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Editor's Choice Award

XENA AND GABRIELLE IN SOUTH PARK

(With special surprise guest stars...)

A Twisted teleplay by Dana Cory - copyright 11/18/97 C.E.

 

DISCLAIMERS: All of these characters belong to people who arenít me, and I pray that they can see the fun (and utter lack of profit) in my story and donít sue me. Besides, all that I own are worn-out Xena videos and several back-issues of Crack Whore Magazine - the ones with Cartmanís Mom on the cover...Oh, and thereís some "mature" themes, a heapiní helpiní of violence, Anglo-Saxon language, and poor celebrity voice impersonations...

 

THEME SONG ( AS PERFORMED BY THE "GRECO-ROMAN FUNK EXPLOSION")

[Xena sings and strums a lyre]

Goiní down to South Park, gonna have myself a time

{Stan, Kyle, and Cartman respond}

Serfs and peasants everywhere,

Evil warlordsí dom-i-na-tion!

Goiní down to South Park, gonna leave my past behind

Ample cleavage - what a sight!

Legs from here to Po-te-dai-a!

Goiní down to South Park, gonna let my whip unwind

{ Kenny and a bound and gagged Gabrielle respond}

Mmmrrrphhhh rmmm rmnnnghhh frrrgghhhmmmnn,

Mmfffrrnnnn mmmlllllrrrghphhh!

Goiní down to South Park, rescue some friends oí mine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT I

1. STANíS LINING ROOM. EVENING.

Kyle, Stan, (Eric)Cartman, and Kenny are sitting on the couch watching Xena: Warrior Princess on television.

KYLE: Wow! Look at Xena go! Kill him, Xena! Kill that dirty bastard!

CARTMAN: Yeah, Xena kicks ass!

STAN: I like Gabrielle, Xenaís too butch. I bet sheís a dyke...

KENNY: MMmhrrrmnn, hgnnnffrrmmm......

STAN: Uh, yeah, Kenny, I guess Xena IS the ultimate deconstruction of post-modern feminism...

KYLE: Wow, good point, dude....AND sheís got legs for days!

Stanís Mom enters the room and turns the T.V. channel.

STAN: Mom! What the hell are you doing? Weíre watching Xena.

CARTMAN: Yeah, she was just kicking some more ass!

STANíS MOM: Now, boys, you know I donít want you watching these violent shows. Look, hereís "Jesus and Pals". Enjoy...

Stanís Mom exits the room.

STAN: God Damn it! I donít want to watch no f-----g "Jesus and Pals"! I want Xena!

KYLE: Hey, maybe if we call in, Jesus can bring Xena and Gabrielle to South Park for real!

Kyle gets off the couch and dials the phone.

STAN: Donít be stupid, Kyle, Xena and Gabrielle arenít real.

CARTMAN: Yeah, dumb-ass! Heheheh...

KYLE: Shut up Cartman! At least Iím not a mongoloid crack baby like you!

CARTMAN: I...you...just....God dammmit!

On the television, the phone rings on the set of "Jesus and Pals".

JESUS: ...And hereís our first caller of the day. Hello, my son, how may I help you ?

KYLE: Uh, Hi Jesus. My friends and I want you to bring Xena and Gabrielle to South Park for a visit. Can you do that?

JESUS: Yes, Kyle, of course I can. Iím the son of God, remember?

KYLE: Dude! How do you know my name?

JESUS: That answer would again be "Iím the son of God", and besides, youíre the only other Jewish boy in town...So, you want to see Xena and Gabrielle?

Jesus snaps his fingers and Xena and Gabrielle suddenly appear on the set with him.

KYLE: Wow! Awesome, dude!

STAN: Cool!

CARTMAN: Kick Ass! You really are the son of God!

JESUS: Of course, Fat-Ass, and I know your every thought and deed...

Kenny squeaks and pulls down his parka hood. The other boys shiver in fear.

JESUS: Now, letís welcome our guests from an alternate reality... Xena: Warrior Princess, and Gabrielle: Amazon Queen and Bard of Potedaia!

XENA: What the Hades is going on here? Who are you?

JESUS: Well, Xena, Hades and the other gods from your world donít exist anymore. Itís just me and my Dad. Iím Jesus Christ: Son of God. Oh, and by the way, thanks for the donkey...

