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LL's Stateside PR Fun Fest

by Lizzy/Tendre


*The following post is written in JEST and by no means reflects the opinions of Ms. Lucy Lawless or Ms. Renee O'Connor*
To those of you who were offended by my "Between The Lines Of LL's Post," I STRONGLY suggest you don't go any further...see the back button? CLICK IT
For the rest of you...ENJOY; )

Lucy begins with an interview at W-U-S-S TV

Anchor: Good morning Ms. Lawless

LL: Good morning

Anchor: And welcome to "Waking Up With WUSSies"

LL: Thank you...I think

Anchor: I understand you're a huge WUSSie fan

LL: I can never get enough of the big WUSS!

Bells and horns go off in the studio because Lucy says the magic word "WUSS"

Anchor: Lucy that REALLY your name?

LL: Yes, yes it is

Anchor: Really?

LL: Yes

Anchor: C'mon!

LL: I'll show you my driver's license

Anchor: Well, it's a very illiterate name

LL: I think you mean "alliterative"

Anchor: Hey, we all have our accents lady!

LL: Right

Anchor: So, how do you like working on "Star Trek?"

LL: I'm on the show "Xena: Warrior Princess"

Anchor: And that's a spinoff of "Star Trek" right?

LL: Actually, it's a spinoff of "Hercules: The Legendary Adventures"

Anchor: That's a spinoff of "Baywatch" correct?

LL: No, it's an original show

Anchor: But "Baywatch" is a spinoff of "Star Trek"

LL: (Thinking for a second and submits) Yes, yes it is

Anchor: Wonderful

Lucy smiles politely

Anchor: So, you were a grape picker on the Rhine

LL: Yes, yes I was

Anchor: That must have been fun

LL: Indeed

Anchor: Good for you

Lucy smiles politely

Anchor: You were also a gold miner

LL: Yes, yes I was

Anchor: That must have been hard work

LL: Indeed

Anchor: Good for you

Lucy smiles politely

Anchor: And it also says here that you were a nun

LL: What?

Anchor: You were a nun for a number of years

LL: Um no, no I was never a nun...

Anchor: Are you sure?

LL: I've been many things in my life but never a nun, trust me on this

Anchor: But it says here on the card that you were a nun

LL: Sorry, I was never a nun, I'm sure my parents would've preferred it but I wasn't

Anchor: Are you ashamed to admit it?

LL: LOOK, I don't care WHAT your bloody card says, I was never EVER a nun...I like sex, there goes that career option, you know what I'm saying?

Anchor: What are you trying to pull Ms. Lawless?

LL: I'm not trying to pull anything, I swear it!

Anchor: On a stack of Bibles?

LL: Oh for the love of God

Anchor: OK, let's move on now

LL: Please, let's!

Anchor: So, you were also an orthopedic surgeon

LL: (Thinking for a second and submits) Yes, yes I was

Anchor: That must have been fascinating

LL: Indeed

Anchor: Good for you

Lucy smiles politely

Anchor: Thank you so much for being on "Waking Up With WUSSies"

LL: My pleasure, you WUSS

Bells and horns go off again as Lucy leaves the set

Lucy in the limo with her publicist looking at the crowd of Xena fans outside the TV studio gates
They read the signs



Fan#3: LOOK HERE<>

LL: What a bunch of dilly birds!

Pub: OK, I want you to get out and meet with them, smile, take some pictures...

LL: You're as crazy as they are if you think I'm getting out of this limo

Pub: It's good PR for the show

LL: I don't care WHAT it is, I'm not getting out of this car

Pub: Yes you are

LL: Please, please don't make me go...PLEASE, I'll give you money, I'll be your sex slave just DON'T make me go out there!

The publicist kicks Lucy out the door

Pub: And remember, be charming and try not to use any polysyllabic words

Lucy meekly walks over to the trio

LL: Hi, I'm Lucy Lawless

Fan#1: So?

