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Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent.


by Melissa McMahan


Xena - The Warrior Princess

Gabrielle - Bard & Amazon Queen

Joxer - The Mighty

Autolycus - King of thieves

Aphrodite - Goddess of love



Xena stood quite in the forest only her eyes moved, then she heard her pray moving be hind a bush. She slowly drew her sword and headed towards her victim, a rabbit. Just before she could sneek up on it and kill it, then she was interrupted by Gabrielle who scared it off with her loud growling. Aphrodite pops in to eavesdrop on them.

XENA: Well there goes our dinner. (Sighs and looks at Gabrielle) All right what has Joxer done now?

GABBY: He's a pesky, clumsy, geek!

XENA: Don't hold back Gabrielle, tell how you really feel?

APHR: As if she would?! (Scoffs)

GABBY: He is just so annoying!

XENA: He's not the only one.

Aphrodite giggles, but Gabrielle doesn't hear Xena's cut down because she is too busy moving in a provoked pace. She also goes on and on as she gripes about Joxer.

GABBY: Not that I care what he thinks, but I could tell he had something on his mind about me. He kept looking over at me. While I was trying to compose a new scroll and there he was clanking as he poked the fire with a stick. (Growls) And looking at me off and on.

APHR: Duh! (Rolls her eyes up)

GABBY: I told him to find something to do and do you know what that idiot did?!

XENA: Gee, Gabrielle, what did Joxer do? (Rolls her eyes) I simply have to know. (Shugs) The suspense is killing me.

GABBY: Xena, for once, can't you just listen to me without putting in your two dinars?! (Deep sigh) Joxer was quite for about five minutes and then what does he do?! (Pauses) I am blasted by his caterwaul singing of the latest version of "Joxer the Mighty" (Rolls her eyes) More like Joxer the Mighty Dork. (Scoffs) Then when I yell at him to shut up, he sits there with that look on his face. I hate that look!

APHR: Uh, huh? (Smiles) Sure you do.

GABBY: It's bad enough yesterday he embarrassed me in that village, why was he looking in nighties anyway?

APHR: Gee I wonder why? (Scoffs)

GABBY: For Meg or some other two bit tramp?!

APHR: Jealousness becomes you. (Giggles) Oh my, my, my!

XENA: Mmm? (Smiles) Why should that bother you?

GABBY: Because he was putting them up to me and trying to figure out how I'd look in them. (Sighs) Then last night he was also irritated me, he mumbles and moans in his sleep. Like your snores aren't enough I have to hear him too. (Growls) I got up and shook him, just trying to wake him up and he... He... He...

XENA: He what?

GABBY: He grabbed me in a bear hug and I couldn't move for a long time. (Sighs) It took awile, but I finally wiggled my way out of his grip, so I could go back to my bed roll. (Xena cracks up laughing) Oh you think thats funny?!

XENA: You have no idea. (Smiles) Go on?

GABBY: I was luckly he didn't wake up after all. (Pauses) Could you imagine how embarrassed I would of been if he would of opened his eyes and saw me laying in his arms?

APHR: Let me guess? You found out you liked being in studmuffins arms and that's what's bugging you?

XENA: Yeah, I think I could guess what he'd do. (Licks her top lip) But I thought you didn't care what he thinks.

GABBY: I don't, but come on? If he knew about this he would never let me hear the end of it. (Sighs) Please?!

XENA: Will I ever hear the end of it? (Gabrielle cocks her head back) Gabrielle, you even gripe about Joxer when he's not with us. (Pauses) Maybe you like him better than you think you do, did that ever cross your mind? Hum?

GABBY: Huh?!

XENA: It's simple, Gabrielle. If you don't want Joxer to be around, then shut up complaining about him to me all the time. (Pauses) All you have to do is just ask him to leave.

GABBY: Yeah, like that would work. (Scoffs) He would just give us a big guilt trip like he always does just so he can get our pitty and we let him stay because of it.

XENA: Oh no. (Chuckels) This has nothing to do with me, Gabrielle. You feel guilty when you upset him, believe me Joxer might get on my last nerve, but he's loyal and he really cares about us. (Mumbles) Especially you.

Gabrielle starts to talk, but she sees Joxer coming their way. She takes Xena's arm, as they turn towards Joxer.

XENA: Mmm. (Whispers in Gabrielle's ear) Here is your chance to get rid of him, if that is what you really want?

Gabrielle turns to give Xena a look, then she walks up to Joxer who has a sad pout on his face. She grabs his nose.

JOXER: Ow! (Whines) Cut it out, please?! Gabby?

XENA: Look Joxer, you two talk. (Sighs) I'll be looking for dinner since you scared off the rabbit, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle lets go of Joxer's nose, as Xena walks away.

