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Xee Cruise - Fantasy Island

by Lizzy/Tendre

When "Fantasy Island" originally aired, I was in 6th grade. We were *forbidden* by Father Leo Ignatius to watch it due to the "adult content" - So, in honor of that theme, I'm going for the *ribald jugular* (All the Politically Correct Prudes out there, please hit your "Back" button now because this is definitely rated "R")

Are they gone?...OK fellow gutterminds, LET'S ROCK!

When we last left our intrepid heroines, they were vacationing on the Sea Warrior Princess BUT an unexpected volcanic eruption finds them on "Fantasy Island" to help evacuate the villagers...

Xena, Gabrielle, Taurus and the others disembark and are greeted by Mr. Roarke, Tattoo and a group of Polynesian dancers dishing out poi

Xena: A luau in the Mediterranean?

Gab: It's an island theme, just go with it

Mr. R: Fantasy Island!

Mr. Roarke tries to place a garland of orchids over Xena's head

Xena: (Going for her sword) What are you doing?

Mr. R: I just want to give you a lei

Gab: Who doesn't?

Mr. R: (Looking at Xena's outfit) What fine Corinthian leather!

Xena: How do you know?

Mr. R: (Pointing to his Chrysler) Trust me, I know

Tattoo: Hey boss, shouldn't we greet the other guests?

Mr. R: (Kissing Xena's hand) Later! - My dear, was by chance your father a jewel thief?

Xena: Why do you ask?

Mr. R: I was wondering who stole the sapphires and put them in your eyes?

Gab: Whoa, I haven't seen a line used like that since Mr. Pathagorus' geometry class!

Xena: We're here to help evacuate the villagers

Mr. R: I'm afraid they don't want to leave

Gab: Are they crazy? - That volcano is going to blow in a few hours

Mr. R: My dear girl, this IS...Fantasy Island!

Xena: I don't care what island this is, we're outta here

Gab: Xena, we can't just leave them

Xena: They don't want our help, FINE! - We're supposed to be having fun, remember? (Mocking) "Xeeeena, I wanna go on a cruise" "Xeeeena, I wanna have fun" "Xeeeena, I'm tired of walking" THIS VACATION WAS ALL YOUR IDEA GABRIELLE!

Gab: I don't know about you but 12 times on the "Jurassic Park" ride does NOT constitute a vacation

Xena: At least the company picked up the tab

Gab: THANK THE GODS - The way you were pounding down the Seagrams 7, we'd be paying off the bill until 1996!

Mr. R: Ladies, ladies, please...we have a few hours before total annihilation, let's relax, get to know each other...Tattoo, mix the Pina Coladas

A loud cry is heard in the distance

Mr. R: Our hero is on his way to help

Tarzan comes swinging over from vine to vine
He gets tangled

Mr R: Don't worry son, we'll get you down - Tattoo, bring a ladder!

Tattoo: (Pointing at Xena) Boss! - The chackrum, the chackrum!

An unimpressed Xena throws her chackrum and frees Tarzan



Mr. R: WOW - What a diphthong!

Gab: (Smirking) Personally, I prefer her labiodental fricatives

Tarzan: (Going over to Xena) Me Tarzan, Lord of Jungle

Xena: (Looking down) Nice banana - I'm Xena, Warrior Princess

Gab: And I'm, just plain old Gabrielle - I have GOT to get a title!

Taurus: How about "Xena's Loudmouth Sidekick?"

Gab: I suppose that's better than "Xena's Wuss Brother"

Taurus: Loudmouth

Gab: Wuss


Gab: WUSS!

Xena: Would you two knock it off? - It's amazing that I'm not "Xena, Mental Case" by now!

Tarzan: (Looking at Gabrielle) You Xena's slave?

Taurus: Well, that's one 5-letter word you could use...


Gabrielle and Taurus get in a tussle but Xena pulls them apart

Xena: No baklava for EITHER of you tonight!

Gab: This is a tropical setting, remember?

Xena: I guess no baklava for me either

Tarzan: Volcano God want gift or island go boom boom

Gab: What kind of gift?

Xena: (Under her breath) Gabrielle, don't!

Tarzan: Pleasure of innocent one

Gab: Hey, I'm innocent! - What kind of pleasure? Reading? Music? I have some great stories to share and I'm not too shabby on the panflute

Xena: (Grabbing Gabrielle by the hair and shoving her aside) Do NOT say another word!

Gab: I've handled Titans, I THINK I can handle one little Volcano God

Tarzan: Take girl for sacrifice!

Gab: Sacrifice? - You mean on an altar with a dagger?

Taurus: No, he means on staircase with a spoon

Xena knocks out Tarzan with a swift kick to the leopard skin

Xena: Run!

Xena hides Gabrielle in a hibiscus bush and then takes off with Taurus

Taurus: I don't understand could Gabrielle still be a virgin? - I thought you two, well, you know?