LL: I'm Xena

Fan#2: Sure, you're Xena and I'm Bill Clinton!

Fan#3: I don't see any leather or a chackrum

LL: No really, I'm the actress that portrays the character of Xena

Fans: (In unison) HUH?

LL: Me Lucy, Me Xena, Lucy...Xena...Me!

Fan#1: You aint Xena

Fan#2: You look like her anemic half-sister

Fan#3: I bet she's one of them celebrity look-a-likes, the studio probably hired her so we wouldn't see the real Xena sneak in

Fans: (In unison) YEAH

LL: For the last time, I'm really Xena!

Fan#1: The real Xena doesn't talk funny like you do

Fan#2: The real Xena rides Argo, not a limo

Fan#3: And the real Xena has bigger boobs than you

LL: (Looking down) But...

Fan#1: I think you should just get back in your limo!

Fan#2: Boo!

Fan#3: Get outta here you fake!


Lucy runs down the parking lot, vaults over a Buick and hurls her Ferragamo pump at a security guard, knocking him out

Fan#1: WHOA, she really IS Xena!

Fan#2: I love you Xena, can I have your autograph?

Fan#3: Is Gabrielle in the limo too?

Lucy gets back in the car after posing for pictures with the fans

Pub: How did you do that?

LL: Jump the Buick?

Pub: No, not get a run in your hose

LL: Don't tell the producers I did this, they'll take away my stuntdouble

Pub: Your secret is safe with me

LL: Good

Pub: (Clearing the throat) I SAID your secret is safe with me

LL: Oh Hell...will you take a traveler's check?

Pub: Add a $10.00 service charge

LL: You know, I don't believe what just happened back there - Can't these people discern fantasy from reality?

Pub: Hey, you're talking about a country that voted for Ronald Reagan as president...TWICE

LL: Poor Renee, I've always wondered about her...

Pub: What do you mean?

LL: I thought maybe she was dropped on her head as a baby but now I know...all Yanks are just bloody wacked!

Pub: Now remember, each wacky American equals a ratings point

LL: I just want to be able to send Daisy to a good college

Pub: And you will...once we hit the 100th episode, we'll all be living on "Moderately Comfortable Street" for the rest of our lives

Lucy and her publicist go into an Italian restaurant in after The Rosie O'Donnell Show

Pub: It was sure nice of Rosie to recommend this place

LL: (Unfurling a list) This is the top one she checked under "Italian" Part VII, Subsection C

Pub: I'm very proud of you Lucy for not making any fat jokes today

LL: Do I get a star AND a happy face?

Pub: You know, having "Xena: Warrior Princess" dress up in a dog suit and sing "Puppy Love" would NOT have helped the show's image

LL: Actually, that might have been fun

Lucy and the publicist are seated

Pub: Finally, some real food - I'm sick of "Planet Hollywood"

LL: If I eat one more bite of "Cap'n Crunch" chicken, I'm gonna toss!

Diners at another table notice her

Diner#1: Hey Xena, can I borrow your sword to cut my meat?

Diner#2: Are you hiding Gabrielle under the table?

Diner#3: YiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiBURP

LL: Well, aren't they amusing

Pub: The price of fame, sweetie, the price of fame

A waiter comes over to take their orders

Waiter: Good evening Ms. Lawless, here is a complimentary glass of wine

LL: Why thank you!

Pub: Hey Pal, I'm alive too

Waiter: Here's some ice water

Pub: Fabulous

LL: (Taking a sip) My God! - This is the exact vintage that I did you know?

The waiter points to the official "Xenite" certificate on the wall next to the Xena newsletter and a stack of trading cards

Waiter: Your fan club president sent them out to every restaurant in the tri-state area

LL: Are you're kidding me?

Waiter: Could you please tell her to stop calling and faxing us now?

Lucy and her publicist discuss the Rosie show over dinner

Pub: Lucy, what was with that lavender top?

