"ROCK-A-Bye, M'Darlin'"

***** Hey y'all, guess what time it is? It's pick on Renee and her Momma time! Once again, the lovely and talented ROC along with her maternal entity are the subjects of a SPOOF, so please locate your "funny bones" and understand that this will be fraught with Texas stereotypes...I wish to thank Sandra Wilson for birthing her babygirl in the great Lone Star state because I'd NEVER have this much fun if her daughter were born in Iowa...ENJOY; ) *****

Renee's Momma picks up the phone and calls her daughter

ROC: (Answering) G'day?

Momma: Now listen here, Missy, New Zealand may be your new home but there aint no need to be a-talkin' like that!

ROC: Sorry, Momma

Momma: Say it!

ROC: Momma, please!

Momma: SAY IT

ROC: HOW Y'ALL DOIN'? - Y'ALL, Y'ALL, Y'ALL - Y'ALL HAPPY NOW?

Momma: Thank you

ROC: (Sighing) What's up, Momma?

Momma: I just got back from that big fan thang of yours in crazy KALI-FOR-NI-AY

ROC: Did ya bathe in Lysol like I told ya?

Momma: Sweetie, they didn't seem infected with anythang - except with their love for y'all

ROC: C'mon, they don't love me...nobody loves me...only you love me, Momma!

Momma: Now Honeysuckle, ya gotta cut that out, remember what the therapist said

ROC: What makes ya think they love me anyway?

Momma: This one couple said they'd lick your boots anytime, anywhere

ROC: They'se probably just mineral deficient, that don't mean they love me

Momma: I'se got proof - I took pictures of 'em and all the others that came a-slobberin' around

ROC: Who ya foolin'? - Ya took pictures o'the mental ward again!

Momma: I did NOT hafta go to the mental ward this time - they all came to me!

ROC: Well now, I hope ya made duplicate shots and sent 'em to the FBI

Momma: Actually, I think I sent 'em to the Fish and Game warden by accident

ROC: At least ya didn't talk to any o'them Fruit Loop Loonies, did ya? - Momma?...MOMMA? - DID YA TALK TO THEM? - I TOLD YA NOT TO TALK TO THEM

Momma: Now, Angel Bear, how could I not?

ROC: BUT I TOLD YA NOT TO

Momma: Look, you'se the actress in the family, I wasn't about to play the deaf mute for a weekend!

ROC: WHADYA SAY TO 'EM?

Momma: Well, lessee, first I told 'em about ya bein' Willie Nelson's lovechild, then I went on to tell 'em about the Juvenile Hall years...

ROC: MOMMA

Momma: Oh, Sweet Jesus, Puddin' Pop, whadya think I'd say? - I told 'em you'se my darlin' babygirl and how mighty proud ya make me!

ROC: Oh, Momma

Momma: S'proud, in fact, I'se bustin' m'buttons right n' left

ROC: I hope ya kept ya shirt on, the last thang we need is a picture of y'all in your brassiere on the 'Net

Momma: Hey, that could be interestin'! - Renee...RENEE? - I WAS JOKIN', STOP HYPERVENTILATIN'...C'MON...C'MON...SUCK IN SOME CARBON DIOXIDE FOR MOMMA

ROC: (Gasping) I can't believe ya said that - I CAN'T BELIEVE YA SAID THAT

Momma: Pumpkin, I aint in the ground yet, I can still have some fun

ROC: (Crying) DON'T SAY THAT - DON'T SAY THAT

Momma: Renee, quit your bawlin', right now, ya hear?

ROC: Okay, okay...I'se done

Momma: Did ya wipe your nose on your sleeve?

ROC: Yep

Momma: Well, it's good to know ya haven't lost ALL of your Texas breedin'

ROC: What else happened at that freak show?

Momma: They all said you'se got m'smile

ROC: That reminds me...can I keep it for another month?

Momma: Renee, ya said ya was a-sendin' it back!

ROC: PLEASE?

Momma: Oh, alright, but I need it this summer

ROC: Why?

Momma: Some of your fans asked me to attend their weddin's

ROC: Y'ALL GOIN'?

Momma: I certainly couldn't refuse, especially since I'm the matron of honor in a half dozen!

ROC: OKAY...THIS IS ALL STOPPIN' RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW - YOU'SE MY MOMMA...MINE...IT'S BAD ENOUGH I HAVE TO SHARE Y'ALL WITH A BROTHER...I AINT A-SHARIN' YA WITH A BUNCH O'CRACKER HEADS

Momma: But, Tweety Bird, they'se your own legion of Prison Men and Lesbians!

ROC: Look out, "Disney Channel," I'se a-comin' home!

Momma: Don't be so judgmental, a couple o'them made ya some pretty whoop-ass sticks

ROC: Nunchucks

Momma: No...I don't think they was nuns and none of 'em answered to the name "Chuck" either

ROC: Actually, those might come in handy for crushin' the skulls o'them idiot parody writers

Momma: Y'all got some other gifts too

ROC: I DID?

Momma: Uh-huh...here, lemme read some o'the cards...TO RENEE, BECAUSE YOU'RE AN AQUARIAN LIKE ME, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS...HEY RENEE, BECAUSE Y'ALL A TEXAN LIKE ME, I WANTED YA TO HAVE THIS...DEAR RENEE, BECAUSE YOU POSSESS A CLAVICLE LIKE ME, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS...

ROC: Well, why don't ya mosey on down to the Comanche Peak Nuclear Power Plant, ask 'em for one o'them spare lead pails and send the stuff to me

Momma: Sure thang, Bugaboo, AND someone baked ya a sweet potato pie also!

ROC: REALLY?