GABBY: Joxer! (Pushes Joxer down) Look! I know you have a thing for Xena, that's why you've been with Meg and everything. But I think it would be best if you didn't hang around me and Xena anymore. (Joxer's jaw drops) For your own good of course. You know when you're around us you always find trouble, not only for yourself. But me and Xena as well, if you want I'll help you pack. (Joxer stands up) But hey we'll see you from time to time. (Bites her bottom lip) Here and there, right?

JOXER: No. (Brushing himself off) Don't worry Gabrielle I won't ever be back to mess things up for you and Xena ever again. (Walking off) I know I'll never be worthy of you.

APHR: Oh?! (Stomps her foot) Go after him!

Gabrielle started to call after Joxer, but she didn't. Instead she went to find Xena, who she found about to kill a deer. Gabrielle made too much noise and just like rabbit the deer took off. Xena crossed her arms and looked at Gabrielle.

XENA: I give up. (Sighs) It looks like we'll be eating turups and berries, but with you scaring off all the wild life. It looks like we are gonna have to get use to it.

GABBY: Are you saying it ran off because of me?! (Scoffs) I wasn't the one with a bead drawn on it with a sword.

XENA: Shut up. (Walking towards camp) You find dinner.

GABBY: Fine I will, Xena!

APHR: Forget dinner, go find sweetcheeks. (Huffs) Nevermind I will. (Fades out)

GABBY: That should be easier without Joxer or you around.

Xena walks into camp and sees nothing of Joxer left.

XENA: Not even a last meal or a good bye? (Frowns) Rats.

Xena looks around and sees Joxer's sword sticking up from the ground outside of camp. The sight of it makes her worry, she remembered the last time he was without it he had almost died. When the thugs from that Gambling Hall wanted his winnings. She walked up and pulled it from the ground and looked at it. Gabrielle came back to camp with fish, she started cooking them. When they were cooked she took them off the fire and then looked up as Xena walked towards her with Joxer's sword. She took it from Xena. Gabrielle gasped and sat down with the sword.

XENA: Looks like he left something to remember him by.

GABBY: But he's totally defenseless without his sword.

XENA: I know, I think he wants to be and that's what worries me.


Joxer sat in tavern downing the last of his ale, he then stumbled out. He found himself in Aphrodite's temple.

JOXER: Aphrodite?! (Pauses) Goddess of love?! (Shugs) Ha! Love is nothing, but pain and torture! (Kicks over the alter) That's what you're the goddess of! I want no more of it, from now on! (Walking out) You just lost yourself a sucker!

Joxer slams the doors and Aphrodite showers in, crying. She throws up her hands, then picks up her alter. Xena and Gabrielle eat in silence, then Xena lays down in her bed roll. Gabrielle picks up Joxer's sword next to her, she traces her finger along the middle of the blade. She stopped when Aphrodite popped in on her crying her eyes out. She cleared her throat, as the goddess looked at her.

GABBY: Aphrodite, what's wrong?

Aphrodite took Joxer's sword away from Gabrielle, then held it like a true warrior. The Bard slit her eyes looking at the goddess with Joxer's sword.

APHR: I'm on a mission, about to go into battle.

GABBY: What mission?! What battle?!

APHR: The mission of the heart, the battle tragic and unrequited love.


APHR: Why aren't you asleep, miss thing? (Kisses Joxer's sword) Is there something bothering you?

GABBY: Yes, the fact that Joxer forgot his sword.

APHR: And why should that bother you?

GABBY: Well I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

APHR: And what if something does? (Weakly) Ask yourself how will you feel about that?

Aphrodite faded as Joxer's sword hit the ground, the sound of it made Gabrielle shutter. Joxer makes camp for the night, he looks up into the backness of the new moon and he feels just as dark. He thinks about how Gabrielle's hair shines in the sunlight, how Xena always said she had a light and how the light of his life was forever gone now. Tears started streaming down his face. Aphrodite popped in on him and looked at the sad look on his face she couldn't really blame him for kicking over her alter. Soon Joxer just went over to his bed roll and went to sleep. At that same time Gabrielle was dreaming.


Gabrielle stood in a meadow with Joxer's sword in her hands she gabs it into the air then turns gabbing into something. She turns to see that she ran Joxer through the heart, his blood is all over her and she screams. Which makes her wake up screaming as well, that wakes Xena up.

XENA: Gabrielle?! (Sighs) What in Tartarus is wrong with you?! (Gabrielle starts sobbing wildly) Oh honey what is it?

GABBY: Xena is was awful.

Xena gets up and hugs Gabrielle, she kisses her crying companion on top of the head.

XENA: Shh! (Looks at Gabrielle) Tell me honestly, does this have something to do with you making Joxer leave us?

