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A Collection of Top Ten Lists
Page 2

by Various Authors
(Originally collected by Vicky)

These Top Ten lists were orginally posted on the Xena Mailing lists and the Net Forum.

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Surprises on Xenite Tax Returns

10. Claimed Xena doll as dependent.
9. Most are filing joint returns with their Warhorse.
8. Most common ocupation listed as: Amazon Warrior.
7. Large Charitable contribution to Society to Save the Number Six.
6. There is a number six, but it was removed out of fear of an IRS audit.
5. Took $500 depreciation on Xena costume.
4. Earns money on the side sharpening swords and chakrams at home.
3. Claimed War Chariot as Business Expense.
2. Took deduction for IRC addiction.

..and the number one surprise on Xenite tax returns is...

1. Claimed Xena Tapes as medical expense -- for treatment of XWWS.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Surprising Facts About Xenites

10. During lifetime will have at least one sexual encounter with a proffesional cricket player.
9. Can name more Xena cast members and guest stars than US Presidents.
8. Has spent more time looking for a Xena doll than bathing.
7. Unnervingly large number think Xena and Hercules are set during the Rennaisanse.
6. There is no number six.
5. Are sick and tired of the 'There is no number six' bit.
4. Has a sexual thought about Lucy once every - excuse me for a second -8.3 minutes.
3. Eats their own weight in Cheetos every year.
2. On average own 12.6 dogs.

..and the number one surprising fact about Xenites is...

1. Can't stand them no good Belgians.

Lord Bowler

Gabrielle's Top 10 Ways to Shake Your Travel Partner Out of a Bad Mood

10. Present her with her brass brassiere polished so brightly it could blind an opponet in combat.
9. Tell her endless stories about how you and your sister would argue over whose turn it was to churn the butter (don't worry if she's heard these stories before, then she only appreciates the nuances even more).
8. Offer her your own blanket after you've accidently parked the horse over hers at the camp site.
7. If captured don't say, "You don't have a fighting chance unless you get more men and weapons before my friend gets here!".
6. Promise to stop shaving your legs with her chakram.
5. Learn what poison summac looks like so you never again hand it to her for t.p.
4. In cases of extreme bad mood save yourself and travel on your own for a few days (see #5).
3. Gather a supply of acorns and ask her to bust some nuts for you.
2. When out of acorns, gather a supply of local thugs.
1. Tell the local, smarmy, brothel keeper that the leather-clad, well muscled woman across the road likes aggressive come-ons and thinks he's cute.

- TrueBlue

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Reasons Gabrielle Doesn't Have a Horse

10. Still trying to break in boots.
9. Turns out Tilly is a real Prima Dona.
8. Hey she couldn't even keep track of that Amazon Warstaff and you want to trust her with a horse?
7. She just can't decide on a color.
6. Horse number six was scratched minutes before the race. Those of you holding betting slips on it can return them for a refund.
5. Doesn't want to get a horse only to have it stolen so she's waiting for'The Club' for Horses to get off back order.
4. Keeps falling and breaking nose -- sorry that's one of the top ten reasons Joxer doesn't have a horse.
3. Still in mourning over her pony, Tympany.
2. Failed at parrallel parking when trying to get her licence.

.and the number one reason Gabrielle doesn't have a horse is...

1. You know that expression "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse?"

Lord Bowler

Ten things Argo would say to Xena if she could talk

10) I wish you'd brush my tail like Princess Diana.
9) This cinch is too tight.
8) I'd like to ride for a change.
7) Get Gabrielle her own horse, please!
6) Remember, I brake for high fences.
5) Why do you always send me away just when things get interesting?
4) I love knocking the staff out of Gabrielle's hand.
3) My hooves hurt, you trying roaming the countryside carrying you.
2) Why do I have to be patient with things that annoy me?

And the number one thing Argo would say:

1) How come you never hook up with anyone that has a nice stallion?

Dedicated to all of the Argo fans on the NetForum.
(Who is still fighting XWS)

Here goes: top ten hints your nurse has been watching too much Xena

10. She runs from room to room giving out herbs rather than medication
9. Strangly her uniform is white leather bodice skirt and shoes
8.She AYIYIYIYEE's when ever somebody hurt themselves in a stupid way
7. She removes casts with a round thing insed of the medical saw
6. This is too scary to think about {not i just go with the flow}
5. Keeps complaining that her Argo takes forever to get her to work
4. Erie Bulgarian music is played all throughout the hospital but no one can find the sorce {the aplifier thing]
3. She keeps telling you that Xena rules and tries to get to to converse while you are spaced on drugs to lessen pain
2. Keeps threatining to have Gabrielle come in and tell a story if you won't stay laying down

and the #1 way to tell your nurse has been watching Xena

1.She threatens to cut off the flow of blood to your brain if you don't stop it how's that?

