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Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
Warning: This story is my first attempt at fan fiction. It kind of annoyed me to read everyone else's alternative fan fic because it alwasys included perfect relationships, perfect sex, and perfect endings... So, I decided to take matters in my own hands and I constructed what I think to be a really interesting, kind of different, story than others that I'm sure you have read, or will read on this site. It offers a different perspective on certain issues, and as I said - I don't know how to introduce this story other than to say that it is different. Nevertheless, I hope the you enjoy, and I beg you to let me know what you think, good or bad. Send your comments to: firstname.lastname@example.org And now, screw introductions and read on.....
|The Worst Mistake of Her Life|
It was a typical night.... too typical, which in truth made Gabrielle feel more nervous then she did already. She again thought over what she was about to do, realizing that everything... everything that was typical, and usual, and that made sense would change if she in fact went throught with this. Thinking about it made her shiver more than she had been previously, and she found herself shaking rather violently. She looked over to Xena -- sitting on a rock that was so typically next to her bedroll, sharpening her sword. She seemed oblivious to what was going on in Gabrielle's head. This rather comforted Gabrielle, knowing that if she changed her mind and decided to back out now - Xena would never find out. But she also knew that she wasn't going to back out. She couldn't back out. Not anymore... the pain was excrutiating, and even the mere chance that everything would work out if she did open up to Xena, was enough to force her to finally say something about it.
She looked up at Xena and exhaled a long, hard breath, trying not to let her extreme nervousness get the best at her. Just looking at Xena, she knew... she knew the truth and knew that she couldn't hold it back anymore. She was sick of pretending. Sick of acting like she was happy and that everything was okay. Because she wasn't happy... and everything definitely wasn't okay. She loved her life... loved the adventure... loved spending all her time with Xena.... loved their friendship. But she couldn't do it -- she couldn't go on anymore like this. She was so sick of lying to herself.
She once again lifted her gaze and looked at Xena. She looked her up and down.... her stunning black hair, her piercing blue eyes, magnificent shoulders, toned muscles and arms tensing and relaxing as she made swift and strong movements down the blade of her sword - holding the rock tightly in her palm with her long fingers, moving the rock up and down the blade with such graceful yet strong and definite strokes. Xena's beauty was no mystery to Gabrielle, or to any other person who happened to look her way. And once again, she realized that there was no way to deny it any longer. There was no way that she could keep on pretending, or holding it back. And for the thousandth time she realized the truth, as it hit her all over again....... She was in love.
It was such a strong feeling, so sure - the kind of feeling that she refused to believe any bad could come out of. Although, deep down she knew how Xena felt. She knew that Xena wasn't capable of loving her the way she loved Xena. And suddenly she felt so wrong for feeling the way she did. Why? Why couldn't she just love Xena as a friend? Why did it hurt so much not to be able to touch Xena the way she wanted to? Gods, she hated herself for feeling this way. So many times, more times that she could count, she tried to convince herself that it wasn't true. That she didn't feel the way she did, and that she was mistaking the undying love she felt towards Xena, for her care and love she felt towards her as a friend. But that was a lie, and she knew it. And she also knew what she had to do about it.
She knew the risks that she was taking, but this had just gone too far. Too far and for much, much too long. And this was going to end right now, tonight. She looked up at Xena who caught her gaze and smiled a tired smile her way, which she returned just before Xena looked back down at her sword and continued her nightly ritual. She had no idea what she was going to say to Xena, or what she wanted Xena to say back. In truth, she was just as terrifired of Xena admitting that she felt the same way, as she was scared of Xena rejecting her. What would she do? How would she feel? She wasn't sure if she was ready for that kind of relationship. Gabrielle had never been in that kind of relationship with a woman before, and she had no idea what it was like, or how it would feel. But either way she needed to tell Xena. It was wrong to feel this way and not to tell her. It was almost as if she was lying to Xena by just being her friend and never telling her that she felt more for her than she ever thought possible.
Gabrielle got up, rather abruptly, realizing that sitting on her bedroll and analyzing what she had been analyzing for the past two months would get her absolutely nowhere if she didn't do something now. Noticing Gabrielle stand up, Xena lifted her head and turned slightly, silently asking Gabrielle what was going on. With unsure steps, Gabrielle walked towards Xena and sat down next to her on the rock.
"I was wondering when you would decide to join me. To tell you the truth, I was getting a little bored here," Xena said with a smile knowing something was on Gabrielle's mind.
"Yeah, I figured - which is just the reason I came. You know, I wasn't oblivious to the telepathic message that you sent me just a few minutes ago saying something like, 'I would really appreciate it if you would join me on this rock sometime soon,'" Gabrielle replied before smiling at Xena who had the look of "nice try" written all over her face.
"So, what's on your mind?," Xena asked nonchalantly, not waiting for Gabrielle to take her time and decide when would be the best moment to bring up what she was thinking.
"Gods, how do I say this?," Gabrielle nervously thought out loud. That's it, she was just going to say it. She was going to be blunt, and straight to the point, and not going to drag this out any longer than it was already taking. She was just going to take a deep breath, look straight into Xena's eyes, and say...
"I'm in love with you, Xena." Oh gods, had she just said that out loud? She couldn't believe herself. All the times she had thought of telling Xena she never just accidentily blurted it out that way. She was terrified. She looked into Xena's eyes, hoping to see something, anything, along the lines of trust, understanding, maybe even love in return. But when she looked into Xena's stunning saphire eyes she saw the one thing that scared her beyond belief... pity. A mixture of pity, and sadness, and..... gods, she realized that she had might have just made the worse mistake of her life.
"I'm so sorry, Gabrielle.....," Xena whispered gently as she tried to reach out for Gabrielle who slid back out of her grasp. ".... I'm so sorry..."
The look of such abject and intollerable pain that passed over Gabrielle's face killed Xena, but what could she do? She loved Gabrielle, she loved her dearly and cared for her more than anything - but not the way that Gabrielle was describing. What else could she do? She couldn't lie to her and tell her she felt something that she didn't feel just to save her from the hurt.
"Gods Gabrielle, you are my best friend... I love you and care about more than anyone... but I can't - I don't love you the way that........"
"It's okay," Gabrielle interrupted, "I understand what you're getting at," Gabrielle said with such disgust and hurt that it caused Xena to look away.
"I don't know what else to say, Gabrielle... what can I say to make you not hurt?," Xena asked softly, never looking Gabrielle in the eyes, trying to spare her anymore pain.
"Nothing, just don't say anything, please...." Gabrielle pleaded as she got up quickly and stumbled back to her bedroll, practically falling down from the obvious intollerable pain she felt deep down in her soul.
Xena just sat there. She sat like some dumb child who didn't know what was going on, staring at Gabrielle's body while it racked with tears as she screamed and cried into her bedroll, leaving Xena just sitting on the rock not knowing what to do. Gods, she wanted to offer Gabrielle some comfort or reassurence that they could still be friends. But she had no right, no right at all, since it was she who had rejected and hurt Gabrielle. So she just sat helplessly on the rock that she had been sitting on the entire night, the rock that was so typically next to her bedroll - that she sat on every night while she sharperned her sword. And, Gabrielle continued to cry and scream in pain because she realized that she had just made the worst mistake of her life.
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