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by Lizzy/Tendre

(Xena And Gabrielle At Universal Studios Hollywood)

Xena and Gabrielle ride Argo up to the front gate...

Guard: Sorry, no horses allowed

Xena: We have an important meeting with Frank Biondi Jr.

Gab: (Pompously) The Big Guy himself

Guard: (Evil Grin) I'm sure you do, go right ahead

An animal trainer comes running over

Trainer: It's about time!

Xena: Hey, we're ten minutes early for our meeting

Trainer: Meeting?

Xena: We're here to see Mr. Biondi

Trainer: (Disappointed) You mean you're not the new animal act?

Gab: Actually, some people might think so

Trainer: (Pointing to an office window) You want that lady over there

Xena: You say you have animals here, could you please board my horse?

Trainer: (Taking Argo) Sure

Gab: Oh Xena, I want to see the animals!

Xena: I told you we'd visit Hollywood Boulevard later

They walk into the office and scare the secretary

Secretary: (Screaming) Security!

Xena: (Flooring the guards with one kick) Excuse me, we have a meeting with Mr. Biondi

Secretary: (Checking a list in her shaking hand) Oh yes, here you are, two strange women on a horse...Lord Biondi will be in meetings all afternoon but he does want to see you - please, enjoy the park while you are waiting

Gab: (Jumping up and down) I wanna go on the tram ride!

Xena: Thrilling

Xena and Gabrielle take the "Back Lot Tram Tour"
Gabrielle is excited
Xena is bored silly
The "Western Town" is the next stop
An outlaw in a black hat approaches the tram

Outlaw: (Shooting off his gun) Give me your purses, your watches, (Looking at Xena) your swords...

Gab: What is he doing?

Outlaw: This here's a tram robbery little lady

Xena: (Decking the guy) No it isn't

Outlaw: (Bleeding) ARE YOU INSANE?

Gab: No, she's Greek

Outlaw: I'm an actor, I'm not real!

Xena: Tell me about it

Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not punch anyone today - NO PUNCHING

Xena: But...

Gab: (Folding her arms) Nevermind, I don't want to talk to you right now...just, I don't want to talk to you

Xena: (Folding her arms) Is that supposed to be my punishment?

Xena and Gabrielle are leave the tram ride
Gabrielle storms off
Xena later finds her sulking inside a "Flintstones" prop

Xena: I see you're still not talking to me

Gab shakes her head

Xena: Here, I bought you a balloon

Gab: I don't want your dumb balloon

Xena: I had them write your name on it

Gab: (Squealing with delight) Thank you!

Meanwhile, Argo talks with a dog and a parrot at the "Animal Actors" attraction

Dog: Can you believe they have me jumping through flaming hoops for a piece of cheese?

Argo: My owner makes her friend do the same thing

Parrot: I'm tired of working for these pathetic humans, four years and they STILL haven't given me a SAG card!

Argo: (Kicking a door down) C'mon lets get outta here

A young woman dressed like Xena marches up behind Xena and Gabrielle

FakeX: Hey Sandi, it's MY turn to be Xena, like you're supposed to be the Bride of Frankenstein today!

Xena: I'm not Sandi

FakeX: Then who are you?

Xena: I'm Xena

FakeX: OK, enough with the comedy routine

Xena: No, I'm really Xena

FakeX: Look, I don't know who YOU are but I'M on the schedule to play Xena today

Gab: Who's on the schedule to play me?

FakeX: There is no "you"


FakeX: Hey, I don't want any trouble from you two, I'm just trying to make enough money for a boob job - now since you already have yours, please let me have mine!

Xena: (Indignant) These are real

Gab: (Smirking) They definitely are

FakeX: (Running off crying) THAT'S IT - I'm taking the job in my uncle's deli

Gab: Speaking of delis, I'm hungry Xena

Xena: Did you see the prices? - I'm not paying 7 dinars for 2 pieces of chicken

Gab: You get fries too

Xena: Forget it!

Xena takes out her sword and goes after a bunch of pigeons Gabrielle grabs her

Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not hunt today - NO HUNTING

Xena: But...

Gab: You're always complaining that we don't fit in - do you see anyone else hunting the pigeons? DO YOU?

Xena: Fine, go waste your money on chicken but I won't eat it

Gabrielle gets the chicken while Xena wrestles a family of five for a table by the fountain
Xena looks enviously at the chicken

Gab: Would you like a piece?

Xena: (Stubbornly) No

Gab: Fine

Xena: (Grabbing the wing) Well, if you're not going to eat it

Xena scarfs down the chicken

Gab: Good, isn't it

Xena: (Licking her fingers) Umm

Gab: Could you please use a napkin?

Xena: I don't need it

Gab: What are you, a barbarian?

Xena: Do you really expect me to answer that?

A bee lands on Gabrielle's arm

Gab: (Scared) A BEE

Xena: We've been up against Titans and you're afraid of a bee?

Gab: Would you just get rid of it?

