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Xena, Gabrielle, Argo, Autolycus and Joxer belong to MCA, yada, yada, yada. BUT I wrote this baby (tho' I'd borrowed some scenes from X:WP). This story contains gross violence, Madness (with a capital M), a soppy bard and mild lesbian activities. Don't read it if this sorta things icks you out 'cos I won't be twisting your leg or attempt cutting off the flow of blood to your brain to get you to read it. Really.
This is my VERY first attempt at writing fanfic so *please* be kind. If I wanted critism I would've sent it to some gruffy publisher already. And Jeslyn, tho' you're here no longer, I want to dedicate my maiden story to you. You've been a wonderful Gabrielle to me. You rest in peace, my friend. I hope you're enjoying yourself in the Elysian Fields. I miss you.
Do feel free to email me your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org Thanks for reading and battle on Xenites! :)
And Jeslyn, tho' you're here no longer, I want to dedicate my maiden story to you. You've been a wonderful Gabrielle to me. You rest in peace, my friend. I hope you're enjoying yourself in the Elysian Fields. I miss you.
Do feel free to email me your comments at email@example.com Thanks for reading and battle on Xenites! :)
It was near dusk when the stumbling figure of a frantic man came running towards us. He was pale and quivering, constantly tripping as he looked over his shoulder. It was as if he expected some mean monster chasing close behind him.
"Xena?" I asked uncertainly as I glanced quizzically at her, tightening the hold of my hardy Amazon staff at the same time.
The magnificent figure of the warrior princess on her trusty battle horse could have made one gawk in awe. Her beautiful mane of wild black hair blew across her face. A strong face of delicate sharp features. Her icy electric blue eyes were locked unto the figure of the scrambling man heading in our direction.
The man's face finally came into clearer view, pure fear and panic written all over it. It was Joxer.
"Joxer?" both Xena and I called out uncertainly as the poor guy flopped to the ground infront of us. Argo neighed in surprise.
"Easy now girl, easy now," Xena comforted an excitied Argo, stroking her mane in an attempt to calm her down. No one really appreciated Joxer's presence.
I gently prodded the shaking man on the ground with my staff,"Joxer? Joxer,are you okay?" He seemed to be shaking... vibrating real bad.
Upon hearing his name, Joxer leap up and grabbed me by my shoulders. I could only manage a startled yelp before he started prattling away like an idiot. Come to think of it, it was like the idiot he really was.
"Village... monster... G-g-gorgon... HELP!!" Joxer spluttered as he jerked a skinny finger towards the small farming village behind him,"Whoa, hey!" Joxer exclaimed in protest as Xena lifted him up by his scrawny neck, releasing me from his grip.
Pulling him around to face her incredible baby blues, Xena glared at him cooly,"Joxer, speak *slowly*." Joxer gulped and shuddered abit as Xena placed him down. I looked at Joxer expectantly as he rubbed his aching throat.
"T-the village of Urania," Joxer gestured shakily behind him,"a Gorgon monster thing's causing trouble back there- she's keeping the virgins captive in her cave."
"A Gorgon?" I asked Joxer, rising my eyebrows slighty at his pale, flustered face.
"Yeah," Joxer nodded his head at a rather alarming speed. Looking at him, I was kind of worried that it might just break off and roll off his scrawny shoulders.
"Strong female with venomous snakes on her head... ability to turn strong men into stone with just one evil, *evil* glare from her dangerous eyes..." Joxer animated with twisted features on his contorted face, hands claw-like and outstretched,"Yeah!"
"Uh-huh, a Gorgon. That's right," I grimaced as I turned away from him,"Definately a Gorgon." I glanced over at Xena, saddled on Argo. She was squinting into the horizon, over at the once peaceful farming village of Urania. It reminded me just so much of my home village Potedaia.
I cleared my throat like I always did when I wanted my audiences' attention before I recited a poem or story. Joxer, Xena and Argo shifted their gazes at me, looking on expectantly.
"It's written that a Gorgon is a demoness of great power and strength. She has a great mass of poisonous, lethal snakes on top of her head and once she sees a man in her lair, he would be turned to stone by her evil eyes once he looks at them," I turned my head slowly and looked at my bestfriend," And a Gorgon can only be destroyed when..."
"She sees her own reflection or by beheadment," Xena completed my sentence, a thoughtful expression showing as she looked at me.
"Beheadment?" I questioned, narrowing my eyes. I'd heard about the first method but beheadment? I looked back at her but Xena simply raised her eyebrows gently and smiled abit.
There was a brief space of silence before Joxer interrupted. Dusting himself importantly, he announced in his uniquely-Joxer way that he was chickening out. Well, not exactly the way I put it but you get my meaning.
"Hey guys, I would like, really, really like to help you on this one," he explained as he clumsily adjusted his lop-sided helmet," it's just that, well uh, it's my great-grand-aunt's birthday tomorrow so I uh, well, I uh..."
I raised my eyebrows playfully, grinning," It's okay Joxer. We understand." Yeah right. The guy was just too chicken. But you had to understand that he's just being himself. He is afterall JOXER.
"You do?" Joxer asked in an almost incredulous tone.
"Yeah sure we do," I could be THE actress sometimes. Xena grunted beside me. Come to think of it, so did Argo.
"Thanks Gabby. Xena, I'm sure you guys will win hands down- no Gorgon can beat you guys. So eh," Joxer cleared his throat as he adjusted his creaky "hand-pounded" armour," Bye for now."
And with that, Joxer sprinted away like one of Zeus'lightning bolts, his pale skinny arms flailing about, as if running for dear life.
