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Is There A Spin Doctor?

by Lizzy/Tendre

Now, my latest "work" may be somewhat different than you're used to. This "experimental idea" came in the form of a challenge from a guy in Idaho..."Hey 'Tendre, when are you going to break out of that inane Movie/TV rut of yours and do something DARING - do you have it in you, Girleeeeeee?" Well, that's now up for you to decide!

LL & ROC arrive for an interview with the print media. Renee walks into a deli and meets a reporter from the "Times"

Reporter: (Shaking Renee's hand) Thank you for meeting me here Ms. O'Connor, will Ms. Lawless be along shortly?

ROC: Yeah, she's right behind me, I had to check out the restaurant first

Reporter: Is she afraid of over-zealous fans?

ROC: No...ceilin' fans...Lucy can't stand to have her hair blown - ITS OKAY PUDDIN', IT'S CENTRAL AIR

A 4'11'', 90-pound young woman shyly comes over

Reporter: Oh, I see she's brought her daughter

ROC: That aint Daisy, that's Lucy!

Reporter: WHAT? But...she's so small

ROC: Everyone looks bigger on TV but you'se a print reporter so I guess y'all wouldn't know that

Reporter: Sorry, I'm just a little stunned at the sight of her


Lucy climbs into the chair and shakes the reporter's hand

LL: ...ow

ROC: Please be careful shakin' her hand, she has brittle bones

Reporter: Uh, it's nice to meet you, Ms. Lawless


Reporter: Excuse me, I couldn't hear you

ROC: Nobody can...Lucy is very soft spoken, she thinks the "invisible priests" will come after her again if she raises her voice above .005274 decibels

LL: (Snuggling against ROC)

ROC: Don't worry, Babydoll, we'se in a deli, no priests here

Reporter: How does Xena do that "yell thing" then?

LL: ...cts

ROC: Special effects

The reporter notices that Lucy still has her sunglasses on

Reporter: Well, I see you've got the "Hollywood Celebrity" thing down with the shades

ROC: It's no affectation, Lucy's eyes are very sensitive to light, she needs to wear 'em!

Lucy lifts up her glasses and squeaks in fear

Reporter: What's wrong?

ROC: I'se gonna hafta ask ya to stop usin' that there pen, blue ink frightens Lucy - black or red is fine, although we still can't gauge her reaction to green...

The reporter switches pens

Reporter: Shall we order?

ROC: I'se just havin' a glass of water

Reporter: What about Lucy?

ROC: Oh, Lucy can't have nothin', she's allergic to just about everythang

Reporter: Then how can she be around a horse?

LL: ...cks

ROC: Camera tricks

Reporter: Well, let me start off by asking your opinion on the show's...

A waiter drops a dish
Lucy jumps on top of Renee crying

Reporter: she OK?

ROC: (Rocking Lucy in her arms) She will be, she just can't tolerate loud what was ya sayin'?

Reporter: Um, do you feel about the show's overwhelming popularity?

LL: ...l

ROC: Yeah, I think it's pretty cool as well - I mean it pays the bills n' all but it's sure great providin' honest to goodness, wholesome, family entertainment

Renee unbuttons her top and begins to nurse Lucy


ROC: It's her feedin' time, mother's milk is the only thing she can digest

Reporter: But...I...uh...well...when did you become a mother, Ms. O'Connor?

ROC: Me a Momma? SHOOT NO, I'se this way 'cause of NASA

Reporter: NASA?

ROC: Yeah, m'whole family has "special powers"

Reporter: Special Powers?

ROC: They used to dump the excess rocket fuel in our pond - ya should see the way my Uncle Roy makes sonic booms!

Reporter: Fascinating...let's move on to another question

ROC: (Burping Lucy) Just a sec'

LL: ...p

ROC: Nice one, Sugarbear

Reporter: Tell me, what makes this show so appealing?

Lucy points to her recent lunch

ROC: Knock that off, right now!

Lucy hugs Renee and gives her a small kiss on the cheek

Reporter: Aw, how cute

ROC: Ya see? - That's what people like, two leadin' ladies who care for n' respect each other...

Lucy starts slamming Renee in the arm with a pickle jar lid

ROC: Y'all won't find this level of camaraderie on that there "Melrose Place" - Stop it Lucy, you'se givin' Nee Nee bruises - Of course, bein' good buddies is just part o'the charm - Lucy, s'help me, if ya don't stop, I'se shovin' a dill in your ear!

Reporter: What else do the viewers find enchanting about you and your characters?


ROC: Sure, we IS total babes but it's more than the just the beauty factor or the skimpy costumes...although, those don't hurt none either

Reporter: Then, what is it?


ROC: Yep, we'se the female equivalent of "Batman & Robin" - people now wanna see women portrayed in a strong, heroic fashion!

Lucy starts to slump on the table

ROC: (Taking out some IV tubing) 'Scuze us for a minute, it's time for her daily direct blood transfusion

Reporter: Wow, I guess she's lucky to have a co-star with the same blood type

ROC: Luck don't got nothin' to do with it, I had to see a hematologist before I could meet with the casting director

Reporter: Um, OK...while you're doing...that...I'll just ask another question...

Lucy begins to sing to herself

Reporter: Pardon?

ROC: Don't mind the Lil' Darlin', she just likes showin' off her oral skills

Reporter: One of many?

ROC: You bet

LL: ...stel

ROC: (Popping a Pez in Lucy's mouth) "Tandenborstel" - good girl!

