Xena, Gabrielle and the other characters from the television series Xena:Warrior Princess are property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
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April 18, 1999, Man of Void
It's January 1st, year 2000, 4pm. Kevin Smith wakes up in his bungalow in Auckland, New Zealand. He is not feeling well. Last night's party with the production crew went a little wild and he has a terrible hangover. It must have been fun in that party, because he can't remember anything but flashes of it. (Did Renee really wear Callisto-suit and have a catfight with Lucy? Hhrrr...) He stumbles into the bathroom and stares into a mirror. "Tsk tsk, you look terrible, my friend," says a voice inside his head.
"Who's talking?" asks Kevin startled.
"You are, who else?"
"Who are you? Where are you?" Kevin looks nervously around himself but sees nothing.
"I am you, didn't I tell you. At least soon I shall be you." The voice breaks into a laugh and red flames envelop a man, who only a minute ago was Kevin Smith. When the flames diminish, they leave behind a man, who looks a lot like him, but is not. Kevin's blue-striped pants have changed to a black leather outfit and the flames now burn in the man's eyes. "Ahh, it's good to be back after two millennia," says Ares, the god of war, and smiles wickedly. Suddenly he crumbles on his knees holding his head in a pain he has felt never before and says, "Dammit, Kevin, you do have a terrible hangover. You really should give up boozing."
Same day, same town, 10pm.
"Hey Renee, I have to go powder my nose," yells Lucy Lawless as hard as she can.
"Yes, this band is great!" her on-show sidekick yells back.
"No, I said I have to go. TO GO !"
"Right!" yells Renee and continues to shake her head and rock her body in the rhythm with the music.
"Oh never mind," says Lucy rolling her eyes and starting to navigate through the crowd towards the sign saying 'Ladies'. In five minutes she gets there, locks the door behind her and moaning in relief, she unloads her cargo. She washes her hands, looks into the mirror and starts; she is not alone, there's a man standing behind her.
"Oh, it's you, Kevin, you scared the hell out of me. Kevin! What on earth are you doing in ladies room?!"
"Now, now, take it easy," says the man in Kevin Smith's body and smiles wickedly. He grabs Miss Lawless on hold and kisses her passionately. She slaps him on his cheek as soon as she manages to struggle herself free. "Kevin, stop it. What if Robert heard about this?"
"I just wanted to taste you before I make you mine. Out go Lucy - enter Xena!" Ares waves his hand and red flames envelop Lucy as they did to Kevin Smith a little earlier.
"All right, Ares, you could have done that without the special effects crew, but no! You had to make it look cool," says the woman in Lucy Lawless' body, when the flames die.
"Sorry Xena, it's what I am, cool. Anyhow, welcome to a new millennium," says the god of war, kisses the woman in leather outfit on hand and smiles wickedly. "Time to take over the world."
"Oh sure! Like I'd help you this time when I didn't do it hundreds of years ago. Besides, you brought me here from a middle of an important match, the finals of the famous Tartaros cup in beach volley. It's me and Gabrielle against Callisto and Velasca. I was just serving for the first set, so send me back!"
"Sorry, no can do. Now that you are here, you must obey me. But I promise that as soon as you have conquered the world, you'll get back to where I took you from."
"Read my lips," says Xena and forms two words with her mouth.
"Err, more money?"
"Wrong. Try again."
"Hmm... No hay? Highway?"
"Nope. Wrong again."
"Can I buy a vowel?"
"No way, Ares."
"A consonant then?"
"No way, Ares. NO WAY, I said! Idiot. I will not do that."
"Oh, that's what you meant. Well, maybe this will change your mind." Ares points at a mirror. The reflection blurs and changes.
"Cool, you have your own cable. May I see the Young and the Restless?"
"No, Xena, please concentrate." The mirror shows a picture of a blond-haired woman tied to a pole and with a scarf over her mouth. "Work with me or she will experience pain and she will experience fear and then she will die. And then pain again and fear, and pain. It's up to you."
"No! Gabrielle, no. How could you, Ares, even after her death you torment her. Wait, she's not Gabrielle."
"No, she is not Gabrielle. What's your point?"
"Darn! All right, you win. I guess Tartaros can make it for a while without me. Besides, after her death Gabrielle has become quite bitchy, so it will be like a vacation to get rid of her for a short time. Like, last year she won that strip poker contest, beating Salmoneus, Autolycus and Ephiny. They begged for mercy but no! She was ruthless. It was not pretty in the end, poor Salmoneus... So, what will I have to do?"
"Good. I knew you would see it my way. Here, take this."
"What is it?"
"It's an MMGWUA, 'a Magical MiniGun With Unlimited Ammo'. It was made by Hephaestos himself, for you and in my special order."
"An emm-ze-woo-ah. How does it work?" Xena examines the strange weapon and it goes off accidently with huge rattle. "Oh, that's how."
"Right," says Ares (without a wicked smile) picking off little metallic pieces stuck in his skin.
"Sorry," says Xena with a wicked smile.
January 20th, year 2000, 2pm. A lone woman armed with a magical minigun with unlimited ammo is finishing the remains of two American marine divisions, a combined European task force and a Russian tank platoon. In the middle of all destruction, Ares appears. "Xena, my love, you have fulfilled my wildest dreams. That was beautiful! And none of the wounded bled at all, so we're still PG-13! The world is on its knees before you."
"Yeah yeah, so I was in a hurry. Man, if I had known how rotten this world has become, I would have come and kicked everyone's butt anyway. But this is too easy, you can take your gizmo and give me my sword back. Those Asian guys last week were tougher coming at me unarmed, so I had to do them hand to hand. At least I got some challenge that way."
"Well of course, what ever you say. By the way, if I were you I would do something about that heat-seeking missile coming at you."
"What missile? Oh, that one," says Xena and ducks at the very last moment before the missile hits. It passes her and starts seeking a new target, and finding Ares turns at him and explodes.
"That was not a nice thing to do!" says Ares. He is of course unharmed (physically is implied here), but now he has black on all parts of his body, not just where there was black leather.
"Come on, black is your color," says Xena.
"How come you are not hurt at all? You stood right in front of me and that weapon was quite powerful."
"Simple. I'm already dead. Hello-oo. I can't die again! It eases some things a little."
"Hmph. Carry on. With this speed the world is mine in a week and you'll be back in your hobbies." With those words Ares, the god of war, vanishes in a burst of red flames accompanied with loud laugh (which has a certain amount of additional echo).
From a distance three men in suits and with a white flag start to advance towards the warrior princess. The known world is about to surrender to its new queen.
Epilogue; two days later:
"Excuse me," shouts Renee O'Connor with an impatient tone. "Excuse ME!! Could someone please release me from this miserable pole? Anyone?! Hello-oo..."
Beware the year 2000 as Xena will come and mess up all computer programs.
(If the year 2000 has already passed and she didn't appear - well, better luck next time...)
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