"Typical, isn't he?" I remarked as we watched in amusement as Joxer disappeared over the hills.
Xena smiled warmly as she turned to face me," You know, he's right. No Gorgon can beat us." Raising an exquisite eyebrow, she continued," I'd killed a Gorgon and the Medusa sometime back... with a little help."
"THE Medusa?" I enquired excitiedly," Xena? YOU killed a Gorgon and slayed THE Medusa?" I blinked in admiration and awe at my bestfriend. This warrior woman was unbelieveably fantastic. WOW.
"Yeah," Xena smirked as the three of us girls headed down the gentle slopes of the hill towards the village in peril," I killed the Medusa by tricking her into looking at her own image and as for the Gorgon... I'd cut her head off with my sword. It's funny really. That visiting Gorgon was the Medusa's niece. Mother's side."
We passed through the once occupied farming village of Urania. It was empty now. Depressingly empty. It was as if everyone left in a hurry. We made camp at an area near the small village and Xena started a small fire. The soft grass there was blissfully sweet and fragrant. There was also a lovely view of the full, sensous moon and a whole lot of bright, twinkling stars. It was as if the magic of Aprodite was in the air.
Xena was seated in a guarded stance on a flat rock, swirling the last of the strong port I'd poured out for her before putting the dark liquid to her full, sensous, red lips. I hated the stuff but Xena always liked some port to round off the meal.
It was after dinner and that night, we had a rather hearty meal of stewed rabbit and nutbread. As usual, I was seated near the fire, working on my scrolls. But that night, I just couldn't help but notice the warrior princess so deep in thought.
I must have been staring at her for a noticeable length of time for she suddenly turned her zapping crystal blues at me, left eyebrow raised. I hurridly turned back to my scrolls, flustered and gulping. Damn Hades, what was my problem?
"Gabrielle?" Xena drawled as she walked over to me, her strong warrior woman arms swaying slightly, biceps buldging softly beneath the leathers, her soft mane of dark hair blowing in the gentle breeze. She stood infront of me, moonbeams streaming softly down on her.
It might have been the magic of the moon or something, I don't know. But suddenly, my passionate heart lurged forward and I felt an instant painful longing... a similiar feeling I'd had with Perdicas on our wedding night. That was before that Callisto bitch killed him in cold blood. I shut my eyes abruptly, remembering his cold limp bloodied body in my arms.
"Gabrielle?" Xena called out again, concern written on her face,"Are you all right?" I snapped back to reality instantly, staring straight into her concerned blue eyes.
"Huh?" I tried acting innocent but it was just no good. It would take a lot more to fool the intelligent beauty.
"Are you okay, Gabrielle?" Xena asked again, shaking me gently. I blinked. Those eyes of hers... they were just so magnificent it was hard describing their wonderous beauty.
"I'm fine, Xena, really,"I lied as I flashed her a bright smile,"I'm just ah, edgy about the Gorgon thing that's all." I grinned until it hurt, trying my best to sound casual about the whole thing.
Xena smiled and patted my shoulder reassuringly," You'll be okay, Gabrielle. There are only two of them ancient hags left, I think." She pulled away and settled down comfortably onto the soft, fragrant grass beside me," I'm pretty sure we can handle them."
I left my scrolls and laid down on the soft grass beside her. I could almost feel the warmth of her body and smell the distinct smell of her leathers. I sighed.
"That's easy for you to say," I remarked, looking up into the starry skies," You've had practise. The closest I've ever got to, Xena, was a couple of Titans and Cyclopses. A very, incredibly dumb Cyclopses."
"Mm-hmm," Xena chuckled as we lay on our backs, admiring the beauty of the night. There were probably millions of bright stars out that night, illuminating the dark sky with their brillant beauty. It was a beautiful night. It might even have been magical.
"Gabrielle, have I ever told you that-" Xena started but suddenly broke off. She sat up abruptly and grabbed her sword. "Somebody's here," she whispered as she gestured me to keep silent.
Frowning, I picked up my staff and got prepared for a sudden attack. Oh sweet Athena, why couldn't she have completed her goddamn sentence? I tightened the grip of my staff in frustration.
Xena's keen eyes darted around in the heavy cloak of darkness, her well-trained ears listening for the intruder's approaching footsteps. And suddenly, just as we expected, a dark shadowy form burst out of the bushes. It's head was huge, with pointy edges swaying around it. It was shaking very badly as it rushed towards us.
"Gabri..." it rasped as it held out its hands towards me.
THWACK!!! I gave it a hard blow on it's neck with my trusty Amazon staff and the monster collapsed at my feet instantly. I was about to turn towards Xena and remark that that was just way too easy when I screamed bloody murder. The monster on the ground had clamped one of its icky hands unto my left ankle.
"Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!" I shrieked frantically as I whacked it consistently with my staff. I was near to hysterics and close to throwing up.
"Hold it," Xena commanded as she walked over to the now unconscious figure lying on the ground before me. I tried shaking off the clamy hand that held on fast to my left boot but it just held on tight.
"Xena, I think I'm going to be sick," I complained, close to gagging. I steadied myself with my hardy stick, keeping myself from hyperventilating.
Xena turned the fallen figure unto its back with her foot, the blade of her sword pointing to its throat the whole time. Suddenly, she smirked and rolled her eyes as she replaced her sword. I could have screamed my lungs out when I saw the figure.
"Don't worry about it," Xena comforted me reassuringly as she squeezed my shoulder, sensing the tensed muscles," It's only Joxer."
