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The following parody is LOOSELY (please let me repeat) LOOSELY based on Renee O'Connor's ice-cream party for young Xena fans held in August. At the behest of Rowdy2 and the "Texas Xena Mafia," I drew upon their experiences for material. We all agree that Renee is a beautiful, talented, smart, considerate and charming young lady. However, to add some "spice" to the spoof, I rely HEAVILY on Texas stereotypes. I think most of you know my sense of humor by now, make your own judgment about going any further!
'Tendre: Bard Ranger
Adele, Margaret, Deanlu, Michelle and Natalie pull up to "Threadgill's," the restaurant run by Renee O'Connor's family and site of her ice-cream party for *children*
Deanlu: Here it is!
Margaret: This is so excitin'
Adele: Now remember girls, we're "Southern Women" - We're refined, genteel...
Michelle: OOOOOH LOOKIE, THERE'S RENEE
All five start screaming wildly out the car windows and blare the horn at a panicked young woman
Natalie: That aint Renee
Adele: Sure it is!
Natalie: Nah, that's just some gal that looks like her
Margaret: What makes ya say that?
Natalie: She's a joggin'
Natalie: Now why would Renee want to look all sweaty and jock-like just before she meets her adorin' public?
Adele: That's right...betcha she pulls up in one of them fancy-shmancy Hollywood limos wearin' a feather boa and her best "Mary Kay" face!
Deanlu: Ooooh, I hope she gets a limo with some of them big steerhorns in front
The women head into the restaurant
Michelle: (Looking at a banner) I dunno 'bout this, it says the party is only for youngins
Margaret: Hey, we look like normal patrons, no one can tell
Adele: Subtlety is key here
All five ladies take off their jackets revealing matching t-shirts, each with
a letter of Renee's name
The owner shows them to a table
Eddie: Y'all unnerstand that there's a private party goin' on here
Deanlu: Oh, of course, we're only here for...lunch...no wait...dinner...uh...
Eddie: You're here to see Renee, aint ya?
Margaret: Please don't make us leave, we drove all the way from Dallas
Eddie: That figures
Natalie: (Whispering to Margaret) FOOL - ya shoulda said we drove all the way from the Yukon
Adele: If you don't mind me asking sir, what gave us away?
Eddie: (Looking at their shirts) Call it a wild hunch...no matter, have a good time, don't scare the little 'uns and try the cheese grits!
Meanwhile, Renee runs past her mother and publicist in the kitchen She desperately tries to hide in an air conditioning duct
Mom: What's wrong Cricket, is the sheriff after ya again?
ROC: (Echo) There's a bunch of freakoid fan groupies out there!
Pub: "Supporters," Renee, call them "supporters"
ROC: I'SE A STAYIN' IN HERE 'TIL THEY'RE GONE
Pub: As a representative of MCA, it is my duty to inform you of the "No Hiding In Air Conditioning Ducts" clause in your contract, only Lucy is allowed to do that
ROC: Momma Momma make'em all leave!
Mom: (Pulling Renee by the ankles) Now Grasshopper, where are yer manners? - Git outta there, go put yer boots on, pretty yerself up and greet yer guests!
ROC: But Momma...
Mom: No "But Mommas" - This whole actin' thang was you're idea Firefly!
ROC: But Momma...
Mom: I begged ya and begged ya and begged ya to be a manicurist like your Aunt/Sister/Cousin Darleen but did ya lissen?
Pub: (Looking out at the gathering) The reporter for the "Austin Statesmen" is here
Mom: In all honesty Ladybug, you've done this family right proud...now go start movin' tables!
ROC: (Crawling out of the vent) OKAY, OKAY, just quit referin' ta me as an insect!
Renee gets cleaned up, sets up some chairs and meets with the reporter The publicist looks on
Rep: Ms. O'Connor, I understand your acting career took off with the portrayal of a caterpiller?
ROC: MOMMA YER DEAD...sorry sir, please ask me another question
Rep: So, you're on the show "Xena," is that correct?
Rep: And "Xena" is the main character
Rep: And you spell "Xena" X-E-N-A, right?
ROC: (Getting bored) Yessir
Rep: How do you like working on the show?
ROC: It's the most horrific experience of my life - I cry myself to sleep each and every night in utter despair
ROC: (Slapping off his Stetson) Whaddya think I'm gonna say MENSA MAN? - of course I like workin' on the show!
