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EXT. FOREST GLADE - EVENING Xellen and Gabrielle are making camp. The camp bizarrely looks like the living room set of the show "Ellen". Go figure. GABRIELLE When we were in that tiny anonymous village earlier, I heard a rumor that a horsey blonde was making trouble in a neighboring tiny anonymous village that looked remarkably similar. You don't suppose... XELLEN Callisto... GABRIELLE I was hoping you wouldn't suppose that. XELLEN Don't worry, Gabrielle. If Callisto is back from the grave, it should be easy to find her. I mean, really, she probably doesn't smell too good -- being buried doesn't do much for personal hygiene -- Not that I'd know about th-- I've never been dead. Well, I mean I've been to the Underworld a couple of times, and there was that time the dart got me, but -- well, I guess that means I have been dead in a way, but not dead dead. Not Callisto dead. Then again, Callisto dead isn't very dead, is it? Not in the tradionally relatives weeping, light a candle, mourn mourn cry cry sense of... TIME DISSOLVE: EXT. FOREST GLADE - NIGHT Xellen is in the same position as last scene. Gabrielle is snuggling into her blankets. XELLEN ...I mean, he wasn't my real uncle, we just called him that. You know, kind of an affectionate name. He was so nice. Used to bring me sweets. Little Baclava Baby, he used to call me. 'Oh Xellen, you're my little baclava baby' he'd say or 'Oh Xellen, you sure love that baclava...' TIME DISSOLVE: EXT. FOREST GLADE - MORNING Xellen is in the same position as last scene. Gabrielle is just waking up. XELLEN ...not fair. I mean, it wasn't my fault I took Lyceus' pony. He's the one who told Toris that I colored my hair which, when you think about it, isn't something most brothers discuss, well, I mean, I don't know most brothers, and I suppose some brothers discuss that kind of thing but it was out of character for Lyceus at the time. Though come to think of it, he was going through his hair fetish phase. Well, not a fetish really, more a realization that he was the only blonde within 600 square miles, so he-- GABRIELLE Morning, Xellen. XELLEN Oh! You're awake! GABRIELLE Was there any trouble last night? XELLEN Well, there was this small problem. When the Southern Cross was about yay high in the sky, a horse thief tried to make off with Argo, but in keeping with my new policy of not being so aggressive -- that new therapist is really quite good, she's gotten me in touch with all sorts of feelings. Well, not in touch exactly. She's sort of introduced me to them and I figure we'll touch in a few sessions. We're kind of at the howdy stage right now and I'm not-- GABRIELLE The horse thief, Xellen? XELLEN Oh right! Yeah, so he tried to steal Argo but I talked to him about how that was wrong and then I told him about that time when I was six? And I was out in the fields with my mother? And she-- GABRIELLE Did he run or fall asleep. XELLEN Fell asleep. GABRIELLE I'll go get him so you can question him. Maybe he's one of Callisto's gang. XELLEN Oh hey! I never even thought of that. You're smart, you know that? Well, of course you know that, but I meant not just book smart but forest/villain/ warlord smart... TIME DISSOLVE: EXT. FOREST GLADE - DAY Gabrielle hauls a soldier in by the ear. Xellen stands in her most intimidating fashion. XELLEN Who sent you? SOLDIER Nobody. XELLEN You're wearing Callisto's colors. SOLDIER Coinicidence. XELLEN Callisto's Passion Fruit lipstick is smudged on your armor. SOLDIER I had passion fruit for lunch. XELLEN You're not going to talk? SOLDIER Like you two need any more talkers around here. Xellen whooshes some pressure point digs and the man drops to his knees, a look of pain on his face. XELLEN I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You'll be dead in less than thirty seconds unless you tell me what I wa--that is, approximately 30 sec -- you know how these things go... sometimes it's more, sometimes less -- well, of course you're probably hoping for more, aren't you? I mean, I can understand that. "Oh! Oh! Only 30 seconds! I have so much to do" you're probably thinking. You know, like talking to your mom and -- my mother would kill me if I died and didn't say anything to her, but then my mom -- she owns a tavern. Did I already tell you that? I don't think I did. Yeah, she owns this tavern then Cortese came -- he's a warlord -- I decided to fight hi-- but that's water under the bridge because I've chang-- uh... sir? Sir? GABRIELLE Forget it, Xellen. We lost another