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A Collection of Top Ten Lists
Page 1

by Various Authors
(Originally collected by Vicky)

These Top Ten lists were orginally posted on the Xena Mailing lists and the Net Forum.

Top Ten Things that would earn Gabrielle a punch from Xena.

10. Trade Xena's sword and chakram for a brand new pan-flute
9. Hide Xena's clothes while she bathes in the river
8. Introduce Xena as the Warrior Concubine to the Trojan army
7. Say "Xena, Shut up! I haven't finished my story yet!"
6. Seduce Marcus and/or Herc
5. The old fire-ants in the pants joke
4. Incessant pan-flute playing
3. Say "Xena, you HAVE put on some weight!"
2. Tell Hercules that Xena has fleas
1. Call her Xena-kins one too many times

(back from his mini-vacation)

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Not So Surprising Facts About Joxer.

10. Has killed dozens of men -- unfortunately they were all on his side.
9. He still wets his bed.
8. First cousin of 'Brave' Sir Robin.
7. He's better at Fighting than at Stealing or Fishing.
6. Gets bulk discounts on nose jobs.
5. There is no number five. Joxer can't get anything right.
4. His dagger isn't the only thing thats abnormally small.
3. Claims to come from a "long line of Warlords" actually comes from a long line of draft dodgers. (insert Clinton joke here.)
2. Turns out 'Joxer' is Greek for 'Back End of Horse.'

...and the number one not so surprising fact about Joxer is...

1. His other suit of armor is also a piece of crap.

Lord Bowler

The Top Ten Surprising Facts About Gabrielle.

10. Learned the Pan Flute during brief stint as a roadie for Zamfir.
9. Actually went an hour without talking once.
8. Failed 'chanting' the first time she took it.
7. Middle name? Ethel.
6. There is no number six.
5. Real reason she doesn't like horses has something to do with a recuring dream involving a game of leap-frog with a unicorn.
4. Giggles uncontrolably every time someone uses the phrase 'Penal System.'
3. Favorite Food? Chee-tos.
2. Once considered changing her name to 'The Bard Formerly Known as Gabrielle.'

...and the number one surprising fact about Gabrielle is...

1. She's addicted to Melrose Place.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Surprises on Xena's Tax Returns.

10. Dependents 3 - One Bard, One Horse, and One Chakram.
9. Claimed saddle repair as an entertainment expense.
8. Lost 5000 dinars investing in a Falafel Express franchise.
7. Lists ocupationas 'Hen Teaser.'
6. There is, as usual, no number six.
5. Picked up extra income making balloon animals at kids parties.
4. Large charitable contribution to "The Society to End Cruelty to the Pan Flute."
3. Filing a joint return with Salmoneous.
2. Paper work was done by H&R Blockius.

...and the number one surprise on Xena's tax returns is...

1. All those three fireball lunches she claimed as business expenses.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
Top 10 Ways Xena Gets Arrested ...

10. Driving an unlicensed Argo.
9. Accessory to business fraud (Salmoneous was 'Mr. Big')
8. No fire permit - campfires, cocktails, et al.
7. Civil disobedience (unchaining gods and freeing Titans)
6. A certain guard, Fuhrmanius, tampered with this evidence and therefore #6 is inadmissible.
5. LacedNutbread (henbane) possession.
4. Transporting a virgin across kingdom boundaries.
3. Illegal ladder boxing.
2. Failure to pay debts (Charon reported her)

And, the #1 way Xena could get arrested,

1. No chakram permit.


Top Ten Signs Xena was in your tent

From: (shewolf) My daughter is away at Girl Scout camp for two weeks and I sent her a copy of one of the top ten lists. Today I got her top ten in the mail...

Top Ten Signs Xena was in Your Tent 10. Instead of candy hidden in your footlocker there's nutbread.
9. Pictures of Marcus are hanging in your tent.
8. Letters to Mom are in ancient Greek.
7. One of your counselors claims to be the God of War.
6. There is no number 6.
5. Body armor is on the clothesline.
4. All meals served at the dining hall consist of bread, cheese, and other items from Gab's cafe-in-a-pouch.
3. Bug repellent has been replaced with a Chakram (it may be excessive but it works).
2. Lack of blood to the brain has caused the death of your most annoying tent-mate.

And the number one sign Xena has been in your tent is...

1. Bulgarian folksongs are sung at the campfire by the Bulgarian Women's Choir.

shewolf jr.

Top Ten Clues to the world that you are an obssessed Xenite

10. When angered, you cut off the circulation to your advisary's brain and demand that they apologize.
9. No one else gets to pet your pet Chakram besides you.
8. You insist on everyone in reality to call you by your handle and title.
7. You have every single toy and episode in your possession.
6. Duh, get a clue.....
5. You begin to suffer from XWS when a friend drags you to a movie without seeing this weeks episode.
4. You passionately pray to Ares, or Hades, or Aphrodite - whoever - to take you, take you now!!
3. You have more than one leather outfit.
2. Familiar saying, "There is therapy for that."

and the number one.....etc....

1. You start making your top ten lists in hope to make other Xenites like you....

Lady Lucifera Kae
"hey now, this is a family show!"

Top 10: Things to do While Waiting for REPLY to Work:

10.) Write a top 10 list.
9.) Use reply as a way to test how much patience you have.
8.) Dig out the old nuclear physics lectures and give yourself a review. (OK. So if there are 5 protons, the element has to be Boron.)
7.) Polish your chakram. By the time reply works, your chakram should be polished down to nothing.
6.) Number six got lost in the reply.
5.) Scratch behind AlphaDog's ears. (Ahhhh..... Very theraputic!)
4.) Invite Lucy to a picnic, give her a big bottle of whiskey and a torch, and put her in charge of the barbecue.
3.) Watch a whole episode of Xena.
2.) Figure out what you're acutally going to say if the reply button works.
1.) Use up your inventory of cuss words.

