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Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.
NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent.
This story depicts scenes of violence and/or their aftermath. Readers who are disturbed by or sensitive to this type of depiction may wish to read something other than this story.
This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live, please do not read it. If depictions of this nature disturb you, you may wish to read something other than this story. Actually doesn't really have much of this but better safe than sorry
Dedicated to MaxQ and Laura without who's
inspiration and encouragement this work would
not exist.-------- So Blame Them!
ACT 1 SCENE 1
(A campsite in the Greek countryside. Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus are sitting by the fire in deep discussion. )
Auto So you want me to steal back the war plans Riplonia stole when she was banished by the Amazons? Why not just take them from her? You usually would rather knocks heads anyway. What's the catch?
Xena Yes I'd rather do it directly, but the existence of the plans must be kept secret. ----If neighboring Kingdoms learn that the Amazons and the Thebans have allied to defeat Lord Xo and his Island Raiders they may think the alliance it really out to conquer them. ----That could drive them right into Xo's arms and he'd be unstoppable.----- I can't let that happen.
Auto Well that's all very nice but I don't work for free you know.------ I have a reputation to maintain.
Gabs What happened to your heart of gold?
Auto Couldn't buy food with it so decided gold was better in my hand ----not my heart.
Xena If it's pay you want it's pay you'll get. The Amazons will be very generous.
Auto That's nice to hear.------You know money isn't everything. I can think of other things that might satisfy me
Gabs Lets just stay focused shall we. ------Fire's ready Xena. Want me to start dinner?
Xena Yes I'm starved. What are you making?
Gabs How about rabbit curry?
Xena No more curry! If I never eat curry again it'll be too soon. -----Just roast the rabbit. OK?
Gabs OK OK keep your shirt on!
Auto Don't worry about me. I don't mind you eating without a shirt. (Xena gives him the look) --- Hey just kidding! Relax. Maybe we'd better get back to the plan. So where is Riplonia now?
Xena She's staying at an inn in Swotos. She's waiting for an agent of Xo to bring her money for the plans
Auto Piece of cake . I'll go stay at the inn, and during the night in and out. ----I'm a master of in and out.
Gabs Among other things.
Xena Sorry Autolycus. It's not quite that simple. That's why we're waiting for your partner. He should have been here by now.
Auto Whoa there! What partner?----- I work alone.
Xena Trust me it will be just like working alone.
(Joxer appears from behind a bush)
Joxer Hi chums! ----Joxer the Mighty is here so you have nothing more to fear!
Auto No! Tell me you're kidding!----- Why not just kill me now and get it over with!
Xena Can't be helped. Your old partner Salmoneus wasn't available. So you'll have to make do. ---Anyway he's only here to watch your back.
Auto Like I said----- kill me now!
Joxer I'm ready for action! Where's the enemy?
Xena Sit down and be quiet Joxer. I'm telling Autolycus about the plan-- so just listen.
Joxer OK, hey is that rabbit? I love rabbit! Hope it's curried rab--OW!---- Why did you hit me Xena?
Xena Mention curry again and you're a dead man!
Gabs She just doesn't have a sense of daring when it comes to food Joxer.
Joxer Want me to cook? Remember I trained in Athens
Gabs No no. I don't think we feel suicidal today. Thanks but no thanks!
Joxer OK -----Hey!
Auto Enough mindless chitchat. Why on earth do I need him to help go to a tavern to steal a scroll from Riplonia? And what does Salmoneus have to do with this. I don't recall ever being partnered with him.
Xena No? ------If I mentioned wearing a dress would that jog your memory?
Auto Aw sheesh! You mean he told you about that? Man how embarrassing.--- But--------wait a minute are saying what I think you're saying?
Xena You are a master of disguise. You'll need to be Autolyca to go to The Hottub Inn. ----Ladies only.
Auto What about him? Who's he going to be? Dumbina?
Xena Good name, but think he'd remember Joxa better.
Joxer Joxa? That's a girl's name! I won't dress up as a girl! ---I'm Joxer the Manly!-
Gabs Think Joxer ---ALL women! ---No men!
Joxer Rowr! -----Well I suppose a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do even if he becomes a woman.
Auto Funny--- the only kind of ladies only tavern I've ever heard of is---------
Xena Yes yes--- a lesbian tavern. ----Got a problem with that?
