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Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena:Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property
of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No Copyright infringement was intended in the writing
of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the
author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story maybe made for
private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
NOTE: All works remain the copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without
the author's consent.
by Tarena Scott
Act I Scene 1
A Tavern. Autolycus and Joxer are sitting at a table eating and drinking.
Auto: So you have no idea why Xena sent you to bring me here?
Joxer: She told me to get the "King of Thieves". Why? She wanted the best of course! The Master of Mayhem and the King of Thieves. What a team!
Auto: When is this "Master of Mayhem" coming?
Joxer: I'M the Master of Mayhem!
Auto: I've never heard anybody call you that.
Joxer: That's because dead men tell no tales.
Auto: Then you're obviously not dead.
Auto: Never mind.
Xena now enters the tavern. As she comes through the swinging doors the tavern musicians stop playing for a few moments in the style of old American Westerns. She joins the boys at the table.
Xena: Glad to see you Autolycus. I hope you have some free time on your hands.
Auto: Well, I was planning to "borrow" some money from the Lydian treasury, but for you I'm always available.
Xena: Thanks. Let's get right to it. I have a plan to bring Gabrielle back from the dead!
Auto and Joxer: You can count me in!!
Xena: After Gabrielle sacrificed herself to destroy Hope I thought I wouldn't see her again until I crossed the River Styx. Life was almost not worth living and I spent months wandering aimlessly with no purpose
other than stopping the pain in my heart.
Joxer: I feel the same way.
Auto: You discovered something?
Xena: Yes! Maybe something wonderful!
Xena: In my wanderings I went to Alexandria. There I met a scholar from the Great Library. He was an expert in Sumerian and Babylonian religion. I found out there my be a way to call Gabrielle back from the underworld. It's very dangerous, but I don't care!
Auto: I don't suppose there's any money to be made too?
Joxer: You mean you won't help unless you get paid?! I thought you were Gabby's friend. Boy was I wrong!
Auto: Of course I'll help, but I've got an image to maintain. OK Xena, we're all ears. What's the plan?
Xena: It's a simple, easy plan. First we travel to the old Sumerian city of Ur, then we steal the eyes from the statue of the Earth Goddess Ki. Then we bring back Gabrielle's spirit, return to Greece and get
her body. See---simple and easy.
Joxer: Let's go!
Auto: Whoa big fella! I know Xena likes to keep things uncomplicated, but there seems to be a few holes
in this "simple and easy" plan.
Xena: Well, I did leave a few details out. I didn't want to overtax Joxer's brain.
Joxer: Yeah, you tell him Xena------HEY!
Auto: I see your point. Nevertheless you'd better enlighten me. My razor sharp mind has plenty of extra room. I can rent some space out to "Mighty".
Xena: Relax Joxer. We do need to keep your mind uncluttered for the time when Gabrielle inhabits your body.
Joxer: What are you talking about?
Auto: Ah ha! I thought it might be something like that. I'm glad it's not me again. No offense Xena, but
having you inside me was the last time I ever want to do that.--- Way too kinky! Don't let me discourage you Joxer-- you may not even end up with any broken bones.
Joxer: Don't worry about me. I'd give my life to get Gabby back.
Xena: That's why we need Joxer. Only a person who loves the deceased can make the spell work.
Auto: Spell? Couldn't Gabrielle use your body Xena? We all know how much you loved her.
Xena: I have to be able to read the Scroll of Summoning that the Sumerian scholar gave me. While I recite the spell Joxer will be holding one of the eyes.--- They are known as the Gems of Life. Gabrielle's spirit will enter the stone first and then pass into Joxer.
Auto: You said we were going to get a new body for Gabrielle. How? She was totally destroyed in the lava pit!
Xena: True, but thanks to Joxer there is a way around this.
Joxer: Yeah, ---Gabby can stay with me forever!
Xena: No she can't. If she doesn't get back into her own body within a month of summoning then she'll
remain inside you forever and your spirit will take her place in the underworld.
Joxer: So?-- I'll be willing to do it!
Xena: I know, but do you think Gabrielle would want it that way? She would never let someone die in her place.
Joxer: But what else can we do?
Xena: Like I said before, we get Gabrielle's body.-- After all we have three of them.
Auto: Did you get sunstroke when you were in Egypt? I think you'd better see a physician.
Joxer: The three naked Gabrielle's!
Auto: Must be a full moon! What are you two talking about?
Xena: Several months ago Aphrodite cursed one of Gabrielle's scrolls. Anything written on it came true.