Reporter: Tanden...huh?

ROC: It's Dutch for "toothbrush" - Lucy here knows 26 languages - she does all kinds of tricks for Pez

Lucy taps Renee with her foot

ROC: I said "does" not "turns" up them ears of yours, Missy

Reporter: What a...unique...way to pass the time

ROC: As well as wardin' off hypoglycemia - Hey Lucy, what's "fork" in Greek?

LL: ...'ni

ROC: (Tossing Lucy another Pez) "Pirou'ni" let the reporter here try one

Reporter: I...uh...really don't know...

ROC: (Handing the reporter some Pez) C'mon now, it's more fun than feedin' the Killer Whales at Sea World - at least ya don't have to pat her tongue...unless, of course, ya wanna!

LL: ...gua


Reporter: Maybe I should just...

ROC: Now remember, she gets lemon for Indo-European, grape for Uralic and the all-coveted cherry for Esperanto

Reporter: (Losing patience) I would like to ask some questions, that's it!

ROC: Maybe y'all should order some decaf

LL: ...ffe

ROC: No, Sweetie, game's over

Reporter: In your opinion, what do you think the audience sees in Xena and Gabrielle?

ROC: Well, I think people see what the wanna see in Xena and Gabrielle...personally, I see two paper clips dancin' atop uneaten cake frostin'


ROC: And Lucy here sees them as a Cartesian grid, Xena bein' the "X-axis" of course - I guess, it's all in the eye of the beholder

Reporter: Some would say that your characters are more than just friends

ROC: OKAY, I'se gonna stop ya right here - this question is so, so...

LL: ...yed

ROC: Hackneyed, thank ya my little Thesaurus Rex - Now why do we always git asked this question? Kevin and Michael don't EVER git asked this question!

Reporter: Based on your significant alternative lifestyle demographic, I believe it's a valid one

ROC: And Lucy and I appreciate bein' a syndicated envoy to all segments of society BUT it's also kinda sad that people in this here country are always readin' "sex" into the most innocent of gestures

Lucy crawls under the table and burrows her head up Renee's skirt


ROC: It's her naptime - Lucy can only sleep in dark, warm places or she becomes aphasic

Reporter: Alright...

ROC: Followin' up that there question, I reckon y'all didn't read m'bio

Reporter: Sorry?

ROC: I'se from Texas

Reporter: Yes...and?

ROC: Lemme repeat that more slow-like, IIIIIIIIIIII'SE FRRRRRRRRROM T-E-X-A-S

Reporter: I'm afraid I'm missing your point

ROC: (Sighing) Now lissen carefully, ya coastal city pen pusher, IF I EVER played a part which called for some messin' 'tween me and another gal, why m'kinfolk would take me out to the oil fields and fill m'behind full o'buckshot! - AND I LIKE SITTIN' DOWN

Reporter: Gotcha...let's move on to some other subjects

ROC: Round' em up, pardner!

Reporter: What do you want for yourself after Xena ends?

ROC: Oh, I'd like to a couple o'trailer parks and have m'own chain o'chicken restaurants!

Reporter: Chicken restaurants?

ROC: Yessiree, and I even gots me a name picked out for it..."Chick n' Stick!"

Reporter: Catchy

ROC: I'se got it ALL covered with this here name - first, it rhymes...anythang in the South that rhymes is considered classy

Reporter: That's good to know

ROC: Two, the suggestive play on words - it'll bring in the hombres, thinkin' it's another "Hooters" n' all

Reporter: And we can't have too many of them

ROC: Finally, it's a subtle reference to Gabrielle - all m'fans will be comin'

Reporter: Be sure to choose washable seat coverings

ROC: Now, I think Lucy should answer your question for herself

Renee pats her snoring skirt

ROC: Hey Lucygirl...Lulu...DANG IT ALL, she's in delta-wave, I'se gotta get drastic on her

Reporter: Do I need to avert my eyes?

ROC: (Shouting down to Lucy) We all know New Zealand is just a wannabe-province of Australia!


ROC: She's awake now, go ahead n' ask!

Reporter: (Clearing the throat) So, Ms. Lawless, what do you want for yourself after Xena?

LL: ...esia...esia...t...esia

ROC: She wants to be ruler of Melanesia, Micronesia, and most of Polynesia

Reporter: Most?

ROC: (Whispering in the reporter's ear) She don't want nothin' to do with that there Easter Island, she thinks them big stone heads is gonna eat her

LL: (Overhearing)

ROC: Don't worry, Buttercup, we'se still in a deli, no Moai here

Reporter: So, what makes her think she'll be good leader?

ROC: We'se already got our own cult followin' on the 'Net - Lucy and I argue about what to do with 'em all...I say shave their heads but she wants 'em handin' out flowers at airports

LL: ...ines...ines

ROC: Yeah, yeah, yeah - I SAID they could have tambourines, quit your bitchin'!

LL: (Starting to quiver)

ROC: Cross your legs n' hold it!


ROC: (Getting up) Sorry, Lucy has to go to the bathroom

Reporter: She can't go by herself? - What am I saying, of course not...

ROC: We'll be right back

Reporter: (Also getting up) Actually, I think I have more than enough for the article...thank you both very much!

The reporter shakes Renee's hand, lightly brushes Lucy's pinky finger and flees out the door

ROC: (Picking up Lucy) Whoa...them journalists sure is a strange breed

LL: cho

ROC: Psycho for sure!

Renee starts to run and kicks an elderly couple out of the way



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