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Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess and the names, titles, and backstories used in "The Last Turkey in the Shop" are the sole property of MCA/Universal. The author intends no copyright infringement through the writing of this fan fiction.
The Last Turkey in the Shop
by Alan Plessinger
Gabby shrugged her, or more appropriately, his shoulders and looked embarrassed. He put the Amazon staff on the ground at his feet.
"It looks like itís only going to be for the night," he said. "Itís no big deal."
Xena sighed. "So what god or goddess did you piss off this time?"
"Great. What did you do?"
"I donít know. I kept trying to find out. She wouldnít tell me. She kept saying I should know what I did."
Xena looked Gabby up and down, and smiled. She thought she could still see her friendís beautiful soul shining through, like the sun peeking out from behind a cloud. The green eyes still sparkled, the hair was the same reddish-gold, the smile just as sweet. Artemis had done a nice job.
"Nice of Artemis to provide you some pants, anyway."
"Itís only until dawn," said Gabby. "Then the curse is lifted."
"Curse? It seems more like the removal of a curse."
"Oh sure, like youíd want to walk around looking like this."
"You look damn good. Have you seen yourself?"
"It doesnít matter how I look. This is only for one night, anyway."
Xena smiled wickedly.
"Well, letís see it."
"What! What do you think?"
Gabby giggled. Xena had never heard a man giggle before, and it sounded kind of cute.
"Iím not going to show you that! You know what one looks like! Youíve been around. Youíve seen more penises than Iíll ever have!"
"But how often can I say Iíve seen Gabrielleís penis?"
"Xena, if you ever tell anyone..."
"My lips are sealed, provided you start droppiní trouí, right now."
"Xena! Alright. But donít pay any attention to the...you know...the condition of it. It has a mind of its own, sort of."
Gabby unfastened the rope around his waist and dropped his burlap trousers far enough for Xena to see.
"Well, well. The little soldier is at attention."
"Xena! I canít help it."
"Oh, donít worry about it, Gabrielle. Thatís the way men are. Men are ridiculously potent. Theyíre just producing sperm all the time. While youíre standing there pretending to have a polite conversation with me youíre actually producing sperm at an alarming rate."
Gabby laughed. "Is it that obvious?"
Xena smiled. "I wonder which of the gods had to design that thing? And how did they know they were done? They shouldíve worked at it a little longer."
Gabby looked down. "Probably a committee."
"It looks like the last turkey in the shop. Still, not a bad size. Not huge, but nothing to be ashamed of."
"Well, that just makes me feel a whole lot better."
"Stop whining. Why donít you try it out? Do something with it."
Gabby laughed again. "Xena, Iím not an elephant."
"Do that peeing standing up thing. See if thatís all itís made out to be."
"How do I get it to...you know...stop doing that?"
"Just a guess, but Iíd say stop looking at me."
Gabby turned and faced the woods, and waited.
"OK, I think weíre in business. Now what?"
"Now you urinate."
Gabby urinated, and got his trousers wet.
"You have to hold it, Gabrielle."
"Well why didnít you tell me that?"
"I thought you knew."
"Well, I apparently donít spend as much time watching men go to the bathroom as you do!"
Gabby grabbed his phallus and pointed it, and soon had a good urine stream going.
"Why does mine point to the left?"
"I donít know, Gabrielle. The next time you get one of those, ask for a straight shooter."
"Xena, I just thought of something."
"I have MANLY skills."
"Oh, Gabrielle, thatís terrible. Even by your standards, thatís really awful."
"Xena, I have to be twice as bad just to keep up with you."
Gabby heard some movement behind him, and wondered what Xena was up to, but thought heíd better continue with his peeing, first.
When he turned around, there was Xena completely naked.
"Oh come on, Gabrielle. Donít act like you havenít thought about this."
He backed away, and she advanced on him slowly.
"Xena, this is a really bad idea..."
"No, this is a great idea. This is the best idea Artemis ever had. This is a gift of the gods."
"Xena, I thought you said your lips were sealed."
"Not those lips."
"Gabrielle, men arenít good for much, but theyíre good for this much."
"Címon, Gabrielle, itís the call of the weenie. Donít ignore the call of the weenie."
"Gabrielle, youíre a man now. Society approves. Thatís part of being a man. Men have to be ready to do it any chance they get."
"Xena, you donít want to do this."
"Oh, I know what I want. And you canít hide what you want."
"Címon, baby, give it up for Xena."
She took his chin in one hand, and kissed those sweet lips. She put her other hand on his aroused member.
Gabrielle came through the woods rubbing her head. She saw Xena kissing a strange man with red hair, and then saw her Amazon staff on the ground.
"You rotten little thief!" she said.
Xena looked at her, and looked back at the red-haired man, who leaped away from her as quick as he could and started running through the woods. Xena went after him, and Gabrielle grabbed her staff and followed.
The man did up his pants while running. Then he stopped and pulled a dirk from his boot, and turned around and faced her with it.
"Oh, donít even bother," said the naked warrior. He took a swipe at her with the dirk, she grabbed his hand and took the weapon from him.
She pinned him to a tree with one forearm under his chin as Gabrielle came running up to join them.
"OK, what exactly were you playing at?"
"Isnít it obvious?"
"A full confession at this point might prevent me from killing you. Start with your name."
"Iím Jonas. My friends saw Gabrielle barding at a local tavern, and they said I look a little like her. They even call me Gabby sometimes, Ďcause Iím loquacious like her."
"Barding isnít a verb," said Gabrielle.
"Yeah, well pedantic is a adjective," he said.
Xena said, "So you figured you were going to shtup the Warrior Princess?"
"I wouldíve if sheíd just take a little longer getting out of those ropes."
"What makes you think I wouldíve gone along with you?" asked Xena.
He looked at the two of them and smirked.
"Oh, please," he said.
Xena grabbed him and slammed him against the tree again.
"Hey! Who seduced who? I played hard-to-get, remember? And you loved it. You loved it!"
"Never mind what I loved. How did you take out my partner?"
"A rock in a sack. From behind."
"Well, donít you have guts," said Xena, tickling his midsection with the dirk. "Why donít we see what they look like?"
"XENA! BACK OFF!" said Gabrielle. "This is between him and me. You just believed what you wanted to believe."
Xena released him and stepped back. Jonas smirked at both of them.
"I knew you wouldnít let her hurt me," he said to the bard. "And now youíre going to forgive me because youíre Gabrielle, right?"
Gabrielle hit him once in the back of her head with her staff, and he went down like a tree.
"Thatís it," she said. "Thatís the end of it. Justice has been served."
"No, not quite yet," said Xena. "Letís get in touch with Miss Artiphys. Iím thinking pink satin and white lace. What do you think?"
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