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Now, my latest "work" may be somewhat different than you're used to. This "experimental idea" came in the form of a challenge from a guy in Idaho..."Hey 'Tendre, when are you going to break out of that inane Movie/TV rut of yours and do something DARING - do you have it in you, Girleeeeeee?" Well, that's now up for you to decide!
LL & ROC arrive for an interview with the print media. Renee walks into a deli and meets a reporter from the "Times"
Reporter: (Shaking Renee's hand) Thank you for meeting me here Ms. O'Connor, will Ms. Lawless be along shortly?
ROC: Yeah, she's right behind me, I had to check out the restaurant first
Reporter: Is she afraid of over-zealous fans?
ROC: No...ceilin' fans...Lucy can't stand to have her hair blown - ITS OKAY PUDDIN', IT'S CENTRAL AIR
A 4'11'', 90-pound young woman shyly comes over
Reporter: Oh, I see she's brought her daughter
ROC: That aint Daisy, that's Lucy!
Reporter: WHAT? But...she's so small
ROC: Everyone looks bigger on TV but you'se a print reporter so I guess y'all wouldn't know that
Reporter: Sorry, I'm just a little stunned at the sight of her
ROC: Aint your Momma ever taught ya no manners? - HEY PACO, I NEEDS ME A KIDDIE BOOSTER SEAT OVER HERE PRONTO OR I CALL THE EE-N-AY-S-AY
Lucy climbs into the chair and shakes the reporter's hand
ROC: Please be careful shakin' her hand, she has brittle bones
Reporter: Uh, it's nice to meet you, Ms. Lawless
Reporter: Excuse me, I couldn't hear you
ROC: Nobody can...Lucy is very soft spoken, she thinks the "invisible priests" will come after her again if she raises her voice above .005274 decibels
LL: (Snuggling against ROC) I...riests...no
ROC: Don't worry, Babydoll, we'se in a deli, no priests here
Reporter: How does Xena do that "yell thing" then?
ROC: Special effects
The reporter notices that Lucy still has her sunglasses on
Reporter: Well, I see you've got the "Hollywood Celebrity" thing down with the shades
ROC: It's no affectation, Lucy's eyes are very sensitive to light, she needs to wear 'em!
Lucy lifts up her glasses and squeaks in fear
Reporter: What's wrong?
ROC: I'se gonna hafta ask ya to stop usin' that there pen, blue ink frightens Lucy - black or red is fine, although we still can't gauge her reaction to green...
The reporter switches pens
Reporter: Shall we order?
ROC: I'se just havin' a glass of water
Reporter: What about Lucy?
ROC: Oh, Lucy can't have nothin', she's allergic to just about everythang
Reporter: Then how can she be around a horse?
ROC: Camera tricks
Reporter: Well, let me start off by asking your opinion on the show's...
A waiter drops a dish
Lucy jumps on top of Renee crying
Reporter: Is...is she OK?
ROC: (Rocking Lucy in her arms) She will be, she just can't tolerate loud noises...now what was ya sayin'?
Reporter: Um, right...how do you feel about the show's overwhelming popularity?
ROC: Yeah, I think it's pretty cool as well - I mean it pays the bills n' all but it's sure great providin' honest to goodness, wholesome, family entertainment
Renee unbuttons her top and begins to nurse Lucy
Reporter: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ROC: It's her feedin' time, mother's milk is the only thing she can digest
Reporter: But...I...uh...well...when did you become a mother, Ms. O'Connor?
ROC: Me a Momma? SHOOT NO, I'se this way 'cause of NASA
ROC: Yeah, m'whole family has "special powers"
Reporter: Special Powers?
ROC: They used to dump the excess rocket fuel in our pond - ya should see the way my Uncle Roy makes sonic booms!
Reporter: Fascinating...let's move on to another question
ROC: (Burping Lucy) Just a sec'
ROC: Nice one, Sugarbear
Reporter: Tell me, what makes this show so appealing?
Lucy points to her recent lunch
ROC: Knock that off, right now!
Lucy hugs Renee and gives her a small kiss on the cheek
Reporter: Aw, how cute
ROC: Ya see? - That's what people like, two leadin' ladies who care for n' respect each other...
Lucy starts slamming Renee in the arm with a pickle jar lid
ROC: Y'all won't find this level of camaraderie on that there "Melrose Place" - Stop it Lucy, you'se givin' Nee Nee bruises - Of course, bein' good buddies is just part o'the charm - Lucy, s'help me, if ya don't stop, I'se shovin' a dill in your ear!
Reporter: What else do the viewers find enchanting about you and your characters?
ROC: Sure, we IS total babes but it's more than the just the beauty factor or the skimpy costumes...although, those don't hurt none either
Reporter: Then, what is it?
ROC: Yep, we'se the female equivalent of "Batman & Robin" - people now wanna see women portrayed in a strong, heroic fashion!
Lucy starts to slump on the table
ROC: (Taking out some IV tubing) 'Scuze us for a minute, it's time for her daily direct blood transfusion
Reporter: Wow, I guess she's lucky to have a co-star with the same blood type
ROC: Luck don't got nothin' to do with it, I had to see a hematologist before I could meet with the casting director
Reporter: Um, OK...while you're doing...that...I'll just ask another question...
Lucy begins to sing to herself
ROC: Don't mind the Lil' Darlin', she just likes showin' off her oral skills
Reporter: One of many?
ROC: You bet
ROC: (Popping a Pez in Lucy's mouth) "Tandenborstel" - good girl!