Xena: I swear Taurus, it was all one-sided...I mean the girl adores me, when she asks "What can I do for you Xena?" - I could only respond "Go feed Argo" so many times

Taurus: So you've never touched her?

Xena: Never laid a finger on her!

Taurus: Right verb, wrong preposition

Xena: When I met Gabrielle, she came with instructions, look!

Taurus: (Unfolding a scroll) "For Emergency Volcanic Eruptions Only - Do Not Break Seal"

Xena: I could see if the Mycenaean Empire were in danger but I am NOT sacrificing her for this two-bit island...c'mon, we need to build a raft!

Taurus: Why don't we just go back on the "Sea Warrior Princess?"

Xena: Did you see the ship's passengers?

Taurus: Yeah?

Xena: Did you see the villagers?

Taurus: (Gasping) They're the same kind of people!

Xena: We can freak out later... now start looking for wood

Taurus glances at his pants

Xena: (Laughing) Yeah right!

Taurus: (Picking up an old sign) Hey, what's this?

Xena: "S.S. Minnow" - Keep it, we'll use it as an oar

A bright light glows next to a coconut tree
Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman appears

Xena & Taurus: (Unison) Mommie!

Lynda: What's up with your outfit Xena?

Xena: (Indignant) What's up with yours?

Taurus: What brings you here, Mother?

Lynda: Some psycho cyber hallucination, Pisces

Taurus: Taurus...

Lynda: Of course, anyway, I came here to tell you that this island and it's villagers must be saved no matter how insignificant and silly they seem

Xena: Did Zeus command this?

Lynda: No, Aaron Spelling

Xena: (Kneeling) Gods, save us!

Taurus: Hey Ma, can I borrow the jet?

Lynda: Do you see it?

Taurus: No...

Lynda: Then you can't borrow it, Capricorn

Taurus: It's Taurus!

Xena: Don't worry Mum, I'll find a way to save the island

Taurus: Big surprise

Lynda: (Starting to fade) Good luck, my children - Goodbye Xena...Goodbye Gemini!


Xena starts to cry

Taurus: (Hugging her) There, there...I know it was nice to see her again

Xena: (Bawling) You don't understand, 10 years from now, I DON'T want to be hawking contact lens solution!

Taurus: No problem there, the volcano is going to blow in less than an hour

Xena: Are there no other virgins on this Hades hole of an island?

Taurus: What a fantasy!

Xena: There MUST be a way to stop the eruption, but first, I've got to make sure that Gabrielle is no longer a target

Taurus: What are you going to do?

Xena: (Sighs)...I know what I have to do

Taurus: Shouldn't that be "who?" - You know Xena, maybe I should be the one...

Xena: (Scoffing) Yeah right - Quickly, get me some wine, candles, satin sheets, all the "Sade" CD's you can find and then bring Gabrielle to my cabana

Taurus takes off and returns
A din is heard in the distance

Taurus: It's the villagers - They're coming for Gabrielle!

Xena: That's a switch

Taurus: (Handing her the stuff) Sorry Xena, all I could find was this Papa Smurf beach towel and a can of Hawaiian Punch

Xena: What about the music?

Taurus hands Xena a "Best of Don Ho" CD

Xena: Dammit Taurus! - I want to bang her, not bore her

Gabrielle enters
Xena throws her on the bed

Xena: Gabrielle, get undressed NOW!

Gab: Is THAT your idea of foreplay?

Xena: Taurus, leave us and go distract the villagers

Taurus: Why do I ALWAYS have to miss the good part?

Xena: Hurry!

Gab: YOU try taking off these tight Amazon clothes in 80% humidity!

Awhile later...

Taurus waits near the cabana
Xena flees outside and collapses at his feet

Taurus: Xena! - What's wrong?

Xena: (Frightened and Exhausted) GODS SAVE ME! - I've fought in wars, battled Hydras and been to The Underworld and back but I have never EVER encountered a force so overwhelming

Taurus: What is it Xena?

Xena: A horny virgin!

Gab: (Poking her head out the window) Oh Xena, mi conquistador amor...

Xena: can't TAKE it...that volcano better blow soon 'cause it's the only thing powerful enough to stop her

Taurus (Sheepish) Uh, that isn't a problem now

Xena: (Stunned) What?

Taurus: I found some Playboy Bunnies and threw them in the volcano

Xena: They're not virgins!

Taurus: I know, but there was enough silicone in them to plug the vent, it won't blow for another thousand years

Xena: You did that all by yourself?

Taurus: Tarzan and Tattoo lent a hand but it was my idea!

Xena: Taurus, I am so proud of you

Taurus: And so is Mr. Roarke, he's going to name a daiquiri after me

Gab: (In the doorway) Warrior of my body, princess of my heart, where are you?

Xena: Quick Taurus, help me finish that raft!


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