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Hey there! In homage to the recent soap opera-like twists and turns in and around the world of Xena, I give you...AS THE CHACKRUM TWIRLS
Gabrielle is seen running down a dirt path with Xena chasing behind her
Violins play in the background
Xena: Gabrielle, wait!
Gab: HOW MANY MORE, XENA?
Xena: Let me explain!
Gab: No, leave me alone
Gab: (Turning around) Look, I just can't deal with anymore long-lost relatives
Xena: Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Solan...it's hard to keep track of "All My Children"
Gab: And you didn't tell me about your brother, Taurus
Xena: Why would I want to tell ANYONE about Taurus?
A rustling is heard in the bushes, a man jumps out
Lyceus: Hey, Sis
Gab: LYCEUS? - I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD
Xena: So did I
Lyceus: The Fates told me that you didn't spill ENOUGH blood before, and...well...here I am
Xena: Good to have you back, Brother
Lyceus: It's like I've been living in "Another World" all along
Gab: (Running off again) I can't take this!
Xena: (Grabbing Gabrielle) I DON'T UNDERSTAND...YOU KNEW I HAD A PAST
Gab: Several, apparently
Xena: That never bothered you before
Gab: Well, it's bothering me now!
Xena: (Voice starting to crack) But...but I thought you LIKED my enigmatic side?
Gab: A little mystery here and there is cute, even sexy, BUT now it's just downright ABSURD
Xena: (Eyes starting to tear) What are you trying to say?
Gab: (Sobbing) I...I can't...be around you right now...I MUST LEAVE
Xena: NOOOOO - Don't leave me, DON'T YOU LEAVE ME
Gab: Stop pounding on my chest, I'm fully conscious!
Xena: Who's going to tell me stories?
Gab: I'm sure there's a bard in the next town who just happens to be your cousin
Xena: (On her knees) WHERE - Where are you going to go?
Gab: Pine Valley is nice this time of year...maybe Salem...I'm not sure, but I DO need time away from you, Xena!
Xena: Alright Gabrielle, if that's what you think you need, but PLEASE, send me a message when you get to "The City"
Gab: (Walking off) We'll see
Lyceus: (Squinting) Hey Xena, I think I just saw Father...or was it Apollo...or maybe Agamemnon
Sinister organ music plays
Lilla and Joxer are in bed
Lilla: Oh, Joxer...it's soooo
Lilla: NO, our plan...it's soooo...EVIL
Joxer: Oh yeah, that
Lilla: We have Xena and Gabrielle separated, but now...
Joxer: (Excited) NOW?
Lilla: No, not now
Lilla: In a minute
Joxer: That's all I need
Lilla: SHUT UP AND LISTEN - I have a secret weapon to make sure they're NEVER reunited again as long "As The World Turns"
Joxer: (Covering his nose) Secret weapon? Nobody said anything about weapons...
Lilla: Yes, my dear, a secret weapon - I'll FINALLY get my sister back and Ares can have his favorite bit...excuse me, "warrior"
Joxer: But, what do I get?
Lilla: (Smirking) Now
Joxer: Now? OH NOW...NOW...now I'm not in the mood
A few weeks later, Gabrielle is sunning herself by the sea Iolaus joins her
Iolaus: Are you enjoying yourself here at "Club Medea?"
Gab: Ummm, wonderful! - Yesterday, I swam naked with the dolphins
Iolaus: Dolphins? - THAT'S SICK
Gab: Hey, at least they sent flowers
Iolaus: You're getting burnt, let me put some lotion on you
Gab: (Wistful) Xena would usually knock down a tree and hold it over my head...but lotion will do
Iolaus: Great - By the way, Gabrielle, Xena springing all those hidden relatives on you was a mean thing to do
Gab: WASN'T IT JUST SO?
Iolaus: (Rubbing her back) Very mean
Gab: Imagine all the birthday and holiday gifts I'd have to buy!
Iolaus: How inconsiderate...and mean
Gab: (Sitting up) You know Iolaus, I think Xena is mean to me
Iolaus: Whatever do you mean?
Gab: I dunno, but I can't help thinking that
Iolaus: Here's an idea...how about we make out?
Gab: Really? - I'm not sure we should
Iolaus: C'mon Gabrielle, you've got but "One Life To Live"
Gab: Well, OK
Romantic saxophone music begins to play
Lilla and Joxer watch Gabrielle and Iolaus from a boat
Lilla: YES, IT'S WORKING
Joxer: (Out of breath) I'm doing my best
Lilla: No, you fool, Gabrielle and Iolaus - Once he gets her pregnant, she'll HAVE TO come home to her family
Joxer: What makes you think he won't marry her?