ROC: It's Dutch for "toothbrush" - Lucy here knows 26 languages - she does all kinds of tricks for Pez
Lucy taps Renee with her foot
ROC: I said "does" not "turns"...open up them ears of yours, Missy
Reporter: What a...unique...way to pass the time
ROC: As well as wardin' off hypoglycemia - Hey Lucy, what's "fork" in Greek?
ROC: (Tossing Lucy another Pez) "Pirou'ni"...great...now let the reporter here try one
Reporter: I...uh...really don't know...
ROC: (Handing the reporter some Pez) C'mon now, it's more fun than feedin' the Killer Whales at Sea World - at least ya don't have to pat her tongue...unless, of course, ya wanna!
ROC: HOLD YOUR HORSES N' WAIT FOR THE QUESTION
Reporter: Maybe I should just...
ROC: Now remember, she gets lemon for Indo-European, grape for Uralic and the all-coveted cherry for Esperanto
Reporter: (Losing patience) I would like to ask some questions, that's it!
ROC: Maybe y'all should order some decaf
ROC: No, Sweetie, game's over
Reporter: In your opinion, what do you think the audience sees in Xena and Gabrielle?
ROC: Well, I think people see what the wanna see in Xena and Gabrielle...personally, I see two paper clips dancin' atop uneaten cake frostin'
ROC: And Lucy here sees them as a Cartesian grid, Xena bein' the "X-axis" of course - I guess, it's all in the eye of the beholder
Reporter: Some would say that your characters are more than just friends
ROC: OKAY, I'se gonna stop ya right here - this question is so, so...
ROC: Hackneyed, thank ya my little Thesaurus Rex - Now why do we always git asked this question? Kevin and Michael don't EVER git asked this question!
Reporter: Based on your significant alternative lifestyle demographic, I believe it's a valid one
ROC: And Lucy and I appreciate bein' a syndicated envoy to all segments of society BUT it's also kinda sad that people in this here country are always readin' "sex" into the most innocent of gestures
Lucy crawls under the table and burrows her head up Renee's skirt
Reporter: WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW?
ROC: It's her naptime - Lucy can only sleep in dark, warm places or she becomes aphasic
ROC: Followin' up that there question, I reckon y'all didn't read m'bio
ROC: I'se from Texas
ROC: Lemme repeat that more slow-like, IIIIIIIIIIII'SE FRRRRRRRRROM T-E-X-A-S
Reporter: I'm afraid I'm missing your point
ROC: (Sighing) Now lissen carefully, ya coastal city pen pusher, IF I EVER played a part which called for some messin' 'tween me and another gal, why m'kinfolk would take me out to the oil fields and fill m'behind full o'buckshot! - AND I LIKE SITTIN' DOWN
Reporter: Gotcha...let's move on to some other subjects
ROC: Round' em up, pardner!
Reporter: What do you want for yourself after Xena ends?
ROC: Oh, I'd like to direct...buy a couple o'trailer parks and have m'own chain o'chicken restaurants!
Reporter: Chicken restaurants?
ROC: Yessiree, and I even gots me a name picked out for it..."Chick n' Stick!"
ROC: I'se got it ALL covered with this here name - first, it rhymes...anythang in the South that rhymes is considered classy
Reporter: That's good to know
ROC: Two, the suggestive play on words - it'll bring in the hombres, thinkin' it's another "Hooters" n' all
Reporter: And we can't have too many of them
ROC: Finally, it's a subtle reference to Gabrielle - all m'fans will be comin'
Reporter: Be sure to choose washable seat coverings
ROC: Now, I think Lucy should answer your question for herself
Renee pats her snoring skirt
ROC: Hey Lucygirl...Lulu...DANG IT ALL, she's in delta-wave, I'se gotta get drastic on her
Reporter: Do I need to avert my eyes?
ROC: (Shouting down to Lucy) We all know New Zealand is just a wannabe-province of Australia!
LL: (Jumping up) FURK OFF, YOU FREAKING REDNECK ELF
ROC: She's awake now, go ahead n' ask!
Reporter: (Clearing the throat) So, Ms. Lawless, what do you want for yourself after Xena?
ROC: She wants to be ruler of Melanesia, Micronesia, and most of Polynesia
ROC: (Whispering in the reporter's ear) She don't want nothin' to do with that there Easter Island, she thinks them big stone heads is gonna eat her
LL: (Overhearing) I...ai...no
ROC: Don't worry, Buttercup, we'se still in a deli, no Moai here
Reporter: So, what makes her think she'll be good leader?
ROC: We'se already got our own cult followin' on the 'Net - Lucy and I argue about what to do with 'em all...I say shave their heads but she wants 'em handin' out flowers at airports
ROC: Yeah, yeah, yeah - I SAID they could have tambourines, quit your bitchin'!
LL: (Starting to quiver) ...ee
ROC: Cross your legs n' hold it!
ROC: (Getting up) Sorry, Lucy has to go to the bathroom
Reporter: She can't go by herself? - What am I saying, of course not...
ROC: We'll be right back
Reporter: (Also getting up) Actually, I think I have more than enough for the article...thank you both very much!
The reporter shakes Renee's hand, lightly brushes Lucy's pinky finger and flees out the door
ROC: (Picking up Lucy) Whoa...them journalists sure is a strange breed
ROC: Psycho for sure!
Renee starts to run and kicks an elderly couple out of the way
ROC: LOOK OUT, NIAGARA FALLS COMIN' THROUGH