The limp form on the ground started stirring, groaning loudly. Xena extended a helping hand towards him and Joxer grabbed it immediately, hauling his lanky frame up. It was almost all too comical. He was rather badly bruised and had a thin trickle of blood coming down from his nose. A ridiculous looking bush with falling twigs on it was sticking out of his heavily decorated helmet. Joxer started spluttering and wheezing away.
"Joxer!" I exclaimed, not knowing whether to laugh in relief or to continue beating the remaining living daylights out of him,"What in Tartarus are you doing here? And what in the name of Hades is that stupid bush doing on your head?" I demanded as I tried pushing out the option of killing him out of my raging mind. Beside me Xena grunted, arms folded.
He really did look silly (not that he looked intelligent to begin with) with the bush on his head. And to top things off, the bush was badly disintergrating over his head.
"This," Joxer exclaimed as he tried adjusting the long twigs over his head, but just succeeding in making more fall over," is called *camouflage*. And I," Joxer paused dramatically, puffing his skinny chest out,"Joxer the Mighty, have came back from distant lands to help you guys do battle."
"And I thought he was Mommie's boy," Xena rolled her eyes upwards in disgust,"Joxer, are you aware that these Gorgons can actually TURN MEN into STONE?" Xena enquired, raising an eyebrow as if mockingly as she turned to face him.
"Yea-ah...," Joxer shifted uneasily," but hey, I knew you guys really wanted... needed my help due to my expertise skills in handling women." Joxer only stopped when he realised both Xena, me AND Argo were gagging hard.
"Well hey, c'mon- I heard there were two of them and they're pretty hard to deal with. So, if there were three of us..." Joxer stopped short when Argo grunted as if displeased," Oka-aay, if there were *four* of us, we would probably stand a better chance at finishing them off."
I blinked and then glanced over at Xena, catching her wary eye.
"Aww, c'mon- don't you think?" Joxer looked over at us earnestly with pleading schoolboy eyes, more leaves and twigs falling over his face.
"We need a plan, Xena. I mean, those Gorgons are dangerous aren't they?" I asked as I gently touched her arm. It could have been my over active bardy imagination but I thought I felt her flinch.
"Oh Xena- I heard those Gorgons got infuriated 'cos their baby, their favourite jem- The Eye of Hera, got stolen by some thief. They caught him, turned him into a stone statue and all but they havn't recovered the stone," Joxer dutifully reported. He paused for a beat then *had* to add," C'mon, I'm in the team aren't I?" He looked at us (including Argo on this one) pleadingly with longing puppy-like eyes.
I could have puked out the rabbit and nutbread I'd had for dinner, by just looking at his dopey expression. But being the softie I was, I felt for him. And I guess so did Xena.
"All right Joxer, you're in," Xena grimaced as he joyfully rushed over, engulfing the both of us in a tight bearhug.
"Group hug!" Joxer cried out gleefully as he damn nearly crushed the life out of the both of us.
It was morning and I felt the warm sunshine stream down unto my skin. I didn't want to wake up. Not yet anyway. I rolled over lazily, feeling my bestfriend's warm body beside mine. Then I heard the worst sound ever.Joxer's sickeningly awful chirpy voice in the early morning.
"Rise and shine everyone, rise and shine!"Joxer called out cheerfully. With a twinge of regret, I felt Xena rise up to a sitting position beside me. I sighed. I just absolutely hated waking up in the mornings.
"Rise and shine, yeah, yeah," I grumbled as I forced myself up to a sitting position, rubbing my sleepy eyes,"I will rise but I *refuse* to shine."
"Well I got us breakfast," Joxer announced proudly as he fished something out of his basket-like helmet," -sweet potatoes!"
Xena grunted loudly as she stretched. I watched in awe, admiring her buldging muscles. She really looked great in leather. Positively awesome.
"C'mon," Xena told me as she yanked me up from the ground to a standing postion. It wasn't all that bad, I decided, at least I woke up to a pretty sight-- and I *DON'T* mean Joxer.
When breakfast was over, we headed out for the Gorgon's lair. Joxer was telling us all about how he found out about the village in peril and about the Gorgon's precious jem, a stone of special powers, the Eye of Hera.
"I was on my way to see my second cousin Boxer, he's a wonderful fighter- captain if his division, in fact," Joxer exclaimed proudly as we travelled. I bit down the urge of asking him "And what happened to *you*?"
"Anyway," Joxer continued,"I was going through the village of Urania when EVERYBODY started packing up and leaving. I told them that I was Joxer the Mighty and they had absolutely nothing to fear with me around but they left anyway. But I learnt from this old woman that someone's stolen the Gorgon's most precious jewel-"
"The Eye of Hera?" I interjected innocently.
"Yes, the Eye of Hera," Joxer frowned at the interruption,"and it was mising. So unless the Gorgons get their stone back, a virgin would be held captive in their cave for every day the stone is missing until it's returned."
"Very understanding," I muttered under my breath as Joxer continued his story.
"The Uranians soon ran out of virgins to pacify the angry Gorgons so they decided to pack up and leave. It was a frenzy, really. I tried calming everyone and restore the peace and order but they wouldn't stay. So I took a little walkie in the woods- this woods," Joxer gestured, facing us as he told us his encounter, walking backwards,"...and then I heard this truly... horrifying scream- far worst then Callisto's. So I ran to escape that Gorgon's wrath. And found you guys."
He was probably about to speak somemore but I cut him short.