Lilla: The day Iolaus gets married is the day Hades comes down with hypothermia
Joxer: (Pointing) HEY, WHO'S THAT GUY?
Lilla: (Slamming down her fist) NOOOOO - WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
A towel boy interrupts Gabrielle and Iolaus
Gab: (Looking up) Taurus!
Iolaus: This Xena relative thing IS out of control
Taurus: (Handing Gabrielle a drink) A Mr. "Bottlenose" sent you this, Gab
Gab: Thanks...how are you doing?
Taurus: Not bad considering...actually, I thought YOU'D be more stressed out about the accident
Gab: Accident? What accident?
Taurus: You don't know?
Gab: What are you talking about, Taurus? - TELL ME!
Taurus: Xena launched an attack on Burbankia...
Gab: (Gasping) No
Taurus: The evil warlord, Lennos, had all of the roads paved in asphalt, Argo slipped and she fell!
Gab: OHMYGODS, OHMYGODS...IS ARGO ALRIGHT?
Taurus: Argo? She's fine
Gab: (Sighing) Thank Zeus
Iolaus: Hey Gab, let's go get that "surf n' turf" brunch special
Gab: (Getting up) Sounds good
Taurus: WAIT...don't you want to know about Xena?
Gab: Oh Xena's fine, Xena's ALWAYS fine
Taurus: Not this time...
Gab: (Stunned) WHAT?
Taurus: She's in a coma at "General Hospital"
Gab: (Running off) NOOOOO
Iolaus: Gabrielle, COME BACK - the brunch special only applies to couples!
Taurus: (Winking) Hey Iolaus, I can get us an employee discount
The next day, Gabrielle shows up at the hospital
She wades through tons of scrolls and sacrificed sheep sent by worried villagers
A soft flute solo begins to play
Gab: (Kneeling by Xena's bed) I don't believe this, Xena...of all the STUPID things to do, I could understand going after Beverlae Hills or Malibuis but BURBANKIA? WHY?
Xena remains still
Gab: (Low whisper) You always said I was your "Guiding Light" - I should have been here to stop you
Hercules enters the room
Herc: Is she going to be alright?
Gab: OF COURSE, once she wakes up and her pelvis fractures heal
Herc: (Distraught) PELVIS FRACTURES? - Will she be able to...
Gab: Don't worry, she'll walk again
Herc: No, actually I was wondering...um...you know...
Gab: (Indignant) No relations for awhile!
Herc: (Leaving) OK, tell her Herc says "Hey" if she wakes up
Gab: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
Herc: My hair needs conditioning...'bye
Gabrielle focuses back on Xena
Gab: (Sniffling) Xena...I can't stand seeing you like this - You're "The Bold and the Beautiful" and I'm "The Young and the Restless" but right now, we're the sick and the sappy!
Xena is motionless
Gab: (Weeping) I'M SO SORRY, XENA - I don't care how many long-lost relatives you have just please wake up...PLEASE
Callisto crashes through the door
Cal: (To Gab) Hello...MOTHER
Cal: Yes, I am YOUR daughter...the daughter you and XENA had when she was a man
Cal: Ooops...that's next season's storyline, sorry!
Xena begins to stir
Gab: (Slowly waking up and looking around) Huh? - Wh...where?
Xena: (Splashing in a pond) Naptime's over, come on and get a bath
Gab: XENA...are you alright?
Xena: Are you?
Gab: How's your pelvis?
Xena: EXCUSE ME?
Gab: You didn't launch an attack on Burbankia?
Xena: Now why would I EVER want to attack Burbankia? - Malibuis, maybe
Gab: Thank the gods, Callisto isn't our daughter
Xena: Have you been eating that nutbread again?
Gab: (Jumping in the water) Oh Xena, you were in a...a...it just seemed so real
Xena: Gabrielle, it was all a dream, a terrible terrible dream
Gab: (Swimming over) What a relief!
Xena: Funny, I've been having really weird dreams too - first I'm being chased by a giant and then you bite my neck
Gab: Oooh, I kinda like that dream
Xena: We better watch what we eat before bed
Gab: (Turning serious) Could you promise me something, Xena?
Xena: If I can
Gab: No more secret family members and never EVER ride Argo on asphalt!
Xena: (Smiling) I promise, Gabrielle...for all "The Days of Our Lives!"
To Lucy and Renee, "Zivile"