Auto No, but I don't understand why you and Gabrielle don't go instead of us. After all you certainly are women with a capital W!
Xena I have my reasons. Besides Gabrielle and I will be infiltrating Xo's camp. We have to find out if he'll attack even if he doesn't obtain the secret plans. ---He's landed an army just up the coast and could strike either the Amazons or the Thebans anytime he wants.----- With advance warning he can be stopped. Without it one defender would be defeated before the other could help. Here------
(Xena throws Auto a large sack)
Xena Go over there and try on these clothes. I want to see how you two will look.
Joxer So all the women at the tavern come from Lesbos? --Boy the place must serve great drinks for them to travel so far.
(Auto reaches into the sack and pull out two long wigs. One blonde the other brunette--He throws the blonde wig to Joxer)
Auto Here you go Joxa. That's your color for sure!
(Same campsite. Xena and Gabrielle are finishing their meal while in the background you can hear Autolycus and Joxer arguing)
Gabs I can't believe they're not dressed yet! --It must be an hour.
Xena If I know Joxer he probably can't figure out which is front and back.
Gabs So why aren't we going to the Tavern? -----That makes more sense than this.
Xena Can't afford to. Too many people know me there.
Gabs Of course, silly me. Everyone knows Xena Warrior Princess. Riplonia would be alerted right away.
Xena uh---yeah-- that's right.
Gabs You do mean knows as in recognize don't you? Not knows as knows ---er----you know what I mean.
Xena Uh----er---ah well------------
Gabs WAIT a minute! You told me I was your first!
Xena You are.---- My first named Gabrielle. Well at least of the one's I got their names anyhow.
Gabs Hope you don't get cold sleeping alone tonight!
Xena Relax! I'm only teasing ya. -----You were right the first time.
(Autolyca and Joxa return to the camp. Both a vision of female beauty. ---sort of)
Auto Well? Everything in order ?(adjusts his breasts)
Xena You look lovely, but don't you think you might want to lose the mustache?
Auto Only when I absolutely have to.
Joxer These clothes are sooo much softer than armor---
Gabs (suddenly very aware of Joxer) You look great! I never noticed the graceful slope of your neck before,--- and that dress brings out the color of your eyes so well. Why don't you sit next to me and have your rabbit.
Xena Gabrielle!! ---What are you doing?
Gabs (shaking her head) Sorry lost perspective for a minute. ---I'm OK now. I'm going to take a quick dip in the stream. ------That refreshing and very cold stream. Back soon. (leaves)
Auto OK Xena, I'm sure you know what's best. But why all this? We're only going to a tavern. Not an armed camp. Even if we get caught all they'll do is throw us out.
Xena Oh the girls won't hurt you at all if you get caught inside.---- The trained wolf they keep as a guard will if they sic him on you.
Auto Trained wolf?
Xena Specially trained to do one thing.
Joxer Ah who's afraid of a big bad wolf? Why I'll take my trusty sword and----
Xena You won't have weapons because there's no place to hide them. Too bad I don't still have my breast dagger.
Joxer Then I'll use my bare hands! ---I can take a few bites!
Xena That's what Petales of Leedos thought before he got caught. Now he has a new job a eunuch of Lord Xo's harem
Joxer You mean the wolf------(faints dead away)
Auto Well at least he faints like a woman.----If my family jewels end up as wolf kibble I'm never going to speak to you again.---- Well not in this vocal pitch anyhow.
Xena At first light you and sleeping beauty head for Swotos, while we go to Xo's camp. If all goes well we'll meet there after Xo has been defeated.
ACT 2 SCENE 1
( Late evening. A street in Swotos. At the end of street is The Hottub Inn. Autolyca and Joxa are sizing up the situation from a distance. The club bouncer is arguing with a slightly inebriated man at the front door of the Inn)
Minya I told you NO MEN ALLOWED. -----So move along!
Man Do you know who I am? I'm Ulri of Krautus. I'm a famous poet and writer. I'll have you know the Crowned Heads of Greece read my work!
Minya If you don't get outta here you'll have a crowned head all right!
Ulri Come on I just want a little drink. If you let me in baby I'll write you a limerick---HEY LET GO OF ME!
