Convert This Page to Pilot DOC FormatConvert this page to Pilot DOC Format

ROCky Road

by Lizzy/Tendre


The following parody is LOOSELY (please let me repeat) LOOSELY based on Renee O'Connor's ice-cream party for young Xena fans held in August. At the behest of Rowdy2 and the "Texas Xena Mafia," I drew upon their experiences for material. We all agree that Renee is a beautiful, talented, smart, considerate and charming young lady. However, to add some "spice" to the spoof, I rely HEAVILY on Texas stereotypes. I think most of you know my sense of humor by now, make your own judgment about going any further!

'Tendre: Bard Ranger

Adele, Margaret, Deanlu, Michelle and Natalie pull up to "Threadgill's," the restaurant run by Renee O'Connor's family and site of her ice-cream party for *children*

Deanlu: Here it is!

Margaret: This is so excitin'

Adele: Now remember girls, we're "Southern Women" - We're refined, genteel...


All five start screaming wildly out the car windows and blare the horn at a panicked young woman

Natalie: That aint Renee

Adele: Sure it is!

Natalie: Nah, that's just some gal that looks like her

Margaret: What makes ya say that?

Natalie: She's a joggin'

Michelle: So?

Natalie: Now why would Renee want to look all sweaty and jock-like just before she meets her adorin' public?

Adele: That's right...betcha she pulls up in one of them fancy-shmancy Hollywood limos wearin' a feather boa and her best "Mary Kay" face!

Deanlu: Ooooh, I hope she gets a limo with some of them big steerhorns in front

The women head into the restaurant

Michelle: (Looking at a banner) I dunno 'bout this, it says the party is only for youngins

Margaret: Hey, we look like normal patrons, no one can tell

Adele: Subtlety is key here

All five ladies take off their jackets revealing matching t-shirts, each with a letter of Renee's name
The owner shows them to a table

Eddie: Y'all unnerstand that there's a private party goin' on here

Deanlu: Oh, of course, we're only here wait...dinner...uh...

Eddie: You're here to see Renee, aint ya?

Margaret: Please don't make us leave, we drove all the way from Dallas

Eddie: That figures

Natalie: (Whispering to Margaret) FOOL - ya shoulda said we drove all the way from the Yukon

Adele: If you don't mind me asking sir, what gave us away?

Eddie: (Looking at their shirts) Call it a wild matter, have a good time, don't scare the little 'uns and try the cheese grits!

Meanwhile, Renee runs past her mother and publicist in the kitchen She desperately tries to hide in an air conditioning duct

Mom: What's wrong Cricket, is the sheriff after ya again?

ROC: (Echo) There's a bunch of freakoid fan groupies out there!

Pub: "Supporters," Renee, call them "supporters"


Pub: As a representative of MCA, it is my duty to inform you of the "No Hiding In Air Conditioning Ducts" clause in your contract, only Lucy is allowed to do that

ROC: Momma Momma make'em all leave!

Mom: (Pulling Renee by the ankles) Now Grasshopper, where are yer manners? - Git outta there, go put yer boots on, pretty yerself up and greet yer guests!

ROC: But Momma...

Mom: No "But Mommas" - This whole actin' thang was you're idea Firefly!

ROC: But Momma...

Mom: I begged ya and begged ya and begged ya to be a manicurist like your Aunt/Sister/Cousin Darleen but did ya lissen?

Pub: (Looking out at the gathering) The reporter for the "Austin Statesmen" is here

Mom: In all honesty Ladybug, you've done this family right go start movin' tables!

ROC: (Crawling out of the vent) OKAY, OKAY, just quit referin' ta me as an insect!

Renee gets cleaned up, sets up some chairs and meets with the reporter The publicist looks on

Rep: Ms. O'Connor, I understand your acting career took off with the portrayal of a caterpiller?

ROC: MOMMA YER DEAD...sorry sir, please ask me another question

Rep: So, you're on the show "Xena," is that correct?

ROC: Yessir

Rep: And "Xena" is the main character

ROC: Yessir

Rep: And you spell "Xena" X-E-N-A, right?

ROC: (Getting bored) Yessir

Rep: How do you like working on the show?

