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Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.


A SLOW BOAT TO CAIRO
or
CAPER, CAPER part 2
by Ryan Dever
quoth@shaw.wave.ca

SCENE 1

EXT. DESERT. DAY.
The sun is a scorching white ball in a clear sky. Desert shimmers through a long lens and three figures coalesce out of the heat, limbs and heads distorted by the effect but we know the voices.

AUTOLYCUS
(mimicking Xena) “I think the Nile's that way.” So where is it, already?

XENA
Save your breath.

Both sound as if they haven't had water for days. Xena's camouflage of oil and ash has sweat streaked and dried into zebra stripes. None of the travelers appear to be sweating anymore.


GABRIELLE
Xena? I've stopped sweating.

XENA
Me to. Awhile ago.

AUTOLYCUS
So?

XENA
One of the first signs of exposure. You lose the ability to sweat, no water.

AUTOLYCUS
Wonderful.

Just then they crest a dune and smile. The Nile stretches blue before them with lush greenery at its sides.


GABRIELLE
(eyes silted shut, lips sandy and dry) Last one in's a monkeys' uncle.

none of them run, they are too tired. They shamble down to the edge and continue right in.

SCENE 2

EXT. BANKS OF THE NILE. DAY.
Xena is brushing her teeth with the brush she bought from Salmonius. All of the travelers are much cleaner.

GABRIELLE
I cant believe I've actually got sand between my teeth. What's that?

XENA
A toothbrush. Got it from Salmonius.

GABRIELLE
Looks like it beats using a cloth. (which is exactly what she was just doing) Could I try?

XENA
Sure. (hands Gabrielle the toothbrush which she uses)

AUTOLYCUS
What are you two doing?

XENA
Brushing our teeth.

AUTOLYCUS
(to Gabrielle) You mean that that was just in her (Xena's) mouth?

GABRIELLE
(with a mouth full of tooth brush) Yepf.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh yuch! (to Xena) There are some date palms back here I could use help collecting. I'm starving.

Xena and Autolycus move back into the trees. Gabrielle continues to brush. Two small streams of bubbles drift towards her. Just as she glances at them the crocodile lunges for her. She throws herself backwards and does a frenzied crab-walk. The croc sinks below the surface again.

SCENE 3

EXT. DATE GROVE. DAY.
Autolycus is up a tree tossing bunches of dates down to Xena.

XENA
These would taste a whole lot better if we had some meat to go with them.

AUTOLYCUS
There's a nest up here. Maybe there's some eggs.

Gabrielle enters with toothbrush in hand. She is shaking and white. Xena's not looking at her she's still catching dates.


GABRIELLE
C-c-c-c-c cro cro cro cro

XENA
Crawdaddys? Great, well roast em with the dates. Good eat'n.

Xena grabs the toothbrush and goes.


GABRIELLE
Nah-nah n-n-no.

Autolycus looks into the nest and gets a beak in the face. He falls.


AUTOLYCUS
aaah! ough! (looking just in front of his face) Yams. (starts to gather)

Xena's at the rivers edge looking for crawdaddys.


GABRIELLE
crocodile. CROCODILE!

XENA
What?

Xenas head is turned to Gabrielle as the croc strikes. We watch the faces of Gabrielle and Autolycus as we listen to the sounds of titanic struggle. Quick cut of the crocs tail swinging. Xena tumbles into the shot with them and rolls immediately to standing. She pulls out her dagger and marches straight back to the water.


XENA
Oh, yeah?

CUT TO

SCENE 4

EXT. CAMPSITE BY THE RIVER. DAY.
They have all eaten very well and are lounging around the fire. Autolycus is picking his teeth.

AUTOLYCUS
Ever notice how anything you've never eaten before tastes like chicken?

GABRIELLE
How did you manage to?

XENA
Easy. I was hungrier than it was. First rule of being a carnivore, never mess with an animal hungrier than yourself. (sits up) Did you hear that?

GABRIELLE
Boat.

They go to the edge of the reeds and sure enough its a passing boat. A big, flat bottomed river boat with a paddle wheel in back and smokestacks, sort of Mark Twain goes Cleopatra.


AUTOLYCUS
Good ears.

GABRIELLE
Statistically women have better hearing than men.

XENA
Ahoy, the boat!