(Minya throws Ulri across the street into a horse trough)
Ulri You can't do this to me! I'm a personal friend of the Deputy of Potedaia. You're in trouble! Just wait! (he stumbles away down the street mumbling some foreign language)
Minya And don't come back if you knows what's good for ya!
Auto Oh I can see this is going to be fun!
Joxa I know her! That's Minya!---- She'll let me in !
Auto No No dummy. We can't take the chance. Just cover your face with your veil and keep quiet. I'll do all the talking.
(They begin walking toward the Inn when a distraught woman approaches them)
Woman Ladies maybe you can help me. I'm looking for my boyfriend. He came to Swotos about 3 months ago on business and disappeared. Nobody wants to help me! (starts crying)
Auto There there dear, we'll help if we can. ----What's your boyfriends name?
Woman Petales. Petales of Leedos. ----My name is Cate.
Joxa Petales? Why isn't he the- OW! (Autolyca gives him--er --her a kick)
Auto I'm sorry deary. We're new in town ourselves. Have you tried the local authorities?
Cate Yes, but they seem like they're hiding something. Well thanks anyway, I'll just have to keep hoping somebody knows where he is . (She walks toward the Inn)
Joxa Why didn't you tell her we know where he is?
Auto Sorry, but what do you think she would have done if we told her what happened to him? Hysterics! Everyone would be drawn here. ---We can't risk it.
( Meanwhile a group of women are just leaving the Inn. Tamariah, Tarena and Robynne. Tamariah spots Cate and recognizes her)
Tam Cate! Cate! Long time no see!
Tar Yes girl, the Inn hasn't been the same without ya. ---You back with us?
Cate Sorry girls, I'm looking for my boyfriend. He's been missing for months.
Rob A boyfriend---eeeyyyyeww! ----Didn't think you had that in you Cate.
Cate Yes I've changed my ways. Petales is such a sex machine I couldn't help myself!
Tam Petales? He's your boyfriend?
Cate Yes! Do you know where he is?
Tar Why don't you come inside with us and have a drink for oldtimes sake.
Cate Well you can't get me to take up my old habits but if you guys know about Petales I'll buy the first round.
Tam Don't rule out any lifestyle just yet Hon. I think a few drinks might be needed. Gee I wish we'd known Petales was your boyfriend. We wouldn't have let Fido loose.
Tar Come on let's go back inside. Cate should be sitting down or at least very drunk.
(They all go back inside the Inn)
(Autolyca and Joxa approach Minya at the entrance)
Minya Evening ladies. Welcome to Hottub Inn where your pleasure is our pleasure. That's 5 dinars please. Each.
Auto Here you go. And this is for you. We saw how you took care of that MAN . Battle On Sister!
Minya Thanks---enjoy yourselves. Hey have we met? You seem quite familiar.
Joxa No I'm sure we haven't. Come on Autolyca let's go party!
(Inside the Inn. A large place with a bar along one wall. Small tables along the other wall. A large sunken Hottub situated in the middle of the room. ---Where patrons are getting wet inside and out. A group of musicians are in one corner by another exit and in the other corner on a pedestal is chained a very large wolf. Autolyca and Joxa head for the bar. As they approach a petite dark haired brown eyed woman clad in a form fitting butter colored dress that highlights her incredible cleavage stops them)
Woman Well hello ladies! My name is Laura and I'd like to welcome you to my humble establishment. Always glad to see new talent in town. We have the best of everything here. Just name it and my staff will see to it. Can I offer you a complimentary Welcome drink?
Auto Yes thank you. We'll have whatever you recommend. I'm Autolyca and this is my companion Joxa.
Laura My you two are big girls aren't you. (She snaps her fingers. A barmaid with an odd looking bird perched on her shoulder rushes over) --- Aboleynia get our two guests a house special. Now! Don't dawdle!
Laura She'll take care of you. She's a good kid even if she's a little flaky.
Joxa What's with the bird?
Laura Oh that! She's trained it to whisper sweet nothings into her ear. She's named it DD after a thespian she's got a major crush on.
Auto Do you have any rooms available. Joxa and I are tired.
Laura No need to explain. I understand completely. Our Sappho Suite is empty. I'll reserve it for you for when you're ready to "rest".----- Anything else?
Auto We're looking for a friend of ours. Her name is Riplonia. A tall dark haired blue eyed Amazon. Has she been here?
