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Xesame Xtreet

by Lizzy/Tendre

Xena, Gabrielle and Argo are resting under a tree

Gab: (Pondering) First Princess Diana, now many more women look like you, Xena?

Xena: I'm sure there'll be a few more

Gab: When am I going to find someone who looks like me?

Xena: Next season, Gabrielle, I promise

A group of screaming children run by, followed by a huge yellow creature

Gab: My gods, what was THAT...a hydra?

Xena: A hydra gone awry...whatever, it's after the children, C'MON

Xena and Gabrielle tackle the creature and start punching it
The children begin to cry


Gab: (Spitting a feather out of her mouth) Big Bird? THIS is a bird?

Big B: Now, if you lovely ladies would please stop trying to kill me, you can come along with us to Xesame Xtreet

Kids: YAY

Gab: Xesame Xtreet?

Xena: I think it crosses the Appian Way

Gab: Let's go with them, Xena, it could be fun!

Xena: That's what I'm afraid of

Big B: (Getting up) Follow me!

Kids: YAY

Gab: YAY

Xena: (Grabbing Gab by the hair) No skipping!

A few moments later, all arrive at what looks like a city neighborhood

Gab: This doesn't seem real...the same few buildings are used over and over again

Xena: Kinda makes you homesick, doesn't it?

A bunch of muppets run by them

Gab: Wow, look at all the cute but annoying creatures with goofy faces

Xena: Now we know where Joxer hails from

Grover: (Coming over with some kids) Would you two help us play some school games?

Gab: Sure!

Xena: (Smirking) In-class games or the ones we played in back of the swings?

Grover: The children are learning the alphabet, maybe you could recite it for us?

Gab: No problem - alright kids, let's begin!

Kids: YAY

Gab: Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, epsilon, zeta, eta, theta, iota, lambda, mu, nu, xi, omicron, pi, rho, sigma, tau, upsilon, phi, chi, psi, omega

Stunned silence

Gab: What? - Was that the wrong alphabet?

A little boy walks over to Gab and kicks her in the shin


Gab: Hey, it's called "diversity" - Remember THAT when you're flipping fish cakes for a living!

Grover: (To Xena) Is your friend always this obnoxious?

Xena: She makes up for it later

Grover: Now children, let's move on to geography

They all gather around a dancing globe

Grover: I want each of you to show us your country on "Big Earth" here

Kids: YAY

Grover: Koji, you're up first

Koji: (Pointing to Japan) I am from Japan

Grover: Good job, Koji! - Maria, you're next

Maria: (Pointing to Ecuador) I am from Ecuador

Grover: Wonderful, Maria! - Tommy, your turn


Grover: Alright, let's give someone else a try - Hey, Xena, go ahead!

Xena: (Sheepish) Well...I'm from Greece

Grover: Can you find Greece on the map?

Gab: (Smug) Yeah Xena, can you find Greece on the map?

Xena glares at Gabrielle and points to New Zealand
Everyone laughs
Xena pulls out her sword

Grover: Break time!

Kids: YAY

Cookie Monster jumps in front of Gabrielle


Xena: (Putting "the points" on him) YOU AINT TOUCHIN' HER COOKIES

Gab: Xena, he means REAL cookies

Xena: (Releasing him) Right

Gab: I'm sorry, I don't have any cookies...BUT, I might have something better!

Gabrielle takes something out of Argo's saddlebag

Gab: Here, try this


Gab: Nope, that's it...the rest is MINE

The Count approaches

Gab: (Slamming him with her staff) BACCHI, BACCHI


Count: (Dodging Gab) VHAT are you doing, young ladies? - I just vant to count vith you!

Xena: Yeah, that's what they ALL say

The children run over


Gab: Oh no...he really DOES want to count with us!

Count: One - that's all I vanted to do, Two - I vink you are in need ov some serious help, Three - I'm getting the vuck out of here!

Gab: WAIT, please give us another chance! - We'd LOVE to count with you, wouldn't we Xena?

Xena: Speak for yourself

Gab: C'mon, would it hurt you to go beyond 10 for once in your life?

Xena: I have 10 fingers and 10 toes...unlike SOME people

Gab: HEY

Xena: Why would I need to need to count any higher?

Gab: Fine, why don't you just go sulk in a corner somewhere, you're really good at that!

Xena: FINE


Xena sits next to Oscar's trash can while Gabrielle challenges The Count with integers

Xena: Do you mind if I stay here?

Oscar: Yeah, I mind

Xena: Good!

Oscar: Are you always this grouchy?

Xena: Mostly

Oscar: Good!

Xena: (Picking up Oscar's lid) This is the most unique chackrum I've ever seen

Oscar: Huh?

Xena hurls it and decapitates Elmo


Burt and Ernie walk by

Xena: What's up with those two?

Oscar: Well, they're best friends...they live in an apartment together...and they never seem to have any dates

Gabrielle scampers over to Xena and flops on top of her

Gab: XeeXeeBear, I miss you!

Oscar looks suspiciously at both of them

Xena: HEY - Gabrielle and I DON'T live in an apartment

Dressed in a fireman's outfit, Gonzo comes over with some children

Gonzo: Hi there, we're celebrating "Fire Safety Week," do you have any advice?

Gab: Stay away from Callisto

Xena reaches for her brandy flask and a torch

Xena: Actually, I have a little trick I could show you

Gab: (Grabbing the flask) No Xena, now's NOT the time!

Gonzo: Maybe Xena can show us another trick

Kids: YAY

Xena: OK kids, I'm going to teach you how to slice open your enemy's carotid artery using your fingernail

Kids: YAY


Kids: Could you show us on Gabrielle?

Kermit and Miss Piggy come over

Kermit: Hi Ho, we were just...

Kermit gasps as he looks at Gabrielle

Kermit: (Jumping on her) Those big eyes...that green cloth...AT LAST I'VE FOUND MY LOVE

Xena: Get off her leg, only I can do that

MissP: You will NOT take my Kermy away from me, you strawberry-haired strumpet!

Xena picks up both Kermit and Miss Piggy and tosses them aside

Kermit: I only want to be with my heart's desire

Xena: Unless you want to be an appetizer in France, I suggest you hop along

Gab: Find France on the map, Xena

Xena: Shut up, Gabrielle

MissP: Why I've NEVER seen such heathens in my life!

Xena: Lady, I've got three words for you - BLACK...FOREST...HAM

Gab: Oh good, we're going to count again

An English boy in a yellow shirt walks up to Gabrielle

Jimmy: Excuse me, I'm looking for a magic, gold flute - have you seen it?

Gab: Do you play the panflute too?

H.R. Puff n' Stuff dances by with some children

Xena: Now THAT's one wicked-ass hydra!

Gab: Hey Xena, let's go - I've think I've had enough adventures for today

Xena: Try the whole month

Gab: Uh-oh

Xena: What?

Gabrielle points to a meadow with Argo and Snuffy



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