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From: Tina M. Thompson
TOP TEN REASONS WHY XENA DOESN'T CARRY A CELL PHONE:
10. Always on "ROAM"
9. Antenna keeps getting broken in fights with road side thugs.
8. All that armor interferes with reception.
7. Unexpected calls mess up her focus during a fight.
6. Out of respect for tradition, no #6. OR Joxer keeps calling just to say "Hi".
5. The "Look" just isn't as affective over the phone.
4. Herc & Iolus always calling for dates.
3. Salmonious' solicitation calls.
Gabby on the phone ALL the
time - imagine the bills!
And the # 1 reason Xena doesn't carry a cell phone:
Prank phone calls from Aries!
TOP TEN WAYS GABBRIELLE SECRETLY GETS BACK AT XENA FOR GIVING HER 'THE LOOK':
10. Uses the round killing thingy to chop vegetables.
9. Loses Argo...again. ("again" pronounced ala Forrest Gump) 8. Finds the biggest, ugliest, hairiest guy in the tavern, sneeks over to him (it) and tells him Xena thinks he's cute.
7. Two words: Pan Flute.
5. Brushes Argo's tail and counts out loud...872, 873,874...
4. Skips instead of walking.
3. Waters down Xena's port.
2. Torments Argo with staff practice.
And the # 1 way Gabbrielle gets back at Xena for giving her "The Look":
Upon entering a tavern sneeks
a sign on Xena's back that reads: "BITE ME!"
TOP TEN REASONS WHY XENA FAILED AS A PSYCHOTHERAPIST:
10. Kept blowing chronic whiners through the back wall of her office.
9. "BE NICE" just wasn't sufficient advice for most. 8. Had to keep excusing herself in the middle of sessions to go save Gabbrielle.
7. When male clients confessed to unkindly acts towards women...well...let's just say her picture is in many a post office...'nuf said.
5. Scared too many clients by joining in on Primal Scream Therapy....AHYIYIYIYI!
4. Prescribed one too many Chakrums with out a license.
3. Accused her clients of talking too much.
2. Ran out of pebbles to throw in the water while saying profound things.
And the # 1 reason Xena failed as a psychotherapist:
Didn't have a cell phone to
say "Hello"...like Bob Newhart does at the beginning of his show!
TOP TEN REVIEWS RECEIVED FOR XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS FROM VARIOUS FAMOUS PEOPLE:
10. "This could sell!" - Salmonious
9. "Two babes. In leather. A little pain now and then. What more could
any man ask for?!" - Joxer
8. "They're Grrreat!!!" - Tony
7. "I feel XWP represents an attempt by the moral majority at accepting a purely fictional program airing on syndicated television at odd and inconsistent times, to acknowledge a small group of misguided constitua- I mean persons...OUCH! QUIT HITTING ME, CANDICE!" - Newt 6.
5. "Next best thing to watching a show about two male friends battling for justice... except for maybe all that deep stuff, uh, like thoughts, emotions, feelings ... I say ACTION, ACTION, ACTION! And more MONSTERS! And oh yea, we have Salmonious! Na na na na na na!" - Herc.
4. "We don't ask the writers or producers, they don't tell ... OUCH! QUIT
HITTING ME HILLARY! THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, CHELSEY! HEY, RENO, PUT THAT DOWN!!!" - Bill
3. "Who?" - Ross Perot
2. "Two (broken) thumbs up!" - Siskel & Ebert
And the # 1 review received:
"I think the show definitely takes me where I've never gone before...on the air that is. Where in the hell was my agent when they were casting for Gabbrielle? I love New Zealand!" - Ellen
TOP TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER SAY OUT LOUD TO A FEMINIST WHILE SHE'S WATCHING XWP:
(The penalties are many and varied, you be the judge . . . HOWEVER, before you can move down the list you must at least imagine how you would respond to the remark . . . and, oh yea, you DON'T have to "BE NICE"! . . . )
10. Whoa! What a BABE!
9. Who's the irritating little blonde?
8. Jeez, that Joxer is the best! Is he Lucy's husband in real life?
7. Heh, heh, I bet those stuntMEN think it's a hoot to dress up like BABES and do all those neat stunts!
6. * If they're stupid enough to talk during the show, they're stupid enough to violate rule #6...
Hey, they are just friends...right?
5. Boy, that Scotland country sure is purdy!
4. What's that round thing on her hip? She carry her own cooking utensils?
3. That blonde one carries a cane, but I don't see her limping.
2. (When Xena & Gab enter a tavern and get harassed by creeps) Well, what do you expect? Two BABES, in short leather skirts, all alone...c'mon! They're asking for it!
And the # 1 thing a man shouldn't say:
Ya know, I once caught a fish
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