Laura So you know her? I didn't think you two looked like the SM types but-------- . Her room is right next to yours. She left about an hour ago. I can leave her a message.
Auto Good, have her come to our room when she returns. Tell her we have a proposition she'd enjoy.
Cate (from the other side of the room) EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laura What the-------!?
Auto I think somebody may have gotten a bit of bad news. Or is it a bite of bad news? Thanks Laura for all your help.
Laura Glad to. And if you want some personal service later let me know. (winks at Autolyca)
(The Sappho Suite. Autolyca and Joxa are sitting on the bed. Aboleynia is placing a large tray with food and drink on a table.)
Joxa Thanks.--- So your bird can talk? What's he say?
Abo You really want to hear? You won't think I'm odd or anything will you?
Auto No, you certainly can't be anymore odd than Joxa is. ----Sure put him through his paces.
Abo OK. Come on DD speak for the nice ladies.
DD Awk! I love you Foxy! Awk! Kiss me! Awk! The truth is out there!
Auto Gee how cute. Don't forget to announce Riplonia when she arrives. Here's 5 dinars for your trouble.
Abo Wow! That's a month's salary! Thank you thank you. (She leaves)
Auto What a screwball. A talking bird! Sheesh!
Joxa I still don't get what the plan is.
Auto It's simple Simpleton. Xena told us that Riplonia has a weakness for blonde babes. So when she gets here you distract her and I'll excuse myself to got take a dip in the hottub. Actually I'll go steal the plans from her room. On the other hand if she's carrying them on her you can switch them with the fakes we have. That's why two sets of fakes.---- Just to be safe.
Joxa Oh I getcha. (Suddenly a knock on the door. Aboleynia announces Riplonia)
Auto Quick gotta look like we're a couple. Kiss me!
Joxa What no wh--mmmmmppphhhhh (heavy liplock occurs)
(Riplonia enters. Joxa and Autolyca continue smooching for some time)
Rip Ah hem. I hate to interrupt but you wanted to see me?
Auto (obviously rattled) Ah er ah--yes come in.
Joxa Is it hot in here?
Auto Yes the word is out that you don't mind a little rough action. My friend is into that, but I'm not. So just was--
Rip Wondering if I'd oblige? Sure why not? She's cute. What about you? Like to watch?
Auto No not my style. I do have an urge to take a little dip in the hottub so I'll leave you two alone---
Rip Well don't worry I'll be gentle with her. (She produces a whip and a set of manacles.)
Joxa Autolyca Honey, we've got to talk .---- Pardon us won't you?
Rip Make it snappy (cracks whip)
Joxa You expect me to stay with that? She'll kill me!
Auto Well try to stay alive at least long enough to search her room. And whatever you do don't let her get too close or you're in trouble.
Joxa I'm not in trouble now? Well tell Xena I died a warrior and Gabrielle that I --er--
Rip Come on! I haven't got all night!
Auto I'm going. Have fun you two! (Leaves --as he closes the door behind him you hear the crack of a whip and Joxa's screams)
ACT 3 SCENE 1
(Evening-- outside the camp of Xo's army. Xena and Gabrielle are hiding in some bushes)
Gabs So now what? How on earth can we get in there and spy on Xo?
Xena Don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. Come on we need to change.
Gabs Change? Our clothes?
Xena Yes. Our outfits are in that bag. ---Please get it will you.
Gabs Hey these are all silks and stuff. I'll look like a harem gir------Now wait a minute! You aren't seriously suggesting we join Xo's harem are you?
Xena Why not? Best way to get close to him. No violence either. Aren't you always preaching Peace and Love?
Gabs Not exactly the kind of love I had in mind. I still don't understand how we'll get past the guards. Harem girls wouldn't be out for a stroll.
Xena Got that figured too. In an hour or so a caravan with supplies and slaves will be arriving. We just slip in with them.--- Now go change.
Gabs Just once I'd like to know the plan more that five minutes before it happens.
Xena Need to know basis only.--- Loose lips sink Triremes.
Gabs What are you saying? That I can't keep a secret?
Xena You said it, not me.
Gabs After this is over if we're still alive we are going to have a long talk about trust.
Xena Yeah yeah whatever.---- Get dressed.
Gabs Wait a minute! How do you know there's a caravan coming?