"By the gods, Xena, look- isn't that Autolycus?" I cried out as I ran towards a stone statue of the self-proclaimed King of Thieves. Something told me that this wasn't a regular statue. I knew it had to be our dear friend Auto ...but the charmer wasn't flesh anymore- he was just cold stone!
Xena was by my side almost instantly, her face grim as she touched the stone statue's cold face. "That's what I expected," she said softly," it was Autolycus who stole the Eye of Hera."
The plan was set. Joxer was to be the diversion. The decoy. He was to go into the Gorgons' lair, holler that he had news of the stone and run out before they could get him, racing away as far as he could away from those Gorgons on good 'ol Argo. And he was *not* to look any Gorgon in the eye the whole darn time. Xena and I would then go in to free the virgins and try to find a way to break the spell of those unlucky men inside that were turned to stone.
"Why is the stone so special to them, Xena?"I enquired as we trudged nearer towards the Gorgons' lair. It was almost noon and the sun was hot. I was seated behind the warrior princess above Argo while Joxer klutzily marched behind us, singing his song.
"Lengend has it that the Eye of Hera has special powers that can enable the bearer to travel through time. A very special power, if you ask me," Xena remarked, guiding Argo along the right path as she spoke,"The jewel was made by the goddess Hera herself and the Gorgons were made its protectors. The stone's a real beauty, having the remarkably brillant colours of a peacock's feather."
I took it all in and looked down from Argo. Joxer was still singing to himself his "Joxer the Mighty" song. If it gets louder, I swear, I'll get Xena to cut the flow of blood to my ears.
We finally reached the cave where the fearsome Gorgons dwelled. "All right, Joxer," I told him," you know the plan."
Joxer puffed out his skinny chest and readjusted his helmet before ducking inside the cave. Xena and I waited outside. We didn't have to wait that long 'cos soon after, Joxer came scurrying out of the cave like a flustered chicken, an enormous looking fearsome Gorgon with a thick pile of venomous snakes attached to her head, hot on his heels.
Joxer leapt unto Argo and raced away like mad, the snarling Gorgon chasing close behind. I said a silent prayer for both Argo and Joxer. But wait, wasn't there supposed to be *two* Gorgons?
"C'mon Gabrielle," Xena whispered urgently as she yanked me into the cave. Peeking in, we saw numerous stone statues of various men in running positions. Fear, shock and terror were each written on every contorted face. Dry, broken animal bones were strewn all over the floor. And on many coners, dark patches lingered on the ground. It was a gruesome sight. Looking up, we saw a group of about twelve young girls locked up in a suspended bamboo cage attached to the top of the cave. A Gorgon was nearby, singing awfully to herself as she attempted shampooing the squirming, slithery snakes on her head.
The snakes obviously hated the soap spuds and most were squirming as she rubbed and squeezed and strangled them. I thought I heard a few choke, splutter and wheeze. Distictly.
We needed a distraction. And I had just the plan. Tugging at Xena's arm, I whispered my idea into her ear. She was *not* going to back out on this one.
"Ahem, excuse me," I called out richly to the shampooing Gorgon as I stood inside the cave, my warrior beside me, wearing my past-season's blue dress and carrying a heavy-looking bag,"I am Madame Gabrielle deMorcassa, the best hair stylist and shampoo madame in all of Greece. It was you who made an appointment with moi, is it not?"
I was using the Frenchie accent I'd used as Xena's sponser when she was Miss Amphibolis in a certain beauty pageant. Very cheesy, but I hoped it worked. I would only use violence as the last resort, being the peace-loving me.
"This pretty lass,is my assistant Xanthe," I gestured to a rather... womanly-looking Xena. Xena did a cutesy curtsy in the tight dress, smiling sweetly at the monster in the corner. We were both women so the Gorgon couldn't possibily turn us into stone unless one of us was really a man in drag (but sex-changes were quite unheard of in ancient Greece). But that didn't mean that the Gorgon couldn't kill us by any other means.
"What? What did you say?" the Gorgon ceased her glass-shattering singing and turned to face us, her red-rimmed evil-looking eyeballs burning like hot red embers. Her soapy snales wavered in the air, soap spuds forming a strange halo over her head.
Walking over, I swallowed when I got a closer look at her fangs. Zeus, this was definately one person... creature that you should never *ever* get a hickie from. You might just die from a haemorage.
The suspicious Gorgon narrowed her eyes, studying the both of us," I made no such appointment."
"Well someone did make an appointment with me," I insisted confidently as I walked over in my formal dress, passing her my business card. Sort of.
"Hmmn, must've been my ssssssister," the Gorgon snarled,"But since she's not here, you can do mine instead." By quick reflex, I managed to pull my hand away out of the reach of a particular vicious strand of... snake before it could take a bite of me.
"There now, Vychan,"the hedious scaly snake-haired Gorgon cooed lovingly, patting the wormy snake affectionately,"...be gooood now little one- Madame deMorcassa and her assistant Xanthe will fix you pretty one up nice and good, or they will become tonight's *dinner*."
I gulped. Yup, I got the message all right. I could've kicked myself for my stupid plan. I was going to get the both of us killed. I felt sweat break on my forehead. I grimaced,"It is very hot here, is it not?"
"Uh, by the way, Miss," Xena addressed the Gorgon,"...can I have a tub of clean water to wash your head in?"
The Gorgon sighed lazily and after awhile, came plodding back with a tub of steamy clean water. She then plodded back to her seat, waiting to be served upon, her hair of snakes alive and waiting.
"You've got very... unusual hair,"I remarked, shaking a bottle of shampoo in my hand. Beside me, Xena was noisily rumaging through the bag. I forced a grin," Very nice shade indeed."