Momma: Yep

ROC: Don't got Lucy's name on it nowhere?

Momma: Nope, all yours, Babe!

ROC: YEE HAW, I'SE BIG TIME NOW

Momma: Speakin' of "big time," y'all got some more congratulatory remarks on your WEB Page, did ya want me to put 'em up?

ROC: Better read 'em to me first

Momma: Okay..."Dear Renee, SEE? PRETENDIN' to knock over minimarts on TV is much better than doin' em in real life, Best of luck! - Sgt. Jiminez, Texas Board of Parole"

ROC: Uh, no, don't post that one

Momma: How 'bout this one?..."To our favorite rodeo clown, we miss ya somethin' fierce, Hon, and so do the bulls, Keep your belt buckles polished! - Sonny Ray Moon"

ROC: AWW, that's a "maybe"

Momma: Here's a nice one..."Hey O'Connor, if that actin' thang don't work out, ya can always have your old job back, no one can stack 'em and hook 'em like our girl! - Big Lloyd, Big Lloyd's House of Tires & Bait"

ROC: Definitely NOT, I'm still tryin' to live down workin' on that Exxon commercial!

Momma: There's one more..."Hi Rinny, congratulations on your WEB Page, m'new husband owns the Internet, ya know! - April May June-Gates"

ROC: AAARRRGGGHHH

Momma: I'll take that as a "no"...OH...and which "e" did ya want me to put the accent mark over next month?

ROC: I'se tired o'the accent mark, put a big old tilde over the "n" instead

Momma: Cactus Flower, I don't know where ya get your wild streak from!

ROC: Better yet, why don't ya hold a contest on the Internet and see what symbols the yokels come up with

Momma: We'se already had 'em gussin' your middle name

ROC: NOOOOOOOOOOO

Momma: DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY, I told 'em ya don't have one

ROC: THANK THE LORD

Momma: Now, there's A-NOTHIN' wrong with "Renee Clementine O'Connor"

ROC: GIT OUT...GIT OUTTA M'TRAILER...GIT OUTTA M'TRAILER

Momma: Funny, you'se half a world away yet there's somethin' real familiar 'bout that phrase!

ROC: Lucy just came in

Momma: What's she doin'?

ROC: Friskin' me for Mentos

Momma: Can't ya tell her to stop?

ROC: STOP? - THIS HERE'S THE BEST PART OF M'DAY - HIGHER, LUCY, HIGHER

LL: You bought the bloody mint kind again - I HATE MINT

ROC: Yeah, I know

LL: Who's on the phone?

ROC: Momma

LL: Big surprise...HEY MOMMA

Momma: HEY LUCY

LL: HEY MOMMA

Momma: HEY LUCY

LL: HEY MOMMA

Momma: HEY LUCY

ROC: ENOUGH O'THAT

LL: Hey Momma, guess what?

Momma: What, Sugar?

LL: I'm a parade float!

Momma: Aint that nice!

LL: Got me own marching band as well

Momma: Wonderful! - Y'all still sittin' on m'daughter?

LL: Absolutely

Momma: And are ya sittin' up straight? - Remember, no slouchin'

LL: NOT YOU TOO - Here, Renee, you can have her back now

Momma: Is she gone?

ROC: Yeah, thanks Momma

Momma: No problemo

ROC: Ya know they'se all inbred down here

Momma: No wonder ya like it s'much, it reminds ya o'home!

ROC: Well, I guess I better be headin' back to work

Momma: Oh, before ya go, the "Theater On Wheels" people might be a-callin' ya to do their celebrity auction

ROC: Why?

Momma: Well, they DID give ya the inspiration!

ROC: I've been meanin' to ask ya about that...

Momma: What?

ROC: WHAT IN THE HELL WAS YA THINKIN', MOMMA, LETTIN' YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER GO OFF IN A TRUCK FULL O'ACTORS?

Momma: It seemed safe at the time

ROC: Y'all wouldn't even let "Meals on Wheels" deliver to great Granpappy 'cause ya thought they'd spike his food!

Momma: They took ya to a church, didn't they?

ROC: Ah right, the reverend's private quarters/dressing room was sure fun a-changin' in

Momma: Say whatever ya want, ya became a famous actress, didn't ya?

ROC: Ya mean your daughter's CLONE became a famous actress

Momma: What in creation are ya blabberin' about?

ROC: I'se "Renee's International Clone" or "RIC"

Momma: That there's crazytalk!

ROC: After we finished our lil' skit, those "actors" cloned us all

Momma: How is that possible?

ROC: Didn't y'all see the refrigerators and beakers in the back o'their truck?

Momma: I thought they was just props!

ROC: Well, at first they was...

Momma: WHAT HAPPENED...WHAT HAPPENED TO M'PEA POD?

ROC: Your "Pea Pod" was sold into white slavery for the Khmer Rouge - I do believe her dyin' words were, "WHY'D YA LET ME GO IN THAT THERE TRUCK, MOMMA?" before they necklaced her with a flamin' tire

Momma: NOOOOOOO

ROC: Don't worry, I'se still your gal - just now I can levitate small cities on occasion

Momma: Well, if that's the case, would ya please do somethang about Beaumont on your next visit home?

ROC: How 'bout Abilene?

Momma: Okay...Ooh, gotta 'nother call, see ya!

ROC: Wait, when did ya git call waitin'?

Momma: When your fans started callin' and askin' for advice - Later, Turtle Dove

ROC: MOMMA...MOMMA...DANG IT...I'SE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN' EXTREME WITH THEM LOCOS

LL: (Poking her head in) Hey Renee, guess what, I'm an ice sculpture!

ROC: (Grabbing her nunchucks) First thangs first

Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com

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