XENA: What the... Is this another one of those "One True God" things?

Xena draws her sword and stands protectively in front of Gabrielle.

JESUS: Calm down, my child. Yes, I am the real One True God...mostly...

GABRIELLE: Where are we? How did we get here?

JESUS: Welcome to South Park. I brought you here at the request of some of my children. They really dig the show, and I think youíre both pretty hot babes myself...but thatís all the time we have for "Jesus and Pals" today. Next, stay tuned for "Martyís Movie Reviews".

KYLE: Hey, what a rip! We only get to see Xena and Gabrielle for a few minutes?

STAN: What a bunch of crap!

JESUS: I hear you, children, and because Iím the son of God, Iím way ahead of you...

As the credits roll on his show, Jesus snaps his fingers teleporting Xena and Gabrielle into Stanís living room.

KYLE: Holy crap! Theyíre really here!

Xena points her sword at Cartman.

XENA: Alright, Fat-Boy, youíre gonna tell me whatís going on and how we get home RIGHT NOW !!

CARTMAN: (Crying) Oh, God, please donít kill me Xena...wahahah...

Gabrielle steps between Xena and Cartman .

GABRIELLE: Xena, calm down! Theyíre just innocent little children !

Xena lowers her sword, but gives Gabrielle a LOOK.

XENA: Gabrielle, I HOPE you remember the last time we had this discussion...

Gabrielle folds her arms and quirks her eyebrow at Xena. Cartman continues to cry like a baby.

GABRIELLE: Xena, I hope you remember patting an empty bedroll...

Xena sighs in defeat and sheaths her sword.

XENA: OK, but SOMEONEíS going to tell me whatís going on, and how to get home!

Gabrielle comforts Cartman as he sniffles.

STAN: Uh, hi Xena. Iím Stan, and this is Kyle, and Kenny, and that pathetic, sobbing piece of blubber is Cartman.

CARTMAN: Hey, you just shut-up Stan or Iíll kick you in the nuts! (Looking up at Gabrielle as she holds him) Iím just big-boned...

GABRIELLE: Itís not nice to pick on people who are different...

KYLE: Wow, Xena. Is she always so goody-goody?

Xena rolls her eyes.

XENA: Itís been getting worse lately...Anyway, Stan, is there an Inn or somewhere we can stay tonight? Iíll have to track down this Jesus character in the morning so he can get us home.

STAN: You can stay here tonight. Iíll have my Mom get the guest room ready.

HEY MOM! XENA AND GABRIELLE ARE SPENDING THE NIGHT, OK?

STANíS MOMíS VOICE: Whatever, dear. But I donít want any bloodshed in the house, and lights out at 9 oíclock, itís a school night...

STAN: The guest room is down the hall on the left. We have to go to school in the morning, and Jesus isnít on TV again until tomorrow night. Do you and (gulp) G-G-Gabrielle want to come to class with us?

CARTMAN: Yeah, and kick our stupid teacherís ass?

KYLE: And kill his creepy puppet?

XENA: Iíll see what I can do. (To Stan)Thanks, kid. Come on Gabrielle...

Xena exits the room. Gabrielle approaches Stan and kisses the top of his head.

GABRIELLE: Thank you, Stan for your hospitality.

Stan barfs on her feet.

GABRIELLE: eewwww......

Gabrielle exits, following Xena down the hall.

 

 

GABRIELLE: Xena?

XENA: Yes, Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE: How come our legs donít move when we walk?

CUT TO-

  1. STANíS BEDROOM.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are camped out for a slumber party. Cartman is surrounded by a nest of food.

KENNY: HHmmmfffghfrnn....

KYLE: Yeah, it rocks that your mom let us all sleep over, dude!

STAN: Iím such a dork! I canít believe I puked on Gabrielle!

CARTMAN: Yeah, you got it bad for her, donít you? Stan and Gabby sitting in a tree...

STAN: Shut-up, you fat-assed pig-f----r! At least I didnít cry like a mongoloid crack baby!

KYLE: Yeah, Cartman! Why donít you stuff some more Cheesy Poofs in your big ugly mouth !!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah?! Well you can just go to hell, s-----, @#$%&^^^ *&%^$&&^#^6&$&#&& ----g!!