one. Callisto comes crashing through the bushes, sword drawn. CALLISTO Xellen. What a pleasure. XELLEN Callisto! How did you find us? CALLISTO I followed the sound of meaningless chatter. It led me straight to you. GABRIELLE Teach me how to kill her, Xellen. XELLEN Really? You want me to teach you? That's kind of flattering, thank you Gabrielle. GABRIELLE Well, you're very skilled at this sort of thing, you know. In fact, it reminds me of a story -- XELLEN Please, Gabby. Less talk. We have to concentrate on blondie now. CALLISTO Prepare to face death, Xellen. XELLEN Wow, that's a frightening thought, isn't it? I mean, facing death. Brrrr. But you know all about that, huh? Here, have some nutbread. You are just waaay too thin. Callisto grabs a piece of nutbread. CALLISTO (her mouth full) This is delicious! What's in it? XELLEN You like it? Really? I use cinnamon, a little brown sugar, flour, eggs -- nuts, of course! I mean, what's nut bread without the nuts, right? I wouldn't even know what you'd call that. Bread, I guess. You'd have to say 'pass the bread' instead of 'pass the nut bread.' That would be weird, don't you think? 'Pass the bread'... GABRIELLE Why do you hate Xellen so? What could cause anyone to carry a grudge like that? Callisto helps herself to another piece. CALLISTO May I? XELLEN Be my guest. CALLISTO (intensely) Xellen's army came to my village and though they spared everyone's life, she made us all listen to the story of when she borrowed Lyceus' pony and he acused her of dying her hair. XELLEN Oh right! I was just thinking about that. Gabrielle, did I ever tell you that story? It's really very funny. Well, not so much ha ha funny but funny strange, because there was this pony, you see and I-- Callisto shrieks, draws her sword and rushes Xellen. Xellen leaps into the air, does several flips and shouts her warcry. XELLEN Ay le le le le le lebanese!!! The two women fight furiously and equally, lots of swordplay, leaping, yelling, yadda and more yadda. Finally, Xellen has Callisto at the end of her sword. The skinny blonde's eyes dart about madly, her mouth unable to close over her teeth. CALLISTO Go ahead, Xellen. Kill me. Like you did my village! GABRIELLE You said no one was hurt in your village. CALLISTO Oh, right. Then bore me! Like you did my village! XELLEN You think I'm boring? CALLISTO The truth? XELLEN Yes. CALLISTO Um... you're holding a sword to my neck. You sure you don't want a pleasant white lie instead? XELLEN No. CALLISTO Okee doke. Yes, you bore me, Xellen. XELLEN Wow. I never knew that. Do I bore you, Gabrielle? GABRIELLE Huh? I wasn't listening. XELLEN I am really -- boy is my face red here. I just never -- I mean, I guess I kind of wondered why Gabrielle was always falling asleep and I -- you know, my mother used to tell me that I should focus more when I talked and I just thought -- huh, this is something I'll have to bring up with my therapist. Gabrielle, check the bushes and see if there's a well-dressed woman peeing there. GABRIELLE Will do. Gabrielle exits. Xellen appears to come to a major decision then removes the sword from Callisto's throat. CALLISTO That's it? XELLEN Yeah. CALLISTO I can go? XELLEN Yeah. CALLISTO Just like that? XELLEN Go. Gabrielle returns alone. GABRIELLE Nope, nobody there. Though I noticed Joxer's rotting corpse. Wonder what happened to him? XELLEN *I* happened to him. GABRIELLE What? How? XELLEN He annoyed me. GABRIELLE Kinda harsh, don't you think? I mean the guy's a relative of-- XELLEN I don't care. Who's name is in the title of this show, anyway? Callisto starts to sneak away. CALLISTO I'll just... be going along now... Xellen stares moodily, her lips curled in a sneer. GABRIELLE Um... you don't seem yourself. XELLEN No. You're wrong, Gabrielle. I'm more myself than ever. GABRIELLE (skeptical) Uh-huh. What the Hades is going on? XELLEN From now on, I'm the strong, silent type. Cryptic words. Smoldering looks. That's it. GABRIELLE No kidding? That just might work for you, Xellen. Xellen nods with a smoldering look. GABRIELLE Um... soooo... I guess that means I'll have to do most of the talking then, huh? XELLEN Yeah. GABRIELLE Ooo-kay. (suddenly realizing) Oh shoot! XELLEN What? GABRIELLE We forgot to have subtext! This whole dang thing went right by and not one sexy glance, not a single vague reference -- nothing! XELLEN Now why in the world would *I* want subtext? GABRIELLE My mistake. Xellen smolders a moment. GABRIELLE Gonna sleep in the closet again tonight? XELLEN Thought I might. GABRIELLE Just checking. FADE OUT. THE END.