Xena flicks it off with her pinky finger

Gab: It's such a beautiful day out

Xena: Yep

Gab: Not a cloud in the sky

Xena: Nope

Gab: You know, that's what drew me to you in the first place...deep and meaningful conversations

Gabrielle takes a coin out of her pouch

Xena: Now what are you doing?

Gab: I want to throw a coin in the fountain and make a wish

Xena: Why? - I'm already in your life, what else could you wish for?

Gabrielle chucks the coin at Xena

Xena: Your throw is improving

Gab: I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to LOOK at you

Xena: Aw c'mon, you know you want to look at me, EVERYONE wants to look at me - I'm gorgeous

Gabrielle starts chucking more coins at Xena

Xena: (Teasing) Did you make a wish?

Gabrielle splashes the fountain water at Xena

Xena: (Splashing back) Ooooh, aren't we the Amazon!

A crowd starts to gather
An elderly couple looks on

Edna: Harold, is this a show?

Harold: (Taking out his brochure) Sorry Edna, I don't see anything listed for "Fountain Follies"

Xena: (Noticing the people) Let's get out of here, we're starting to attract a crowd

Gab: When DON'T we attract a crowd Xena?

As they leave, everyone applauds

Gab: (Bowing) Why thank you, thank you very much

A tourist runs up to Xena

Tourist: Hey leather girl you and me!

Xena: Yeah right

Tourist: (Holding up his camera) You blondie take camera and take picture me and leather girl

Gab: (Hurt) Don't you want your picture with me too?


Gabrielle starts to take her clothes off

Xena: What are you doing?

Gab: I'm all wet

Xena: Don't do that, they'll think we're strippers

Gab: When DON'T they think we're strippers Xena?

Xena: C'mon, let's go into "Backdraft" and get dried off

Argo and her new buddies watch the whole fountain escapade

Dog: (Looking at Xena) At least we don't have to work for her

Argo: Speak for yourselves

Dog: THAT'S your owner?

Argo: Yes, please send your sympathy cards to Argo, that's A-R-G-O

Parrot: She's not the Full Quid mate

Argo: Yeah, but she gives good hay

Parrot: Best of luck to you

Argo: Thanks

Xena and Gabrielle see a guy dressed as Hercules

Xena: Who are you?

FakeH: I'm Hercules, son of Zeus

Xena: You're a son of a something

Gab: No, really who are you?

FakeH: I SAID I'm Hercules, now how would you pretty girls like a date with a demigod when I get off of work later?

Gab: Where's the guy who plays Iolaus?

FakeH: There is no "Iolaus"

Gab: This is incredible!

Xena: You're catching on Gabrielle

FakeH: It's not that I don't like hanging with you beauties but unless you take a picture with me, Zeus is going to get mad

Xena: (Putting her touch on him) I've just shut off the bloodflow to your groin, tell me who you really are or you don't get to score with "Betty Rubble" later

FakeH: OK OK, my name is Ed, I'm a drama major and when I'm not doing this, I'm a dancing Milk Dud at the mall

Gab: At last, the truth

FakeH: Does this mean we're not on for tonight?

Xena and Gabrielle enter the "Jurassic Park" ride
While standing in line, Gabrielle starts to climb on the railings

Xena: (Firmly) Gabrielle, get off the railings

Gab: What else do you want me to do? - Forget I asked that

Xena notices a mother walk by with her toddler on a leash and then looks at Gabrielle now swinging on the railings

Xena: (To herself) What a great idea!

A misting system above everyone in line is turned on

Gab: (Looking up) Why are they watering us? Do they think we're plants?

Xena: They don't want anyone to get overheated in line, besides, it's the first shower some have had in days

Gab: Hey, I wanted to stop by the lake this morning but you had to rush the Hades out of me to get here

Xena: (Taking out some sunblock) Put this on, you're getting all sunburnt

Gab: (Grumbling) Do I have to?

Xena starts rubbing the lotion on Gabrielle's neck and shoulders
Two guys behind them in line watch

Guy#1: (Whispering) Dude, this is better than the ride

Guy#2: Tell her that the inside of her friend's thighs are burnt too

Xena: (Taking out her chackrum) I'm getting really tired of waiting

Gab: Put that thing away right now!

Xena: It'll be easier to decapitate all of these people and go to the head of the line

Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not decapitate anyone today - NO DECAPITATING

Xena lets out a bloodcurdling yell

Gab: What's wrong?


Gab: (Taking out a tissue) Here, lemme get it off

Xena: (Glaring at the people in line) WHICH ONE OF YOU UNCOUTH SUBHUMANS DID THIS?

Everyone in line runs for the exit

Gab: I guess we can go on the ride now

Gabrielle and Xena "survive" the ride

Gab: I don't get it we were in line for 3 hours and the ride was only 3 minutes!

Xena: 2:45

Gab: That's unreal!

Xena: You're starting to get the point of this place

Gab: (Turning green) Xena...

Xena: Actually, that was worth the wait, let's go again

Gab: Xena...I think I'm gonna be sick

Xena: You only had chicken and a drink all day

Gab: Um...when I got the drink, I also got an ice-cream

Xena: So?