STAN: Whoa Dude!

Suddenly strange noises are heard from the guest room...

KYLE: Holy Crap! What the hell is that?

Muffled moans, groans, and rhythmic thumping sounds come from Xena and Gabrielleís room.

STAN: Dude, I think theyíre like, making sweet love...

KYLE: But theyíre not even drunk...didnít Chef say you have to get really drunk to get in the mood?

STAN: That was just for the pig and the elephant, cause it was unnatural.

CARTMAN: My mom says two women together is unnatural...and Lebanese people will burn in Hell...

STAN: Cartman, you stupid ass-wipe! Itís Lesbian, not Lebanese!

CARTMAN: Thatís not what Ellen Degenerate said...

The boys listen against the wall as the sounds get more frantic.

STAN: Wow, I guess this means I donít have a chance with Gabrielle...

CARTMAN: Like you ever did...

The sounds get louder, then stop.

KENNY: MMMhhhnrgfgtyypnntsssmmm....

KYLE: Yeah, Kenny I feel funny in my pants, too...

STAN: Weíll have to ask Chef about Lesbians tomorrow...

Stan turns off the light and in the dark four pairs of blinking eyes slowly shut for sleep. Suddenly, the sounds start up again... All their eyes pop open.

CARTMAN: God damn Lebanese people...

 

 

 

END ACT I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT II

3. SCHOOL BUS STOP -MORNING

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Xena and Gabrielle are standing at the bus stop in the snow. Gabrielle is shivering.

KYLE: Hey, Xena arenít you cold?

STAN: Yeah, itís like 20 below zero and youíre wearing bathing suits!

XENA: No, boys, warriors donít get cold.

GABRIELLE: Thatís not what you said last night when you begged me to...

[HONK -HONK - SCHREECH!] The school bus pulls up violently. The doors open to reveal the Scary School Bus Driver Lady.

DRIVER: (To X & G) Who the hell are you?

STAN: Theyíre the new exchange students from New Greaseland. They donít speak much English.

Xena and Gabrielle smile and nod, going along with Stanís plan.

DRIVER: Arenít they a little big for their age?

KYLE: Their country doesnít have an ozone layer, so the radiation makes them grow real fast.

CARTMAN: Yeah, mutants! Kick ass!

DRIVER: (Shouting at X & G) WELL, OK, BUT DONíT CAUSE ANY TROUBLE!

STAN: You stupid bitch! Theyíre not deaf!

DRIVER: What did you say?

STAN: I said "I wish I could read the treble clef".

The driver grunts and they all get on the bus.

 

CUT TO -

 

4. MR. GARRISONíS CLASSROOM.

Cartman is reading his history report. Mr Garrison (and Mr. Hat) stand behind his desk. Xena and Gabrielle are squished into child-sized desks, sitting near Stan, Kyle , and Kenny.

CARTMAN: ...And then Xena drew Excalibur from the stone and with the help of the Knights of the Round Table, drove Caesar and the Romans from Britain forever! And that is why Catholic people are no longer allowed in Britain.

MR. GARRISON: Eric, that was by far the most ridiculous and inaccurate report you have ever given, which is saying quite a lot. None of those events happened in the same century, and half of your subjects are fictional! You are definitely the stupidest and fattest child Iíve ever had the misfortune of teaching.

GABRIELLE: But thatís how it happened! Itís true! I was there!

MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat, would you please tell this foreign mutant what you think?

MR. HAT: Well, Mr. Garrison, I think sheís going to fail this class and be deported back to her inferior little country.

Xena stands suddenly and the tiny desk breaks away from her body.

XENA: You had better apologize to my friend, RIGHT NOW!

MR. GARRISON: Or youíll do what? Rub some of your tan off on me?

Xena snarls and hurls her chakram at the teacher. He screams and starts to dive behind the desk, but not before the chakram severs Mr. Hatís head (Mr. Garrisonís hand). Mr. Garrison screams as blood spurts from his stump. The chakram ricochets off the chalkboard, the globe, and a statue of Demeter, then decapitates Kenny. His head rolls to the corner as rats descend on his corpse and carry it away.

Everyone is stunned silent for a few beats.

STAN: Oh my god! You killed Kenny! You bastards!

XENA: Ooops...Sorry about that, kids...