ROC: It's the most horrific experience of my life - I cry myself to sleep each and every night in utter despair

Rep: Really?

ROC: (Slapping off his Stetson) Whaddya think I'm gonna say MENSA MAN? - of course I like workin' on the show!

Pub: (Clearing her throat) Actually, what Ms. O'Connor is trying to say is that she values her current experience and hopes that it will manifest into more prominent endeavors in the future

Rep: (Looking at Renee) HUH?

ROC: I hopes ta land me a gig on that there "Friends" show!

Rep: Oh, OK, let's move on to some other questions...

ROC: (Looking at her publicist) He wishes to query me further

Rep: "O'Connor" - That's an Irish name...

ROC: (Proudly) Yessir

Rep: Are you a covert supporter of the IRA?


Rep: Did you play a prominent role in the "Whitewater" scandal?


Rep: Hey lady, do you think I wanna be stuck writin' Obits for the rest of my life? - A local TV Star dishin' ice-cream to a bunch a kids don't cut it!

Pub: He's just looking for a little "spice" Renee


Renee pours a bottle of tabasco on his ice-cream

Rep: Just one more question - The increase in tropical hurricanes over the past few years...are you responsible?

Renee grabs the reporter in a choke-hold and throws him out the door

Rep: "TV STAR ROUGHS UP REPORTER AT KIDDIE ICE-CREAM SOCIAL" - Looks like I've got my story, much oblige Ma'am!

ROC: (Watching the reporter take off) I can't believe he did that

Pub: Don't worry, I'll send a bottle of "Jack" to his editor - that story won't see the light of day

ROC: I don't care about the story...HE CALLED ME "MA'AM"

Pub: Calm down Renee, it's time to judge the kids' essay contest

ROC: I HATED essays in school and now, a decade later, I'm still doin' 'em!

Pub: Remember, no pluses or minuses, it's straight A-F

ROC: Well, that's really gonna win me some points with the kids

A young girl walks up to them with her paper

Girl: Ms. O'Connor, do you prefer the format to be in "1st person" or "3rd person" and do you want footnotes?

ROC: (Looking at the paper) Here Honeybear, lemme see that for a minute

Renee draws a big "happy face" on it and signs her name

ROC: Now go git some ice-cream

Girl: Thank you Ms. O' the way, is Xena gonna be here?

ROC: Nope...NEXT

A teenage boy comes up for Renee's autograph

Boy: (Blushing) Howdy Miss Renee

ROC: Hey Cutiepie, whassyer name?

Boy: Billy Earl

ROC: What a surprise...

Boy: You handle a staff really well Miss Renee

ROC: Why thank ya Sweetums!

Boy: (Slyly) Maybe you could play with mine sometime

ROC: How old are you?

Boy: 14

ROC: Where ya from?

Boy: Galveston

ROC: Well that's about right - come back when you're legal though

Boy: (Excited) See ya next year!

After the umpteenth "Is Xena here" question from the kids, Renee breaks down

ROC: Y'know what? - Xena WAS here but she took one look at ya kids, decided that she didn't like ya and left!

Pub: Renee, I want YOU to write an essay on "tact"


Pub: Renee

ROC: Ya know, I'se just a sick of hearing "Xena" this, "Xena" that - I haven't felt this way since...

Renee's Mom comes over

Mom: Look who just walked in!

A beautiful, statuesque blonde makes her way towards them


Pub: Who's that?

ROC: (Ready to faint) IT'S APRIL MAY JUNE

Mom: April May is Renee's childhood nemesis

ROC: She stole my boyfriends, she knocked me off the cheerleadin' squad and she was crowned "Junior Miss Tenderloin"

Mom: Now Sugar, you won in that pageant as well

ROC: "Miss Shank Runner-Up"

Pub: Actually, shank is a very underrated cut of meat - with the right seasonings...

ROC: SHUDDUP, I already paid ya for the month, quit yer suckin'

Mom: Hey Puddin', you's a big TV star, you should be happy to see her

ROC: I'd be happy to see her hair on fire!

April: HEY RINNY, it's good ta see ya again!

ROC: (Oscar-performance) Oh, I've missed ya too April May!

April May watches the "Manic Monday" video montage of Renee's work on "Xena"

ROC: Whaddya think?