Gabrielle sobs more then nods.

XENA: Do you wanna go find him and apologize?

GABBY: The big dork had to grow on me! (Sighs) I think I...

XENA: Gabrielle, you don't say anymore.

Xena gets up and goes back to her bed roll. Gabrielle closes her eyes and is fast asleep. Aphrodite sprinkles golden hearts on Joxers head as he sleeps.

APHR: There you go studmuffin, now you'll have pleasant dreams. (Giggles) And so will your little Bard.

Aphrodite pops in on Xena to make sure she's asleep, she goes over and sprinkles Gabrielle with golden hearts as well. She giggles, then looks back a Xena again.

APHR: Lets see what I can do to occupy your time? (Pauses) Ah?! The thief... (Snaps her fingers) Autolycus.

Aprodite leaves, as Xena rolls over in her sleep.


Gabrielle finds herself in a town being grabbed by a bunch of big thugs she tries to fight them off, but there are too many of them. They tie her up to a post, then one picks up a torch to light a fire around her. Suddenly Joxer finds himself looking down from a balcony, he sees Gabrielle tied to a post as a thug bends down to light her on fire. The fire starts, but then Gabrielle is shocked when a masked man all in black swings in from a balcony and unties her, they both swing back up. He places her on the balcony, kisses her before he draws his sword and swings down to fight the bad guys with little effort. Gabrielle is amazed at how dashing he is he makes short work of these thugs, he shakes his fist at the only one left standing. Joxer laughs at the thug who runs away from him like a scared rabbit. He sees a flower stand knocked over, but there is are a few daisies that he gathers up. Gabrielle wonders what the masked man is doing, until he swings up to hand her some daisies.

GABBY: Oh there breathtaking. (Looks at the masked man)

JOXER: They are mere weeds next to you, most unworthy of your breathtaking beauty. (Gabrielle smiles) Your smile could light up the darkest nights, your eyes sparkle as bright as the sun itself.

Joxer can't believe what he just said, then he feels flush as Gabrielle swoons in his arms and doesn't care anymore. She kisses him wildly, he swoops her up and takes her inside, they end up on the bed. Gabrielle too sweep up in passion finds herself undessed by the masked man, his touch made her lips quiver and her body trembled. Joxer couldn't believe his eyes as she laid on the bed naked at his hand. Joxer undressed himself and she pulled his mask off. Gabrielle woke up and in Joxer's dream she faded out.

GABBY: Joxer?! (Gasping) Oh my gods!

Joxer woke up with a problem and a huge smile on his face, he got up. His smile turned to a pout as Gabrielle's last words to him echoed in his head. Gabrielle woke Xena up and they headed off to find Joxer. Joxer had breakfast, then went down to the river. He took off his clothes, then hanging them on a tree limb and got in the river water. Xena and Gabrielle stopped on the road to eat some figs, as Aphrodite showed in with gold light to eavesdrop on them.

XENA: He's around here somewhere there's only one guy in all of Greece who has to wear footwear that big and walks with that stride. (Points to footprints in the muddy ground)

GABBY: Good, he hasn't gotten his foolself killed. (Sighs) Lets go collect him before he does.

APHR: Uh, huh?

Aphrodite follows Xena and Gabrielle, they see him in the river buck naked. Gabrielle blushes and Aphrodite giggles.

XENA: Joxer?! (Walking toward the river)

GABBY: Xena, can't you see he's naked?

APHR: We can all see that dear. (Giggles)

JOXER: Xena?! (Sees Gabrielle) Gabrielle.

GABBY: So how have you been Joxer?

JOXER: What are you doing here, blondie?

GABBY: You shouldn't be without your sword you know?

XENA: She's right. (Sighs) If I'm not there to save you.

JOXER: Xena. (Pauses) It's nice to know you worry about me, but I won't need it anymore. I've decided to become a fisherman and maybe if I find someone who wants me as sorry as I am. (Giving Gabrielle a cold look) I might even get married, have kids and die an old man. (Sighs) You know, but Xena you're more than welcome to vist me anytime you're on a sidekickless mission.

GABBY: Oh come on, Joxer? (Upset) Don't be that way.

JOXER: Xena I'll see you around. (Turning away from Gabrielle) After all I wouldn't wanna be a pest to anyone.

GABBY: Jox... (Xena stops her)

XENA: No, let me talk to him, if he want's to talk to you I'll let you know. (Points) Now go wait for me.

Gabrielle turns and slowly walks past the tree line. Joxer puts his hands on his hips and looks at Xena.

XENA: Before you say anything, Joxer. (Blinks) I think you should know that she's been more worried about you more than I have. (Joxer rolls his eyes) Gabrielle had a nightmare where she killed you and she...