Gab: And some nachos...a pretzel...popcorn and cotton candy

Xena: What, no pizza and burgers?

Gab: A girl has to show some restraint

Xena: The bathroom is around that corner

Gab: The wait is 15 minutes...I think I only have 15 seconds

Xena: (Looking around) Here, go behind this Triceratops

Gab: It's a Velociraptor

Xena: Would you just hurry up and heave?

The ride operator comes over

Operator: Excuse me, you two aren't supposed to be back here

Xena unsheathes her sword while Gabrielle disgorges

Operator: Enjoy your stay at Universal Studios

Xena and Gabrielle rest on a bench
A little girl and her family sit on the bench next to them
She tries to get Xena's attention

Girl: What's your name?

Xena ignores her

Girl: I SAID what's your name?

Xena: Xena

Girl: That's a stupid name

Xena: What's yours?

Gab: Obviously not "Grace"

Girl: Meadow

Xena: How adorable

Girl: That's where Mommy and Daddy "ceeved" me

Xena: Well, it's a good thing your Mommy and Daddy didn't "ceev" you in an elevator or you'd be walking around with the name "Otis"

Girl: He's my brother

Gab: Be nice Xena

Xena: So Meadow, are you having fun?

Girl: You have stupid hair



Gab: (Upset) What did I ask you, what did I ask you this morning? Please do not scare any children today - NO SCARING CHILDREN

Xena: But...

Gab: (Throwing her hands up) You ALWAYS do this!

Gabrielle notices a cup with a huge dinosaur head on it in the gift shop


Xena: No, you are NOT getting it!

Gab: Why?

Xena: You're too old for that stuff

Gab: (Shuffling her feet) I guess...

Xena: (Rolling her eyes) Oh for Gods sake, go get it

Gab: YAY

Gab skips off and returns

Gab: (Placing the dinosaur head on Xena's shoulder) GRRRR

Xena: Get away from me, I do not know you

Gab: Well, I like it

Xena: And what exactly are you going to do with it?

Gab: I dunno - you took out a whole pack of ruffians with a string of fish, maybe I can use this as a defensive weapon

Xena: (Laughing) Yeah right

Gab: I could!

Xena: (Mocking) Look out everyone, it's Gabriellesaurus Rex

Gab: Stop it


Gab: I said stop it


Gabrielle slams Xena in the stomach with the cup
Xena drops to the ground

Gab: (Stunned) I'm getting better, aren't I?

Xena: (Her voice an octave higher) Yes, yes you are

Gabrielle and Xena notice a huge billboard with Xena and Hercules depicted on it

Xena: THAT doesn't even look like me!

Gab: Hey, at least you're ON a billboard

A frantic woman runs up to Xena


Gabrielle clears her throat

'Tendre: Oh, and I love you too Gabrielle - Please, PLEASE tell me where to get your t-shirts?

Xena: Sorry, they don't have any of me yet - try again next month

'Tendre: Coffee mugs, posters, keychains...ANYTHING?

Xena: Nope, sorry

'Tendre: But but you don't understand, my boyfriend HATES me now because I spent all day chasing around for your memorabilia instead of having fun with him - I promised five people at work that I'd bring them back a t-shirt!

Xena: I'm afraid they'll have to settle for "Jurassic Park"

Gab: The "ET" shirts are kinda cute too!

'Tendre: (Collapsing on the ground) NOOOOOOOO, I SHOULDA GONE TO VEGAS

Gab: Isn't there anything we can do for her?

Xena: No, she's a lost cause

The secretary shows up and leads Xena and Gabrielle to The Black Tower

Secretary: Lord Biondi will meet with you now

The doors open up with flashing strobe lights and thick smoke pouring out
A dark figure comes forward

Xena: On your knees Gabrielle

Gab: Here? Now?

Xena: Not that

Biondi: Xena, it is good to see you

Xena: You summoned us Lord Biondi?

Biondi: Yes, I just wanted to thank you for doing an excellent job on your show, all of MCA is very proud

Xena: Thank you sir

Gab: Hey, what about me?

Biondi: And you are...

Gab: I don't believe this!

Biondi: Welcome to Hollywood

Xena: Lord Biondi, I was wondering about an increase in our dinars...the "greater good" doesn't really compare to an American Express Platinum Card

Biondi: Our budget won't allow it now, we need every penny for "Back To The Future 7" - Please, take this "I Survived Jurassic Park" bumper sticker as a token of our appreciation

Biondi gives Xena an envelope with the bumper sticker in it and leaves

Xena: (Looking at the envelope with shock and disgust) He spelt my name with a "Z"

Gab: At least YOU got a bumper sticker

Xena: C'mon, let's get Argo and go

Gab: (Whining) Xena, I'm exhausted

Xena: Your mouth seems just fine

Gab: Will you carry me?

Xena: Oh for Athena's sake!

Gab: Please?

Xena: (Acquiescing) Get on

Xena gives her a piggyback ride to Argo
They get ready to leave

Xena: Well, this day was quite an experience

Gab: When ISN'T it an experience with you Xena?



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