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XTV's House Of Style

by Lizzy/Tendre

Gabrielle and Xena are strutting down a marble runway.

Gab: (Sexy voice) Hi, I'm Gabrielle

Xena: (Following) And I'm Xena

Gab: We're the new hosts of XTV's House of Style, if you're wondering what happened to Amber and Shalom, um, well...Xena killed them

Xena: They annoyed me

Gab: Forcing them to eat a meal was kinda cruel, don't you think?

Xena: I wanted it to be a quick death

Gab: Now, sit back and in the next half hour we'll show you the new Badgley Mischka line of dress armor, what to take to your next orgy and, of course, Todd Oldham shows us how to how make your horse's mane extra funky by coloring it with Kool-Aid

Xena: Hey Gab, don't forget things that are cool and things that suck

Gab: Of course the way, what sucks for you Xena?

Xena: Your mouth

Gab: HEY - Anyway, all that AND the world premier of RuPaul's new video "Superhero!"

Xena: You better RUN

Gab: Hey Xee, you may be a princess, but Ru is the ULTIMATE queen

Xena: I have one thing to say...

Gab: Sashay, Shante?

Xena: No, I killed them in Thrace

Gab: You go girl!

Xena: Go where?

Gab: I don't know

Cindy Crawford bursts onto the set

Cindy: Wait a minute, where did you guys come from?

Gab: The 4th century

Cindy: A.D.? B.C.?

Gab: We only listen to Techno and Bulgarian war chants

Xena: I think she means the timeline

Gab: Timeline?

Xena: Timeline

Gab & Xena (Unison of laughter) TIMELINE!

Cindy: (Impatient) Would you please tell me what happened to Amber and Shalom?

Xena: You'll soon find out if you don't get out of here

Cindy: Hey, I used to host this show you know!

Gab: Excuse me, you've got a piece of chocolate on your face

Xena flings her chackrum at Cindy

Xena: Not anymore

Cindy: (Bleeding) ARE YOU INSANE? That mole made millions for me!

Gab: Don't worry, Xena can stitch it back on, she used to embroider

Cindy: You, an embroiderer?

Xena: (Stitching Cindy) I have many skills

Gab: (Tracing Xena's sword with her finger tip) She sure does

Cindy: (Staring) Wow, you have the most beautiful blue eyes...(Suggestively) You know Xena, I could come back and co-host the show with you

Gab: Back off Pepsi whore! - There's only ONE co-host for Xena and I'm it

Xena: Sorry Cindy, she's right, but you could host CNN's "STYLE"

Cindy: Why, what happened to Elsa Klensch?

Gab: She made fun of our bangs

Xena: I told her to look in the mirror before smashing it against her face

Cindy: I still think I could be a better host for you Xena

Gab: Look, clothes hanger, because your boyfriend couldn't hack it as "Batman" doesn't give you the right to scam MY superhero, now go on your book tour and strike a pose elsewhere...Better yet, why don't you get the Dalai Lama, a box of gerbils and see if Richard will take you back!

Cindy: (Running at Gabrielle) Bitch!

The two get in a really huge slap fight

Xena: (Sitting back and smiling) Now Salmoneus should sell tickets to THIS

Cindy: (Retreating) Fine, Xena is all yours...Oh, by the way Gabrielle, for "things that suck" TRY YOUR HAIR COLOR

Gabrielle starts to chase after her

Xena: Gabrielle, don't bother

Gab: Right, we have a show to do

Xena: By the way, it was kind of cute how you fought for me

Gab: Well, someone has to

Xena: Are you getting all soft on me again?

Gab: You know I need candlelight for that - Hey, tell me Xena, Cindy is beautiful...

Xena: Very

Gab: World famous

Xena: Yep

Gab: Dinars up the wazoo

Xena: Among other things

Gab: Please feel free to stop me at any time

Xena: What are you trying to say Gabrielle?

Gab: Why did you pick me over her?

Xena: (Pondering) Cindy is alot of things...but she isn't you

Gab: (Hugging Xena) I think I'm gonna cry

Xena: Not on my armor you won't! - Besides, Lance will have a fit if you ruin your mascara

Gab: Right, the show!

Xena: C'mon it's time to pick out a flavor of Kool-Aid for Argo

Gab: I was thinking "Tropical Punch" for the tail

Xena: Let's talk


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