Heart of Texas"
Miner: They've got you singing Yank songs, too?
LL: I sing about coconuts, as well
Miner: It's not polite to sing about one's relatives
LL: Why aren't you taking me seriously? - I'm being true blue with you!
Miner: Fine, let me see if I have all this - First, you're a movie star with a bunch of drooling Yanks AND you're also an opera star who sings to them in Arabic, Hebrew and Bulgarian?
The miner collapses in hysterics again
Miner: God Lucy, first you split me spleen and now you're going for me pancreas...what's next?
LL: Please don't mention anything medical...I was nearly taken out by a horse on Leno's show
LL: I fractured me hip in a few places - You wouldn't believe all the cute "get well" gifts me fans gave me...
Miner: Such as?
LL: One sent some bones with the message "Lucy's spare parts" on it
Miner: Clever, those Yanks!
LL: I know...we used it for Halloween decorations
Miner: Halloween? You're celebrating Halloween? - Lucy, you're really starting to frighten me now
LL: I've got to get back to "Xena," so many people depend on me...so many actors from 'Marlin Bay' need the guest spots!
Miner: Say, what chemist shop are you visiting and can I come along next time?
Lucy goes over to the windshield of a bulldozer and looks in it
Miner: What's wrong?
LL: Me hair is back to a "mousy" color and me eyes are now BROWN - SOME SORT OF A HEX HAS BEEN PUT ON ME
Miner: What color were they before?
LL: Me hair was as dark as raven feathers and me eyes were the shade of a Scandinavian iceberg
Miner: I think you're under the hex of "similes and metaphors"
A whistle blows
Miner: C'mon now, time blow up the side of that cliff
LL: (Still looking at herself) I can't believe I'm back here in these dirty dungarees! - Where's me lipstick?
Miner: Lipstick? - That's a good one!
LL: Look, I took a "journey to femininity" and I ARRIVED - DAMMIT ALL, I WANT ME ACRYLIC NAILS BACK
Miner: Lucy...are you throwing a wobbly?
LL: (Not paying attention) You know what else I want back? - The shirt me parents gave me for Christmas...
LL: It read "Frank and Julie Ryan's Favorite Offspring" - And me Da...he gave me the most touching card, it read "To Me Darling Daughter, Thank God your Mum and I didn't use contraception that night! Love, Father"
Miner: Touching, indeed!
LL: HE FINALLY ACCEPTED ME, AND NOW THAT'S ALL GONE - WHY IS IT GONE, WHY?
Lucy thinks for a minute
LL: (Snapping her fingers) I know...those bloody hoons in the autograph line didn't stand up against the wall like they were TOLD to do and now...now...some sort of temporal shift happened AND I'M FURKIN' BACK HERE IN THE WOPWOOPS
Miner: Hey Lu, here comes your daughter!
Daisy walks over to her mother
LL: THANK GOD, THANK GOD - Daisy, please tell this man what your Mum's been doing in America...
Daisy: AMERICA? - Mummy are you trying to embarrass me again?
LL: Nevermind that, do you remember the shirt your grandparents gave me for Christmas?
Daisy: You mean "Child #5"
LL: Please tell me "Xena" is on the telly...
Daisy: She was on last night
LL: (To the miner) SEE?
Daisy: She lost to Capriati in the 2nd round of the New South Wales Tourney
LL: NO NO NO, NOT THAT "ZINA" - XENA WITH AN "X"
Daisy: You ARE trying to embarrass me, aren't you Mummy?
LL: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE
Lucy blacks out again and wakes up in a dressing room
ROC: (Shaking Lucy) Lucy...Lucy, wake up, you're wanted on the set
LL: NEE, IS THAT REALLY YOU?
LL: (Hugging and kissing Renee) Thank God!
ROC: Lucy, it's only subtext, remember?
LL: Something incredible just happened to me
ROC: Did y'all find a radio station that wasn't playin' an Alanis Morissette song?
LL: No, not that incredible...Hey, Nee?
LL: Why are you wearing pasties and a g-string?
ROC: Like m'new costume?
LL: I can't deal with another horrid nightmare right now
ROC: Why are you talking like 'Crocodile Dundee?'
ROC: Oh, I get it, it's "stupid accent" day and y'all didn't tell me!
LL: Renee, this IS how I talk, I'm from New Zealand
ROC: Oh, I get it, it's "pretend we're from an obscure country" day and y'all didn't tell me!
LL: Listen to me Renee, I grew up in Mt. Albert, New Zealand and me father was mayor
ROC: Okay...okay...m'Momma is the lost queen of Suriname...
LL: STOP IT - I'M A KIWI, I TELL YOU
ROC: Oh, I get it, it's "fuzzy green fruit" day and y'all didn't tell me!
ROC: (Feeling Lucy's head) Calm yerself - I think ya ate some bad tuna off that there caterin' truck...happens to us all
LL: For the last time, me name is Lucy Lawlesss and I was raised in New Zealand!
