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Archie walks in the door, hanging up his hat and jacket
He notices Edith setting extra places at the table
Archie: What's going on here Edith?
Edith: Gloria is having some guests over for dinner
Archie: Don't tell me, more of the meathead's pollock buddies...
Edith: Oh no Archie, remember those starving foreign children Gloria adopted? - Well they're all grown up now and they're coming for a visit
Archie: Aw Geesh, can't a man enjoy a meal in his own home without starving foreign children at the table, heh?
Edith: Calm down Archie, I'll go get you a nice cold beer
Archie: You do that
Gloria: (Walking down the stairs with Mike) Now Daddy, I want you to be nice to Xena and Gabrielle, they've come a long way from their country
Archie: Nine will get you ten they aint going back either
Mike: Hey Glo, where do you want me to put this panflute?
Archie: Panflute? And what in God's great creation is a pan flute?
Mike: Well, it's an indigenous musical instrument of Greece that...
Gloria: Gabrielle is quite accomplished on the panflute, I'm hoping she'll play for us
Archie: It's only a matter of time before your mother gets into the act with the piano and none of us, pacifically me, will get any sleep tonight!
Edith: Gloria, what does Xena do?
Gloria: She's a warrior princess
Edith: A princess! - How wonderful - does she sit on a throne?
Archie: That reminds me...
Gloria: Michael, did you find their letters in the attic?
Mike: Yeah, here they are
Gloria: (Looking at them) Oh, aren't they darling? - Listen...
"Hi my name is Gabrielle, I'm age VII and I have a sister Lila - I like ponies and flowers and fluffy white clouds and I like to sing and dance and play the panflute and someday I hope to be a bard - Thank you for the polio vaccination - Love, Gabrielle"
Edith: Isn't that sweet!
Mike: What about Xena, didn't she write?
Gloria: No, she just drew pictures, here...
Mike: A heart with a sword through it...a skull with a sword through it...a sword with a sword through it...
The doorbell rings
Gloria: Ooh, they're here!
Archie: (Coming out of the bathroom) I'll hide the valuables
Edith: But Archie, we don't have any valuables
Archie: And just what exactly do you call my bowling league trophies?
Archie: Get back in the kitchen dingbat!
Xena and Gabrielle walk in with a jug of wine and a loaf of nutbread
Gloria runs over and hugs them while Mike introduces himself
Archie: (Aside to Edith) They look like they just came from the Pussycat Theater
Edith: How do you know what they look like in the Pussycat Theater Archie?
Archie: (Fumbling) The guys at work told me about it, you know, I had to look interested in what they had to say
Edith: Of course you did
Xena takes a seat in Archie's chair
Archie: Would you look at that Edith? - She's sitting in my chair
Edith: Well, she doesn't know any better Archie
Archie: Excuse me, young lady, you're in my chair
Xena: And what a comfortable chair it is!
Archie: Did you hear that Edith? - She won't let me sit in my own chair
Edith: Calm down Archie, I'll get you another beer
Archie: The sacrifices I make
Xena, Gabrielle, Gloria and Mike make small talk
The doorbell rings
Archie answers it and lets in his next door neighbor, George Jefferson
Archie: It's starting to look like the U.N. building around here
George: Here's Mrs. Bunker's dry cleaning
Edith: (From the kitchen) Thank you George, please come in and sit down
George: Sorry I can't stay, Weezie is waiting for me
Gloria: Before you go Mr. Jefferson, I want you to meet some friends of mine - This is Xena and Gabrielle
George: (Looking at Xena) You know, I could give you a great discount on leather cleaning
Xena: Thanks...that reminds me, we need to wash up before dinner
Gloria: The bathroom is upstairs, the first door on your right
Xena and Gabrielle get up and go
Archie: Well, isn't that interesting
Gloria: Not really Daddy, some cultures do everything in groups
Archie: So "culture" is the new word for it
Mike: What are you implying Arch?
Archie: I'm not applying anything, I'm just sayin' they act a little, well, you know...
Mike: Why don't you just come out and say it?
Archie: (Swinging his wrist) I don't have to say nothin'
Gloria: Oh Daddy!
Xena and Gabrielle return from the bathroom
Edith comes out of the kitchen
Edith: Dinner will be ready in a half hour, until then maybe Xena and Gabrielle would like to play a nice game a cards
Archie: Can they plant the cards Edith?
Archie: Can they eat the cards Edith?
Archie: Then teach them a skill they can take back to their tribe
Edith: What kind of skill Archie?
Archie: Why must I always be the one with the answers?
Mike: Because you know it all
Archie: Damn right I do - Now go show them how to plant corn
Edith: But Archie, I don't know how to plant corn
Archie: What an amazing coinkidink - now all you broads can learn something together, that includes you meathead!
Xena: Mr. Bunker we already know how to plant corn
Archie: Then why is your part of the world always mooching off this country?
Mike: Give it a rest Arch!
Gloria: I like Ma's idea, let's all play a game of "Go Fish"
Gab: Xena taught me that but we call it "Go Reach Under Rock"
They all sit down at the table and start to play
Mike: So, do you ladies have any cute suitors?
Gab: All we can afford are these Amazon clothes
Xena: I think he means boyfriends, any deuces?
Gab: For some reason, they all disappear or die on me...go figure!
Gloria: No, it's "go fish"
Edith: I'm so sorry Gabrielle, any sevens?
Gab: Xena had a cool boyfriend, she even went to The Underworld for him
Archie: Hey Hey Hey, there'll be none of that kinky talk at this here table!
Xena: (Opening her pouch) This is a picture of my beloved, Marcus
Edith: Oh my, he's so tan!
Archie: For cryin' out loud, he's blacker than the ace of spades!
Gab: Go fish
Mike: Arch, please don't do this
Archie: Look, it's bad enough when I thought she was tinkerin' with the little blonde, but I won't have any of this mixed couple stuff in my own home...my castle...my humble commode!
Xena: C'mon Gabrielle, I can see we're not welcome here
Archie: That's right you bunch of fruit-loops, go back to your own country and stay there!
Gloria: (Running up the stairs) WAAAAAHHHHHH - Daddy, why do you always have to be so mean?
Mike: (Going after her) I'll never understand you Arch!
Archie: Of course not, it acquires a brain!
Edith gets up from the table
Archie: And where are you going?
Edith: To plant corn
Archie: Never mind that, just bring me another beer