SAMUEL
Ahoy, the shore! What are you doing out here?

XENA
Were lost. How far are you going?

SAMUEL
All the way to Cairo, then on to Rossetta. You are Greek. (pause for a reply that is not forth-coming) You will be able to get a boat home from there. I'll send the skiff. Watch out for crocodiles.

SCENE 5

EXT. THE BOAT. DAY.
Xena and Gabrielle lounge in shaded deck chairs sipping tall slim coolies with fruit, their previously burned noses and lips are covered in bright zinc cream.

GABRIELLE
This is nice.

XENA
Yep.

GABRIELLE
(looking at her glass, and it is actually glass.) Its amazing what these people can do with sand. And these fruit drinks are incredible.

XENA
I'd be careful of those. We did just spent three days in the desert.

GABRIELLE
Oh c'mon, they taste like punch.

From screen right Autolycus strolls down the deck with Capt. Samuel and the Cook. Camera dollies left with them. Xena and Gabrielle scroll by in the background.


AUTOLYCUS
....so his wife says, “Zucchini.” And the serving wench says, “Zucchini? I thought we were having salami.” A-hah hah hah.

The cook thinks its funny, the Capt. is confused.


AUTOLYCUS
Well don't you get it? The serving wench thought it was salami because the husb- Well, hello.

Siduri passes in the opposite direction. She has dark hair, skin, and eyes and is clothed head to toe in brilliant primary silks. There is a ruby red dot between her eyes. Autolycus disengages himself from the men and follows her. Samuel and the cook shrug. Camera dollies right with Autolycus. Xena and Gabrielle scroll by in the background again.


AUTOLYCUS
I'm Autolycus. (she does not reply) Surely the gods would bless one so resplendent with a name.

Siduri smiles at his obvious ploy and decides to get him into trouble.


SIDURI
They did. It is Siduri.

The camera swings back to Xena and Gabrielle.


XENA
Do you think he has any idea that the red dot means she's married?

GABRIELLE
Would he care?

XENA
Only if her husband does. (looking to screen left) And there he is now.

Siduri's husband, Michlos, begins shouting off screen.


MICHLOS (V.O.)
What do you think you're doing with my wife, scoundrel!

GABRIELLE
That's a good word for him. I'll have to remember that for the journals.

AUTOLYCUS (V.O.)
What? Nothing, nothing! Forgive me, sir, for sharing your taste for beautiful women.

MICHLOS (V.O.)
What?! Sharing my women-

AUTOLYCUS (V.O.)
No no! I meant nothing of the sort. A thousand pardons, a thousand-thousand pardons.

Autolycus backs into the shot. Off screen we hear Siduri calming Michlos.


AUTOLYCUS
(still going backwards) How was I supposed to know she was married?

Autolycus catches his heals on Gabrielle's lounge spilling her drink, tumbles over her backwards and into Xena's lap.


AUTOLYCUS
(Inches from her chest) Hmm... Where did you get this little- Is it a scar?

XENA
From a mountain lion (forcibly lifting his eyes to hers) and it wasn't pretty. Now, get off me.

Autolycus reaches a finger out to touch the spot. Xena takes him by the ear with an accompanying rubbery sound


AUTOLYCUS
Right you are.

GABRIELLE
My drink, just great. (picks a piece of fruit perched atop her cleavage and eats it.)

Helen, the serving girl/chamber maid, passes with an empty tray.


GABRIELLE
Helen, just the woman I wanted to see. Could you get me another one of these?

AUTOLYCUS
Helen, what a pretty name. (exiting with Helen) You know a woman with your name is said to have launched a thousand ships.

XENA
You really should watch those drinks.

GABRIELLE
I'm all sticky.

SCENE 6

INT. SHIPS HALLWAY. DAY.
Autolycus and Helen walk down a hall that is lined with doors. Each door leads to a passengers room, the hall is about six inches wider than an open door. The general effect is of a double sided railway car. At either end of the hall are small anti-chambers (about six feet wider than the hall) that lead to the deck.

AUTOLYCUS
So your keys open all the doors on the ship?

HELEN
Only for cleaning and room service, of course.

AUTOLYCUS
You could service my room any time.

HELEN
The captain wouldn't like that. Were not supposed to fraternize with the passengers.

