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The following SPOOF is based on recent LL & ROC interviews. PLEASE, do not misconstrue anything here for an actual statement by Ms. Lawless or Ms. O'Connor (Gods help us all if they were!)
Renee, proudly wearing a black and gold football jersey, struts over to Lucy
ROC: Hey Lu
LL: Hey Nee
ROC: Like m'shirt?
LL: (Sighing) Sweetie, "Entertainment Tonight" called you a "Scene Stealer" NOT a "Pittsburgh Steeler"
ROC: (Ripping of her shirt) Oh, thank the Lord! - Y'all know this here is blasphemy back in Texas
Lucy takes a rolled-up newspaper and swats Renee on the nose
ROC: What was that for?
LL: Didn't you refer to yourself as "Bad Dog?"
ROC: No Lucy, MAD dog...MAD, MAD
Renee jumps around and howls
LL: Goodness, it was YOU who dated Gabriel Byrne!
LL: This actor I was on "The Tonight Show" with - We could've shot an entire episode in the amount of time it took him to tell his little story
ROC: But ya had a mighty good time, didn't ya?
LL: Superb - There were a bunch of fans in the audience and Jay gave me back rubs during commercial breaks
ROC: That was sweet o'him
LL: SWEET OF HIM? - I damn well told the bugger to do it or I'd sue his bloody chin off!
ROC: I still can't believe ya nearly killed yourself over that bloomin' comedy sketch
LL: No kidding, at least I got a beautiful Richard Tyler gown out of it
ROC: So, did Daisy have a good ol' time "trick or treatin'?"
LL: She made off like a bandit! - After we hit all the houses in Beverly Hills, we went over to Jay's where she got 85% stock in Hershey's and a new Dodge Viper
LL: Tell me, how was your "Pat Bullard" experience?
ROC: Didn't ya watch it?
LL: Sorry Love, I was wailing in pain at the time
ROC: Lordie be! - One uncorrupted soul
LL: Wasn't it fun for you?
ROC: Fun? FUN?
Renee falls to the floor crying
Lucy wipes her face with the jersey
LL: Would you like to talk about it?
ROC: (Composing herself) Yeah, that might help some, thank ya right kindly
LL: Why don't you start from the beginning?
ROC: OKAY - I'se sittin' all quite like just a-waitin' m'turn, when Pat calls his first guest...this crazy sex lady with her filthy filthy mouth
LL: I'm afraid that's required on every talk show these days
ROC: Ya don't unnerstand...M'WHOLE FAMILY WAS WATCHIN' - Great Granpappy had to ask Momma what a clitoris was!
LL: But you're not responsible for the other guests
ROC: Tell that to m'folks, I sneeze and they think all the lights in Hollywood dim
LL: No Darling, that's my family!
ROC: MAY I FINISH?
ROC: Now, while Missy Guttertalk was a-spewin' her garbage, "Ralph Mouth" was puttin' the moves on me!
LL: Hey, you mean Donny Most from "Happy Days?"
ROC: He wants to be called "Don"
LL: That really makes a difference
ROC: Anyways, I'se all "Ya know what? - I liked ya Mister when I was 7 but now it just aint gonna happen! - ZIP IT OR I CLIP IT"
LL: Then what?
Renee opens a pouch of "Red Man" and offers Lucy some
LL: No thank you Dear, I'm not sure it would work too well with the Darvon
ROC: (Taking a pinch) Next came this comedienne-slash-chef, tryin' to feed me some fried matzo thang
LL: Was it good?
ROC: How in blazes should I know? - I told her "I'se from Texas, y'all come back when ya got some pork ribs!"
LL: Imagine the nerve, cooking something near you without mesquite!
ROC: I'SE TELLIN' YA
LL: (Patting Renee's head) Poor baby
ROC: Now, on top of those two jokers, there was this "environmental magician" guy
LL: That sounds interesting
ROC: He tried to pull an aluminum can outta m'ear - DO Y'ALL KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS?
LL: So, what happened when you went on?
ROC: Well, I tried to maintain my feminine graces
Renee spits a "Rocking R" on the floor with the tobacco juice
LL: You've GOT to teach me that sometime!
ROC: As I'se a-walkin' out, Pat grabs a gal from the audience and she does that annoyin' yell o'yours
LL: How flattering
ROC: FLATTERIN' M'ASS - Thanks to you, I have one good eardrum left - This here lady FOLLOWED me after the show and kept on doin' it!
LL: I guess that was a bit strange
LL: I SAID...oh, anyway, then what happened?
ROC: HE HAD ME MOVIN' FURNITURE - It's bad enough I hafta do that back home at Threadgill's
LL: Not very considerate of him
ROC: Tell me, do ya see the words "U-Haul" on m'forehead?
LL: (Looking at Renee's forehead) No...only "666"
ROC: After all o'one question, I give m'martial arts demo
ROC: (Handing Lucy an invoice) No, not "ripper" - They'se claimin' I destroyed their "museum piece" table
LL: (Gasping) $15,000?
ROC: We'se been workin' on Xena for nearly two years, we aint even CLOSE to that kind of wampum!
LL: Wow, this really WAS a bad experience!
ROC: That aint the worst of it...whaddya think of m'green top and black hip huggers?
LL: I like that outfit on you!
ROC: Me too and so does everyone else...BUT
ROC: Momma don't...she HATES IT HATES IT HATES IT
LL: She doesn't like it?
ROC: She calls it the "Wal-Mart Hussy" look
LL: I guess she doesn't like it
ROC: Momma took it as a personal affront and now she aint talkin' to me!
LL: Don't worry Renee, I'm sure she'll come around
ROC: Ya know Lucy, Momma's also been a-wonderin' why ya called me your "mate" - Is we a couple o'swans?
LL: At least it's a tad more creative than "she's a sister, she's a friend, she's Lucy!"
ROC: Whaddya want me to say? - "she's fat, she's hairy, she's Leslie?"
LL: Let's just hope we don't have to do any more PR for awhile
ROC: Amen to that!
A messenger walks over and gives Lucy a memo
LL: OH HELL
LL: The publicity department just signed us up for 5 hours on the Internet
ROC: NOOOOO - ANYTHANG BUT THAT
LL: (Starting to shake) OH OH - I think my lungs are constricting
ROC: (Whimpering) Cattle stampede...Internet people...Cattle stampede...Internet people - Lucy, I'd rather be trampled by steer
LL: Hurry Renee, if we leave now, we can catch the last plane to Ulan Bator!
ROC: Wait, lemme get a shirt on
LL: (Running off) No time Hon...besides, it might help lower the ticket prices
ROC: (Right behind her) For that, y'all need your shirt off too!