LL: It's the "in" color now

Pub: When will you learn? - With your skin tone, solids right/pastels bite!

LL: Well, I thought it was trendy

Pub: If everyone shoved a banana up their nose as the "in" thing, would you do it?

LL: When did you become my mother?

Pub: Honey, they PAY me to be your mother, now lose that shirt!

LL: Fine, I'll just go naked to my next interview

Pub: That might pull in an audience

Lucy and her publicist return to New Zealand and the X:WP main office

Pub: (Looking out the window) Renee just pulled into the driveway

LL: QUICK - Hide all the sharp utensils!

ROC: (Barging in the door) OK, where is it?

LL: It's nice to see you too, Renee!

ROC: No games Lucy, WHERE is it?

LL: Um...

Pub: (Stepping in) So Renee, did you catch Lucy on the Rosie show?

ROC: Sure did!

Pub: And what did you think?

ROC: (Looking at Lucy) Where do you get off singin' a cowboy song in MY country?

LL: I did it in deference to you, Darling

ROC: BULLSPIT, don't make no difference to me! - Am I on your talk shows singin' "Waltzing Matilda?"

LL: How many times do I have to explain it to you Renee, I'M NOT A BLOODY AUSSIE

ROC: I don't care WHAT you are, just stop stompin' on my territory!

LL: Pissing on pines again are we?

ROC: HEY...I was only 14 and it was an elm

Pub: Ladies...and I use that term loosely...please!

ROC: And what was up with that purple shirt?

LL: Oh not you too

ROC: Sugar, with your complexion, solids go/pastels blow!

LL: I suppose you're going to lecture me on shoving a banana up my nose

ROC: (Pausing for a minute) All you Kiwis are just plain wacked! - Now GIMME GIMME GIMME

LL: (Opening up a sack) Let's see what we've got here...Ah, here you a go - a jumbo jar of "Old El Paso" extra hot salsa...

ROC: That other stuff is made in New York City


LL: (Handing Renee a shirt) AND a Dallas Cowboys home jersey...the cheerleading outfit is mine


An overjoyed Renee jumps up and down and smothers Lucy

LL: ALRIGHT, alright Renee, there's no need to lick

ROC: Now, where is IT?

LL: (Nervously) Why don't you try the jersey on?


Pub: (Running out the door) Gotta do lunch with...uh...with someone, ciao!

Lucy reluctantly hands Renee a gift

ROC: (Ripping the wrapping off) What in the HELL is this?

LL: I got you an autographed copy of Tipper Gore's book...


LL: I'm sorry Renee, I just couldn't get to him

ROC: (Falling on the floor) OH...OH...OH MY GOD

LL: I tried really hard, I did!


LL: But...but Tipper's is even BETTER, she IS the second lady of your country!


LL: Renee

ROC: I only asked you for ONE little deed - One ITSY BITSY request...

LL: Please

ROC: While I was down eatin' ice-cream with a bunch of snot-nosed brats and YOU were off bein' MISS TV THANG

LL: I'll make it up to you, I promise!

ROC: All my relatives back in Texas were gonna throw me a parade 'cause I got Ol' Possum's John Hancock, thanks to you...

LL: Nee

ROC: My co-star

LL: Nee Nee




LL: (Inaudible)


LL: (Sobbing) I...I failed


LL: I'll do anything you want, I'll even wear the costume!

ROC: FORGET IT - I don't even want to breathe the same air as you right now


ROC: (Storming out the door) And DON'T be lookin' for an invite to my barbecue!

LL: 5...4...3...2...

ROC: (Poking her head back in) Hey Lu, the new script came down an hour ago...wanna run lines later?

LL: Sure thing, Hon

ROC: OK, see ya

Lucy collapses on the couch in exhaustion
The phone rings

Lucy: Hello...WHAT? - No Mom, I was never a nun...really...I wasn't a nun, I SWEAR!


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