Albuquerque Annie

Top 10: How You Know That Xena Snuck Into Your Band

10.) The mariachi's yell sounds like, "Ayiyiyiyiyiyi!!!!"
9.) When you tell your band to play heavy metal, someone hands you a sword.
8.) You're mobbed onstage by your fans and one of your band members manages to keep the crowd at bay all by herself.
7.) When you play a pop number and sing, "Oh, yeah, yeah...," one of the backup singers sings, "Oh, yiyiyiyeah!"
6.) I don't know! Ask Jett. She's the one who keeps the Number Sixes in the Xena cave's wall safe!
5.) The lady violinist in the mariachi is unusually tall.
4.) Someone has a ready supply of leather to fix the broken guitar straps.
3.) You start to play a rock song and hear a funeral dirge instead.
2.) A guitarist is ready, willing, and able to get you some real catgut for your fiddle. (Oops! Wrong list! That's how you know that AlphaDog snuck into your band as a backpup singer. )
1.) For some mysterious reason, the strings on all the stringed instruments have snapped.

Albuquerque Annie

Top 10 places working REPLY buttons like to hide

10. The secret compartment in Gabrielle's staff (under the white furry band)
9. Autolycus' treasure horde
8. With Democratus (where is he anyway?)
7. Somewhere in NightChrome's workstation
6. Behind #6
5. The Trojan CyberHorse
4. The BayWatch NetForum
3. BanCu is hording them for the next 10,371 chapters of her Celt epic.
2. Behind the grassy knoll

And the #1 hiding place for working REPLY buttons,

1. Callisto's belly button


Top 10 Ways to Know if You Have Xena-on-the-Brain

10.) You wish Xena were on several times per day, even if the shows are re-runs.
9.) You think the dark-haired lady on the treadmill at your health club is Xena.
8.) Xena somehow gets mixed in with your current thoughts. ("Xena with an atomic bomb? before she turned nice? Scary!")
7.) [This one's for you, Jettie!] You're practicing music and while you're counting out the rhythm, you hear yourself say, "1...2...1...2...Ar...Go!"
6.) Okay, okay! I finally got the hint! There is no number six. There never has been, and there never will be!
5.) It's Halloween, and is there any doubt what your costume will be this year?
4.) You're mean to everyone around you in hopes that someone will say, "Be nice."
3.) You do a book report on King Arthur and keep finding yourself calling Lancelot the Xe-knight of the Chakram-Shaped Table."
2.) You make a staff for yourself out of an old broom handle and keep trying to knock the cat down. ("Hey, Cowcat! Hold still a minute, would you?")
1.) Xena is your imaginary friend.

Albuquerque Annie

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Reasons Gabrielle's Hair Color Changed.

10. Poteidaian Phar-Mor ran out of her 'natural' color.
9. Tired of being described as an irritating blonde. Now hopes to be described as an irritating redhead.
8. Three Words: Dumb Blonde Jokes.
7. She's only been giving her hair 500 strokes a day.
6. There is a number six. But only her hairdresser knows for sure what it is.
5. Producers decide actresses' hair color should match their outfits. Just be glad Gabby isn't still in the teal outfit.
4. Hey Xena likes things dark.
3. Used up all her peroxide cleaning battle wounds.
2. Xena's bottle of Chakram polish, looks a little too much like a bottle of Breck.

..and the number one reason Gabrielle's hair color changed is...

1. Turns out she's a huge 'I Love Lucy' fan.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Items On Gabrielle's To Do List

10. Try and recall where I left Amazon War staff.
9. Get captured by a Warlord and held at knife point.
8. Join Xena in fighting off daily ambush.
7. Its Thursday, meet nice guy, fall in love, watch him die.
6. There is no number six.
5. Stick pins in Callisto doll.
4. Practice Pan Flute
3. Chase everone down, promise to stop practicing Pan Flute.
2. Go into town, try to score some Henbane.

..and the number one item on Gabrielle's to do list is...

1. Eat.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Surprising Facts about the Athens City Academy of the Performing Bard

10. School Mascot is a six-foot invisible rabbit named Harvey.
9. Currently under NCAA probation for wide-spread use of Bard enhancing drugs.
8. Most popular eatery: Papa Falafel's Pizzaria.
7. Fraternity names are a random trio of english letters.
6. All together now. There is no number six.
5. Wrist Dials are all the rage on campus this year.
4. Half of the students must retake the surprisingly difficult basket weaving course.
3. Every year students work themselves into a frenzy during the week leading up to the Homecoming game against the Spartan City Academy of the Performing Mime.
2. 38% of all students intern with the National Enquirer.

..and the number one surprising fact about the Athen's City Academy of the Performing Bard is...

1. Actually located in Battle Creek, Michigan.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Way Xena would be different with Pamela Anderson Lee in the Lead

10. Xena now third smartest regular after Gabrielle and Argo.
9. Plastic surgeons now list in credits on the FX team.
8. Opening sequence now contains unexplained glimpse of David Hasselhoff sucking in his gut.
7. After punching someone Xena complains about chipping a nail.
6. There is no number six.
5. Worldwide copper shortage after wardrobe make the chest piece.
4. Chakram replaced with Frisbee.
3. Trojan War becomes Trojan beach volleyball Tournament.
2. The 'Look' replaced with the 'Pout.'

..and the number one way Xena would be different with Pamela Anderson Lee in the lead is...

1. On the plus side, Gabrielle now has somewhere to stand when it rains.

Lord Bowler

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