"Ah, well..." the Gorgon rasped as she flipped through an outdated scroll," it runs in the family."
"Hey- hey, look at the tub! The water!" Xena suddenly cried out shrilly, making the both of us instantly turn to look into the tub. It was brillant of Xena, really. The Gorgon looked into the tub of clear water and that did the trick. She saw her reflection.
"Bummmer..."the Gorgon cursed as she started turning into greystone. Suddenly aggitated and furious, she screamed in a horrifying shrill a thousand times worse than Callisto's, hands clawing madly in the air. She was probably in pain.
"You tricked me...you blasted mortals!"the furious Gorgon snarled, fire smouldering in her red eyeballs,"Nooooooooooo!!!!" The Gorgon screamed in total agony before turning completely into stone. Xena pulled me away just in time, before the grey rock exploded into a million pieces.
"Yayy!!" The girls hanging from the suspended cage cheered. They had been watching us all along, probably even praying for us. Xena's chalram flew by, snapping free the ropes that hung the cage containing the Uranian girls off the floor. The wooden cage broke on impact with the floor and the girls tumbled out.
"Xena, Xena we did it," I grinned,"we destroyed the Gorgon." It took me awhile to realise that when Xena pulled me to safety, she'd pulled me to me and we were now locked in an embrace.
"It was a fantastic plan, Gabrielle," Xena laughed as she almost reluctantly entangled me from our embrace,"...and wonderful acting."
Just then, several of the stone statues came back to life. Those turned to stone by that Gorgon had been freed from her spell. The curse was broken when the Gorgon was destroyed.
"The bitch is dead!" the men joyfully cried out, embracing one another. Some of the remained unchanged however, and will stay in their rocky state until the other Gorgon was killed.
"Lead these people out of here, Gabrielle," Xena instructed as she wriggled out of my tight blue dress, her armour underneath,"I've got to help Joxer." I watched her leave as I helped one of the Uranian girls to her feet. It was then that I realised I loved her.
Joxer was frantically urging Argo on faster, the blood-thirsty Gorgon hot on his trail. The Gorgon was screaming its lungs out while chasing him. It must be suffering from a bad case of PMS or s'thing, judging its bad... no, *foul* temper.
"It really is nice of Xena to lend you to me, Argo,"Joxer whispered into Argo's ear. Then it suddenly dawned on him,"Hey- you're *female*!" Suddenly, Joxer felt himself being knocked off Argo, landing in a heap on the hard, dusty ground, the fuming Gorgon on top of him.
"Hey, whatcha doin'?" Joxer tried to say as he flipped around. But while doing so, he unintentionally stared into the evil red glowing eyes of the raging Gorgon (who was NOT suffering from a bad case of PMS BUT from early menopause).
Almost instantly, Joxer felt himself turn to rock. The last thing he heard as an all too familiar warcry from a certain warrior princess before he turned into a cold, lifeless stone statue.
"Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!" Xena cried out as she landed a mighty kick unto the Gorgon's head. Surprisingly, the thick pile of snakes on the Gorgon's scalp flew off due to the impact and landed in a thorn bush a few yards away.
"My wig!"the infuriated demoness squealed as she watched it sail into the bush. She started whining when she felt the top of her empty, dome skull. It didn't occur to her that she should be thankful that her head was still attached to her shoulders.
"Take this, you monster!" Xena yelled as she slammed a graceful spinkick into the Gorgon's stomach. She threw a powerful punch into the side of the Gorgon's face and to Xena's surprise and disgust, the demoness' dentures flew out.
"Ewww..." Xena grimaced, disgusted as she watched the thing fly and hit her metal breast-plate with a "CLANG!". She abruptly crushed it with a stomp of her foot when it landed on the ground, infront of her.
"Yew arr 'onna vay fer viz, oortle! (You are gonna pay for this, mortal!)," the crimson-faced bellowing monster screamed as she charged towards Xena with her scaly green arms outstretched. Xena chuckled. It was like fighting with her old grandmother.
I had brought out the lucky ones from the Gorgon's lair and urged them to leave the place at once and to steer clear away.
"I need to help Xena," I explained before rushing off in my regular clothes, trusty stick in hand, following Joxer's horse tracks.
"Yah!" Xena shouted as she clashed her sword against the Gorgon's scaly right leg, watching it break off. It wasn't a real leg. Just a fake.
The elderly Gorgon howled as she saw her artifical leg fall off. She had spent a fortune having it fixed. She tried aiming a blow at the warrior woman's stomach but failed. Reaching up to touch her eyes, she realised her glass eye had rolled out and she only had her one (not so) good eye left.
I followed the horse tracks skillfully, thankful that Xena had taught me how. On the way, I met a living, breathing Autolycus, sitting on the ground, shaking his head uncertainly as if in a daze.
"Auto!" I cried out joyfully, rushing over to hug the dishevelled King of Thieves,"You've turned back- great!" The King of Thieves mumbled an inaudible reply into my chest. I released my hold immediately, apologizing,"Sorry about that Autolycus, did I crush you?"
"Nah, I'll live,"Autolycus grinned as he forced himself up,"It would be great if you could... inspect the damage but Xena would probably kill me." "Huh?" I blinked. Then suddenly I remembered.
"Hey wait," I called out, grabbing his sleeve,"Gimme the stone- The Eye of Hera. Now!" I must have said it more forcefully then intended for I startled him abit.