Vicky amazon in training
"Don't you EVER touch MY horse AGAIN!"

Or, in my case, she threatens to cut off the flow of blood to my brain if I don't stop driving myself to the hospital for my chemo...In spite of the fact that I'm not having the seizures they say I'm supposed to be having.

Top 10 ways you know you're NOT Xena

10. You can't defy gravity.
9. Your chakram says, "Whamm-o".
8. You have tan lines.
7. You hate Riesen: The Chocolate Chew.
6. Per tradition, there is no number 6.
5. You hear no "woosh" when you turn around.
4. Your "yell thingy" sounds like a sick toad.
3. You look behind you, and there's no fork.
2. You can't change your shoes while hanging from shackles.

And (drum roll), now, the number 1 reason you know you're not Xena:

1.Bronze hooter guards make you break out!

Salspua, who is definately NOT Xena!

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Signs Your Not Taking Xena Repeats Well

10. Get wasted on Zima every night just because it sounds kinda like Xena.
9. Police keep getting noise complaints about your 3am Pan Flute practice.
8. You drool like one of Pavol's dogs every time your e-mail bell goes off, hoping its from a Xena mailing list.
7. In physics class you start wonder, if you traveled at 50% of the speed of light causing time to run half as fast could you spend 48 hours a day on the IRC.
6. You just don't have the energy to slam Baywatch anymore.
5. You only polish your Xena costume every other day.
4. You actually start to think that one day ET will give Xena real coverage.
3. After a trip to the ER, the doctor warns you that your diet must be made up of more than nutbread, tomatoes and cheese.
2. Couldn't get to the Xenafest in LA, decide to hold a Xenafest in your pants instead.

..and the number one sign your not taking Xena repeats well...

1. You actually put a number six in your top ten lists.

Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...
The Top Ten Ways School Would Be Different with Xena as a teacher

10. Gym Class now includes manditory boar hunt.
9. Students must get parents permission before they can go on the Elyssian Field Trip.
8. Students keep trying the old "A hydra ate my homework" excuse.
7. Law of Gravity no longer taught in science class.
6. There is no number six.
5. In the lunch room every friday is falafel day.
4. School Uniform now togas.
3. Students engage in spirited games of 'Dodge-Chakram.'
2. Student who brings Xena doll to call is told "I hope you brought enough for everyone."

..and the number one way school would be different with Xena as a teacher is...

1. Penalty for cheating? Ritual Disembowlment.

Lord Bowler

You know that firefighters have been watching too much Xena when....

10. You beg the electronics technician that does the work for you stations to change the sounds in your personal vehicles siren from yelp, wail, and phaser to yiyiyiyiyiyiyi
9. You find you can't get you Scott Airpack on because it won't fit over the sword on your back.
8. You make a motion in the next business meet to change the dept. dress uniform to something in leather and brass.
7. You replace the AC/DC "Highway to Hell" cassestte in the 1st out engine tape deck, that is played on the way to every structure fire, with a cassette of something Bulgarian.
6. Of course there is a #6. You put Xena's neck pinch on the State Trooper (aka the Green Weenies in this area) who shows up on the scene of a car accident and starts trying to tell the firefighters how to do their job.
5. You try to talk everyone else at the station into changing the fire depts. dalmantion's name from Chief to Argo.
4. You begin to think the Asst. Chief looks alot like Ares.
3. You beg that the dept. name be changed to Amphipolis Vol. Fire Dept.
2. You use a Chakrum to cut the clothes off of a trauma patient instead of medic shears.

And the #1 way you know you've been watching way too much Xena: Warrior Princess

1. You cast write in ballots for Xena for Chief and Gabby for Rescue Lt. during elections for new FD officers.


The 10 Top signs your Xena withdrawal is getting dangerous

. Enjoy. (DRUMROLL)

10. The mentioning of Greece makes you drool.
9.The Bulgarian Women's Choir sends you a nice letter for buying their C.D.s- all 180 of them.
8. You've taped the previews for "Docter" and watched tham over and over (and over and over and)
7. You've made not only the Xena and Gabrielle dolls but Argos as well.... out of a My Little Pony.
6.(Of COURSE there's a six, but will there be a four?) You throttle someone for making fun of Xena.
5. Your VCR explodes after the 1080021th consecutive hour of Xena watching. And you don't notice.
4. You find yourself dusting your plants for lack of something to do.
3. You have memorized not only the lines to every Xena:WP show ever made, but can play the music on keyboard as well. And you're tone deaf.
2. You convince the mayor of New York City to let you borrow that ball they drop every New Year's Eve to drop at the start of the new Xena season.

And finally, the number one sign your xena withdrawal is becoming dangerous is..... (slightly larger drum roll)....................

1. That very scary look you get in your eyes when someone suggests you have something better to do than watch Xena all day.

Elanor the Mighty
(who has experianced to many of these signs for it to be funny anymore)

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