AUTOLYCUS
Fraternize is such an ugly word. Why not think of it as service with a smile.

They enter the lounge and cross to the bar. Simon falls into step behind them. In reality Simon is in his twenties but he looks fourteen and acts even younger. That is his cover, he is the thief who stole the ring from Gabrielle in the bar in Thival. Helen goes behind the bar to make Gabrielle's drink, Autolycus sits in front of it as does Simon. A twinkle catches Autolycus in the eye and he looks.

Sitting in a corner, engaged in conversation, are an Egyptian priest (Achnautn) and an older woman (Prosperino). The glint came from what hangs around Prosperino's neck, a very sizable sparkly. The gem is a flattened baguette cut blue-white diamond set in a platinum backing. Autolycus veritably drools at the sight of it but there is something else, Autolycus and Achnautn seem to recognize one another.


AUTOLYCUS
So, who's the woman talking to the guy in the funny hat?

HELEN
Prosperino. She makes the same trip with us every solstice and equinox. She goes to AsyÛt for the festivals.

AUTOLYCUS
So the priest is probably just traveling back with her.

HELEN
I guess. Never seen him before.

Helen places the finished drink on a tray and starts to leave. Once again Simon falls in behind them.


AUTOLYCUS
Go away kid, you bother me.

Simon goes to a corner and produces a recorder which he plays.


HELEN
He's too quiet. Came on board at Luxor and hasn't said more than a dozen words since. His family was wiped out in some kind of temple building accident. Had a note that said he's on his way to relatives in Cairo.

AUTOLYCUS
A note?

HELEN
Like I said, he's too quiet for a child.

SCENE 7

EXT. DECK. SUNSET.
Establishing shot: The sky is a many coloured sunset which reflects on the river. Crocodiles bask in the suns final rays, flocks of cranes take flight. Lazy dissolve to Gabrielle still in her deck chair. Her eyes are a little too soft, her smile a little too beatific. Over the soft rhythmic splash of the paddle wheel a bell rings.

GABRIELLE
Wow, that was magnificent. Wasn't it, Xena? (Xena's not there) Xena? (a bell rings again) Ah, dinner.

She stands and there is a minor sway.


GABRIELLE
Oop, don't have my sea legs yet.

She exits with glass still in hand.

SCENE 8

INT. DINNING ROOM. NIGHT.
All are gathered for dinner but none are seated yet.

XENA
Hello, Autolycus. I trust you had a pleasant afternoon chasing after Helen.

AUTOLYCUS
Perfectly lovely thank-you. Where's Gabrielle?

XENA
Coming, a little slow but she's coming. She's been having fruit drinks all afternoon.

We hear muffled singing from the hall and then distinctly


GABRIELLE
...the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps toniiight.
(entering) Ah-weee-a-we-ah, Ah-wee-ah wum-a-waay

she brushes up against Michlos


GABRIELLE
(shaking his hand) Hey, how ya doin. Gabrielle, bard for hire, I do kid's parties. (moves on to Siduri) You have the most beautiful cloths. (to Simon) You look familiar.

XENA
Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Xena! You missed-

XENA
Why don't you sit next to me. (Gabrielle does)

GABRIELLE
You missed the most beautiful sunset. It started azure, cerulean, kind of a... well bluish anyway and then the undersides of the clouds got all gold and there were these shafts of of ocher stretching up into the ah bluish - maybe they was more of a pink no no no! Veils of blushing Ra caressing the indigo verge of night.

XENA
Gabrielle, eat. (Gabrielle does as do the rest)

ACHNAUTN
Osiris has truly blessed us with such a magnificent feast.

PROSPERINO
Achnautn, has spent all afternoon telling me about the horrible famine in Abysinia.

MICHLOS
My wife, Siduri, has told me how every hundred years the land there dries like bones in the sun.

XENA
Are you from Abysinia, Siduri?

SIDURI
No, I am from the northern shore of the Red Sea. Abysinia is to the south.

AUTOLYCUS
If this famine happens every hundred years why don't they just prepare for it?

PROSPERINO
(she and Achnautn start to talk at the same time) Well- oh! May I Achnautn?

ACHNAUTN
Please.

PROSPERINO
(like a dutiful student) Well, it doesn't happen like clockwork. Within the hundred years the drought could vary by as much as twenty years. That's an entire generation. And even if they did store food in preparation it sometimes lasts as long as five years. Isn't that right, Achnautn?