"X-Xena, right?" Autolycus gathered as he turned away from me, fishing something out from his pants. I tried peering over his shoulder to see where the infamous King of Thieves had stashed away the jem. It had to be a good hiding place for the Gorgons to miss. But before I could see where that was, Auto spun around abruptly, stone in hand.
"Uh-uh-uh," Autolycus taunted playfully, shaking a finger at me, the jewel behind his back,"...not until..." He bent a cheek towards me, his features cheeky. Rolling my eyes, I gave him a quick peck on the cheek before grabbing the heavy stone and rushing back to my warrior princess. Auto must have sweaty palms or s'thing, I reckoned, the jewel was kinda sticky.
"This," Xena grumbled,"is getting boring." Between her and the ancient creature was a growing heap of Gorgon body parts. A rapidly growing heap of *false* Gorgon body parts.
Grunting in frustration, the warrior woman aimed her chakram at the weary Gorgon's neck. She fired and her infamous round-killing thingie sliced through with a sickening, squenchy sound before rocketing off a sturdy tree trunk and back to her hand. The broken body joined the pile of false Gorgon anatomy on the ground. It was a terribly disgusting sight.
"Xena!" I called out as I reached her,"In the name of Zeus, what happened? Xena?" I looked at her. She was sprawled beside the foul parts of Gorgon anatomy, a severed Gorgon head (with teeth and an eyeball missing) lay nearby. There was blood on her neck.
"Xena, what happened?" I demanded, dropping my staff to the ground, stooping down to cradle her head in my lap,"Xena, speak to me." There was blood on her neck all right. Fresh blood. She suddenly flickered her eyelids open.
"Gabrielle," Xena coughed weakly,"I got bitten by that thing..." She glanced at the severed head of the Gorgon, which looked back at us with her one eyeball."You've got to suck out the poison from my neck before I... turn into one myself." Xena looked at me pleadingly.
The thought of my bestfriend transformed into a hedious scaly snake-haired Gorgon was just too terrifying. Bending over, I started sucking at her neck like I'd never sucked before. It was only then that I realised there was no wound or puncture bite mark. And I'd made a hickie on her neck from all that sucking. A bad looking one too.
"Hey," I remarked at the sudden realisation that she had duped me,"You tricked me. There's no bite mark."
"Joke, Gabrielle," Xena rose as a cheeky grin broke out on her face. Nearby, Joxer was stirring, Argo nuzzling him. "Hey," Xena caught hold of my hand, her expression sorry,"it was only meant to be a joke, Gabrielle. I'm sorry."
I blinked back tears and stared straight into her eyes. How could she? How could she play with my feelings- I was so worried! "You think that was so funny?" I questioned coldly, prodding her flat stomach with the end of my staff,"I was worried Xena- I was really scared that you were gonna die or something. I was scared of losing you. And you...." I gritted my teeth as I gave her a fierce shove,"...played a *joke* on me?" I felt hot tears roll down my cheek. Good, I hope I made her feel guilty.
"Gabrielle," Xena reached over, gently wiping away my tears,"I truly am sorry. I just...I just have something that I want to tell you..." Her touch was soft, gentle and warm. I felt the anger in me dissolve slowly, with every caress of her fingers.
"What's it that you want to say?" I asked, raising my eyebrows slightly. This was it, something told me. I swallowed, watching her expectantly.
"Gabrielle,I love you,"the warrior princess breathed, as if saying those words was taking up all her strength and energy. Those words, those words... I blinked back happy tears. Zeus, I felt that I could have been standing with her in the Elysian Fields. Time could have stood still for all I cared.
"I love you, Gabrielle," Xena repeated, her eyes locked unto mine as she stroked my hair lovingly. She suddenly stopped, a shimmer of fear in my wonderful blue eyes," Gabrielle do you..."
"I love you too, Xena,"I choked, as I stroked the side of her face lovingly,"I feel the same way, yes."
Unto our left, we heard Joxer grunt slightly as he pushed himself up to standing position, adjusting his funny helmet. We pulled away reluctantly as he approached us, Argo behind.
"Boy do I have an ache," Joxer complained stiffly,"but hey, I just fought off a nasty Gorgon all by myself! Me- Joxer the Mighty!"
"Su-ure you did," I laughed as I patted him on the back. The poor chap started spluttering.
"Oh wait, Xena, the stone,"I remembered, as I produced the Gorgon's precious jewel from my pocket,"I got it from Autolycus."
"So it had been on him the whole time he was turned into stone," Xena confirmed as she took the Eye of Hera from me, holding it up to examine it in better light," I thought so."
Just then, the sparkling jewel in Xena's hand started vibrating. Xena tried releasing her hold on it but it seemed to be stuck fast to her fingers. It was no good, she just could not let go of the stone. It shone an eerie green which seemed to engulf the warrior princess.
"Xena!" I cried out in panic,"What's going on? Xena?" I rushed towards my bestfriend but that idiot Joxer pulled me back. I gulped as I desperately tried freeing myself. Xena wasn't going to turn into some scaly, green snake-haired Gorgon monster...was she?
"Joxer," I sniffed miserably as we made camp that night, at the exact same spot where Xena and the stone disappeared,"...do you think she's dead?" I swallowed the lump in my throat, looking pathetically over at Joxer.
"Well Gabby, I don't know,"Joxer started sadly,"I can't say. But I'm sure Xena knows how to take care of herself."
I nodded mutely. I had to believe it. But I just couldn't help but worry for my bestfriend. And I hoped wherever she was, wherever that stone took her, she would be all right.
