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ROCk Talk & Lucy's Leno Lovefest

by Lizzy/Tendre

The following SPOOF is based on recent LL & ROC interviews. PLEASE, do not misconstrue anything here for an actual statement by Ms. Lawless or Ms. O'Connor (Gods help us all if they were!)

Renee, proudly wearing a black and gold football jersey, struts over to Lucy

ROC: Hey Lu

LL: Hey Nee

ROC: Like m'shirt?

LL: (Sighing) Sweetie, "Entertainment Tonight" called you a "Scene Stealer" NOT a "Pittsburgh Steeler"

ROC: (Ripping of her shirt) Oh, thank the Lord! - Y'all know this here is blasphemy back in Texas

Lucy takes a rolled-up newspaper and swats Renee on the nose

ROC: What was that for?

LL: Didn't you refer to yourself as "Bad Dog?"

ROC: No Lucy, MAD dog...MAD, MAD

Renee jumps around and howls

LL: Goodness, it was YOU who dated Gabriel Byrne!

ROC: Who?

LL: This actor I was on "The Tonight Show" with - We could've shot an entire episode in the amount of time it took him to tell his little story

ROC: But ya had a mighty good time, didn't ya?

LL: Superb - There were a bunch of fans in the audience and Jay gave me back rubs during commercial breaks

ROC: That was sweet o'him

LL: SWEET OF HIM? - I damn well told the bugger to do it or I'd sue his bloody chin off!

ROC: I still can't believe ya nearly killed yourself over that bloomin' comedy sketch

LL: No kidding, at least I got a beautiful Richard Tyler gown out of it

ROC: So, did Daisy have a good ol' time "trick or treatin'?"

LL: She made off like a bandit! - After we hit all the houses in Beverly Hills, we went over to Jay's where she got 85% stock in Hershey's and a new Dodge Viper

ROC: Cool!

LL: Tell me, how was your "Pat Bullard" experience?

ROC: Didn't ya watch it?

LL: Sorry Love, I was wailing in pain at the time

ROC: Lordie be! - One uncorrupted soul

LL: Wasn't it fun for you?

ROC: Fun? FUN?

Renee falls to the floor crying
Lucy wipes her face with the jersey

LL: Would you like to talk about it?

ROC: (Composing herself) Yeah, that might help some, thank ya right kindly

LL: Why don't you start from the beginning?

ROC: OKAY - I'se sittin' all quite like just a-waitin' m'turn, when Pat calls his first guest...this crazy sex lady with her filthy filthy mouth

LL: I'm afraid that's required on every talk show these days

ROC: Ya don't unnerstand...M'WHOLE FAMILY WAS WATCHIN' - Great Granpappy had to ask Momma what a clitoris was!

LL: But you're not responsible for the other guests

ROC: Tell that to m'folks, I sneeze and they think all the lights in Hollywood dim

LL: No Darling, that's my family!


LL: Sorry

ROC: Now, while Missy Guttertalk was a-spewin' her garbage, "Ralph Mouth" was puttin' the moves on me!

LL: Hey, you mean Donny Most from "Happy Days?"

ROC: He wants to be called "Don"

LL: That really makes a difference

ROC: Anyways, I'se all "Ya know what? - I liked ya Mister when I was 7 but now it just aint gonna happen! - ZIP IT OR I CLIP IT"

LL: Then what?

Renee opens a pouch of "Red Man" and offers Lucy some

LL: No thank you Dear, I'm not sure it would work too well with the Darvon

ROC: (Taking a pinch) Next came this comedienne-slash-chef, tryin' to feed me some fried matzo thang

LL: Was it good?

ROC: How in blazes should I know? - I told her "I'se from Texas, y'all come back when ya got some pork ribs!"

LL: Imagine the nerve, cooking something near you without mesquite!


LL: (Patting Renee's head) Poor baby

ROC: Now, on top of those two jokers, there was this "environmental magician" guy

LL: That sounds interesting

ROC: He tried to pull an aluminum can outta m'ear - DO Y'ALL KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT WAS?

LL: So, what happened when you went on?

ROC: Well, I tried to maintain my feminine graces

Renee spits a "Rocking R" on the floor with the tobacco juice

LL: You've GOT to teach me that sometime!

ROC: As I'se a-walkin' out, Pat grabs a gal from the audience and she does that annoyin' yell o'yours

LL: How flattering

ROC: FLATTERIN' M'ASS - Thanks to you, I have one good eardrum left - This here lady FOLLOWED me after the show and kept on doin' it!

LL: I guess that was a bit strange

ROC: Huh?

LL: I SAID...oh, anyway, then what happened?

ROC: HE HAD ME MOVIN' FURNITURE - It's bad enough I hafta do that back home at Threadgill's

LL: Not very considerate of him

ROC: Tell me, do ya see the words "U-Haul" on m'forehead?

LL: (Looking at Renee's forehead) No...only "666"

ROC: After all o'one question, I give m'martial arts demo

LL: Ripper!

ROC: (Handing Lucy an invoice) No, not "ripper" - They'se claimin' I destroyed their "museum piece" table

LL: (Gasping) $15,000?

ROC: We'se been workin' on Xena for nearly two years, we aint even CLOSE to that kind of wampum!

LL: Wow, this really WAS a bad experience!

ROC: That aint the worst of it...whaddya think of m'green top and black hip huggers?

LL: I like that outfit on you!

ROC: Me too and so does everyone else...BUT

LL: But?


LL: She doesn't like it?

ROC: She calls it the "Wal-Mart Hussy" look

LL: I guess she doesn't like it

ROC: Momma took it as a personal affront and now she aint talkin' to me!

LL: Don't worry Renee, I'm sure she'll come around

ROC: Ya know Lucy, Momma's also been a-wonderin' why ya called me your "mate" - Is we a couple o'swans?

LL: At least it's a tad more creative than "she's a sister, she's a friend, she's Lucy!"

ROC: Whaddya want me to say? - "she's fat, she's hairy, she's Leslie?"

LL: Let's just hope we don't have to do any more PR for awhile

ROC: Amen to that!

A messenger walks over and gives Lucy a memo


ROC: Whassamatter?

LL: The publicity department just signed us up for 5 hours on the Internet


LL: (Starting to shake) OH OH - I think my lungs are constricting

ROC: (Whimpering) Cattle stampede...Internet people...Cattle stampede...Internet people - Lucy, I'd rather be trampled by steer

LL: Hurry Renee, if we leave now, we can catch the last plane to Ulan Bator!

ROC: Wait, lemme get a shirt on

LL: (Running off) No time Hon...besides, it might help lower the ticket prices

ROC: (Right behind her) For that, y'all need your shirt off too!


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