GABRIELLE: Xena, how could you!

XENA: Hey! It was an accident! Iím not used to just two dimensions!!

MR. GARRISON: (moaning) Oh, Mr. Hat...

Mr. Garrison faints in a puddle of his own blood. Chef enters the room.

CHEF: What the hell is going on in here? I heard screams...oh sweet Jesus! Alright, children, who killed Mr. Hat?

GABRIELLE: That would be the "Warrior Princess Baby Killer" here...And what about Kenny? The poor innocent child...

Gabrielle bursts into tears and cradles Kennyís head in her lap. Suddenly, more rats appear and take the head from her.

XENA: Give me a break! I said it was an accident! (mumbling)....

demonf----r...

GABRIELLE: I heard that, Xena! You want to get into it right here, right now? FINE! Borias...

Gabrielle and Xena start to circle each other threateningly...

XENA: David...

STAN: Wow, a real cat fight!

KYLE: Mmrreoowww!

CARTMAN: Sweet!

GABRIELLE: Marcus...

XENA: Perdickless...

GABRIELLE: Ulysses...

XENA: Khrafstar...oh, I mean DAHAK!

Everyone gasps, and a tense silence falls on the room.

KYLE: Low blow, dude...

Chef steps between Xena and Gabrielle and puts an arm around each one.

CHEF: Come on now, sisters. Play nice. Weíve got to get you both out of here before the pig fuzz shows up. Children, why donít you spin a good lie for the police chief, and Iíll hide our new friends at my house...

KIDS IN UNISON: OK!

Chef exits with Xena and Gabrielle as the sound of approaching sirens gets louder.

CUT TO -

 

5. CHEFíS LIVING ROOM.

Chef is sitting between Xena and Gabrielle on the couch.

CHEF: Now, I know you two have some unresolved trust issues, but youíve got to try and get along. A lot of people believe in the love you share and their lives would be empty if you broke up and the show ended. Iím not just talking about the womenís prisons, either...

GABRIELLE: Wait a minute! What do you mean "show"? What people?

CHEF: You know, the TV show you two are on every week. Lots of people watch it and theyíd be disappointed if -

XENA: HERAíS TITS! You mean youíve been watching us?! Spying on our lives?

CHEF: Here, let me show you...

Chef picks up the TV remote control and plays a tape of Xena: Warrior Princess.

Xena and Gabrielle are dumbstruck at the sight of themselves on the tele.

CHEF: Iíve got to get back to school and serve lunch. Thereís food in the kitchen, Iíll be back in a couple of hours...

Chef exits as Xena and Gabrielle continue to stare, transfixed.

 

CUT TO -

 

 

 

 

 

6. MR. GARRISONíS CLASSROOM.

Paramedics load Mr. Garrison(and Mr. Hat) onto a gurney as Principal Victoria, Officer Barbrady, and the children look on.

BARBRADY : OK, people, nothing to see here, move along...

PRINCIPAL: Ah, actually Officer Barbrady the children need to remain in class and you have to move along and find whoever committed this heinous crime.

BARBRADY: Right! Well, then, you didnít see anything and none of this ever happened, got it?

KYLE: Whatever, dude...

PIP: But , sir, excuse me...what about the warrior woman and -

STAN: Shut-up you limey bastard!

CARTMAN: Yeah, or Iíll kick your ass back to France !

Cartman reaches over and bops Pip in the face.

PRINCIPAL: Settle down, children. Eric, you just wait until recess to beat on Pip like everybody else...Now, Iíll be substituting for Mr. Garrison while he gets his hand sewn back on. Where did you leave off in the lesson? Ahh, here we are..."Polysexual Practices in Ancient Greece"...

CUT TO -

7. CHEFíS LIVING ROOM

Xena and Gabrielle are sitting on the couch watching tapes of Xena: Warrior Princess. Xena is drinking a beer, with several empty crushed cans around her. Gabrielle is eating Cheesy Poofs. Xena finishes the beer, belches loudly and crushes the can against her head. She tosses the can in the pile.

XENA: Baby, get me a chocolate chicken pot pie, will ya?

GABRIELLE: Get it yourself...

Xena farts, then grunts, scratches her ass, and pops open another beer.