Xena felt positively wierd. She was in her desendent's body and the feeling was... thick. Ares stood in front of her postrate form, gloating smugly as he watched her rise,"...If the world thinks they know death and destruction now, wait 'til they get a loooad of me!"
"Think again, Ares," Xena purred as she rose, swinging her sword in an arc, Xena style. Ares nearly did a double take, hearing the smooth, confident voice of the warrior princess he had so loved, in 1940 Marcedonia.
"Hey guys, mind if I join?" a nicely groomed Autolycus asked as he approached the two of us. Joxer had tried catching some fish for dinner from the nearby stream. But after three hours, he came back empty handed, drenched and dripping wet but not a fish in sight. We had the remaining nutbread left for dinner by a small fire which took Joxer two hours to make. The guy wasn't much of a hunter but he had a good heart.
"Sure, Auto,"Joxer welcomed, making space for the charming King of Thieves. "And maybe you can help cheer Gabby up a little," Joxer whispered rather loudly into Autolycus' ear," poor kid's been really upset since Xena vanished- without a trace."
"Vanished, eh?" Auto echoed as he helped himself to some nutbread," How?" I heard Joxer describe the whole entire story to a hungry Autolycus as I rose from my position and retrieved my bedroll, rolling it out some distance away. Then slowly, I took Xena's own bedroll, laying it down just next to mine. It smelt faintly of leather, a smell so uniquely Xena.
"I'll be waiting for your return, Xena,"I whispered, stroking her empty bedroll as I closed my tired eyes. The last thing I thought of before I fell into deep slumber, was the face of my beautiful warrior princess smiling down at me.
It was a whole new experience for Xena, being transported from ancient Greece to 1940 Marcedonia, with both Joxer's and Gabrielle's desendents by her side and she herself in the body of her very own desendent.
Xena came out of Ares' chamber, beloved chakram in hand. At least there was one more thing familiar to her here. She caught sight of Gabrielle's hardy archaeologist desendent, her back towards her. Xena walked up to her.
"You all right?"Xena asked concerned, touching her arm. The blonde girl turned around, facing her. Green eyes looked into her blue ones, Xena noted the remarkable resembalance. It was certainly uncanny. She was so much like her Gabrielle.
"You are Xena," Gabrielle's desendent stated. It wasn't a question but a statement.
"Yeah," Xena replied, studying the girl's face. So much like her bard.
"And Mel is your desendent,"the blonde continued, looking into her eyes.
Well, Xena smiled with a slight shrug.
"How could I think it was me? My father, he was a thief. And my mother, she walked out on us,"Janice Covington said bitterly," And I'm related to the useless title of the tag-along Gabrielle."
Xena's eyes flashed. She grabbed the blonde lass by her shoulder firmly. "Listen- Gabrielle was *never* useless. She cared for others more than herself. She was the finest friend anyone could ever have."
"You make her sound important,"Janice observed.
"She is to me. Be proud to be part of her family. I know I am," Xena finished as she released her hold on the good looking blonde archaeologist. "I've got to go back there and put Ares back where he belongs," Xena looked into the direction of Ares' chamber.
"Think you could use some help?" the tough cookie asked, her smile so much like her bardy ancestor's.
"C'mon,"Xena smiled as she lead the way.
Autolycus yawned big time as he poured himself more port, listening half-heartedly to Joxer's story on how he battled the two hedious Gorgons single-handedly, freeing the captured Uranian virgins on the way. He belched, contemplating on telling Joxer that most of the girls that he had "saved" were virgins no longer.
Janice Covington was helping Joxer's American desendent Jack out of a mummy case when Xena silently noted the uncanny resemblence. He was just so much like Joxer- the face, the actions... everything.
Much as she wanted to go home to ancient Greece and into the welcoming arms of her Amazon bard, Xena knew she wasn't sucked intothis time zone for nothing. She knew she was brought here to stop Ares. And she would do just that.
The three of them were walking down a corridor, Xena infront when suddenly they heard the maniacal laughter of the Greek God of War. Xena told the two desendents to stay put while she go explore the tomb. She reckoned that they would be pretty safe there. She had hardly turned her back to them and taken a couple of steps when she heard a sudden surprised yelp from Jack. Spinning around, she realised Ares had taken them.
Running into Ares' chamber, Xena saw her friends tied to a stone pillar, a heavy ball full of heavy-duty metal spikes swung above their heads, the God of War mocking them nearby.
I had a strange dream that night as I lay sleeping beside Xena's empty bedroll. I dreamt of a woman who looked so much like my bestfriend, in Xena's own armour. She wore her dark hair in a bun and was a little hunched but the resemblence was certainly uncanny.
"Xena? Is that you?" I called out as I approached her in my dream. Strange, I observed. Her much treasured chakram was missing.
"Xena? No, I'm not Xena- I'm Mel. Melinda Pappas,"the tall beauty drawled in an accent different from Xena's. She bent over slightly, peering closely at me," Janice Covington- is that you?"
Xena caught her chakram as it flew back dutifully into her hand. Damn the gods, Xena cursed as she saw the door open. Ares started out towards the enterance. No, she couldn't give up now and unleash Ares into the New World. Over her dead body.
"Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!" Xena cried out as she stopped Ares just as he was about to step out. She wasn't about to let the scumbag leave his prison. Oh no, not her.
"You never give up, do you?" the Greek god asked plantively as he got thrown over by the determined warrior princess. The two started doing battle, swords clashing, bodies grunting.
Xena grunted when her sword fell to the floor and an angry Ares held her up by the neck. One blow from his blade and she and her desendent Mel would be goners. Was this it?