April: I just LOVE that Bangles' song! - They played it at my husband's inaugural

ROC: Isn't that nice

April: Well Rinny, gotta run, I just came by to say "Hey!"

ROC: Isn't that nice

April: (Leaving) Seeya later!

ROC: Momma, could you bring me the tweezers so I can pick up what little ego I have left?

Mom: Lucy's on the phone from New York

ROC: Nevermind

LL: Oh Renee, I just had lunch at 21!

ROC: Isn't that nice

LL: I've become great friends with Rosie and she's introducing me to all of these powerful industry people

ROC: Isn't that nice

LL: I'm doing a duet with Madonna on her new CD

ROC: Isn't that nice

LL: So, what have you been up to?

ROC: I just finished charm school

LL: Charm school? - Whatever for?

ROC: I've learned how to say "isn't that nice" instead of "FURK YOU"

Renee bangs down the receiver


ROC: (Whimpering) Sorry Momma

Mom: Ya know darn well ya coulda chipped a nail doin' that!

Meanwhile, "The Texas Xena Mafia" watch Renee with awe

Margaret: (Teary-eyed) Isn't she adorable?

Michelle: Shoot, she's downright amazin'!

Deanlu: Best thang outta Texas since Ross Perot!

Natalie: Hey ladies, how are we gonna pay for this? - They DON'T take "American Express!"

Adele: We'll just hafta wash dishes I guess...I GIT RENEE'S DISH

Renee and her publicist walk nearby
The women all jump up and form a line in front of Renee

Deanlu: We all luv' ya Hon and think yer mighty fine!

ROC: (Reading their shirts) What in blazes is "e-n-e-R-e?"


Adele: (Moving over) Sorry

ROC: (Now reading her name on their shirts) Y'all...

The women think she's going to say something nice


Pub: (Aside) Be euphemistic Renee...try "mentally halted"

ROC: I'se gonna halt ya upside the head if you don't git outta my face!

Adele: (Taking Renee's picture) Couldya maybe sign our breasts?


Natalie: Lucy calls us "Diehard Nutballs"


Michelle: But Ms. O'Connor, yer our hobby!

Renee runs for her purse and comes back

ROC: Look, here's $37.52...go make a hook-a-rug, buy some new shelf paper, grow a bonsai tree...ANYTHING

Adele: Oooh, I like the hook-a-rug idea

Deanlu: We can make a hook-a-rug of Renee!

ROC: (Fleeing out of the restaurant) AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Natalie: I think she's right, ladies - LOOK AT US

Michelle: Nat's right...imagine, we're professional adults goin' crazy over an actress

Deanlu: My husband just got back from duty and here I am

Margaret: We should be ashamed!


All five of them knock each other unconscious diving for it

Renee speeds down the highway in a red monster truck
A state trooper pulls her over

ROC: (Thinking) I know, if I'll tell him I'm part of the Dallas Cowboys organization, he'll let me go!

Trooper: License and registration, Ma'am


Trooper: 'Scuze me?

ROC: I swear officer, I wasn't drinkin'...although I SHOULDA been

Trooper: Wait a minute, I know you...

ROC: (To herself) Oh great, he'll probably want an 8x10 glossy of Lucy

Trooper: You were the girl in that "Darkman" movie

ROC: (All excited) THAT'S RIGHT

Trooper: Can you get me Arnold Vosloo's autograph?

Renee takes off and crushes the police car with her truck

Trooper: (Calling after her) How about Larry Drake's?

Hours later, Renee pulls into a Dairy Queen

Worker: What kind of ice-cream wouldya like?


Worker: Do ya know where ya are?

ROC: Can't I just git an RC cola please?"

Worker: No problem

A young boy goes up to Renee and kisses her hand

Boy: Ms. O'Connor, I just wanted ya to know how much I enjoy yer work

ROC: (Hugging the boy) Aw thanks Buckaroo, I guess bein' a hero isn't so bad after all

Boy: Hero? Jeff Bagwell is MY hero...but yer a big time hero to my folks

He points to two trembling adults in the corner wearing t-shirts with red hearts and Renee's picture on them

ROC: (To the worker) Where're yer air conditioning ducts?


Fan Fiction
Return to my Fan Fiction Page