 

CUT TO -

8. SCHOOL CAFETERIA

Chef is serving lunch as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman approach the counter.

CHEF: Hello, children. What can I get for you today? The special is Mongolian Beef...

STAN: Chef, what do you know about Lesbians?

CHEF: Hhhmmm, I only know as much as any man can about Lesbians; from what I watch on pay-per-view...but Iíll try to explain. You see, children, sometimes two women who care about each other very much express their feelings by making sweet love in front of a camera crew...

The "Greco-Roman Funk Explosion" lays down a slow, sexy groove.

The childrenís eyes get bigger and their mouths hang open as Chef continues.

CHEF: Oooohh, yeah, they rub their soft, sexy bodies together, slide their hot wet tongues around and mmm.....mmmm...(singing):

Iím gonna love ya, Warrior Princess, and keep you satisfied

Gonna make me an Amazon Sandwich, and love ya through the night...

KYLE: Chef, what the hell are you talking about?

The soul train derails as the music stops and Chef snaps back to reality.

CHEF: Oh,uh, sorry, children, I was saving that for later...so do you understand about Lesbians now?

BOYS IN UNISON: No!

CHEF: Good, glad I could help. Iíve got to go home and check on Xena and Gabrielle - RIGHT NOW!

Chef exits. The boys stand there blinking for a few beats.

CARTMAN: Hey, what about my Mongolian Beef? God Dammit!

CUT TO -

 

 

9. CHEFíS LIVING ROOM

Xena and Gabrielle are slumped on the couch watching themselves on TV. Empty bags of Cheesy Poofs and dead beer cans litter the room.

GABRIELLE: Wow! This is fascinating!

XENA: Gives me the creeps...(belch)...

GABRIELLE: I mean the way they manage to always cut away to - what did they call it - "commercials" whenever weíre about to, you know...

XENA: Do the "Bacchae Boogie"?

GABRIELLE: Yeah...Xena, maybe Chefís right. Our love has activated powerful goddess archetypes in the collective unconscious of an oppressive monotheistic patriarchal society. Thatís not something to throw away because of a petty argument...

XENA: Whatever, babe. Does this mean I get some tonight?

GABRIELLE: For the betterment of future generations? Oh, alright...

Xena takes Gabrielle in her arms and clears the beer cans off the couch.

XENA: I love it when you talk dirty...

They start making out on the couch, and donít notice when Chef comes home.

Chef enters the living room as the "Greco-Roman Funk Explosion" picks up the groove again.

CHEF: Mmmm, mmmm...Iím gonna save $5.95 tonight! Hey, sisters, save some of that sugar for the Gourmet of Love...

 

END ACT II

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT III

  1. SCHOOL YARD - AFTERNOON

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are standing in the playground. Several other children play nearby.

STAN: God Damn it! Now Iím even more confused about Lesbians.

KYLE: Yeah, I thought Chef would know for sure...maybe we should watch pay-per-view...

CARTMAN: I still say theyíre gonna burn in Hell...

KYLE: Damn it, Cartman! The only thing thatís gonna burn is your fat-ass when you momís next trick drops his crack pipe in the bed!

CARTMAN: Shut-up, you dirty Jew! Iím not the one going around all day dressed in leather with a whip, throwing a round killing thing and talking Lebanese and making little boys crawl on their hands and knees naked looking for the lighter under the bed but thereís too much smoke and I canít see...

STAN: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about?

Suddenly strains of "Carmina Burana" are heard as Borias rides into the playground on a huge war-horse, slicing through teachers with a scimitar as he nears the children. Body parts fly as blood gushes everywhere.

BORIAS: VER IZ DE CHILD ?!?

KYLE: Holy crap!

STAN: F-----g hey! Itís Borias!

CARTMAN: Kick ass!

Borias scans the group of children until he sees an Asian boy. Borias cuts through more teachers and some children blocking his path, grabs the boy and throws him over the saddle, then rides away.

STAN: Oh my God! He took Tommy Chong! You bastards!

Several black helicopters fly by in pursuit of Borias.

KYLE: Dude, didnít Borias die, like, ten winters ago?

STAN: I guess death doesnít mean much in the Xenaverse...

CARTMAN: Hey look, here comes Kenny.

Kenny, head and all, walks up to the boys.