Joxer got a hold of quill and when writing a limerick he conjured up three naked Gabrielles.
Auto: Oh!? --Joxer I underestimated you. There's more going on in there than meets the eye. --I don't suppose you still have that scroll.
Xena: Forget it Autolycus! I shudder to think what would have happened if it had fallen into your hands.
Auto: I'm insulted.-- My limericks are world famous.-- Remember "There was a Princess named Xena, she--
OW!! Not the face!!
Xena: You want me to hit you lower?-- OK!
Auto: Stop! Sorry!---- Boy you sure can't take a joke.
Joxer: One question Xena. If Gabrielle wouldn't want to displace me, why would she displace one of her doubles?
Xena: Because she wouldn't be replacing anyone.-- When you created them did you bother giving them
minds? -- Of course not!-- Otherwise they wouldn't have been naked. --What we have are three empty
Auto: I've got another question. Why do we need to steal both eyes?
Xena: Each gem can only be used once for holding a spirit. We need one to first transfer Gabrielle to Joxer,
and the other to transfer her from him to her permanent body.
Auto: Why not get a naked Gabrielle and take her to Sumeria. Then you would only need one stone.
Xena: You want to take a brainless, naked woman all the way across Persia? --That and Joxer too?
Auto: Good point.
Auto: So the gems are destroyed when used?
Xena: Yeah. Only a regular gull egg- sized normal ruby is left.
Auto: (choke) What are we waiting for? Ah sunny Sumeria! Here we come!
Act II Scene 1
Dockside in the ancient Sumerian city of Ur. Xena, Autolycus and Joxer have just disembarked from a Persian ship.
Auto: Two weeks aboard that leaky tub. I knew there was a reason why I never became a sailor.
Xena: What are you complaining about? It was an easy passage. Only two storms and one pirate attack.
Auto: Don't forget the sea monster.
Xena: I didn't, but it was only a small one.
Auto: 40 feet is small?
Xena: Sure. Normally that variety is 200 feet long.
Joxer: How 'bout the way I defeated the pirate captain. Right over the side with him!!
Xena: He slipped on a banana peel Joxer.
Joxer: Which I had cleverly dropped next to the railing.
Auto: So you're a master of fruit weaponry? Figures.
So Xena, how much time do we have to obtain the gems and get back to the ship?
Xena: Plenty, since we're going back by the land route. We only have a month to get back home after we
save Gabrielle's spirit. The winds would be against us on the return voyage so it could take 5 or 6 weeks.
Using the spice routes, traveling by camel 16 hours a day we can make back to Greece with a few days to
spare. --Besides we have to a little time to round up one of the Gabrielles.
Auto: Camels?--- I hate camels.
Xena: Come on. Lets find an inn and begin getting the lay of the land.
ACT II Scene 2
A room at a local inn. It is late evening. Xena enters. Autolycus and Joxer are already there.
Joxer: Hi Xena. I got us 3 camels and all the supplies you wanted. They're at a stable on the north side of the city wall.
Xena: Good. How about you Autolycus? Any problems scouting the temple?
Auto: No. It's just a ruin, so no guards. I didn't go very far inside since I didn't have all my equipment.
Xena: I knew you wouldn't.
Xena: It's simple Joxer. If the temple is a ruin and the gems are still there-- it means only one thing--
Auto: The place must be loaded with traps. Otherwise somebody would have stolen the stones long ago.
Xena: Yeah, that and the curse.
Joxer: Curse? What curse?
Auto: There's always a curse. Usually something like " He who violates the temple of Blah-blah will die a thousand deaths after his whatever body part shrivels and drops off."
Xena: Oh, so you heard the curse already?
Auto: No. That was just a genetic curse you can buy from " Salmoneus' House of Curses."
I don't suppose you heard which body part will fall off did you?
Xena: All I can say is that the temple priests must have figured all thieves were men.
Auto: I was afraid of that.
Xena: What's the matter? Don't you want to be known as " Autolyca- Queen of Thieves"? I understand you and Salmoneus liked cross-dressing.
Auto: We had no choice. I must admit that the clothes felt nice, but I could never get the makeup right. Besides I'd miss my mustache.
Joxer: I've had a lot of girlfriends with mustaches.
Auto: Very funny. -- I don't believe in curses anyway. They're just stories to scare the simple-minded.
I've been cursed hundreds of times and nothing ever happened--- well mostly. ---Did I ever tell you when
Iolaus and I were cursed by Ares and--
Xena: I've heard that one before.-- Let's get down to business and finish making the plan.