Xena Don't know. Maybe a revelation from the gods.
Gabs You mean the writer is getting lazy don't you?
Xena Yes she is but don't tell anybody.
(Inside the camp. Xena and Gabrielle in harem garb are taken to a large tent. I tall blonde man is standing by the entrance.)
Soldier Here's two new charges for you Petales.
Petales Hello girls, I'm sure we'll get along famously. Just remember I'm you only contact with the outside world. Be ready for Lord Xo's pleasure anytime night and day. Come with me. (They enter the tent)
Gabs (aside to Xena) what a hunk!
Xena Boy! you'll try anything won't you?
Gabs Just spreading Peace and Love
Xena I won't touch that line with a 10 foot spear.
Petales Attention Ladies. Two newbies for you all. This is----excuse me I didn't catch your names
Gabs I'm ah---Renee and this is -----er-- Lucy.
Xena (whispering) Lucy? Renee? Is that the best you can do?
Xena Oh nothing, just clearing my throat.
Petales OK Girls let me introduce Lucy and Renee. This is Ame, Lor, and Tiki. I'll let you all get acquainted (leaves)
Gabs Only 3 girls? Not much of a Harem.
Ame This is Lord Xo's travel Harem. The other 100 are back home. He picks up local girls as temps.
Xena Hello. I'm sure we'll all be best friends.
Ame Look let's get one thing straight. I'm the boss of this tent. You do what I say or else ( pushes Xena)
Xena (restraining herself) Yes I can see you're top dog here.
Ame And don't you you forget it--------wait a minute! Did you just insult me?
Xena Yes but don't let it bother you. I'm only staying a day or two.
Lor That's what they all say.
Gabs Now why can't we all get along. ---Peace and Love! Let me show you the Way.
Ame What's with her?
Xena Nothing. Religion of the week is all.
Ame I like you! Nobody ever has the guts to stand up to me before. Let's start over shall we?
Xena OK by me (they shake hands)
Gabs What can you tell us about this Lord Xo?
Tiki Oh he's a horrid man! He's ruined many a virgin and sacked many a village. Look at me. You'd never think I was once a star pupil of the Widow Twanky.
Ame Or a virgin
Xena You trained under Twanky? How did you end up here?
Tiki Bad company. I kept hanging around several scarlet women and well eventually it led me to this.
Xena Would you girls escape if you had a chance?
Lor Sure, but its hopeless.
Gabs Nothing is hopeless. You'll see.
(Still in the tent, but everyone is asleep except Xena and Gabrielle. They speak in soft whisper)
Gabs So now what? We can't leave the tent and even if we do how will we learn Xo's strategy?
Xena I'm sure we'll be brought before Xo in the morning. He'll want to check out his new property. If I can just get a glance at his papers I'm sure it won't be difficult to figure out what his Plan B is.
Gabs What about Plan A? Do you think the boys succeeded?
Xena We'll know that soon enough when his agent returns. Hopefully it'll be the fakes that will lead Xo into attacking Thebes first while the Amazons sneak into his rear. Now get some sleep. It might be the last we get for days.
(The next morning in the tent of Lord Xo. Lord Xo is seated on a throne, surrounded by his lieutenants. Petales presents Xena and Gabrielle to him)
Petales Greetings O Mighty One. Here are two new concubines for your joy and delight. May I present Lucy and Renee.----Bow before His Magnificence slaves!
Xo Ah! A pleasant diversion before we begin the campaign. Let me look at them. (The women are brought forward where Xo fondles them) Apart from your obvious charms can you two provide me with something special?
Gabs Do you like stories? I tell great stories like the time Xe--er Lucy and I were---------
Xo Silence! Save the chatter for the harem. I mean something to please the eye. How about you? Any skills?
Xena Many! ---- I can dance if it's your desire My Lord.
Xo Then dance!
(Xena proceeds into a sensuous dance which slowly builds into a frenzy of spinning. Then she "accidentally" slips and crashes into a table covered with scrolls knocking parchments everywhere.)
Xo You clumsy cow! Petales! Take these two back to their tent! I can see they're only going to be useful for one thing.----- Away with them!
Petales Yes Master---- Come on you harlots.
(As they leave the tent Petales speaks softly to Xena)
Petales So what was that all about?----Xena. Yes I know who you are. I saw you in Corinth once. If you're here to fight Xo you can count on my help. Just give me the word.