KENNY: MMrrphggffmmm...

STAN: Oh, not much, dude. Hey, letís go to Chefís house and see Xena and

G-G-Gabrielle.

CARTMAN: Why? So you can puke on her again?

STAN: Shut-up, butt-pie!

Stan punches Cartman.

CARTMAN: OW! God dammit! Iíll kick you in the nuts...

The boys walk out of frame. The black helicopters return, flying in the opposite direction. One of the choppers has Borias and his horse in a net. Borias yells curses in Russian as they fly out of frame.

 

CUT TO -

11. CHEFíS BEDROOM

Chef is in bed with Xena on one side and Gabrielle on the other. A hookah is on the nightstand by the bed. Xena takes a drag and passes the pipe to Chef. Gabrielle is eating Happy Tarts.

GABRIELLE: Wow...these Happy Tarts taste SOOOO good...

CUT TO -

  1. FRONT STEPS OF CHEFíS HOUSE

The boys walk up to Chefís door and ring the bell.

 

CUT TO -

  1. CHEFíS BEDROOM

CHEF: Sweet Jesus! Who the hell is that? Pardon me, ladies, I have to go kill some damn fool white person...

Chef gets out of bed, puts on a robe and leaves to answer the door. Gabrielle and Xena look at each other across the bed, then Gabrielle throws the Happy Tarts away and pounces on Xena.

CUT TO -

  1. EXT. - CHEFíS DOORWAY

Chef opens the door.

CHEF: Children, what the hell are you doing here? Why arenít you in school?

STAN: Well, Borias showed up and killed most of the teachers before kidnapping Tommy Chong, so we figured weíd come over and see Xena and Gabrielle.

Chef blinks a few times.

CHEF: Uhh, OK, come on in then...

The boys enter the house.

CUT TO -

  1. CHEFíS LIVING ROOM

Chef stands while the boys sit on the couch. Dead crushed beer cans and empty bags of Cheesy Poofs still litter the room.

Xena and Gabrielle enter the living room, adjusting their clothing.

CHEF: Are you sure it was Borias, children? Yíall havenít been hanging out breathing the smoke at Cartmanís house, have you?

XENA: BORIAS? Doesnít anyone stay dead around here? Oh, hi Kenny...

GABRIELLE: Kenny! Thank the gods youíre alive!

Gabrielle bursts into tears and runs to embrace Kenny. Xena comes up to them and pats Kenny on the head as Gabrielle hugs him.

XENA: No offense, kid...Howís the head?

KENNY: MMMMrrmpphhhh, ggffftrrrtrsssmphhff...

Everyone laughs.

GABRIELLE: Oh, Kenny, youíre so articulate...

Gabrielle kisses Kenny on the cheek, he blushes and squeaks, then pulls his parka hood down. Gabrielle turns to hug Stan.

GABRIELLE: You have your friend back! Isnít life wonderful?

Stan barfs all over Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE: eeewwww...

XENA: At least it matches your outfit...

 

CUT TO -

  1. SCHOOL YARD

Principal Victoria and Officer Barbrady survey the carnage. Paramedics and coroners throw body parts into bags, then add the bags to a growing pile.

PRINCIPAL: God bless America! Oh, the humanity! And poor little Tommy Chong...well, there goes our ethnic quota for next semester...

Principal Victoria grabs Officer Barbrady by the collar.

PRINCIPAL: YOU MUST FIND HIM! WEíLL LOSE FEDERAL FUNDING!

BARBRADY : Calm down, now, Iím sure this is just your standard run-of-the-mill barbarian loot-and-pillage case...

Agents Scully and Mulder walk onto the scene. They flash their badges as they step over body bags and approach the Principal and Police Chief.

MULDER: Iím Special Agent Mulder, and this is my partner, Agent Scully.

SCULLY: We were informed a child was taken by a "barbarian", after said barbarian murdered several bystanders. Is this true?

PRINCIPAL: Yes! That son-of-a-biscuit took little Tommy Chong!

MULDER: Several witnesses also reported the appearance of unmarked black helicopters, apparently in pursuit of the suspect.

P.C. : Ohh, ahh, well, those were probably just some pigeons. Frankly, I donít think the F.B.I. needs to get involved...and Iím quite certain the Israeli Massad has nothing to do with this case...