Achnautn briefly ducks his head in agreement.


MICHLOS
Yes, Autolycus, and where would one store five years of food? Even someone as conniving as you would have trouble doing that.

GABRIELLE
Well, if you dug a really big hole and filled it with ice from the mountains. Then you could cover the ice with like sawdust or something so it wouldn't melt- oh, oh, wait! If you could dry the food at the same time so it was like dried and frozen, then seal out the air-

XENA
Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
Well you could. maybe not.

LAYERED FADE as the camera dollys around the table. Everyone is just about done, the cook is serving desert.


XENA
Sounds to me like you're planing to do something about the famine, Prosperino.

PROSPERINO
Oh yes. With Achnautn's help. Were going to send a caravan of food and water to them.

Achnautn looks embarrassed that she has told the others.


AUTOLYCUS
(perking up to what sounds like a scam) Oh really?

XENA
It's nice to see you're doing something worthwhile with your money. You must have quite a lot of it.

AUTOLYCUS
Exactly how much would a thing like that cost Prosperino, Achnautn? (Achnautn is the tiniest bit flustered at being figured out)

MICHLOS
You are concerned with money in the face of so much suffering? You are truly a shallow man, Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
Now just a cotton picking minute! I take offense to that. You don't even know me and you're impugning my character.

Gabrielle passes out face first into dessert.


XENA
Okay, party girl, party's over. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will excuse us (stands a floppy Gabrielle up) dinner was lovely but I'm afraid that my companion feels the need to retire. (leans close to Autolycus and whispers) Stop eyeing that woman's diamond. (puts Gabrielle over one shoulder in a fireman's carry) Goodnight.

as they exit we see that Gabrielle still has her glass in hand.


GABRIELLE
Ah-wee-ah wum-a-waay

SCENE 9

INT. LOUNGE. NIGHT.
The passengers are in small clusters engaged in conversation. Achnautn is running his scam on Michlos and Siduri.

PROSPERINO
(referring to her diamond) and it has a curse on it.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, go away.

PROSPERINO
No, really. My husband bought it for me from a man brokering the estate of a man who's spice caravan had been ambushed after he bought the stone in Morocco. Only four camels were left and when he got to Alexandria to sell the spice it turned out it had been poisoned. Well, a man who's wife died from the poisoned saffron wasn't very happy so he had the spice traders' entire shop burned down. With the spice trader still in it.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, you don't believe that.

PROSPERINO
Yes I do. My husband died three days after giving it to me. Anyone who's ever paid for this stone has died.

AUTOLYCUS
Well, that won't bother me.

PROSPERINO
What?

AUTOLYCUS
I said, I like to live dangerously. Could I hold it?

PROSPERINO
Well certainly. Were on a boat, its not like you could go anywhere with it.

Prosperino removes the stone and hands it to Autolycus. ANGLE OVER HIS SHOULDER we see a palm sized piece of clay in his hand. Flipping the stone as if to examine the backing he impresses it on the clay.


AUTOLYCUS
Beautiful. Magnificent. (yawns) All that desert sun must be having its effect on me.

PROSPERINO
You should go right to bed deary. Its about that time for me to.

AUTOLYCUS
Sound advise. Think I'll take a stroll around the deck first, get some fresh air. Goodnight, Prosperino, you have been charming company. Don't let the curses bite.

SCENE 10

INT. HALL OUTSIDE AUTOLYCUS ROOM. NIGHT.
As Autolycus opens the door to his room he sees Helen exiting Prosperino's room down the hall.

HELEN
Sleep well, Prosperino.

PROSPERINO
(VO) Thank you, dear.

AUTOLYCUS
Helen, what are you doing right now?

HELEN
Making up cabins for the night. (slyly) Turning down beds.

AUTOLYCUS
How about, you have a tea service sent to my room and when everyone's all tucked in you come and turn down my bed?

HELEN
Hmmm. (starts to leave)

AUTOLYCUS
And lots of sugar with that tea. A whole bowl.

