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As The Chackrum Twirls

by Lizzy/Tendre

Hey there! In homage to the recent soap opera-like twists and turns in and around the world of Xena, I give you...AS THE CHACKRUM TWIRLS

Gabrielle is seen running down a dirt path with Xena chasing behind her
Violins play in the background

Xena: Gabrielle, wait!


Xena: Let me explain!

Gab: No, leave me alone


Gab: (Turning around) Look, I just can't deal with anymore long-lost relatives

Xena: Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about's hard to keep track of "All My Children"

Gab: And you didn't tell me about your brother, Taurus

Xena: Why would I want to tell ANYONE about Taurus?

A rustling is heard in the bushes, a man jumps out

Xena: Lyceus!

Lyceus: Hey, Sis


Xena: So did I

Lyceus: The Fates told me that you didn't spill ENOUGH blood before, I am

Xena: Good to have you back, Brother

Lyceus: It's like I've been living in "Another World" all along

Gab: (Running off again) I can't take this!

Xena: (Grabbing Gabrielle) I DON'T UNDERSTAND...YOU KNEW I HAD A PAST

Gab: Several, apparently

Xena: That never bothered you before

Gab: Well, it's bothering me now!

Xena: (Voice starting to crack) But...but I thought you LIKED my enigmatic side?

Gab: A little mystery here and there is cute, even sexy, BUT now it's just downright ABSURD

Xena: (Eyes starting to tear) What are you trying to say?

Gab: (Sobbing) I...I can' around you right now...I MUST LEAVE

Xena: NOOOOO - Don't leave me, DON'T YOU LEAVE ME

Gab: Stop pounding on my chest, I'm fully conscious!

Xena: Who's going to tell me stories?

Gab: I'm sure there's a bard in the next town who just happens to be your cousin

Xena: (On her knees) WHERE - Where are you going to go?

Gab: Pine Valley is nice this time of year...maybe Salem...I'm not sure, but I DO need time away from you, Xena!

Xena: Alright Gabrielle, if that's what you think you need, but PLEASE, send me a message when you get to "The City"

Gab: (Walking off) We'll see

Lyceus: (Squinting) Hey Xena, I think I just saw Father...or was it Apollo...or maybe Agamemnon

Sinister organ music plays
Lilla and Joxer are in bed

Lilla: Oh,'s soooo

Joxer: Big?

Lilla: NO, our's soooo...EVIL

Joxer: Oh yeah, that

Lilla: We have Xena and Gabrielle separated, but now...

Joxer: (Excited) NOW?

Lilla: No, not now

Joxer: When?

Lilla: In a minute

Joxer: That's all I need

Lilla: SHUT UP AND LISTEN - I have a secret weapon to make sure they're NEVER reunited again as long "As The World Turns"

Joxer: (Covering his nose) Secret weapon? Nobody said anything about weapons...

Lilla: Yes, my dear, a secret weapon - I'll FINALLY get my sister back and Ares can have his favorite bit...excuse me, "warrior"

Joxer: But, what do I get?

Lilla: (Smirking) Now

Joxer: Now? OH I'm not in the mood

Lilla: Pity

A few weeks later, Gabrielle is sunning herself by the sea Iolaus joins her

Iolaus: Are you enjoying yourself here at "Club Medea?"

Gab: Ummm, wonderful! - Yesterday, I swam naked with the dolphins

Iolaus: Dolphins? - THAT'S SICK

Gab: Hey, at least they sent flowers

Iolaus: You're getting burnt, let me put some lotion on you

Gab: (Wistful) Xena would usually knock down a tree and hold it over my head...but lotion will do

Iolaus: Great - By the way, Gabrielle, Xena springing all those hidden relatives on you was a mean thing to do


Iolaus: (Rubbing her back) Very mean

Gab: Imagine all the birthday and holiday gifts I'd have to buy!

Iolaus: How inconsiderate...and mean

Gab: (Sitting up) You know Iolaus, I think Xena is mean to me

Iolaus: Whatever do you mean?

Gab: I dunno, but I can't help thinking that

Iolaus: Here's an about we make out?

Gab: Really? - I'm not sure we should

Iolaus: C'mon Gabrielle, you've got but "One Life To Live"

Gab: Well, OK

Romantic saxophone music begins to play
Lilla and Joxer watch Gabrielle and Iolaus from a boat


Joxer: (Out of breath) I'm doing my best

Lilla: No, you fool, Gabrielle and Iolaus - Once he gets her pregnant, she'll HAVE TO come home to her family

Joxer: What makes you think he won't marry her?