MULDER: With all due respect, Officer , weíll be the judge of that...

PRINCIPAL: So, do you think this is related to the attack on Mr.Garrison and Mr. Hat earlier today?

BARBRADY : Ahh, excuse me, I need to go see a camel about a hump...

Officer Barbrady exits abruptly.

SCULLY: There was another incident like this?!

PRINCIPAL: Yes, one of the new exchange students, Xena, attacked a teacher this morning and killed his puppet, Mr. Hat.

MULDER: Xena?! Like from the TV show?

SCULLY: Mr. Hat?! Mulder, can I have a word with you?

Scully pulls Mulder out of earshot of Principal Victoria.

SCULLY: Mulder, I think we should leave this to the local FBI office. This is probably just a case of some deeply disturbed fantasy gamer finally losing touch with reality..

MULDER: No, Scully, I think weíre dealing with something worse than some internet geek acting out his latest Dungeons & Dragons campaign.

SCULLY: And just what would that be? A dead puppet?

MULDER: No, but the puppet thing is pretty creepy...Scully, I believe the television characters from "Xena: Warrior Princess" have somehow entered into our reality, and in so doing have left a rift that could allow characters from other shows in as well. Probably the result of a covert government operation along the lines of the Philadelphia Experiment...

SCULLY: Mulder, youíre insane! How could that be? Fictional characters from some campy syndicated T&A show on a murderous spree in South Park, Colorado?!

MULDER: Just trust me, Scully. Now, letís get to the bottom of this military-industrial-entertainment-media conglomerate conspiracy before more lives are lost...

SCULLY: (sighing) Well, then, how should we proceed? Put out an APB for Conan?

MULDER: No, "Borias", Xenaís dead lover from ten winters ago. A witness heard a boy named Stan call out that name when the attack began.

SCULLY: Mulder, sometimes I worry about you...

Mulder and Scully walk back to Principal Victoria.

SCULLY: Do you know where Xena is now? Or Stan?

PRINCIPAL: No, Xena and her friend Gabrielle disappeared before the police arrived. Hhmmm, maybe Chef knows where Stan and his friends are...

SCULLY: "Chef"? Can you tell us where this Chef person lives?

Scully writes down the information from Principal Victoria as Mulder watches some rats carry a corpse away.

SCULLY: I have Chefís address, letís go question him...

Scully and Mulder exit.

PRINCIPAL: Hey, what about our federal funding? Oh, Jimminey crickets!

 

CUT TO -

  1. CHEFíS LIVING ROOM

Gabrielle is washing the last bit of barf off when the doorbell rings.

CHEF: What the hell is this? A God damn convention?

 

Chef answers the door to see two Men In Black. They stun him with an alien weapon, and try to enter the house. Xena throws her chakram into the chest of one, and he drops dead to the floor. She unsheathes her sword as the second MIB points his weapon at her. Suddenly, shots ring out and the MIB screams as bullets rip his legs open. He crumples to the floor, writhing in pain. Mulder and Scully enter the house, guns drawn.

The boys look at each other, then start clapping. Xena stands protectively in front of the boys and Gabrielle.

SCULLY: Federal agents! Drop your weapon!

XENA: You first, Red!

Mulder steps between them.

MULDER: We wonít hurt you or your friends. Scully, lower your gun. Xena, put your sword away.

Xena and Scully stand down. Mulder kneels to check on the MIB.

MULDER: Damn! Theyíre both dead. This one must have had a suicide pill.

Scully kneels next to Chef. Chef groans.

SCULLY: Heíll be OK, heís just stunned.

XENA: Iím getting real tired of asking this, but who are you and what the FóK is going on?!?

GABRIELLE: Xena! Language! The children!

Xena gives Gabrielle a LOOK.

XENA: ARE YOU KIDDING?

MULDER: Iím Fox Mulder, and this is my partner, Dana Scully.

XENA: Fox? Dana? What the Hades kind of stupid names are those?

GABRIELLE: Xena, be quiet if you canít be nice!

Xena opens her mouth to say something, gets a LOOK from Gabrielle, and then sighs as she sits down on the couch next to the boys.

CARTMAN: Man, Xena, you are WHIPPED! If my woman talked to me like that Iíd be all "Hey, bitch, get me a chocolate chicken pot pie and a beer before I -

GABRIELLE: Eric Cartman! Hush!

