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Boys will be Boys
by Tarena Scott
ACT 1 Scene 1 ( Evening. Outside the port town of Eion, just SE of Amphipolis, Macedonia)
Gabrielle: Xena, why would Aphrodite warn you about a band of barbarians marauding up in Thrace?
Xena: Because she's afraid her temple at Apollonia will be destroyed-- and you know that's one
of the few things she cares about. That and bugging Ares.
Gabrielle: Since when do we worry about Aphrodites' temples?
Xena: We don't. But I do worry about the people living in Apollonia. Drax and I go way back. He's
one of the worst warlords around. He'll slaughter everybody-- even women and children.
Gabrielle: You knew this guy back before you mellowed?
Xena: What ya mean-- mellowed?
Gabrielle: Forget I even said that. So what's the plan? You do have a plan don't you?
Xena: Of course I have a plan! We book passage on a Black Sea merchant ship bound for Apollonia.
Gabrielle: I know we're good, but 2 against 2000?!
Gabrielle: No, no- not at all. By the way here is that 5 dinars I owe you.
Xena: Gee- thanks!
Don't worry. I told you Drax and I go way back. When I dumped him he vowed revenge---
Gabrielle. Xena- exactly how many boyfriends have you had?
Xena: I never kiss and tell!
As I was saying before you annoy-er interrupted me-- I know how Drax thinks. If I challenge
him to single combat he'll jump at the chance. He was always pretty dumb.
Gabrielle: Aren't they all.
Xena: When I defeat Drax his troops will lose heart and go home.
Xena: Probably not, but by the time they get a new leader the Thracian militia will be ready for them.
Scene2 (Next morning , a inn in Eion. Xena enters the chamber where Gabby is sleeping)
Xena: Gabrielle--wake up! We've got trouble!
Gabrielle: What's wrong?
Xena: The only ship in port bound for Apollonia is a Krim trader
Gabrielle: Don't we have enough money?
Xena: Money's not the problem. Krim seamen won't allow women on their vessals. They think we're
Gabrielle: Bad luck! I'll give them bad luck! Where's my staff?
Xena: Hold it! I'd like to crack some heads too, but that won't get us to Thrace. We'll have to let it
We need to stow away somehow. Trouble is the Krim keep a strong guard posted on all their
ships to discouarge uninvited guests.
Gabrielle: Aren't there other ships?
Xena: Yes, but not for days. By that time Apollonia will be burned to the ground.
Let's get something to eat. Then we'll go to the docks and see what we can do.
Scene3 (The docks of Eion, near the Krim ship. A tall good-looking youth approaches Xena and Gabby)
Gareth: Hello. My name is Gareth. Maybe I can be of some assistance.
Gabrielle: You were named after a giant?
Xena: Never mind. She's always confusing people like that. What do you want?
Xena: What are you looking at down there?
Gareth: Uh-- nice mole.
Xena: Yeah, well don't try to make friends with my mole unless you feel like taking a long nap.
Gareth: Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm really not interested in that kind of stuff anyway.
Xena: They always say that.
Gareth: I'm different.
Gabrielle: They always say that too.
Gareth: You two need to get on that ship--right?
Gareth: I can help.
Gareth: I'm a member of the Eion Thespian Guild. For a small fee I can obtain disquises that will let you
get on board.
Xena: Disquises? As what?
Gareth: Acolytes at the Temple of Aphrodite in Apollonia.
Gabrielle: But they're all MEN!
Gareth: The robes, the false beards. You'll board at night. If you stay to yourself pretending to meditate,
and avoid speaking you can pull it off. It's only a two day passage.
Gabrielle: I don't look anything like a man!
Xena: Gabrielle, I've been meaning to talk to you about your upper lip.
Gabrielle: SHUT UP! THAT'S DIRT!
Xena: Just kidding. Gareth is right. We don't have a choice. How much do you want?
Gareth: Just 5 dinars.
Xena: It's your turn to pay Gabrielle:
Gabrielle: Xena, do you have 5 dinars I can borrow?
ACT2 Scene1 ( Deep in the hold of the Krim ship. Xena and Gabby are huddled in a corner in full
Xena: So far so good. Good thing you've got a deep voice.
Gabrielle: Don't you ever quit? I'm dying and you're joking.
Xena: Are you seasick?
Gabrielle: No, thank the gods, but I think this beard is made from mouse fur- with some of the mice still
attached. I think there's fleas too.
Xena: We'll be OK as long as the crew doesn't find out. Remember don't drink anything because we
can't have any calls of nature.
Gabrielle: Oh-oh. I didn't think of that.
Xena: Only a day and a half to go.
Gabrielle: I'll never make it.
Xena: Think of something else.
Gabrielle: You are kidding--right?
Xena: Think of home. Think of the Amazon Nation. All hail King Gabrielle!
Gabrielle: If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll never speak to you again.
Xena: Really? Hum--peace and quiet at last.
Gabrielle: That's it! From now on two bathtubs.
Xena: OK. OK. You win.
Scene2 (On deck, just the ship is about to enter port. The crew and our heroines are gathered near the
Gabrielle: (in her best manly voice) Apollonia at last!
Sailor: Now you Acolytes can begin a life of prayer, but first have a drink of grog, (he forces the mug to
Gabby's lips and knocks loose her beard).
By Zeus! A Woman! Quick lads-- we must throw her to the sharks before she curses us with bad
Crew: Get Her! Get her overboard!
Xena: Hold it boys! (rips off disquise). Your luck is about to go from bad to worse! (THE WARCRY)
Scene3 (On deck, in port. The city guards embark and discover the crew in various states of disrepair)
Sgt: Must have been on heck of a party! I know the Krim like to celebrate landfall, but how did they
manage to dock like this?
Pvt: Maybe the two women I saw running away piloted it in.
Sgt: Women on a Krim ship! Impossible! Have you been drinking on duty again Soldier?
ACT3 Scene1 (Apollonian marketplace. The merchants are quickly closing up in order to flee)
Merch: You'd better run for your lives!. We just heard Drax and his thugs are only 5 leagues away!
Xena: Where's your city garrison?
Merch: Most have fled already. They don't mind arresting the odd drunk and collecting taxes, but
they have no stomach for real fighting.
Xena: Just as well. They'd be wiped out anyway. Come on Gabrielle. We've got to stop them.
Gabrielle: No problem Xena. The way we smell they should all drop dead before they get within a mile of us.
Scene2 (A hill where Xena and Gabrielle confront Drax)
Xena: Drax! This is you last chance! Leave Apollonia in peace and go home!
Drax: Sure Xena. My men will be glad to give up all the loot and leave. Right men?
Men: Kill Xena! Kill Xena! Kill Blondie!
Drax: I guess I can't leave. Besides I've haven't killed my quota of women and children this month.
Gabrielle: You saw something in this guy? What where you thinking?
Xena: Well, I only saw something in one part of him- -and it wasn't his personality.
Xena OK Drax! Lets do it! You and me! ( Drax charges on horseback, preparing to hurl his spear
when Xena dispatches him with her Chakram. Draxs' army panics and flees)
Gabrielle: That's it!? What happened to your usual attack style?
Xena I don't know, I guess after taking out the Krim crew I was only in the mood for a quickie.
Gabrielle: Well, I'm in the mood for a long, long bath. Let's get back to town.
Xena: You realize the Krim ship is the only transport in the harbor.
Gabrielle: No way! I'm walking back to Macedonia.
Xena: That will take 3 weeks.
Gabrielle: I don't care if it takes 3 years.
Xena: You aren't going to talk all the way are you?
Gabrielle: Only if you don't sing all the way either.