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Xena In The Family

by Lizzy/Tendre

Archie walks in the door, hanging up his hat and jacket
He notices Edith setting extra places at the table

Archie: What's going on here Edith?

Edith: Gloria is having some guests over for dinner

Archie: Don't tell me, more of the meathead's pollock buddies...

Edith: Oh no Archie, remember those starving foreign children Gloria adopted? - Well they're all grown up now and they're coming for a visit

Archie: Aw Geesh, can't a man enjoy a meal in his own home without starving foreign children at the table, heh?

Edith: Calm down Archie, I'll go get you a nice cold beer

Archie: You do that

Gloria: (Walking down the stairs with Mike) Now Daddy, I want you to be nice to Xena and Gabrielle, they've come a long way from their country

Archie: Nine will get you ten they aint going back either

Mike: Hey Glo, where do you want me to put this panflute?

Archie: Panflute? And what in God's great creation is a pan flute?

Mike: Well, it's an indigenous musical instrument of Greece that...

Archie: Shudup!

Gloria: Gabrielle is quite accomplished on the panflute, I'm hoping she'll play for us

Archie: It's only a matter of time before your mother gets into the act with the piano and none of us, pacifically me, will get any sleep tonight!

Edith: Gloria, what does Xena do?

Gloria: She's a warrior princess

Edith: A princess! - How wonderful - does she sit on a throne?

Archie: That reminds me...

Gloria: Michael, did you find their letters in the attic?

Mike: Yeah, here they are

Gloria: (Looking at them) Oh, aren't they darling? - Listen...

"Hi my name is Gabrielle, I'm age VII and I have a sister Lila - I like ponies and flowers and fluffy white clouds and I like to sing and dance and play the panflute and someday I hope to be a bard - Thank you for the polio vaccination - Love, Gabrielle"

Edith: Isn't that sweet!

Mike: What about Xena, didn't she write?

Gloria: No, she just drew pictures, here...

Mike: A heart with a sword through it...a skull with a sword through it...a sword with a sword through it...

The doorbell rings

Gloria: Ooh, they're here!

Archie: (Coming out of the bathroom) I'll hide the valuables

Edith: But Archie, we don't have any valuables

Archie: And just what exactly do you call my bowling league trophies?

Edith: Junk?

Archie: Get back in the kitchen dingbat!

Xena and Gabrielle walk in with a jug of wine and a loaf of nutbread
Gloria runs over and hugs them while Mike introduces himself

Archie: (Aside to Edith) They look like they just came from the Pussycat Theater

Edith: How do you know what they look like in the Pussycat Theater Archie?

Archie: (Fumbling) The guys at work told me about it, you know, I had to look interested in what they had to say

Edith: Of course you did

Xena takes a seat in Archie's chair

Archie: Would you look at that Edith? - She's sitting in my chair

Edith: Well, she doesn't know any better Archie

Archie: Excuse me, young lady, you're in my chair

Xena: And what a comfortable chair it is!

Archie: Did you hear that Edith? - She won't let me sit in my own chair

Edith: Calm down Archie, I'll get you another beer

Archie: The sacrifices I make

Xena, Gabrielle, Gloria and Mike make small talk
The doorbell rings
Archie answers it and lets in his next door neighbor, George Jefferson

Archie: It's starting to look like the U.N. building around here

George: Here's Mrs. Bunker's dry cleaning

Edith: (From the kitchen) Thank you George, please come in and sit down

George: Sorry I can't stay, Weezie is waiting for me

Gloria: Before you go Mr. Jefferson, I want you to meet some friends of mine - This is Xena and Gabrielle

George: (Looking at Xena) You know, I could give you a great discount on leather cleaning

Xena: Thanks...that reminds me, we need to wash up before dinner

Gloria: The bathroom is upstairs, the first door on your right

Xena and Gabrielle get up and go

Archie: Well, isn't that interesting

Gloria: Not really Daddy, some cultures do everything in groups

Archie: So "culture" is the new word for it

Mike: What are you implying Arch?

Archie: I'm not applying anything, I'm just sayin' they act a little, well, you know...

Mike: Why don't you just come out and say it?

Archie: (Swinging his wrist) I don't have to say nothin'

Gloria: Oh Daddy!

Xena and Gabrielle return from the bathroom
Edith comes out of the kitchen

Edith: Dinner will be ready in a half hour, until then maybe Xena and Gabrielle would like to play a nice game a cards

Archie: Can they plant the cards Edith?

Edith: No

Archie: Can they eat the cards Edith?

Edith: No

Archie: Then teach them a skill they can take back to their tribe

Edith: What kind of skill Archie?

Archie: Why must I always be the one with the answers?

Mike: Because you know it all

Archie: Damn right I do - Now go show them how to plant corn

Edith: But Archie, I don't know how to plant corn

Archie: What an amazing coinkidink - now all you broads can learn something together, that includes you meathead!

Xena: Mr. Bunker we already know how to plant corn

Archie: Then why is your part of the world always mooching off this country?

Mike: Give it a rest Arch!

Gloria: I like Ma's idea, let's all play a game of "Go Fish"

Gab: Xena taught me that but we call it "Go Reach Under Rock"

They all sit down at the table and start to play

Mike: So, do you ladies have any cute suitors?

Gab: All we can afford are these Amazon clothes

Xena: I think he means boyfriends, any deuces?

Gab: For some reason, they all disappear or die on me...go figure!

Gloria: No, it's "go fish"

Edith: I'm so sorry Gabrielle, any sevens?

Gab: Xena had a cool boyfriend, she even went to The Underworld for him

Archie: Hey Hey Hey, there'll be none of that kinky talk at this here table!

Xena: (Opening her pouch) This is a picture of my beloved, Marcus

Edith: Oh my, he's so tan!

Archie: For cryin' out loud, he's blacker than the ace of spades!

Gab: Go fish

Xena: So?

Archie: SO?

Mike: Arch, please don't do this

Archie: Look, it's bad enough when I thought she was tinkerin' with the little blonde, but I won't have any of this mixed couple stuff in my own humble commode!

Xena: C'mon Gabrielle, I can see we're not welcome here

Archie: That's right you bunch of fruit-loops, go back to your own country and stay there!

Gloria: (Running up the stairs) WAAAAAHHHHHH - Daddy, why do you always have to be so mean?

Mike: (Going after her) I'll never understand you Arch!

Archie: Of course not, it acquires a brain!

Edith gets up from the table

Archie: And where are you going?

Edith: To plant corn

Archie: Never mind that, just bring me another beer


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