Pub: (Clearing her throat) Actually, what Ms. O'Connor is trying to say is that she values her current experience and hopes that it will manifest into more prominent endeavors in the future
Rep: (Looking at Renee) HUH?
ROC: I hopes ta land me a gig on that there "Friends" show!
Rep: Oh, OK, let's move on to some other questions...
ROC: (Looking at her publicist) He wishes to query me further
Rep: "O'Connor" - That's an Irish name...
ROC: (Proudly) Yessir
Rep: Are you a covert supporter of the IRA?
Rep: Did you play a prominent role in the "Whitewater" scandal?
ROC: WHAT KINDA BULLSPIT QUESTIONS ARE THESE?
Rep: Hey lady, do you think I wanna be stuck writin' Obits for the rest of my life? - A local TV Star dishin' ice-cream to a bunch a kids don't cut it!
Pub: He's just looking for a little "spice" Renee
ROC: I'LL GIVE YA SPICE
Renee pours a bottle of tabasco on his ice-cream
Rep: Just one more question - The increase in tropical hurricanes over the past few years...are you responsible?
Renee grabs the reporter in a choke-hold and throws him out the door
Rep: "TV STAR ROUGHS UP REPORTER AT KIDDIE ICE-CREAM SOCIAL" - Looks like I've got my story, much oblige Ma'am!
ROC: (Watching the reporter take off) I can't believe he did that
Pub: Don't worry, I'll send a bottle of "Jack" to his editor - that story won't see the light of day
ROC: I don't care about the story...HE CALLED ME "MA'AM"
Pub: Calm down Renee, it's time to judge the kids' essay contest
ROC: I HATED essays in school and now, a decade later, I'm still doin' 'em!
Pub: Remember, no pluses or minuses, it's straight A-F
ROC: Well, that's really gonna win me some points with the kids
A young girl walks up to them with her paper
Girl: Ms. O'Connor, do you prefer the format to be in "1st person" or "3rd person" and do you want footnotes?
ROC: (Looking at the paper) Here Honeybear, lemme see that for a minute
Renee draws a big "happy face" on it and signs her name
ROC: Now go git some ice-cream
Girl: Thank you Ms. O'Connor...by the way, is Xena gonna be here?
A teenage boy comes up for Renee's autograph
Boy: (Blushing) Howdy Miss Renee
ROC: Hey Cutiepie, whassyer name?
Boy: Billy Earl
ROC: What a surprise...
Boy: You handle a staff really well Miss Renee
ROC: Why thank ya Sweetums!
Boy: (Slyly) Maybe you could play with mine sometime
ROC: How old are you?
ROC: Where ya from?
ROC: Well that's about right - come back when you're legal though
Boy: (Excited) See ya next year!
After the umpteenth "Is Xena here" question from the kids, Renee breaks down
ROC: Y'know what? - Xena WAS here but she took one look at ya kids, decided that she didn't like ya and left!
Pub: Renee, I want YOU to write an essay on "tact"
ROC: TACT THIS
ROC: Ya know, I'se just a sick of hearing "Xena" this, "Xena" that - I haven't felt this way since...
Renee's Mom comes over
Mom: Look who just walked in!
A beautiful, statuesque blonde makes her way towards them
ROC: OH NOOOOOO
Pub: Who's that?
ROC: (Ready to faint) IT'S APRIL MAY JUNE
Mom: April May is Renee's childhood nemesis
ROC: She stole my boyfriends, she knocked me off the cheerleadin' squad and she was crowned "Junior Miss Tenderloin"
Mom: Now Sugar, you won in that pageant as well
ROC: "Miss Shank Runner-Up"
Pub: Actually, shank is a very underrated cut of meat - with the right seasonings...
ROC: SHUDDUP, I already paid ya for the month, quit yer suckin'
Mom: Hey Puddin', you's a big TV star, you should be happy to see her
ROC: I'd be happy to see her hair on fire!
April: HEY RINNY, it's good ta see ya again!
ROC: (Oscar-performance) Oh, I've missed ya too April May!
April May watches the "Manic Monday" video montage of Renee's work on "Xena"
ROC: Whaddya think?
April: I just LOVE that Bangles' song! - They played it at my husband's inaugural
ROC: Isn't that nice
April: Well Rinny, gotta run, I just came by to say "Hey!"
ROC: Isn't that nice
April: (Leaving) Seeya later!
ROC: Momma, could you bring me the tweezers so I can pick up what little ego I have left?