SCENE 11

INT. AUTOLYCUS ROOM. NIGHT.
Autolycus is working over the tea service. He has the sugar bowl over the carafe heater. As time passes the sugar melts into a clear syrup which he pours into the mold of the gem he has made. He sets this aside to cool and prepares his gadgets for a trip out his window and into Prosperino's. CUT TO

EXT. SIDE OF THE SHIP. NIGHT.
Autolycus is hanging on the outside of the ship by a line that runs from his porthole to Prosperino's. A quick glance towards the bank shows us many pairs of glowing crocodile eyes. Hanging by his legs he moves hand over hand along to his target. He picks the latch of her porthole with a typically over engineered Rube Goldberg gadget and climbs through. We watch through the porthole as he ducks out of shot then reappears putting the real stone in his pocket.

SCENE 12

INT. HALL. NIGHT.
Helen exits Achnautn's room.

HELEN
Sleep well, Achnautn.

as she backs out of the room Simon bumps into her.


SIMON
(very sleepy) Sorry.

HELEN
Shouldn't you be in bed young man?

SIMON
(mumbling) Bathroom.

Simon continues to the bathroom, Helen goes to Autolycus room. Although we didn't see it Simon has just taken Helen's keys.


HELEN
Knock knock.

AUTOLYCUS
Who's there?

HELEN
Service with a smile.

There is the sound of a port hole being shut and thieves tools kicked under the bed. He opens the door.


AUTOLYCUS
Funny, I don't remember ordering any smiles from room service. (she backs him through the door by tickling him)

the door closes. Some muffled giggles. Achnautn's door opens and he creeps to Prosperino's door. Sliding a few picks from his sleeve he deals with the lock and slips inside.

SCENE 13

INT. XENA AND GABRIELLE'S CABIN. NIGHT.
Gabrielle's sleep is fitful. As if in a fever dream she starts to talk.

GABRIELLE
mmh! no Valas- feel.!!!! (sits bolt upright! Hand to mouth to hold back her technicolor yawn, she is immediately out the door.)

We pan to Xena who closes her one open eye.


XENA
Told ya.

SCENE 14

INT. HALL. NIGHT.
Simon is making for Prosperino's door when Gabrielle bursts into the hall, he hides. She turns the opposite way from him and exits without seeing him. Achnautn leaves Prosperino's room. Just before the door closes we hear her stir in her sleep. He exits the hall. Simon emerges from hiding not having seen Achnautn CUT TO

EXT. DECK. NIGHT.
Achnautn crosses the deck to where the skiff is tied and begins to untie it. Just as he has the knot loosened a door opens and light streams onto the deck. The cook emerges with a pot of waste from the kitchen which he throws from the opposite side of the deck to the river then goes back inside. During this the knot slowly slips free. Achnautn emerges from his hiding place and goes to where the skiff was only to see it drifting away. He curses furiously in silence pounding his hands on his knees then flinging his arms to the heavens in disgust. Well, there's nothing for it, he's just going to have to make a swim for it. He grabs the knotted rope that acted as a ladder for the skiff and starts his decent. About half way down he looses his footing and spins round. Now facing the shore he sees a few crocs swim out into the river. Naturally this has a rather sobering effect and he starts to climb back up.

SCENE 15

INT. PROSPERINO'S ROOM. NIGHT.
The room is dark. There is the sound of a key in the lock. The door swings open and a figure steps in; it is suddenly startled when -

PROSPERINO
What is all the racket on this ship?! Oh, hello. What do you want?

There is the sound of a dart leaving its blow tube. The sound is a little musical as the tube doubles for Simon's recorder. Prosperino takes the dart in the neck and slumps over.

SCENE 16

EXT. DECK. NIGHT.
Achnautn clambers back on deck. Thoroughly frustrated and panting he realizes that there is only one thing to do. He's going to have to put the diamond back. He leaves to do just that. The CAMERA PANS along the side of the ship with the water until the frame is broken by Gabrielle leaning over the edge. She has seen everything that Achnautn has just done.

SCENE 17

INT. HALLWAY. NIGHT.
Simon, shaking his head in bewilderment, is just entering his room as Achnautn steps into the hall. Achnautn hides around the corner of the door until the boy is gone and then goes to Prosperino's room. Once again he picks the lock and enters.

INT. PROSPERINO'S ROOM. NIGHT.
Achnautn places the diamond pendant back on the night stand and leaves, failing to notice that Prosperino is dead in her bed.


Continued...