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Xee Cruise - Love Boat

by Lizzy/Tendre

Xena and Gabrielle board the Sea Warrior Princess and are welcomed by Julie, Doc and Captain Stubbing

Salmoneus, Kathie Lee Gifford and a chorus of Honduran children dance by singing "If They Could See Me Now"

Gab: This is going to be a blast!

Xena: (Grumpy) I suppose

Gab: Will you lighten up? - We're here to have a good time

Xena: A cruise around the Greek islands - Oooh, how original

Gab: Hey, we work for MCA, not Warner Brothers, we're lucky we've got this...


Xena and Gab walk into the showroom, Charo is on stage

Charo: Lades and yentlemeen, I want to sing some songs for jou in honor ov my mentor, Andres Segovia

Gab: Xena, didn't you kill him in Plataea?

Xena: (Stunned) By the gods, it's not possible

Gab: (Following Xena's stare) No way! - Xena...HER BOOBS ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS

Xena: And we can't have that now can we

Xena gets ready to throw her chackrum

Gab: Xena wait! - At least let her finish the song

Charo: Coochie Coochie Coochie!


Gabrielle goes over to Gopher who is sulking on the stairs to the upper deck

Gab: What's wrong Gopher?

Gopher: I don't know, I try being the best ship's purser and yet, I always screw up

Gab: I think you're doing a good job of...uh...what exactly does a purser do again?

Gopher: See? I don't even know myself and I come from a long line of pursers, my grandfather, my mother, my son, my dog, my...

Gab: I get the point - Hey, there must be something else you're good at, do you have any other interests?

Gopher: I like politics

Gab: Well, there you go - Why don't you become a congressman or something?

Gopher: Think so?

Gab: Sure, why not?

Gopher: Thanks Gabrielle (Tries to kiss her)

Gab: (Smacking him) You've got that part down already


Steve Allen and Jayne Meadows are playing shuffleboard with Julie

Julie> Xena! - Could you please join us?

Steve: We need another player

Jayne: Darling, with her, we've got 10

Xena: What is the object of this game?

Jayne: Nobody knows dear, it's just part of being on a cruise

Julie> Just move that thingee with this pole and try to shuffle it across the board

Xena: Alright

Xena shoves it across the deck and off into the ocean taking out several passengers along the way

Steve: She's on my team!


Gabrielle goes over to the bar

Isaac: Hey, I'm Isaac, what can I do for you little lady?

Gab: My name is Gabrielle, only Xena is allowed to call me "Little Lady" - What do you have to drink?

Isaac: Well, how about a tequila sunrise or better yet, try my new kiwi magarita!

Gab: GODS! Enough with the friggin' kiwis - What I want is a nice cold bottle of 'Lone Star' - Can you do that for me Isaac?

Isaac: (Pointing) You've got it!

Gabrielle mistakes the finger pointing for Xena's acupressure trick and flips Isaac across the bar and into the pool

Gab: I am so sorry, look it's been a tough day - Xena this, Xena that, do you know what it's like to be a token?


Doc is shooting skeet off the port bow, Xena comes over

Xena: What are you doing?

Doc: Shooting at clay pigeons

Xena: I think Gabrielle cooked those for dinner once

Doc: Would my lovely princess like a demonstration?

Xena: Sure

Doc: Pull!

Xena: Hey, you haven't even bought me drinks yet

Doc hits one of the targets but another gets away - Xena nails it with her chackrum

Doc: I think you're getting the hang of it


Gabrielle and Vicky are in a cabin wasted on henbane

Vicky I'm totally tired of being the captain's girl

Gab: I know what you many times a night for you?

Vicky Hey, he's my Dad

Gab: That's gross!

Vicky I mean it's great because everyone kisses your ass, but then again, they don't see you for you - only Captain Stubbing's daughter...

Gab: (Dazed) Where's Captain Stubbing's daughter?

Vicky (Looks around) I don't know

Gab: You know what REALLY drives me crazy?

Vicky Xena's yell?

Gab: Besides that

Vicky Xena's horse?

Gab: Besides that

Vicky Xena's outfit?

Gab: Besides that

Vicky Xena?

Gab: THAT! - And I am sooooo SICK of her bragging about her skills!

Vicky She has skills?

Gab: Many - (Slobbering) Forget about anyone ELSE in the world having them because they ALL belong to XENA THE HIGHLY SKILLED WARRIOR PRINCESS OF SKILLY SKILLS...for once, just once, I'd like to hear her say 'I have copious skills, numerous skills or skills-o-plenty' but if I have to hear 'I have MANY skills' ONE MORE TIME I'LL...

Xena: (Walking in) You'll what?

Gab: I...I...(Whimpering) I love you Xena

Vicky frantically tries to flush the henbane

Vicky It won't go down!

Gab: (Winking at Xena) At least you can't say that about me

Xena: Vicky, you realize I'll have to tell your father about this

Gab: Isaac will not be pleased


Xena and Gabrielle sit at the captain's table with the crew and the guests - Steve Allen & Jayne Meadows, Charo, Ted McGinley, Morgan Fairchild, Sherman Hemsley and Cindy Williams

Cap: Good friends, I want to thank you all for taking this voyage with us, as you make your way toward each individual destiny, I fondly look back on a time when...

Vicky (Rolling her eyes) Why did the henbane have to wear off now?

Gopher: (Looking at the salad bowl in front of Gabrielle) What beautiful tomatoes!

Xena: (Reaching under the table) I've just shut off the bloodflow to your cucumber, if you want it back, I suggest you ogle the croutons

Cap: ...and so, without further ado, let's eat!

Captain Stubbing tries in vain to carve the turkey

Cap: (Embarrassed) I guess my knife is a little dull

Vicky Are you sure it's just your knife?

Xena: Let me help (Whips out her sword and starts flinging the meat) Who wants a drumstick?

Xena's brother Taurus comes out from behind the stage curtain

Taurus: I'll take one

Xena: What are you doing here Taurus?

Taurus: They hired me for the entertainment...Charo, would you please accompany me?

Charo gets on stage and the two break out into a medley of "Journey" songs

Gab: PERFECT, now her dork brother is here - What else could go wrong?

Cap: I guess now is good time to tell you folks that, because of a volcanic eruption, we need to make an unscheduled Fantasy Island!


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