Lilla: The day Iolaus gets married is the day Hades comes down with hypothermia

Joxer: (Pointing) HEY, WHO'S THAT GUY?

Lilla: (Slamming down her fist) NOOOOO - WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

A towel boy interrupts Gabrielle and Iolaus

Gab: (Looking up) Taurus!

Iolaus: This Xena relative thing IS out of control

Taurus: (Handing Gabrielle a drink) A Mr. "Bottlenose" sent you this, Gab

Gab: are you doing?

Taurus: Not bad considering...actually, I thought YOU'D be more stressed out about the accident

Gab: Accident? What accident?

Taurus: You don't know?

Gab: What are you talking about, Taurus? - TELL ME!

Taurus: Xena launched an attack on Burbankia...

Gab: (Gasping) No

Taurus: The evil warlord, Lennos, had all of the roads paved in asphalt, Argo slipped and she fell!


Taurus: Argo? She's fine

Gab: (Sighing) Thank Zeus

Iolaus: Hey Gab, let's go get that "surf n' turf" brunch special

Gab: (Getting up) Sounds good

Taurus: WAIT...don't you want to know about Xena?

Gab: Oh Xena's fine, Xena's ALWAYS fine

Taurus: Not this time...

Gab: (Stunned) WHAT?

Taurus: She's in a coma at "General Hospital"

Gab: (Running off) NOOOOO

Iolaus: Gabrielle, COME BACK - the brunch special only applies to couples!

Taurus: (Winking) Hey Iolaus, I can get us an employee discount

The next day, Gabrielle shows up at the hospital
She wades through tons of scrolls and sacrificed sheep sent by worried villagers
A soft flute solo begins to play

Gab: (Kneeling by Xena's bed) I don't believe this, Xena...of all the STUPID things to do, I could understand going after Beverlae Hills or Malibuis but BURBANKIA? WHY?

Xena remains still

Gab: (Low whisper) You always said I was your "Guiding Light" - I should have been here to stop you

Hercules enters the room

Herc: Is she going to be alright?

Gab: OF COURSE, once she wakes up and her pelvis fractures heal

Herc: (Distraught) PELVIS FRACTURES? - Will she be able to...

Gab: Don't worry, she'll walk again

Herc: No, actually I was know...

Gab: (Indignant) No relations for awhile!

Herc: (Leaving) OK, tell her Herc says "Hey" if she wakes up


Herc: My hair needs conditioning...'bye

Gabrielle focuses back on Xena

Gab: (Sniffling) Xena...I can't stand seeing you like this - You're "The Bold and the Beautiful" and I'm "The Young and the Restless" but right now, we're the sick and the sappy!

Xena is motionless

Gab: (Weeping) I'M SO SORRY, XENA - I don't care how many long-lost relatives you have just please wake up...PLEASE

Callisto crashes through the door

Cal: (To Gab) Hello...MOTHER

Gab: What?

Cal: Yes, I am YOUR daughter...the daughter you and XENA had when she was a man

Gab: WHAT?

Cal: Ooops...that's next season's storyline, sorry!

Xena begins to stir

Xena: Gabrielle...Gabrielle...Gabrielle

Gab: (Slowly waking up and looking around) Huh? - Wh...where?

Xena: (Splashing in a pond) Naptime's over, come on and get a bath

Gab: XENA...are you alright?

Xena: Are you?

Gab: How's your pelvis?


Gab: You didn't launch an attack on Burbankia?

Xena: Now why would I EVER want to attack Burbankia? - Malibuis, maybe

Gab: Thank the gods, Callisto isn't our daughter

Xena: Have you been eating that nutbread again?

Gab: (Jumping in the water) Oh Xena, you were in just seemed so real

Xena: Gabrielle, it was all a dream, a terrible terrible dream

Gab: (Swimming over) What a relief!

Xena: Funny, I've been having really weird dreams too - first I'm being chased by a giant and then you bite my neck

Gab: Oooh, I kinda like that dream

Xena: We better watch what we eat before bed

Gab: (Turning serious) Could you promise me something, Xena?

Xena: If I can

Gab: No more secret family members and never EVER ride Argo on asphalt!

Xena: (Smiling) I promise, Gabrielle...for all "The Days of Our Lives!"

To Lucy and Renee, "Zivile"


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