Joxer: One thing Xena. I know we need to help Gabby, but aren't we going to offend all the worshippers
Xena: There haven't been any of those for hundreds of years. The Sumerian people have different gods they pray to now.-- The only one we may offend is Ki herself. That's why we'll return both gems to the
temple when we're finished.
Auto: I knew this was too good to be true. You can bring them back here afterwards, but I'm not coming.
I think I'll finish my tour of the Lydian treasury instead. .
Xena: Fair enough.
Act III Scene 1
Night. The threesome are just outside the temple ruins.
Xena: Joxer, you stay on guard while Autolycus and I steal the gems.
Auto: I thought I was doing this alone.
Xena: I'm just coming to learn the layout of the traps. You wouldn't want me to get killed when I return
them would you?
Auto: You could let me keep them and next time I'm in the neighborhood I'll put them back.
Xena: Nice try.
Auto: I'm beginning to think you don't trust me.
Xena: Come on. We're wasting time.-- Steal now, talk later.
Auto: OK. Just stay behind me and be careful.
Act III, scene 2 Joxer is still on guard, quietly humming the "Joxer the Mighty" song. Xena and Autolycus return from the temple. Autolycus seems quite pleased with himself.
Joxer: I was getting worried. You two were gone a long time.
Auto: You can't rush perfection.
Xena: OK! OK! I'll admit it. You are the "King of Thieves". I've never seen such a maze of tricks and
traps and you defeated them all and got the gems. --I take my hat off to you.
Auto: You don't wear a hat.
Xena: Well I'm certainly not taking anything else off.
Joxer: Do we do the summoning now?
Xena: Let's get out of town first. Besides we have to wait for the moon to rise before we attempt to do the
ACT IV Scene 1
Somewhere outside of Ur. A small ceremonial fire is burning. Joxer is kneeling by the fire, Autolycus is holding one of the gems above Joxer's head while Xena is looking at the open scroll and chanting in a strange language. After a few moments the wind begins blowing , thunder booms everywhere and lightning flashes wildly. The gem begins to glow brightly and suddenly Joxer is hurled to the ground.
Xena: Joxer! Are you all right? Speak to me!
Auto: He's out of it . You'll have to let him recover for awhile. Do you think it worked?
Xena: We just have to wait and see.--- You can give me the stone now.
Auto: Did anyone ever tell you that you can be quite annoying.
Xena: Sure. It's one of my many skills.
ACT IV Scene 2
The next day. Same camp. Joxer is covered by blankets. Xena is tending the camels, while Autolycus is cooking breakfast. Joxer cries out and bolts upright. Xena and Autolycus rush to his
Xena: Joxer? Gabrielle? Are you there?
Joxer: Xena? I feel funny and---- XENA! WHAT'S HAPPENING? HOW DID I GET HERE?
Xena: Oh Gabrielle you've come back to me!! -- Stay calm, and let me explain what's happened.
You're temporarily using Joxer's body just like I used Autolycus.
Auto: That was used AND abused.
Joxer: Joxer's body? GET ME OUTTA HERE! --What's that humming noise?
Xena: That's probably Joxer's mind. Your personality has shoved it off into some dark corner.
We'll get you into your old body as soon as we can, but it'll be awhile.
Gabxer: My old body? -- Didn't I jump into a lava pit?
Xena: We've got a plan to use one of Joxer's naked Gabrielles.-----Stop hitting yourself!
Gabxer: I'm slapping Joxer. I'm still angry about that limerick he wrote.
Auto: That's Gabrielle all right. I should have known being dead wouldn't change her. She's still an annoying blonde even when she's a he with brown hair----OW! Stop kicking me Joxer-er- Gabby.
---I can see this is going be a fun journey.
Xena: Gabrielle--I never thought I'd touch your face again,----- of course I never thought I'd be telling you that you need a shave either.
Gabxer: This is really, really weird Xena. I feel very strange.
Xena: That'll pass once you grow use to your new body. I'll get you some food, then we must break camp.
Time's not on our side. We have hurry home.
ACT IV Scene3
An inn somewhere in Asia Minor. Autolycus is standing at the bar having a drink and
trying to impress a barmaid. Xena and Joxer/Gabby are at a table. An old woman is bringing them food and drink.
Woman: There you go dearies. Hope you like simple fare.
Xena : It looks fine. Thanks.
Woman: We don't get many strangers here. Especially nice young couples like you. How long have you
two been married? Any children back home?
Gabxer:(choke) Married?! What makes you say that? We aren't married and certainly don't have children.