Xena Glad to have you with us Petales. You can help me by reporting on when Xo receives a message. Try to get a look at it. -----Do you think you can manage that?
Petales Yes, and you'd better give me the paper you palmed when you fell over the table. I'll put it back before it's missed.
Xena OK (looks over the paper quickly) here. There's enough on it to give me the information I need.
Petales I suggest you tell the rest of the women who you are. They hate Xo even more than I do and will be glad to help anyway they can.
(Later in the harem tent)
Ame So you know now that Xo will only launch an attack if he gets those plans from Riplonia?
Xena Yes, if my friends have suceeded in the switch then all I have to do is alert Thebes and Xo is doomed to failure. ---If they failed then my only option will be to take on Xo right here.
Lor But surely that would be suicide!
Xena I know but there is no other alternative.
Tiki I don't understand why you didn't get Xo when you were with him before.
Xena Good question maybe you should ask Gabrielle.
Gabs That was because I asked Xena to avoid any violence unless there is absolutely no other option.
Xena The things I do for this girl!
(Petales enters out of breath)
Petales The messenger has arrived. Xo is calling his troops to arms!
Xena Did you see the parchment? Was the first word in red or black ink?
Xena Then they did it! Those are the fake plans!
Gabs So how did you know Riplonia wouldn't look at them after the switch? If she did she'd know something was up.
Xena I didn't---but hoped her greed would keep her silence. Do you think she'd tell the courier she didn't have the real plans and pass up 5000 dinars? --Not Riplonia. She's probably headed for the East now to live like a Queen.
Gabs So now what?--- How can we beat Xo to Thebes?
Xena We'll commandeer one of those small vessals moored off shore. With the prevailing winds we can reach the city by morning.
Tiki But the camp is alive with soldiers. How can we get past them?
Xena That's where Petales really comes into his own. He can take the harem anywhere and nobody will be the wiser.----I hope.
(The group is near the beach. Ahead is a group of heavily armed men guarding a small boat. Off shore is a sailing vessel at anchor. )
Petales Wait! Those men are members of Xo's personal guard! Only written orders from Xo himself will allow us to pass.
Xena I can take them out but not before they raise the alarm. We'll have to try to find another way to get to Thebes.
Tiki What you need is a diversion. Something to draw the guards away from the boat. I'll run out there and make them chase me.
Gabs But we'd have to leave you behind. You'd be caught for sure and once they found out you helped us escape you'd probably be killed.
Xena Gabrielle is right Tiki. I can't let you do it.
Tiki Look I can outrun men in armor anyday! Especially if travelling light! ( She rips off her clothes and dashes toward the guard, she yells back to the group) If I fail tell the Widow my last thoughts we of her.
Guard Look at that! Grab her!
Tiki Come and get some boys! (She runs down the beach will all the guards in hot pursuit)
Lor We've got to help her!
Xena There's nothing we can do. Let's not make her sacrifice in vain! Quick to the boat!
(They scramble into the boat and row through the surf toward the waiting ship)
ACT 4 SCENE 1
(Dockside at a port near Thebes. Xena , Gabrielle, Petales, Ame and Lor have disembarked from the ship)
Xena Petales, take Ame and Lor and go to Swotos. We're going to warn the Thebans to prepare to take the field against Xo. We'll meet you there when the danger is over. Now go, there isn't much time.
Ame Good luck and thank you for everything you've done for us. (They leave)
Xena Let's move Gabrielle! By the way, whatever happened to peace and love?
Gabs Bleep peace and love! It was bad enough when Xo was pawing us that I had to turn the other cheek, but when that bald headed foul smelling scumbag Captain Max wanted me to do a belly dance while sitting on his lap it was the last straw!
Xena But don't you think throwing him to the sharks was a bit extreme?
Gabs He still was head of the sharks the last time I saw,--- besides sharks need food too.
Xena But what about the Way?
Gabs Tried it, but it just isn't my Way.
Xena Welcome back Gabrielle. I missed you.
Gabs Glad to be back.----- Now let's go kick some ass!
(A plain near Thebes. Xena and Gabrielle are at the head of the Theban Army deployed across from Xo's forces. Xena addresses the Thebans)
Xena Men! Remember let Xo's troops come to us! Word has been sent to the Amazons and they should be in the enemy rear very soon. Then Victory is Ours! And remember Xo is mine.