Wonderful, I thought dryily, Xena has *another* one of those lookalikes. I shook Melinda Pappas' smooth hand graciously, intoducing myself. "I'm Gabrielle," I corrected,"...not Janice. And by the way, nice fit on that leather." I nodded at Xena's armour she was wearing.
"Oh my," the fair beauty gasped as she started feeling chilly," My clothes..." She clearly had no idea how she got into Xena's leathers.
"Uh, anyway Melinda," I asked the stranger, "how did you get here?"
"I don't know, I...," Mel stammered uncertainly," we were at Ares' chamber when suddenly there was this gigantic impact and then... well, here I am." Mel did a cutesy gesture with both hands, making me smile fondly.
"Okay Mel, one more thing- you're in my dream," I smiled at the flustered beauty. She looked so much like my bestfriend. Those blue eyes...
"Y-your dream?" Mel asked in disbelief, "...oh my." She placed her hand on her ample cleavage, trying to calm herself down. Too much excitment, I suppose. She gingerly reached over and pinched me slightly on the arm. She looked almost sorry to have done it.
"See, it doesn't hurt," I pointed.
"Yeah, I'm in your dream all right," Mel sighed.
It's amazing, Xena mused, Gabrielle's very own desendent had just saved her- and she's pretty handy with the whip. Xena had been fighting Ares when the god had nearly had her when Gabby's hardy archaeologist stopped him just in time from making mince meat out of Mel and Xena by using her whip, enabling Xena to hurl her chakram and slam the great big iron spike-ball into the Greek god.
Loser, Xena snickered inwardly as she watched the god go down. Her chakram hit the glowing red Eye of Perfestus, which had kept Ares in his prison for centuries. Instantly, Xena felt a strong suction force pull her back. She left her desendent's body and flew into a newly formed time portal, invisible to the mortals and the enraged God of War.
Looking down at herself, she was relieved to see that she was back into her armour; leather, breast-plate and all. She was almost sorry for having to rip the sides of Mel's uncomfortable skirt. The amazing Eye of Hera glowed a brillant green in her hand.
Staring at the opening as she was sucked backwards through the time portal tunnel, she shouted in triumph and relief to see both her desendent and Gabrielle's safely tumble out of the tomb, managing to do so before the great door shut, leaving the furious Greek god trapped inside his prison again for a long, long time.
Now, Xena smiled as she travelled further back up the time portal, she could be back home in ancient Greece with her bard by her side.
I was recitimg one of my favourite poems to Mel when I stopped abruptly. "Mel, you're glowing!" I exclaimed in surprised to see the pretty brunette bathed in a magnificent green light. Melinda looked completely baffled and surprised herself.
"Oh my...," she started to say before she disappeared in a blink of an eye, leaving behind a heavy puff of luminous green smoke.
"Ooomfffph!" Xena exclaimed when she landed on her bedroll, beside her peacefully sleeping bard, who was obviously having a dream. A dream of whom, I wonder, Xena mused as she reached over and gently stroked her face. The Eye of Hera had ceased glowing and Xena carefully placed it into her bag. It might just come in handy the next time, she reckoned.
"Mel?" I called out as I waved away the choking heavy green smoke, horrified that she had disappeared the same way my bestfriend had. I shook my head- I had to get out of here. This dream was just getting way to wierd.
I fluttered my eyelids open. It was still dark, the stars twinkling in the skies, the moon's gentle beams streaming in. Turning slightly, I saw Xena in her bedroll looking fondly at me and I sighed happily. I just about closed my eyes when I realised it was XENA.
"Xena?" I whispered fiercely, sitting up suddenly, throwing off her blanket. There she was, Miss Amphibolis in bed. (Alone ;D)
"Xena- you're back!" I gushed excitedly, throwing my arms around her and hugging her like there was no tomorrow. I clutched her possesively, afraid to let her go. Tears of joy threathened to spill down my cheeks.
"It's all right, Gabrielle," Xena comforted me, stroking my hair as she kissed the top of my head tenderly,"I'm back- and still in one piece."
Glancing around, I was thankful that both the boys were deep in slumber. Auto had drained Xena's complete supply of port and Joxer, well, he was just probably totally drained from the day's excitment.
"Promise me you'll never leave me again, Xena," I whispered fiercely, feeling her smooth face with my hand," you had me worried sick."
Her wonderful blue eyes locked unto my green ones, my warrior princess gently mouthed the words "I love you Gabrielle" before covering my mouth with hers. That was it. The night was still pretty young and we were planning on making the most of it... I just hope we won't wake the boys.
Cast of characters:
Xena/Melinda Pappas/Xanthe the shampoo girl: Lucy Lawless
Gabrielle/Janice Covington/Madame deMorcassa: Renee O'Connor
Autolycus, King of Thieves: Bruce Campbell
Joxer/ Jack Clemments: Ted Raimi
Ares, Greek God of War: Kevin Smith
Argo: uhm, Argo?
Gorgon #1: Pamela Anderson (in a rubber suit)
Gorgon #2: Dolly Parton (in a bio-degradeable rubber suit)
Narrator/writer: Amazon Moon
No Gorgon was really killed but the actresses playing them have engaged their lawyers for lawsuits claiming that the rubber suits they had to wear were a hazard to their skin resulting in pimples on unmentionable parts of their anatomy and it also made some permanent damage to their ample clevages.
Ok, there you have it. You've (finally) reached the hard, grueling end of my very first attempt at writing fanfic. How did you find it? Should I try write some more? Or should I just break my pen and take a cold shower? Do email your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org Thanks.
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