Woman: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. It's just the look in your eyes is that of a married couple in love.
Xena: Please don't be sorry. My--er-- boyfriend here is just overly sensitive about these matters. You know
how men are.
Woman: I know just what you mean. Let me offer you my special dessert. No charge. I'll bring it when you finish your meal.
Xena: I usually don't eat dessert, but in this case I'd be happy to accept. Thanks.
Xena: Something wrong --er-- sweetheart?
Gabxer: You're really enjoying this aren't you? You love to get me mad, but I'm not going to let you get to me this time.
ACT IV Scene 4
Morning. Autolycus enters the stables. The three camels are there, but otherwise it seems empty.
Auto: Rise and shine! Rise and shine!
Xena (popping out of a pile of straw}: I'll rise but I won't shine. Where have you been?
Auto: Gentlemen don't discuss such matters.
Xena: When did you become a gentleman?
Gabxer( popping up next to Xena} Can't you two be quiet! I need my beauty sleep.
Auto: No kidding. Why don't you have any clothes on?
Gabxer: What!? Oh my!! I'm so embarrassed.
Auto: Good thing I am a gentleman. I promise not to let anyone know the awful truth.
Xena: What awful truth. Nothing is going on here. We just came here after our meal and----
Xena: That's funny. I don't remember anything after that. We didn't have that much to drink.
Somebody must have drugged us!!---What are you smirking at?
Auto: You were drugged . I found out from Leia the barmaid that the Old Woman's special dessert
was loaded with drugs.
Gabxer: Why would she do that? Was she planning to rob us?-- Maybe she learned about the jewels.
Auto: Nothing like that. She fancies herself a matchmaker. When she finds a likely couple that
needs some encouragement she gives them her special dessert.
Xena: An Aphrodisiac!! I thought that nutbread tasted funny!
Gabxer: What! You mean you and I---
Xena: I can't remember a thing.
Auto: I've had mornings like that too. Before we leave do you want me to get her recipe?
Xena: Shut up! If you ever tell anybody about this you're a dead man!
Auto: Might be worth it.---Just kidding . Your secret is safe with me.
Xena: I don't even know if there is a secret.
ACT V Scene1
Outside a cave located in Greece
Xena: This is where the last sighting of a naked Gabrielle was reported.
Gabxer: Sighted by whom?
Xena: People travel from all over Greece just to chance a glimpse of one.
Gabxer: This just keeps getting better and better. What a month!
Auto: Quit complaining. At least you finally got tall.
Gabxer: Enough with the short jokes. I'm not in the mood.
Xena: Quiet! I hear someone moving inside the cave. You two stay here.
(she returns after a few moments with a Gabrielle in tow}
Auto: I must admit Gabby, you look much better without clothes as yourself than as Joxer----OW!! That
Gabxer: Let's get the transfer over with. Joxer's humming inside of my head is driving me INSANE!
Xena: It's going to be just like before. Tonight when the moon rises we can finally fix things.
Auto: Good. I want to get to Lydia as soon as possible. If I don't steal something soon I'll go crazy.
Gabxer: Would you do me one last favor Autolycus?
Auto: Sure, as long as it doesn't involve any kissing.
Gabxer: Please go into town and get me some clothes---I mean get her some clothes.
Auto: What would you like? Silk? Satin? Egyptian cotton? Leather? Chainmail?
Gabxer: You've worn women's clothes before. I'll let you choose,---just as long as it's not green.
ACT V Scene2
Morning. Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer are sitting next to a river bank outside Ur.
Joxer is fishing and humming his song. Gabrielle is frying fish, while Xena is sitting quietly against
Gabrielle: JOXER! PLEASE STOP HUMMING!
Joxer: OK Gabby.
Gab: Xena, now that the gems have been returned to the temple can we go home?
Gab: I've got to get different clothes. This chainmail is starting to chafe my skin. Wait 'til I get my hands on Autolycus. They'll be calling him the "King of Bruises".
Joxer: I like your chainmail Gabby. It's kinky.
Gab: Wasn't me being in your body kinky enough?
Joxer: It would be, but I don't remember any of it.
Gab: OK guys. Breakfast is ready.
Here you go Xena. Cooked just the way you like 'em.
Xena: Please take that away Gabrielle. I can't look at food.
Gab: Again? You've got to eat something.
I don't get it. You haven't been eating in the morning for days, but you look like you're beginning to put
on some weight around your tummy--- (a long pause, then Gabby's eyes open wide as she drops the plate to the ground)---OH MY G------!!!!!