ROC: Honeychild, your name IS Lucy Lawless BUT you were born in Encino, California, and your parents own a dry cleaners
Daisy comes in the trailer
LL: THANK GOD, THANK GOD - Daisy, tell Nee where we're from!
Daisy: (Thick Valley Girl accent) OH...MIGAWD...Like WHAT...are you trying to do to me MOTHER? - This is soooo not even cool...you are freaking me out to the max AND you are totally tripping WAY beyond mondo embarrassing...PLEASE CHILL
ROC: C'mon Lucy, they needs ya on the set, PRONTO
LL: Well, at least I'm back to being Xena...
ROC: 'Scuze me?
LL: I'm Xena...
ROC: Oh, that's a funny one!
LL: Then who am I?
ROC: "Joxerita" - the idiot twin sister of Joxer
LL: Wait a minute...then who's...who's Xena?
Rob Tapert and Vanessa Angel walk in the trailer
Rob: OK, what is the delay here? - Time is money...tick tick tick...ching ching ching!
Vanessa: Robbie, honey, can we go to Hawaii for lunch?
LL: GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU BITCH
Vanessa: What is your problem?
Rob: (Leaving) Ladies, you have exactly two minutes to work this out and then you'd better get your pretty asses to the set or I'm calling Alyssa Milano!
LL: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE
The room starts to spin again and Lucy blacks out
She wakes up back at the convention in Burbank
LL: (Looking at the audience) Before I go any further, I just want to take this opportunity to TRULY thank everyone here for supporting me and this show...it really REALLY is splendid, thank you all!
Audience: (Unison) No, thank you Lucy, we love you!
A little girl comes up for a question
Girl: Hi Lucy
Girl: Can I take a picture with you...and do you dye your hair?
Now, if y'all will please indulge me for a minute...
Tendre knocks on the office door of her former New Zealand geography professor, Dr. Gordon Lewthwaite...
Tendre: Excuse me, Dr. L...
Dr. L: Yes?
Tendre: I don't know if you remember me...
Dr. L: Sorry, I...wait a minute...yes I do, you're Lizzy, right?
Dr. L: Of course I remember...I remember you falling asleep during me lectures, mocking me accent with your sorority mates and making finger puppets during me slide show of Mount Egmont - Your "Pterodactyl that ate the Taranaki plain" was quite clever!
Tendre: Ohmigod, that was so totally my favorite, too!
Dr. L: A pity you weren't as clever on your mid-term
Tendre: True, but my thesis on taro roots ROCKED THE HOUSE, did it not?
Dr. L: Darling, that was seven years ago...WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Tendre: (Dancing around) I finally have justification for all that boring crap...I mean...fascinating information I learned in your class!
Dr. L: And that would be?
Tendre proudly produces a green piece of paper and gives it to Dr. L
Tendre: CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT - I really hate to part with it, but...
Dr. L: (Looking) It's me 334 class coversheet, with some unintelligible scrawl on it
Tendre: (Pointing) No...see, those are "L's" and that's...and that's a "W" - wait, it's an "S"...yes, those are "S's"
Dr. L: Am I supposed to be impressed by this in some way?
Tendre: Dr. L - that's Lucy...I SCORED YOU LUCY'S AUTOGRAPH
Dr. L: Lucy who?
Tendre: Lucy who? LUCY WHO? - LUCY LAWLESS - HELLO?
Dr. L: Is someone else at the door?
Tendre: Dr. L, this is Lucy, you know, "Xena: Warrior Princess"
Dr. L: Ah yes, I think I've heard of her...she's got quite the set of jugs, right?
Tendre: She's a Kiwi just like you!
Dr. L: And we all know how RARE that is since there are only 3 or 4 MILLION of us on the planet!
Tendre: I was kind of hoping that you might change my grade from a "B" to an "A" now...
Dr. L: Let me see if I have this correct, you want a retroactive upgrade for giving me the autograph of some actress on a show I've never seen, just because she's a Kiwi like me?
Tendre: Um...like YEAH
Dr. Lewthwaite says nothing
Tendre: (Pulling something out of her purse) OK, the autograph and this tasty pack of mini-powdered doughnuts...
Dr. L: Miss Lizzy, do I look like a police officer?
Tendre: (Putting away the doughnuts) OK, OK - The autograph AND a twenty-dollar bill...it would've been a C-note BUT I spent it all on a "Xena" wine carafe
Dr. L: Alright...I'll change your grade
Dr. L: TO A BIG, FAT "F"
Dr. L: NOT ONLY AM I GOING TO CHANGE YOUR GRADE, I'M DESTROYING ALL OF YOUR TRANSCRIPTS AND BARRING YOU FROM THIS UNIVERSITY
Dr. L: GET OUT
Tendre starts to leave
Dr. L: By the way, if it were MICHAEL HURST'S autograph, I would've given you the "A"
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