JOXER: Sounds like wishfull thinking to me. (Scoffs)

XENA: Shut up, Joxer! (Sighs) She slept with your sword last night and was in tears over it, you idiot!

APHR: Do you know what that means studmuffin?

Joxer's looked shocked, he put his hand to his cheek. Aphrodite shakes her head.

JOXER: She cried? (Xena nods) But xena she doesn't...

XENA: But nothing! (Gets in the river and dunks Joxer) Now you listen to me, she was very upset and I don't like it when something makes Gabrielle cry! (Growls) So you talk to her or else I'm gonna be mad at you and you don't want that now do 'ya?! (Dunks Joxer again)

JOXER: Alright Xena. (Sighs) I'll talk to her.

APHR: If I have my way, it will be more than just talk.

Xena lets go of Joxer, then walks away and comes back with Gabrielle. Joxer is in his pants on shore, about to put his shirt on. Joxer looks up to see the Bard, they just stare at each other. Xena grabs them both at their necks.

XENA: You two talk. (Lets go of them and walks off)

GABBY: Are you gonna say anything to me?

JOXER: Why should I? (Crosses his arms)

GABBY: Oh don't be such a... (Sighs) Nevermind.

JOXER: Never you mind, Gabrielle. (Walking away)

GABBY: I'm sorry, Joxer. (Catching up with Joxer) Please?

APHR: She wants you.

JOXER: Xena told me you were worried about me. (Scoffs) Who is blowing smoke, you are her?

GABBY: Yes I was worried, you didn't have your sword.

JOXER: She also told me you slept with my sword and cried over me. (Puckers his lips) Is that true too?

GABBY: Yes! (Sighs) Alright Joxer! You can be a pest, but I guess I didn't realize how much I'd miss having you around.

APHR: Translation, how much she'd miss your arms around her. (Giggles) Her body next to yours.

JOXER: Huh?! (Scoffs) You're the one who asked me to leave and in not such a nice way if I recall your words cor...

GABBY: Joxer? (Grabs Joxer's arms) You enrage me more than anyone else does, but you're... Um, well... You're like family to me and Xena. (Sighs) So I'm sorry that I went off on you the way I did. I was just really mad and let my anger ruin our friendship. (Smiles) Can you forgive me?

JOXER: Well I don't know if...

GABBY: Joxer, forgive me or I'll else! (Pushing Joxer down)

JOXER: Alright little girl I've had it with you pushing me around. (Gets up) Abusing me! (Shoves Gabrielle lightly) Just who in Tartarus do you think you are?!

APHR: Uh, oh!

Gabrielle slaps Joxer, he slaps her back and she slaps him really hard across the face.

JOXER: Ow! (Gabrielle gets in his face) That hurt.

APHR: Whoa!

GABBY: Good! (Grabs Joxer by the shirt) Don't you ever hit me again, you son of a Bacchae!

JOXER: Bitch! (Grabs Gabrielles arm)

GABBY: That does it!

Gabrielle knocks Joxer down on the ground and he grabs her leg pulling her down on her behind.

GABBY: Joxer?! (Gasping) How dare you?!

Joxer gets a better hold of Gabrielle and pins her down.

GABBY: Get off of me you big lummox!

APHR: No kiss her!

JOXER: What if I don't want to? (Chuckles) What are you gonna do about it, Gabby?

GABBY: What?!

APHR: Gotta go find that beefcake, have fun. (Fades out)

JOXER: That's what I asked you.

Joxer and Gabrielle just stare at each other. Aphrodite finds Autolycus after he steals an opal from a woman. She taps his arm and he turns around to face the goddesss.

AUTO: Aphrodite?! (Chuckles) So what can I do you for? Ah, I mean for you?

APHR: Calm down beefcake, how would you like to keep Xena busy for a little while?

AUTO: Sure, but I don't even know where her and Gabrielle are right now.

APHR: Then you're in luck because I do. (Smiles) Hold on to my arm and I'll take you there.

Autolycus gets a bear hug on the goddess, she giggles and they fade out and then back in only a few feet from Xena.

APHR: Do a good job and you can have your opal back.

AUTO: Hey I stold that fair and square, it's mine.

APHR: Not until I feel you've earned it, handsome. (Sighs) Until then it's mine. Bye. (Fades out)

AUTO: You know for the goddess of love you're pretty hateful. (Sighs) Well Xena, I'm about to make your day.

Autolycus swaggers down towards Xena who is sitting on a rock, she sees him and stands up.

XENA: Autolycus? (Raises an eyebrow)

AUTO: Xena, hey how are you?

XENA: Whatever reason you're here, you couldn't of picked a better time. (Dryly) I was starting to get really board.

AUTO: Well we can't have that can we? (Chuckles)

Autolycus sat down on a rock with Xena.


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