Mom: Lucy's on the phone from New York
LL: Oh Renee, I just had lunch at 21!
ROC: Isn't that nice
LL: I've become great friends with Rosie and she's introducing me to all of these powerful industry people
ROC: Isn't that nice
LL: I'm doing a duet with Madonna on her new CD
ROC: Isn't that nice
LL: So, what have you been up to?
ROC: I just finished charm school
LL: Charm school? - Whatever for?
ROC: I've learned how to say "isn't that nice" instead of "FURK YOU"
Renee bangs down the receiver
Mom: RENEE - WHAT KINDA DAUGHTER DID I RAISE?
ROC: (Whimpering) Sorry Momma
Mom: Ya know darn well ya coulda chipped a nail doin' that!
Meanwhile, "The Texas Xena Mafia" watch Renee with awe
Margaret: (Teary-eyed) Isn't she adorable?
Michelle: Shoot, she's downright amazin'!
Deanlu: Best thang outta Texas since Ross Perot!
Natalie: Hey ladies, how are we gonna pay for this? - They DON'T take "American Express!"
Adele: We'll just hafta wash dishes I guess...I GIT RENEE'S DISH
Renee and her publicist walk nearby
The women all jump up and form a line in front of Renee
Deanlu: We all luv' ya Hon and think yer mighty fine!
ROC: (Reading their shirts) What in blazes is "e-n-e-R-e?"
Margaret: DANG IT ADELE, GIT OVER TO THE LEFT
Adele: (Moving over) Sorry
ROC: (Now reading her name on their shirts) Y'all...
The women think she's going to say something nice
ROC: Y'ALL INSANE
Pub: (Aside) Be euphemistic Renee...try "mentally halted"
ROC: I'se gonna halt ya upside the head if you don't git outta my face!
Adele: (Taking Renee's picture) Couldya maybe sign our breasts?
ROC: WHAT IS WRONG WITCHA? - Y'ALL CUCKOO...LOONY...LOCO
Natalie: Lucy calls us "Diehard Nutballs"
ROC: I DON'T WANNA HEAR ONE MORE WORD ABOUT LUCY
Michelle: But Ms. O'Connor, yer our hobby!
Renee runs for her purse and comes back
ROC: Look, here's $37.52...go make a hook-a-rug, buy some new shelf paper, grow a bonsai tree...ANYTHING
Adele: Oooh, I like the hook-a-rug idea
Deanlu: We can make a hook-a-rug of Renee!
ROC: (Fleeing out of the restaurant) AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Natalie: I think she's right, ladies - LOOK AT US
Michelle: Nat's right...imagine, we're professional adults goin' crazy over an actress
Deanlu: My husband just got back from duty and here I am
Margaret: We should be ashamed!
Adele: LOOK, THERE'S A STRAND OF RENEE'S HAIR ON THE FLOOR
All five of them knock each other unconscious diving for it
Renee speeds down the highway in a red monster truck
A state trooper pulls her over
ROC: (Thinking) I know, if I'll tell him I'm part of the Dallas Cowboys organization, he'll let me go!
Trooper: License and registration, Ma'am
ROC: WHAT IS WITH THIS MA'AM THANG
Trooper: 'Scuze me?
ROC: I swear officer, I wasn't drinkin'...although I SHOULDA been
Trooper: Wait a minute, I know you...
ROC: (To herself) Oh great, he'll probably want an 8x10 glossy of Lucy
Trooper: You were the girl in that "Darkman" movie
ROC: (All excited) THAT'S RIGHT
Trooper: Can you get me Arnold Vosloo's autograph?
Renee takes off and crushes the police car with her truck
Trooper: (Calling after her) How about Larry Drake's?
Hours later, Renee pulls into a Dairy Queen
Worker: What kind of ice-cream wouldya like?
ROC: I NEVER WANNA SEE ICE-CREAM AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE
Worker: Do ya know where ya are?
ROC: Can't I just git an RC cola please?"
Worker: No problem
A young boy goes up to Renee and kisses her hand
Boy: Ms. O'Connor, I just wanted ya to know how much I enjoy yer work
ROC: (Hugging the boy) Aw thanks Buckaroo, I guess bein' a hero isn't so bad after all
Boy: Hero? Jeff Bagwell is MY hero...but yer a big time hero to my folks
He points to two trembling adults in the corner wearing t-shirts with red hearts and Renee's picture on them
ROC: (To the worker) Where're yer air conditioning ducts?