Gabs And mine!
Xena Fair enough. Half for me and half for you.
(Trumpets sound, drums beat and and the battle begins. Heavy fighting rages for sometime. Then in the distance the Amazon warcries are heard. The Thebans switch from defense to attack and Xo's army crumbles. Finally Xo and a handful of his bodyguard are surrounded by the Theban Sacred Band led by Xena and the Amazon Royal Guards led by Gabrielle.)
Xena Well Xo what's it to be? You and your men going to fight to the last man?
Xo Are you kidding? I surrender! ( throws down his sword)
Gabs Ah drat! I had a little fondling I wanted to give you with my new staff. Are you sure you want to surrender? Don't you want to die a warriors death with a sword in your hand?
Xo Are you nuts? I'm not into Warlording for the fighting, just for the money and of course the babes. It sure beats my old occupation.
Xena Which was?
Xo Sundial repairman.
Xena But sundials don't have any moving parts.
Xo Exactly, hence Lord Xo
Gabs Well I've got a feeling you won't be seeing much sun where the Thebans will be putting you.
(Xo and his men are led away)
Xena Come on Gabrielle lets go to Swotos and let everybody know all their work have paid off.
(The main square of Swotos. Xena and Gabrielle arrive. Petales, Ame and Lor are there and still in drag is Autolycus and Joxer)
Xena Hi everyone. Xo is defeated and now in a Theban prison. Glad to see you all are all right. Ah ------why are you and Joxer still in ladies clothes Autolycus?
Auto Two reasons Xena. First we don't have enough money to buy new clothes and second Joxa here needs to wear plenty of makeup to cover all the bruises.
Xena Bruises? ------------ Riplonia right?
Joxer Right--and a left and an upcut among other things.
Gabs I don't understand how you guys got broke. What happened to the dinars we gave you?
Auto Do you have any idea how much the Sappho Suite is a night?
Xena 75 dinars
Gabs How do you know that?
Xena I----um--must have heard it somewhere.
Tiki I told you I could outrun those guards
Ame Tiki! ----Hey where'd you get the clothes?
Tiki You never know when a gold navel ring will come in handy.
(suddenly Cate rushs through the square, not even recognizing Petales)
Xena What's with her?
(Autolycus whispers the details in Xena's ear. Xena whispers in Gabrielle's ear)
Gabs That's horrid. I feel so sad for them. I wish there was something we could do.
Xena Time to call in a debt or two. Hey Ares show yourself! I know you're here you lurker!
Ares Hello Xena. I enjoyed the battle. Maybe there's still hope for us yet.
Xena You know better than that. Remember when I helped recover your powers that you lost because of Gabrielle's enchanted Scroll? Well you owe me and here's what I want ( whispers in Ares ear)
Ares Why Xena I thought you had em anyway! But if you want a pair ---
Xena No no, not me---him, Petales.
Ares OK, but this makes us even. (Ares restores Petales manhood and disappears)
Petales Xena -- how can I ever thank you?
Xena Go catch Cate before she runs all the way to Italy and show her what you.ve got. That'll be payment enough.
Petales Hey Gabrielle if I don't catch Cate will you still be here?
Gabs Sure Sweetie I----
Xena No she won't and don't come back unless you want to lose something again. Now get going!
(Petales leaves---Tiki, Ame and Lor head for The Hottub Inn. )
Ame You going to join us for a few drinks?
Xena We'll be right there. You two coming?
Auto Nah, better not tempt Fate again. I don't want to get upclose and personal with Fido. Can you lend me and Joxer a few dinars for a new wardrobe?----- Unless you want me to steal it?
Xena No here you go. ---So where to?
Joxer I off to Athens. Thinking about getting a refresher course from cooking school. Autolycus and I may start our own business.
Auto Yep. Might be time to settle down. We'll it's been different Xena. See you soon, but not too soon. Let Joxer recover first. ---Bye.
Joxer So long Chums (they leave)
Gabs Uh Xena---
Gabs Why are they holding hands? ----- Come on----- I think I do need that drink now!
|No wolves were overfed in the writing of this fanfic, but several overweight sharks have been sighted in the Aegean Sea.|
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