CARTMAN: yes, maíam...

GABRIELLE: Iím sorry about the children (she looks at Xena). You seem to know who we are, can you help us get home?

MULDER: Iím not sure. I was hoping you could tell us how you got here.

GABRIELLE: Well, Jesus brought us here and -

SCULLY: Your saying that Jesus Christ brought you to our world? This just gets better all the time...

STAN: Hey, you guys! "Jesus and Pals" is on right now!

Stan presses the TV remote and "Jesus and Pals" comes on the screen.

MULDER: See Scully, I told you the military-industrial-entertainment-media conglomerate was responsible!

Kyle calls the show.

JESUS: Yea, though wickedness surrounds thee, fear not for I am always with you... next caller, hello, youíre on the air...

KYLE: Hi, Jesus.

JESUS: Shalom, Kyle. Whatís up? You boys want to meet the Baywatch babes now?

KYLE: Uh, no. Xena and Gabrielle want to go home. Can you do that?

JESUS: Oh course, Iím the son of God after all...Whenever Xena and Gabrielle want to return, all they have to do is say so, and being the most glorious and only son of God, I will hear them and send them home.

Xena jumps up and grabs the phone from Kyle.

XENA: Thatís it?!? Why didnít you tell us that yesterday?

JESUS: Well, the show was running a little long...which reminds me. "Martyís Movie Reviews" will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you a holiday treat: "BJ And The Bearís Christmas Spectacular". Enjoy!

The lights fade on the set and the credits roll.

XENA: Well, kids, I guess weíll be leaving now.

SCULLY: Wait a minute! Youíre suspects in a felony assault case, we have to arrest you!

MULDER: Scully, do you seriously believe we can make a case against fictional characters from another reality? I think the real criminals are the men who hired those corpses on the floor. Besides, I really like their show...although the third season has been awfully weak so far. Canít your people ever wrap up a plot line? Sheesh...

Xena and Gabrielle shrug.

GABRIELLE: Goodbye, boys. Fox, Dana, thanks for saving our lives.

Gabrielle puts her arm around Xena.

XENA: Uh, yeah, what she said...So, Jesus, you can send us home now. Oh, and donít forget about Borias...

Xena and Gabrielle disappear in a shimmer of light.

SCULLY: Well, Mulder, itís certainly been an interesting afternoon. How about we collect the bodies and call it a day?

They all look to where the MIB were, now two puddles of bubbling green goo.

MULDER: Damn! I hate it when that happens!

Officer Barbrady pulls up in his squad car and surveys the scene of Mulder and Scully standing over the puddles of goo, and Chef out cold on the floor.

BARBRADY: Carry on...

Officer Barbrady drives away.

MULDER: I guess this is goodbye, boys. Remember: the truth is out there...

Scully rolls her eyes as she and Mulder exit. The boys sit there blinking for a few beats.

STAN: Wow! That was the most awesome day of my life!

KYLE: Yeah, and we learned a valuable lesson, too!

KENNY: MMmmmrrpphhh, gggrhhhnnnnmtt; pprrrrmmphhh mmmrrgg ffssstmmmm, vvvvrrmmphhhhttt...

STAN: You said it, dude!

KYLE: Deep...

CARTMAN: Such is the nature of man...Hey, look! A Cheesy Poof! Sweet...

Cartman reaches between the couch cushions and eats the Cheesy Poof.

CUT TO -

  1. EXT. - IN FRONT OF CHEFíS HOUSE

Mulder and Scully walk to their car.

SCULLY: Mulder, Iím still not convinced this wasnít all some sort of hoax. Maybe thereís a Sci- fi/Fantasy Convention in town...

MULDER: Scully, If this is all a hoax, then maybe your crack scientific mind can explain something to me...

SCULLY: Yes?

MULDER: Why donít our legs move when we walk?

A haunting whistling theme is heard as the scene fades to black.

 

THE END

Whoop! There it is! Thanks to Karl and Laura for their input along the way.

Comments? Questions? Propositions? Send Ďem to- danacory@usa.net

 

Abusive messages will be virtually rolled up and used by Karl to virtually discipline uppity bottoms on the S/M boards.